Chapter XII

After a day of just passing in and out of reality, not really caring if you were coming or going, you decided you had to get up. You couldn't take the mournful and desolate looks they gave you, and they were the only ones that stayed by your side. You couldn't stand this stifling room anymore, you needed to be with his things. You needed to be around what reminded you of him because as much as you didn't want to face reality, it was there to face you.

For once, you had been left alone and you took the opportunity to take the saline drip out of your hand and tried standing. You staggered on your feet but managed to stand shakily on your trembling legs. You shuffled out of the room and once you entered the halls of the base, the condensed, sorrowful unpleasant atmosphere hit you like a brick to your face, making your chest tighten and lungs squeeze,

You clutched your chest, as if that would do any good, and made your way to the elevator. You knew you probably wouldn't make it very far before Giannini alerted someone and they came running to drag you back to your personal hell, but that didn't happen.

You managed to get to his office unseen, when you stopped dead in your tracks. Tsuna was there, waiting for you.

"(Y/N)..."

"Please, Tsuna... don't. I...I can't." You let out a shaky breath and your eyes burned with the threat of fresh tears.

"I...I just wanted you to know...I'm sorry. I'm so sorry I didn't get there in time," Tsuna blurted.

This was what you wanted to avoid. This blame game, because it seemed all to natural to blame someone for what happened to Gokudera. It was all to pleasing to you to secretly hate these men for having to have failed to protect the most important thing in your life. But that bastard reality was back again, and bitterly you knew it wasn't anyone's fault.

Gokudera had died protecting his family, his tenth, his honor.

What he failed to do was to protect this family, your growing family.

It wasn't his fault either, but... it was only natural to have someone, anyone to blame.

"The... the funeral...it's tomorrow," Tsuna choked out.

You nodded.

"His stuff..."

"Please leave it to me," you whispered, afraid of your voice cracking should you speak any louder.

He gave you one last look, a look that read he was dying on the inside too, just like you were and left the room, squeezing your shoulder as he departed.

Leaving you alone with nothing but the ghosts of your lover.

You packed up a few of his things, tucking his glasses into your pocket, picking up the pen he chewed on when he was concentrating or in deep thought, tracing the rim of his whiskey glass, knowing that his lips were never going to touch it again, just like they weren't ever going to touch yours again.

In your bedroom, the bed sheets were still tangled in a mess from your love making and it hit you again, the sudden realization that he was here, he was here in this bed with you telling you he loved you for the first time just twenty four hours ago. The black box was still on the bed, his jacket still on the floor.

You moved over and picked it up, bringing it close to your face and inhaling his cologne and underneath that, the scent of him; the stale but not putrid smell of cigarette smoke, the natural sweet musk his skin smelled like. You wrapped yourself in his jacket and curled up into your bed, hugging yourself and pulling the sheets and comforter over you in hopes it would warm the chill you couldn't seem to get rid of, but you knew it wouldn't do any good because these cold sheets weren't Gokudera's arms. They'll never hold you again.

And with that, you began to cry again, cried until exhaustion took over and dragged you down into a lonely slumber.