Not every American teen was mourning the drafting of teen idol Tony DiNozzo. While the female population was picketing the White House over the matter, young boys everywhere were secretly—or, in some cases, not so secretly—rejoicing the disappearance of a man they considered to be a flashy and untalented fake. Truth be told, their feelings towards DiNozzo had more to do with jealousy than any actual dislike. This was the man who was stealing their women. There was an unspoken agreement among the boys: Tony DiNozzo was the enemy.

News of Abby's good fortune spread quickly in the town of Sweet Apple. Within hours there wasn't a single person who didn't know. The girls gushingly congratulated her while secretly hating her for being so lucky. The boys territorially scoffed at the idea of the rock star coming to their town. The adults worried about the scandalous and sinful effects Tony DiNozzo would have on their children.

Jimmy hadn't really thought much about the entire thing before Abby was picked to be kissed by DiNozzo. He didn't particularly dislike Tony DiNozzo—he would never admit to having a couple of the singers records stored under his bed—and he didn't mind Abby's girlish crush on the rock star. But to have that hot shot come here and kiss his steady? That was just a line that shouldn't be crossed. Worse, he had his friends practically breathing down his neck about it, urging him to "man up" and "set his girl straight." He was buckling beneath the weight of the peer pressure.

The battle of the sexes met on the front lawn of the Sweet Apple high school. DiNozzo was scheduled to appear at Town Hall in less than an hour. There, he would be greeted by Abby and would be given a key to the city by Mayor Vance. The boys were doing everything they could to stop it, but the girls were having none of it. Their voices rang out, chanting their dueling tunes as they each tried to stare the other down:

We love you, Tony

Oh, yes we do!

We hate you, Tony

Oh, yes we do!

We love you, Tony

And we'll be true.

We don't hate anyone

As much as you

When you're not near us

We're blue!

When you're around us

Pee-yew!

Oh, Tony, we love you!

Oh, Tony, we hate you!

In the middle of the fray were Abby and Jimmy, both looking remarkably uncomfortable. "Um…could Abby and me speak alone?" Jimmy asked his friends.

"Yeah," Abby agreed as she turned to her friends, "we need to talk alone."

The teens grumbling obliged, leaving the suddenly torn couple alone to discuss the problem. They were suddenly bashful, uncertain what to say. Jimmy looked down at his feet, rocking back and forth on them as he waited for her to break the ice.

"I know you're nervous," she told him. "I am too!"

"Yeah? How would you feel if I was gonna kiss another girl? And on national TV, no less!"

She gently took his chin and lifted it so that their eyes met. "Jimmy, I may be kissing him, but it's only a kiss1 Don't you kiss your mother?"

"Only on the cheek!"

"But you still kiss her, right? Well, this is no different!"

"Tony DiNozzo isn't your mother."

Abby sighed and walked to the school steps to take a seat. Jimmy followed and sat beside her. "Abby, a guy's got to do what a guy's got to do."

"And so has a woman," she retorted. "Do you think I'm doing this for my own happiness, for my own selfish reasons?"

"Aren't you?"

"Of course not! I'm doing it for the good of our country!" She rested her head against his shoulder. "Tony DiNozzo is being sent to fight in a war. He'll need the support of his fans to keep him fighting. What better way to show our support than to give him one final send off? A big, elaborate send off!"

Jimmy wasn't completely convinced. "But why can't it be another girl?"

"Oh, Jimmy! No matter which girl he kissed, he'd still be kissing all of us! The girl he kisses represents the entire female population, waiting for his safe return."

"So…so you aren't really kissing him?" he asked uncertainly. "I mean, it's really him kissing the entire female population?"

Abby smiled. "Exactly!"

"Oh…okay, I get it now!" His spirits were once again heightened.

"I'm only doing my patriotic duty, Jimmy. It's for the good of the country." She gave him a peck on his cheek before hopping back up. "Now I need to get to Town Hall. I can't be late, now can I?"

He too stood. "So, could we maybe do something later?"

"Oh, I don't know! I've got so much to get done, Jimmy! I've got to greet Tony, then I have to figure out what I'm going to wear on the Ed Sullivan show and get ready for rehearsal tomorrow!"

"But--"

"Gotta run!" After another peck to his cheek she ran off, leaving him both love struck and confused.

The crowd that surrounded the Town Hall was bigger than any Sweet Apple had ever seen. Mayor Vance was situated atop the steps along with his wife, Tim, and Ziva. Tony hadn't yet arrived, but the teenager girls were chomping at the bit all the same. "Your boy seems to have quite an effect on the young people," Vance observed.

"Oh, well you remember what it's like to be young," Tim said. His eyes widened and he stammered, "Not that you're not young, of course, sir."

Ziva stepped in to smooth over any situation that was about to arise. "What Mr. McGee means is that teenagers tend to go through their phases, as I'm sure you can remember."

"I hope there are no problems," the mayor said gruffly. "I'd hate to see Sweet Apple turned into a proverbial Sodom and Gomorra."

"Of course not, sir," Ziva assured him. "We will make sure Mr. DiNozzo is on his absolute best behavior." Despite that, the mayor looked uncertain. "I know he may exude a certain…er…reckless persona, but deep down, Mr. DiNozzo is a true gentleman."

"Speak of the devil," Tim muttered. He was nodding to a miniature parade which was making its way down Main Street. There were four police officers on motorcycles, two professional body guards in cars, one riding in front of the procession and one riding behind it, and, at the center of it all, a familiar face on a motorbike.

"It's him!" came a shrill cry from the crowd of girls. "It's Tony DiNozzo!"

Sure enough, the beloved rock star rode in, flanked by his protection. It was a good thing too, seeing as the crowd surged forward as the females each tried to grab their very own piece of Tony DiNozzo. He wore a gold jumpsuit, complete with a diamond-studded belt. When he removed his helmet, his hair was still perfectly coifed. He shot his fans an adoring smile paired with an impish wink.

They swooned.

The rock idol was led up the steps to where the mayor was waiting. Tony looked over the crowd with a growing smirk. He obviously thought himself better than the little hick town "Be nice," Tim hissed in his ear. He didn't want their celebrity to insult the people of Sweet Apple.

"I'm always nice, McGee."

The crowd quieted as the heartthrob reached the top of the steps and turned toward them. It was an eerie hushed tone as they waited for him to speak.

Abby took a tentative step forward and caught Tony's eye. He grinned appreciatively. "On behalf of Sweet Apple chapter of the Tony DiNozzo fan club, I, Abigail Gibbs, would like to welcome you to our town," she said shyly.

"Well thank you, little lady."

His comment elicited squeals of joy from Abby and her comrades, as well as every female within a one mile radius. Abby felt her heart flutter and her cheeks flush. Tony DiNozzo was here, talking to her!

Mayor Vance felt it an opportune moment to step forward and take the spotlight. "Mr. DiNozzo, as the mayor of Sweet Apple, I would like to extend a greeting to Tony DiNozzo and—"

"He said his name!" screeched Michelle giddily.

Vance was taken aback, but continued on. "And, on behalf of our town, I would like to give a key to the city to Mr. DiNozzo."

"He said it again!" Michelle shouted. "He said DiNozzo!"

"Miss," Vance said in an irritable tone, "if you keep screaming like that I'll never get through my speech."

"Who cares? We don't want to hear your boring old speech! We want to hear Tony sing!" The other girls verbalized their agreement. "He's the reason we're all here!"

Tim and Ziva exchanged nervous looks. No doubt Tony was anxious to sing, to receive the praise he so desired. But they didn't want to step on any toes. "Um…well, if Mayor Vance doesn't mind, of course," Tim stammered. "I'm sure Tony would love to give you a little song…"

Tony didn't wait for any approval; he didn't need it. All he needed was his guitar, his swiveling hips, and a gaggle of ogling girls. He jumped swiftly atop one of the ceramic lions situated outside of Town Hall and smoothly fell into a familiar tune. The girls were immediately mesmerized.

During the hubbub, Ziva pulled Tim to the side. "We will have to rein him in, Timothy," she warned. "I get the feeling this is not the kind of town that takes kindly to…well...his type."

"He's just singing a song, Ziva. Unless there's a law against that, I don't think we've got anything to worry about."

She frowned. "I would not be surprised if there were a law against it."

"No one's slapped handcuffs on him yet." Tim's sardonic manner was actually a cover for his own fears. He knew first-hand just how wild Tony could get and the last thing they needed was to be thrown out of the town…or thrown in jail. He wiped a bit of sweat off his forehead. "The girls seem to like it."

As was expected, the females in attendance—and some of the males—were enraptured by the rock star's song. He had led them like a Pied Piper to the beautiful fountain located in the middle of the Town Hall beautifully sculpted lawn. At least, it had been beautifully sculpted. The hundreds of feet which trampled across it left it looking less than stellar. Vance was shouting for them to stay off the lawn, but his cries were drowned out by Tony's voice and the screams of his many fans.

Ziva nudged for Tim to intervene, but the nervous young man knew it was too late. If he tried to infiltrate the throng of obsessed women they would tear him limb to limb as the Bacchants did to King Pentheus. All they could do now was stay put and hope for the best.

It was the hip thrusts that did it. One bump of his pelvic bone in their direction and the women fainted straight away. No female was immune to his magically, swiveling hips...not even Mayor Vance's wife! "Jackie!" he cried as the woman slumped backwards into his arms. She was out like a light having succumbed to the teen idol's seemingly magical charms. He looked angrily to Tim and Ziva and asked, "What is your man doing?"

Tim edged away from the irate government official, but Ziva offered a sweet smile to Mayor Vance. "He is putting your town on the map, Mr. Mayor." Then she turned and looked out at the sight which lay before them. Girls and women were strewn every which way, lying unconscious on the Town Hall lawn. The overwhelming sight of Tony DiNozzo combined with his voodoo hips had taken their toll on them. They were gone, at least for the time being.

And who stood amid this mass of fainted women? Tony DiNozzo, of course, complete with his trademark smirk.

This, he thought, was going to be fun.