My apologies for the delay in updating this one.

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

As hard as it had been to wait for Bobby to emerge from the darkness, the days after his awakening were even harder. He couldn't look anyone directly in the face. He could scarcely speak more than a sentence to anyone. He wouldn't or couldn't ask for anything, and when Alex or the hospital staff or anyone brought him anything or asked if he needed anything he was heartbreakingly grateful. In spite of the nurses and doctors' gentle and constant prodding, he barely ate even after he was cleared for solid foods. Alex and others brought in some of his favorite foods, but Bobby nibbled at them, and Alex thought he did that only because he didn't want to disappoint anyone. He was in great pain, although he did a good job of hiding it most of the time. But the staff, especially the nurses, and Alex caught him wincing and groaning in pain several times when he thought no one was looking.

"You don't have to suffer," everyone told him. "We can give you painkillers. You won't become addicted."

But Bobby continued to resist taking the drugs. The doctors finally decided to have a regular regimen of painkillers injected into his IVs along with the antibiotics and nutrition that he received.

He suffered mentally as well as physically. He was constantly exhausted from fighting the pain and from a lack of sleep. He could sleep for only a couple of hours before a nightmare woke him, and it took him several hours to get back to sleep. He desperately needed the sleep, but the dreams terrified him. George Huang and other psychiatrists tried to speak with him, but Bobby, although always polite and gentle, shut down when faced with speaking about his ordeal.

"It's not so much that he won't talk about it," Huang told Alex. "He can't. But I think he knows he'll have to talk about it…He's too bright and well read and experienced not to know that. But he's terrified of revisiting it…And I can't blame him for that."

"I can't either," Alex said softly. "Especially…" She looked at Huang. "You know…Something about what happened to me…"

"A little…The NYPD isn't a place for something like that to go unnoticed."

"I…I avoided facing up to it…As much as I could…And what happened to Bobby is much worse…"

"Detective Eames," Huang said firmly but kindly. "This isn't some kind of competition about who got hurt more. You both had terrible experiences. It could mean that it could hurt you both. Or it could help you help each other."

"I…I don't know," Alex said. "I had a much more stable foundation. A family. A good childhood. Bobby…Bobby didn't have that…He was hurt so badly in so many ways long before this. He survived…He even thrived…But this is so much…"

Huang nodded. "I've gotten some idea of that…It's going to take a lot of time and it isn't going to be easy. And it's not going to be one explosion and things get back to normal…It's going to be a lot of two steps forward and one step back."

Alex squared her shoulders. "I'm in it for the long run. He's my partner. My friend. And I wasn't raised to quit."

Huang smiled. "Well…I'd like to transfer him to the unit that deals with torture victims at Bellevue."

"That may be hard. Bobby may only hear Bellevue," Alex said. "He may think he's lost his mind. You're sure this is a good place for him?"

"Yes," Huang said. "Unfortunately, there are few places that specialize in the treatment of the survivors of serial killers. This comes the closest."

As the days passed, it was clear that Bobby's mental health was not improving as well as his physical health, which itself remained shaky. He tried to hide his feelings as well as his physical pain, but his turmoil occasional bubbled to the surface. He hated to be touched, especially by men. The doctors and nurses recognized this and approached him carefully, but even with the gentlest of care Bobby froze during some procedures. If a doctor or nurse didn't approach him with care—and sometimes even if her or she did—the results could be terrible. Alex—whose life had become a cycle of sleep, work, hospital—arrived at Bobby's room one morning to discover a huddle of doctors and nurses outside it. From inside the room she heard garbled, frightened cries. Alex pushed through the forest of green, blue and white and into the room.

The room looked as if a small tornado had swept through it. Alex didn't see Bobby in the bed, and her heart leaped into her throat. She saw Huang and a woman and another man in hospital whites standing at the side of the bed away from the door. The trio looked alarmed, and Alex strode quickly to join them.

"Detective Eames," Huang said with relief. "Detective Goren is very upset…"

"Alex!" Bobby plaintively cried. "Please…Please help me!"

Alex started forward, but Huang gently stopped her.

"We came to talk about his possible transfer to the Bellevue unit," Huang explained in a whisper. "And…to put it mildly…he didn't take it well."

"You should've waited for me," Alex said.

"Yes, we should have," Huang agreed. "We made a mistake, and he isn't listening to us. But he trusts you, and I hope you can talk to him."

Bobby heard Alex's voice and cried out. "Alex…Alex…Please…Help me…Please…Don't let them…Please…Help me…"

Alex moved around the corner of the bed. She gave a small cry when she saw Bobby, wearing a hospital gown too small for him, jammed into a small space between the bed, the wall, and some cabinets. He was curled up as tightly as he could manage with his knees pressed against his chest. His hair spiked wildly in every direction, and IV tubes hung from his body. Red splashes and dots spotted the white sheets and Bobby's gown. He stared wild-eyed at her, but Alex saw that he began calming when he saw her.

"Could you give us a few minutes?" Alex asked. She was pleased that she did a good job of hiding her fear and pain.

One of Huang's colleagues appeared to be on the edge of protesting, but Huang gently silenced her. "Of course, Detective Eames. Just let us know if you need anything. We'll be right outside the door." He gave Alex a reassuring look as he ushered the others out of the room and closed the door.

Alex stepped closer to Bobby, stepping when he stiffened and whimpered. She took a deep breath and crouched down.

"Hey," she said softly. "What happened?"

He shivered. She reached out her hand, but Bobby flinched and jerked away.

"Ok," Alex thought. "This isn't going to be easy."

She sat inches away from his feet and leaned against the cabinets.

"The doctors and nurses wanted you to be more physically active," she said. "But I don't think this is what they had in mind."

Bobby shivered, and Alex tried not to concentrate on the crimson stains on his gown and bandages.

"I mean," she continued. "This isn't the most comfortable place to sit…And you look cold…I'm going to talk them into letting me bring you some pajamas or T-shirts or something…"

She shifted so she was slightly closer to him. He stared at the floor in front of his feet.

"But you don't like pajamas all that much, do you? I've always liked them. You remember that cold day when I was late and you were picking me up for work? You tried not to laugh at my big flannel jammies with the puppies on them. You showed great will power…I know I looked funny, but they're warm and comfortable."

She moved again. Their bodies would touch if either of them moved. She saw more bright red marks on the back of Bobby's gown.

"Bobby…Please…Talk to me…There's only so much I can say about pajamas. I'm sure you can tell me about their entire history and what it means…"

"Eames…Please…" She could barely hear him.

"Yea, Bobby…" She tried not to show how thrilled she was that he responded to her.

"Please…Please…Don't let them take me there…"

She decided to meet him head-on. "To Bellevue…"

He nodded.

"Well," she said matter of factly. "I think if we're going to have an important discussion, we should get more comfortable."

She cautiously placed a hand on his arm. He shivered, but didn't pull away from her.

"If I help you," she asked. "Do you think you could get back in bed?"

"Maybe…" He still stared at the floor. "I…I don't remember how I got down here. I…I didn't hurt anyone, did I?"

"No," Alex answered. She wondered how Bobby thought he was capable of hurting anyone when he could barely stand up. "Except maybe for yourself."

He slowly raised his head and fought to look at her. "I…I seem to have a talent for that, don't I?"

For a moment, Alex felt ridiculously triumphant. Bobby was talking. He was talking to her. And was trying to be funny.

"Yea…" She leaned so that her head almost touched his. "You sure do."

"I…I like to try to get back in bed…"

"Ok." Alex stood and stretched. "My back isn't as young as it was."

Bobby winced and hissed in pain as he uncurled. "I…I'm bleeding…Aren't I?"

"Some…"

"You…You…" He leaned back against the wall and closed his eyes. "Oh…Alex…I'm so sorry…You shouldn't have to…"

"Hey." Alex stood over him and tenderly brushed her fingers over the top of his head. "You're alive…and I get to do this…"

"But…But…I don't know…Alex…I don't know if I can do this…I…I…This may be too much…I…I don't know if I can get better…I…It's so hard…I…There are moments…I…I wish…I wish I'd died…"

Alex dropped to her knees next to him. "Bobby…Bobby…I couldn't…I don't know how I could've survived…if…"

The tears welled up in her eyes and the sobs rose in her throat. She desperately fought them. She'd managed to keep from breaking down all through Bobby's kidnapping and the early days of his recovery. She wasn't going to fall apart at the moment he needed her the most.

"Oh, Alex…" His arms tentatively and awkwardly slipped around her shoulders. "I didn't mean to…I'm so sorry…"

Alex struggled for control. "No…No…This is wrong…You're the one…No…No…"

Bobby gently pulled her closer. "It…It's not wrong…It just is…It's ok…Let go, Alex…Let go…You've got the right…"

"But…but you're the one who got hurt…"

"We both got hurt…And I wasn't much help to you." For the first time since he'd awakened in the hospital, Bobby looked into Alex's eyes when he spoke to her.

And suddenly they were in each other's arms and sobbing.

Alex recovered first, slowly becoming aware that she and Bobby clung to each other. Her hands felt damp, and, to her horror, she discovered the back of Bobby's gown was soaked with blood.

"Bobby." She struggled to keep her voice calm.

Bobby shook and clung to her.

"Bobby…You're bleeding…We need to get you some help. Please let me get up and get you some help."

It was the "Please" that reached him. He finally won the battle to stop crying. He wiped his face with his sleeve, and stared at the bloody results. "Oh…Alex…What have I done…"

"It's not your fault…Just…Let me get some help." She slowly pulled away from him and stood. "I'll be right back…I promise…"

In spite of brief battles with the doctors and nurses, Alex stayed by Bobby through the next hours while he was stitched back together. She held his hand as much as she could through the various procedures until the staff finished their work. They finally departed, leaving Bobby hooked up to various antibiotics, painkillers, and another pint of blood.

Dr. Huang stayed as the others left. "I'm sorry, Detective," he said. "We didn't mean to upset you…"

"It was my fault," Bobby said thickly. The drugs and his exhaustion dragged him toward sleep. "I…I wasn't thinking…Alex…Detective Eames…helped me think…"

"You always have a good affect on him," Huang said to Alex.

"He does that to me," Alex said, and smiled at Bobby.

"Both of you try to get some rest," Huang said. "I'll speak with you later."

"Ok…I'll be ready then," Bobby said sleepily. "Thank you."

Alex walked Huang to the door. By the time they reached it, Bobby was deeply asleep.

"It was too soon," Huang said. "I keep forgetting that Detective Goren may know more about psychology than I do. He's very good at hiding things."

"Yea," Alex sighed.

"There is a good side to this," Huang said.

"Good?" Alex spluttered. "He nearly pulled out all his stitches…He's exhausted…How could this be good?"

"A storm broke," Huang said patiently. "It's not the last, and it's not the worst, but a storm broke. He survived it, and now he knows he can survive them…And he knows he can trust you to ride them out with him. This was a big step in the right direction."

"I…I can see that…"

"If you need me, Detective…I'm here for you too," Huang said.

"Thank you," Alex said warmly. "I'll keep that in mind."

As Huang left, Alex turned and walked back to Bobby's bed. He was blessedly and deeply asleep. The pale light from the small lamp over his bed made his very white face seem almost translucent. For the first time in many days, nightmares didn't appear to be plaguing him. Alex sat in the chair next to his bed and took his hand.

"Ok," she whispered. "We got through one storm…We can face the others…Hang on, Bobby…Hang on…"

END CHAPTER EIGHTEEN