CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

Bobby was lost in a wonderful oblivion. He didn't have to do anything but exist. He didn't have to think. He didn't have to move. He didn't have to breathe. He thought he heard Alex's voice coming from far away. It was warm and gentle, and Bobby wanted to find its source, but he was horribly tired and weak. He couldn't move towards it. The pain began to prick at the edges of his mind. It grew, and it seemed to come from all over his body. As the pain increased, so did his awareness of other things, including Alex's voice, and this made the pain worth bearing. Bobby wondered if all of his thoughts were hallucinations, and if Linley and Caldwell still held him. Time didn't exist for him, and the thought came to him that he was in some strange Purgatory where there was pain but also hope. His consciousness returned slowly until it exploded. Bobby was suddenly and terribly awake, and he wondered if he'd been moved to Hell. He was gagged and restrained. He was in pain, and bright lights filled his eyes.

"They still have me," he thought. "They still have me…And they're going to cut me up and send the pieces to Alex…"

He struggled and heard Alex's voice. "Oh, God…No! No! They got Alex…No!"

He began to listen to her voice, which was calm and gentle. Bobby turned to look at her. She brushed his cheek, and her touch comforted him. He stopped struggling. The nurses and doctors' arrivals scared him, but he listened to Alex and trusted them. They removed the horrible tube from his mouth and treated him kindly and gently. They gave him cool, soothing water and made sure he was warm. As they worked, Bobby saw Alex watching him intently, and her presence helped him fight his panic.

"I'm going to give you something to help with the pain, Mr. Goren," the last nurse told him. "You'll probably fall asleep again soon. That's good. Sleep is one of the best things for you right now." She adjusted the IV and smiled at him.

"She's not one of them," he thought. "She's kind…She calls me by my name…She's not one of them…"

"I'll let Ms. Eames talk to you now," the nurse said. "When you're ready we'll try to get some liquids inside of you." She smiled again at him and left.

Alex stepped up to his bed and placed her hand against his cheek. The drug started to numb his mind and body, and Bobby felt exhausted. Something nagged at his mind, and he mumbled his request for information about the daffodils. The request puzzled Alex, but Bobby fell asleep with the knowledge he might see the flowers again.

When he woke up again some twenty hours later, Bobby wasn't sure where he was. "Calm down," he thought." You're warm…You're safe…You're not tied down…You're not gagged…" He shifted on the bed and winced at the resulting pain. He turned his head and saw a riot of yellow flowers in a vase on the table by his bed.

"Hey…You awake?"

Alex face loomed over him.

"Uh…yea…" His voice was raspy and very soft. It took him a great effort to speak.

"You thirsty?" Alex's voice was very soft, and Bobby thought she seemed to be apologizing for something.

"Or she's ashamed," he thought. "Ashamed of me…"

"Bobby…Are you with me?" He felt her hand against his cheek. He wanted and didn't want her touch.

"Uh…Yea…Please…Could I have some water?"

"Sure." Alex poured a cup of water, slipped a straw in the cup, and lifted it to Bobby. He lifted his head and sipped it. It was cool and wonderful, and he drank until the muscles in his neck couldn't hold up his head.

"Thank you," he said. The rasp was gone from his voice, but it was still very weak.

"There's more if you need it," Alex said.

Bobby stared at the daffodils. "Thank you…for these…"

"Well, the room needed some cheering up." Alex smiled. "You want anything else? You can't have solid food for a while, but the nurses say they make good smoothies."

"Uh…no…Eames…I…I'm so sorry…"

Alex could barely hear him. "Bobby…What…You've already apologized to me…Although I'm not entirely sure what for…You're a hero right now…" She smiled. "Although I think you're a hero most of the time."

Bobby blinked and stared at her. "A…a hero? Me? I…I got caught…" His voice broke. "And…And…" He turned away from Alex.

Alex swallowed. Dr. Huang and several others warned her that Bobby's mind was wounded as much if not more than his body. It was still frightening and confusing to be faced with those wounds.

"Bobby," Alex said gently and firmly. "You did the right thing. You saved a young woman. You stayed alive. You fought them every way that you could. You saved yourself."

Bobby stared at his wrists and arms. They were heavily bandaged, and IVs snaked out of them. "I…I can't even move…"

"It'll get better. You're already starting to heal. I…I know…"

It cost a great deal for Alex to refer to her ordeal at Jo Gage's hands. She and Bobby had barely discussed it, just as they had barely discussed his time in Tates. After her escape and release from the hospital, Bobby made sure that Alex made it to her counseling sessions, even escorting her to and from them. When she suffered nightmares and weakened to the point where she had to have someone, Bobby immediately responded to her calls. She'd lost count of how many times he'd slept on her couch, his long legs dangling over its end. During her worst nights, he'd sat up all night in the old chair next to her bed, and, once or twice, during really awful nights, Bobby sat next to her in the bed and held her until she fell asleep. By the time Bobby's life overwhelmed him, Alex was fortunately well on the road to recovery. As open as Bobby was in helping her, he closed himself off from her and everyone else as his troubles mounted and swept over him. After his suspension, Alex and Bobby slowly and tentatively rebuilt their partnership and friendship, but there remained forbidden areas. Dr. Huang warned Alex that Bobby's resistance to revealing any of his emotional life might be greater than ever, and that in order to overcome that resistance, Alex might have to lower her own defenses.

"Ok," Alex thought. "I guess it's time to find out how low I can get my walls down…"

Bobby lay back on his pillows. "I…I…Eames…Do you…Do you know…What they did to me?"

Alex desperately wanted to wrap her arms around him, but she knew that would only cause Bobby great physical and emotional pain. "Yes."

"I…I…Please…I…Can't…Not now…I just can't…" She could barely hear his voice. She pushed the call button for the nurse.

"It's ok," she said softly, deciding that a strategic retreat was the best move at the moment. "We can talk about it later…Don't worry…"

"I…I'm so tired…It hurts…So much…"

Two nurses entered the room. Alex rose and moved out of their way as they helped Bobby. He couldn't look at her.

END CHAPTER SEVENTEEN