A/N: You know the song and dance. I don't own nothin', got it?
"Hello. Welcome to Dor-Mart," said Luigi to a woman and her son who were entering the aforementioned retailer, which the author of this story swears on the advice of his lawyers bears no relation to Wal-Mart other than having a similar sounding name and an equally powerful ambition to rule the world by the end of the twenty-first century.
The last few years had been particularly tough on Luigi. First, there was that crazy haunted mansion and then there was his disastrous experience as a contractor working for Gadd Cleaning Services, which provided little pay but lots of frustration. As a contractor for GCS, Luigi offered numerous cleaning services for people who were too lazy to get off of their rumps and do it themselves.
He had decided to finally hang up his Poltergust 3000 after he had been rudely assaulted three years ago by Solid Snake, who had drugged him and dragged him into some bushes for no apparent reason. He awoke hours later, finding himself in a cave where some hungry wolves were planning on having Bistecca alla Luigi for dinner. The embattled plumber escaped from the wolves and quit his job, choosing to sell himself out to Dor-Mart rather than have to deal with the exotic and dangerous life of a contractor anymore.
And so, this was the sad lot that Luigi had been cast; he now had to stand in front of the entrance of Dor-Mart every day, dressed in the retailer's standard red vest, blue shirt and red pants, greeting the assorted gaggle of burned-out hippies, Goths, rednecks and people with bad fashion sense as they entered the store. The pay was low and the hours were long and unfulfilling.
People went to Dor-Mart because they had been brainwashed by the president of Dor-Mart, a robot with Psycho Mantis' brain inside, into thinking that they were getting a good deal on their commodities. But behind the veneer of low prices and free puppy giveaways lurked something much more sinister. Besides the whole wanting to rule the planet thing, Dor-Mart purposefully shuffled their prices every week to make you think you were getting a good deal, put the cheaper items up on high shelves so you couldn't reach them (or sometimes in a pit full of cobras) and marketed processed hobo chunks as ground beef.
A large fellow who was dressed in motorcycle attire and sporting muscled, tattooed arms came into the store and Luigi said, "Good day, sir. Your vest looks very, uh, tattered. Yeah, tattered…"
The guy made a rude noise and pushed his way past Luigi. The Mario Brother could feel anger rising within him, but he quickly squelched it. Rather than opening a portal to the Negative Zone and beating the living crap out of the guy, he nodded his head, waved at the man and plastered a fake smile on his face.
He then looked up at the cameras on the ceiling and thought, Keep smiling, 'cause they watch your every move.
Luigi suddenly felt very thirsty. He made his way to the other end of the store where the restrooms and the only water fountain were; Dor-Mart always put their restrooms and water fountains at the opposite ends of their stores to just to show the customers and employees how evil they were.
He stood over the water fountain, pressed the bar in the front and drank the water that came out of the spout. After he was done drinking, he started to walk back to the front of the store. Just then, he saw a strange sight, which was not an uncommon experience working at Dor-Mart: a tall man wearing something that looked like an upside down lampshade was holding the hand of a cute little red-headed girl.
Luigi's jaw hung agape and he could feel fear coursing through him. "Oh, no…" he said quietly as he put his hands on the sides of his head; his teeth began to loudly chatter together.
"All the stories were true…IT'S THE LIBERAL LAMPSHADE MEN THAT GLENN BECK WARNED US ABOUT! THEY'VE COME TO ENACT THEIR SINISTER PLOT TO TURN THE PENTAGON INTO THEIR PERSONAL MARTINI BAR!"
All the people in the store stood in place and looked at Luigi like he was crazy, but this was not the time to be standing around; the fate of the Pentagon was at stake here. The plumber metaphorically reached down into his frightened psyche and metaphorically gave it a spanking. He then metaphorically found his courage hiding behind his psyche and they both metaphorically took each other's hands and metaphorically shot through the murky smog that metaphorically represented Luigi's mind.
The plumber stood in the store, his fear replaced with a foolish notion to be a hero. He ran to the housewares section and picked up a two-by-four, running back to the main part of the store while the Superman Theme played on the speakers overhead.
He could see the lampshade man with the little girl and they seemed to be coming towards him. Luigi metaphorically steeled himself, getting ready to literally terminate the threat.
The girl and the lampshade guy were directly in front of him. The guy started to say something, but Luigi blocked it out, and smashed the man over the head with the plank, screaming, "DIE, LIBERAL LAMPSHADE MAN!" The board splintered into several pieces after contacting with the man's head and several shards flew around the immediate area, injuring several shoppers nearby.
Luigi stood heroically as he watched the lampshade man hit the ground. Then the little girl started to cry. Luigi looked down at her in the condescending, yet friendly way adults do to children and said, "Don't cry, little girl. I just saved America from the evil lampshade conspiracy!"
"You meanie!" she sobbed. "That's not a lampshade man; that's Mr. Snake!"
"Snake?" said the Mario Brother in a confused tone as he walked over to the man, who sat on the ground, his lampshaded head gyrating in a very Mortal Kombat-esque way.
"Luigi, you idiot," the familiar voice growled. "It's me, Snake!"
The plumber felt so confused right now. "Why are you wearing—?"
"Don't ask, please."
Luigi picked up a remnant of the two-by-four and hit Snake over the head again.
"ARRGHH!" screamed Snake. "WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR?!"
"That was for drugging me and throwing me in those bushes!"
Snake rubbed his sore head and then held out his hands apologetically. "Look, I was just trying to watch 24, okay?"
Luigi put his hands on his hips; an angry expression was on his face. "That still doesn't excuse what you did!"
"Sure it does," said Snake. "Due to the show's graphic violence, it indirectly influenced me to do that to you."
"I highly doubt that was the case," said Luigi unconvinced. "I still have teeth marks on my arms from when those wolves dragged me off, you know!"
"Oh, boo-hoo," said Snake, waving him off. He got to his feet and explained the whole situation about Wario's toilet and how he needed to find him and Mario in order to fix it.
"Sure, I'll go," said Luigi. "But first I have to check in with my supervisor, Mr. Smiliwitcz. Oh look, there he is now!" Luigi ran over to some guy with a giant smiley face for a head wearing the Dor-Mart uniform.
"Mr. Smiliwitcz, I have to go to fix the president's toilet in Washington. Could you give me a few days off?"
"Oh sure," said the smiley-faced guy in a happy voice. "You can take as long as you want, son. Just make sure to come back quick, now. Remember the Dor-Mart motto:"
Suddenly, Smiliwitcz's face turned bright red; a goatee grew around his mouth and two horns sprouted from the top of his head. He then said in a demonic voice, "'WE OWN YOUR SOUL!'"
"Mama mia!" Luigi took cover behind Snake and started shaking, unable to reach down and metaphorically do anything right now.
Smiliwitcz morphed back to his regular formed and waved. "Have fun, now!"
Far away in Burbank, California, the elder Mario Brother was filming a commercial for Crappy's Pizza, the place where the crust was so hard, that you'd swear it was actually made from the earth's crust. And delivery was always guaranteed, unless you lived more than five feet away from the restaurant.
Mario jumped in front of a backdrop of World 1-1 from the original Super Mario Brothers while an 8-bit version of the Mario theme played in the background. He jumped along as he read his lines from a teleprompter.
"WOO-HOO! It's-a me, Mario! You-a know, it's-a hard to rescue Princess Peach from Bowser on a—"
"CUT!" shouted a voice off-camera. Mario was so startled that he fell to the floor, facedown.
After picking himself up, dusting off his overalls and realigning his broken nose with his Gary Stu powers, he said in a Brooklyn accent devoid of any broken English, "What's the problem? I had a good momentum going there!"
"This isn't the scene I wanted!" growled the director, who was a fat and balding man with skin as greasy as the pepperoni on a Crappy's Pizza. "Bowser! Get out here! We need you in this take!"
On cue, the Koopa King lumbered out from his dressing room, a rock band of Koopas at his side playing the castle theme from Super Mario Brothers 3. Being such a devious, evil dude who had to always make a dramatic entrance, Bowser had hired a washed-up Koopa rock band to play some random Mario tune whenever he entered a room or building. It was a nice touch, but you would give all the geezers down at the old folk's home a heart attack with all that noise.
The director motioned with his hands to where he wanted Bowser. "Alright, Bowser," he said. "I want you to— "
Suddenly, a black Chevy Impala came smashing through the walls of the studio in a cool, Knight Rider-esque fashion. The driver, some guy wearing an upside down lampshade stepped out of the car, cursing loudly. He pulled the lampshade off of his head, threw it to the ground and made several holes in it with a 9mm.
"Snake—?" asked Mario.
The man looked at Mario as embarrassment made its dwelling on his face. "Oh, I guess I did have the right address after all…"
Mario cocked his head, his face filled with confusion. "Why were you—?"
"Please, don't ask me." said Snake in an annoyed voice.
Snake quickly regurgitated the twisted tail of toilet trouble in a timely manner and then Penny called from the car, "Uh, Mr. Snake? There's a weird smell in here…"
"Yeah," said Luigi. He sniffed the air. "Mmm… It actually smells kinda like White Castle…"
"You mean like sweaty armpits?" asked Snake.
"No, actually it kind of smells like— " Luigi was cut off as the car exploded into flames. Both the poor plumber and Penny were sent flying out of the Impala's front window, screaming. In a strange moment of heroics, Mario jumped up and caught his brother while Bowser stood where he was and caught Penny with his nasty clawed hands.
A moment later, the four Smashers and Penny stood dumbfounded, watching as flames shot upward and consumed the automobile. The guys doing the commercial were too busy filming the aforementioned carnage to stand dumbfounded.
A cameraman turned to the director. "Listen to this title for our new ad campaign, boss." He waved his hand theatrically. "Crappy's Pizza: We blow the competition to bits and pieces!"
The other people in the room were less than enthused. Turning to Snake, Bowser, Mario and Luigi, Penny asked them, "Now what are we gonna do?"
Many days and many plot holes and inconsistencies later, Snake, Penny and the Mario Brothers somehow ended up back in Washington. The Mario Brothers had fixed President Wario's toilet, received a meager payment of twenty bucks from the skinflint-in-chief and were getting ready to leave. The president and the plumbers stood outside of the Presidential Bathroom.
"Well, Mr. President," said Mario, "we fixed your toilet."
"What a relief!" said Wario. "No-a more using Dedede's bedroom for-a my business!"
At that moment, the vice president made a horrible discovery in his bedroom. "MAH CLOSET!" he shouted from somewhere in the White House. Wario chuckled quietly.
"What I was going to say, sir," said Mario, "is that we fixed your toilet, but there's a small problem that came up."
"What-a do you mean?" asked Wario.
The Mario Brothers led the president into the bathroom and Luigi pointed to the toilet. Wario could see that a white and black-striped king snake sat coiled on the seat, its tongue flickering out as it tasted the air, searching for prey.
"We don't have any idea how it got in here," said Mario shrugging helplessly, "but someone needs to get rid of it. King snakes are known to be very territorial little buggers."
"Yeah," said Luigi as he ran behind his brother to cower silently. "Snakes aren't our specialty."
Wario rubbed his chin as he thought for a moment. Then, an idea came to him. "I have-a just-a the man for the job-a…" he ran down the hall, laughing evilly as he ran to the kitchen. He reappeared a couple minutes later, pushing Solid Snake in front of him. He shoved the protesting man into the bathroom and locked the door.
"You boys may-a want-a run home," said Wario whispering. "Things-a could-a get mighty ugly." The Mario Brothers took Wario's advice and left the White House to head back to their crappy jobs and to get their privacy invaded by those grabby TSA guys at the airport.
Inside the bathroom, Snake quietly stepped forward toward the snake on the toilet, trying his best to walk as silently as he could without making too much movement. The snake's tongue flickered out, its black eyes watching the human's movement closely. Snake stood three feet away from the snake and slowly brought his hands down to grab it. Just then, the snake hissed and sprung up, coiling itself around Snake's neck.
For the next five minutes, the only sounds heard inside the bathroom were the screams of Snake, various profanities and a recitation of Samuel L. Jackson's key line from Snakes on a Plane.
Outside of the bathroom, Penny walked up to Wario and asked him, "Where's Mr. Snake? He's supposed to bring me back to Grandpa…"
"He'll-a be with-a you shortly," said Wario grinning mischievously. "I get-a the feeling that he's a little tied up at the moment..." The president began to laugh raucously as he held his sides.
Penny heard all of the sounds of struggling and bad language and asked Wario, "Is he trying to go to the potty?" Wario ignored her, laughing more.
Just then, the door opened and Snake stepped out. He had a drugged look on his face and around his neck, the king snake hung like a scarf, its head resting on his right arm. Snake smiled and lightly petted the reptile's head.
"You know, I don't know if it's because he tried to cut off my circulation or because of the lack of oxygen to my brain, but this fella ain't half bad."
He turned to Penny and said, "Come on, Penny. Let's get you to back to your grandpa."
He took her by the hand and tipped his headband to the president in a very un-Snakelike way. After bringing Penny back to her grandfather (and after Crygor and Snake shared some heated words over the wrecked car), Snake and the kingsnake were walking off into the sunset down Pennsylvania Avenue.
"I think I'm gonna name you Gilles, after that guy from that TV show I used to watch." said Snake to the snake, which was wrapped around his right arm. "You know, Gilles, this could be the start of a beautiful friend— ARRGGHHH!"
Gilles bit down on Snake's right hand. The man swore loudly, ripped the snake off of his hand and threw it to the ground. He then took out his 9mm and emptied four rounds into the reptile.
He looked down at the snake's lifeless form, shook his head and muttered, "Shortest friendship I've ever had."