I see the world for what it truly is. Nobody else does. This isn't poetry. This isn't music. This is science. This is cold, impersonal science that we are refusing to open our eyes to see. I feel sorry for people, so willing to believe in a beautiful lie rather than face the grim truth.
So few people are willing to accept this about themselves. They naïvely believe they'll live forever. They don't look for truth. They're satisfied to believe the lie. To put faith in their fake realities. It's sad, really.
When will we open our eyes? When will we get sick of kidding ourselves? When will we see the lie behind the beauty? When will we change ourselves? I'm hoping this day will come, but it isn't looking good. And it's looking worse every day.
People are so selfish. Whatever happened to love and compassion? Why doesn't anyone care about what greed has done to us?
We're so unwilling to take a good look at ourselves and realize what needs to be done. Well I know. I know what I have to do.
Is everyone else ever going to open their eyes?
She scowled. Pathetic. Helpless. Hopeless. It sickened her. She yanked the scribbled pages she was reading out of the binding of her notebook and shredded them to pieces.
I need to destroy myself, she thought, so that I can be reborn. I might not be able to send a message through death, but I can sure send one through reinventing myself.
She threw the shredded pieces of paper in the trash, then kicked the trashcan for good measure.
Who am I?
Holding on for the answer... do I really want to know? Am I better off ignorant?
She sighed and took her trash can downstairs, out the door, and dumped the contents in the green garbage bin on the side of the house. Once Wednesday rolled around, those shredded pages of her life would be carried off to a landfill to slowly waste away in the sun, or be picked at by the birds.
A familiar navy blue Volkswagen Beetle approached Keely's house. She slowly walked onto the sidewalk and grinned, bringing up her right hand to shield her eyes from the sun.
"Hey, Keely," Tia greeted jovially as she rolled up by the sidewalk. "What are you doing?"
"Just... taking care of some trash," she explained, glancing over her shoulder at the house. "You're... driving?"
"Yep. Why does that surprise you?"
"I thought... your leg..."
"Oh, right. Well, that's my left leg though. Besides, I'm not going to let something like that keep me holed up in my house, you know? Plus, the bruised ribs definitely bothered me more than the leg."
"Oh... but they're better now?"
"Well, better. I'm really lucky, Keely. I'm not trying to stay holed up in my room because of it."
"And you're... okay driving? Your mom isn't totally cheesed that you wrecked her car?"
"Well, it's not like she was happy about it, but given why it happened, she was willing to forgive me. And as for me... it actually doesn't bother me as bad as you might think. Is that weird?"
"Uh, yeah!"
Tia shrugged. "I dunno. I mean, I guess I should've seen that truck. Maybe she should've seen it. But we didn't. I don't... I don't blame either of us. Because we did what we set out to do. You think that's weird?"
"I don't get how you can get behind a steering wheel again so soon..."
"It's not like I'm not afraid... but if you don't face your fears sometime... how can you grow? How can you function?"
Keely bit her lip. "I don't know, maybe you're right. Anyway. What are you up to?"
"Nothing much. I was wondering if you wanted to hang out!"
Keely leaned her head back and gazed up at the sky pensively. Tia drummed her hands on the steering wheel.
"Why not?" Keely said, after looking down and seeing Tia's disappointed expression. She walked around to the passenger's side, opened the door, and hopped in.
"Where do you want to go?"
Keely bit her knuckle as she looked out the window, gazing at the houses as they passed. "Oh, I don't know... hmm... I should call Mom, huh."
Tia grinned slightly. "Yeah, probably."
Keely pulled out her cell phone and called her mother's work phone. "Hey, Mom... Fine, how are you?... Oh okay, yeah, I just called 'cause I'm with Tia right now and I don't know if I'll be back when you get home... Yeah, she just dropped by like a few minutes ago... Um... We're- we're gonna go see Bonbon, Mom... Mmhmm. Yeah, probably her house after... Right... Okay. See you later. Love you."
Tia looked over at Keely curiously.
"What?" Keely defended. "It's been like... three days since I've seen her. Since I've seen anybody, really."
"Why?" Tia asked.
Keely hesitated as her hands picked nervously at each other. "Just haven't gotten out, I guess," she lied.
"...Riiiight..." Tia decided not to press the matter as she pulled onto the highway.
Once she saw the IV hooked into her sister's arm, she remembered why she had been dreading come back to see her.
"Does she look any better? From last time, I mean," Tia added, this having been the first time she had visited. She nudged a chair out of the way with her crutches as she hopped into the room.
"I guess. I mean... I don't know. She still looks...."
Tia nodded as Keely pulled a chair next to the bed and sat down, clasping her hands and resting her elbows on her knees. Tia, suddenly feeling incredibly awkward, glanced around. "Uh, I'm gonna go get some water or something."
Keely nodded without turning around and listened to the fading noises of Tia's sneaker and the rubberized feet of the crutches alternately hitting the ground.
"I... I heard that you're supposed to be able to hear me... they say hearing is even the last sense to go when people die... I guess they say that talking is supposed to help people wake up... I don't know if it'll help... I just want my baby sister back..." She reached over and grabbed her sister's limp hand and squeezed it. "Just wake up..."
Tia waited outside the door, leaning against the wall, glancing occasionally over into the room, waiting for Keely to give her some sort of signal.
"I just wish there was something I could say to make it all better," Keely whispered. "But I guess there's not." She looked intently for a flickering eyelid or a twitching finger, but saw nothing. "Please... wake up..." She sighed, then looked over her shoulder and caught Tia's eye. She nodded, and the brunette hobbled back in.
"You gonna be okay?" Tia asked. Keely nodded as she rested her head face-down on the side of the bed. Tia reached down and patted her hand. Keely bolted up, then smiled at Tia, trying to hide her disappointment upon finding it was her.
"I'll be alright," Keely said, standing up. "I hope everyone in this room will be."
Tia sighed and gave the little sister's head a gentle pat. "Hang in there, kiddo..."Keely looked up at Tia and pursed her lips. Tia took the hint, and asked, "You ready to go?"
Keely nodded slowly. She stood next to the bed as Tia made her way to the door and said, "I love you, Bonbon," then leaned over and kissed her forehead. She let out a heavy sigh, then slowly turned and walked out the door.
Keely didn't speak again until they were back on the road, halfway to Tia's house. "Do I deserve misery?"
"What?" Tia asked, throwing a concerned glance over at her friend.
"I just... I don't know. I'm obviously the one who caused this. Don't I deserve some kind of punishment?"
"What do you mean? You want to suffer more?"
"I... I just feel like it's not fair. She tried to save me from myself, and gets this? That's not fair."
"The world doesn't work that way, Keely. You don't have to suffer the same she has. I'd say you've been through way more than you deserve to."
Keely frowned. "It should work that way. Criminals shouldn't get to go free. Rape victims shouldn't be blamed for what happened to them. And little sisters with their whole lives ahead of them shouldn't get put into a coma trying to do the right thing for people they love."
"...she's gonna come out of it, you know."
"You can't know that."
"No... I just believe she will..."
Keely laughed softly. "How can you be so optimistic?"
Tia shrugged. "It's less tiring."
"How is it less tiring? It's hard to find the good in life..."
"Dunno. Life's funny that way, isn't it?
Keely fell silent for a moment, reflecting on Tia's comment. "Yeah... I guess it is..."
- - -
Who am I?
The three words written in ruby lipstick stood out boldly on the mirror sitting above her desk.
"I am..." she said to herself, then paused in thought. She scanned the room, as if the lamp or the nightstand might offer an idea on who she might be.
Her camcorder lay forgotten in the corner; a tape with only a heart and a smiling face written on the label sat on top of it.
I am not ready to let go.
She stood up and walked to the door. Her foot kicked a notebook lying open on the ground, with over half of its pages ripped out, now destroyed.
I am changed!
Changing, I guess, actually, she added. Still a long way to go. Hopefully?
She exited her room, not noticing her cell phone, which was set to silent, lighting up, announcing an incoming message.
Her sister's door was halfway open. She pushed it open and took a look inside. The bed was made, the desk was clean, the floor was cleared. Curtis E. Bear sat on her pillow, that smile permanently frozen onto his face.
I am guilty...
She shook her head, pulled the door so it was nearly closed, and walked down the hall. She paused as her eyes fell on the tub in the bathroom.
I am...
Minutes later, but not many, a knock sounded at the door. Mandy opened it. "Hey there, Pumpkinhead!" she greeted with a smile.
Via smiled and replied with a, "Hello, Mrs. Teslow," noting to herself how glad she was that the woman didn't make a reference to fish and chips or crumpets.
"Come in, come in! So what brings you over here?"
"Oh, I tried calling Keely but she didn't pick up. Was she asleep?"
"Last I checked she was. You can go check if you want; I've got some work to do but I'll be down here if you need anything. Okay, Sugar?"
Via nodded. "Thank you," she said, and with that, headed upstairs. Keely's door was open, revealing her empty room. "Keely?" she asked, poking her head in. She noticed the tape she had caught Keely weeks earlier (was it months, now? Time seemed an illusion at this point, all things considered) watching so obsessively was sitting on the middle of the bed. On the mirror, a message written in lipstick: "Who am I?" Much of the first word had been smeared, as if someone had started to wipe it off.
"Hmmph." She walked down the hall, when she noticed across the hall, the bathroom door was slightly ajar. She saw Keely's shoe and part of her lower leg: she looked to be kneeling beside the tub. Via approached, not too quietly, since the running water would most likely drown out her footsteps.
"Keely, what are you..." She slowly pushed open the door and cut herself off, shutting her eyes and wincing.
Keely glanced over her shoulder, then slowly turned her head back to the tub.
Via slowly opened one eye, then the other, and took a deep, steadying breath. "Keely... oh, what have you done to yourself..."
Keely knelt over the tub, her right arm dangling in the basin, her fingers reaching at the water. Via shook her head and slowly walked up next to her, looking at Keely's bloody right arm with a mix of disgust and pity.
"I wasn't trying to off myself," Keely mumbled, as she swished her fingers through the small pool of water that was steadily being sucked down the drain.
Via sighed and rubbed her forehead with her fingertips. "Let's get you cleaned up," Via said. She walked to the linen closet beside the bathroom and pulled out a few washcloths, then came back in and knelt beside Keely. She dipped one in the water, and gently started dabbing away at the blonde's arm, revealing one cut after another.
Keely winced as Via wiped away at her cuts.
"I know, I know it hurts, Darling... just stay still. It'll be over soon...." She glanced back down at her arm and revealed another cut. "Bloody hell, Keely, are you sure you weren't trying to top yourself?"
"I swear, Vee... I wasn't..."
Via sighed. "I believe you."
"...really?"
"If you say you weren't trying to do it, I believe you."
"No questions asked?"
"No questions asked."
Keely bit her lip.
Via suddenly became aware that during the whole process, Keely was looking straight at her. She slowly looked up at the blonde.
"Did you mean it?"
"Did I mean what?"
"The... the other day. When I was over. Right before I left."
"Oh. That."
"Did you mean it?"
Via, trying to focus on Keely's arm, elected not to answer.
"I promise not to run away," Keely said, lifting her free hand.
Via wiped away at some dried blood just above the crook of Keely's elbow, before taking a breath and saying, "You know, you're supposed to swear with your right hand in the air..." She looked up at Keely without lifting her head to do so and raised an eyebrow. Keely sighed in exasperation. Via wrung out the cloth and grabbed a clean one.
"I'm sorry I freaked out," Keely said. "I know you... well. You know."
Via paused, her left hand holding onto Keely's upper arm, her right holding the cloth, hovering motionlessly over her arm.
"Right?"
"Pardon?"
"I just... what did you mean when you said... that you loved me?"
Via heaved a sigh and gently wrapped the cloth over Keely's arm as the blood clotted. "Forget about it."
"No, Via... I need to know... please?"
Olivia, on the verge of tears, slowly straightened up and looked Keely in the eyes. "How would you have felt? How would you have felt if you told Phil you loved him, and he ran out of the room?"
Keely's shoulders drooped as she let out a short sigh. "Oh... Vee... I am so sorry..."
Via shook her head. "Forget I said it. It was stupid."
"Via—"
"I get it. You don't need to explain yourself."
"I was just—"
"Keely. Please. Don't do this to me."
"Sorry... I just... I've never thought of you... that way..."
"I know. It's alright."
Via looked down again, and Keely sighed as she gazed at her. Who am I...?
"We should..." Via cleared her throat and started over. "We should get you bandaged up." She lifted the washcloth draped over Keely's arm and reached for the gauze. Just as she started to pick it up, she paused, and took a second look at the cuts on her friend's skin.
Carved deep into the flesh, tall, red, and pronounced, were the words, "I AM KEELY".