CHAPTER 30

"You don't think this is too soon?"

Bobby half smiled. "My answer's the same as it was five minutes ago, Eames. I can do this. I have to do this."

Alex opened her door. "Just remember…If it gets too much…You let me know…"

Bobby nodded and stepped from Alex's car. "I will…I promise."

"This is going to be weird," Alex said.

"Yea," Bobby admitted. "But…Let's face it…There's rarely anything normal about us."

It was very early, and they encountered very few people as they walked into One Police Plaza and rode the elevator to the eleventh floor. Neither had slept well the night before, and the coffee they carried was more important to starting their bodies than usual. They sat at their desks and turned on their computers. Alex had tried to deal with some of Bobby's mail and paperwork while he was on medical leave, but a heavy pile of paper and a long list of electronic material still waited for him. Bobby moved through them quietly and efficiently. Alex studied him, and Bobby became aware of her scrutiny.

"Something wrong?" he asked.

"Just…That first day…When Caldwell first contacted you…You were going through stuff…" She looked away.

"Eames…We can't…We can't let everything throw us. Ok?"

"Ok."

In spite of what Alex thought were constant reminders of what had happened to Bobby, the day went well. His calm, steady responses amazed her. The only sign she saw of any turmoil was a twitch in his jaw whenever anyone asked how he was doing. His delving into the latest files on Linley and Caldwell didn't faze him. Alex could've blessed Ross. The captain welcomed Bobby back with a matter of fact tone that let Bobby know he was missed and his return appreciated. George Huang appeared in the late afternoon as he'd promised.

"It's mostly been good," Alex said as Huang approached her.

"Mostly?" Huang said as he sat in a chair at Alex's nod.

"Yea…There's moments…When people welcome him back or ask him how he's doing…Or when he catches them staring…But he's been able to shake it off…Although I think he's getting tired…"

"Well, he's worked a full day," Huang said. "That's impressive."

Over Huang's shoulder, Alex saw Bobby moving towards them. His limp, which even before his kidnapping was always more pronounced when he was tired, was evident, and he made no effort to hide it. Huang's eyes followed her.

"Has he said anything about being in pain?"

"No," Alex said. "But Bobby doesn't admit to being in pain."

Huang nodded. Bobby saw the psychiatrist and stopped. For a moment he appeared to be weighing several options, including avoiding Huang, but he took a breath and resumed walking to his desk.

"Hello, Dr. Huang," Bobby said wearily but amiably. "Checking on your patient?"

"Yes," Huang replied in an equally amiable tone. "How are you?"

"Not bad," Bobby said as he sat. "Not as good as I hoped, but not as bad as I feared. And I wouldn't lie to you even if I could because I'm lousy at lying to you, and you've already spoken to Detective Eames."

A quick smile crossed Huang's face. "I wanted to see how you were doing. But I also wanted to speak to you…" He glanced at Alex.

"About something I wouldn't like?" Alex managed to control her voice.

"Probably," Huang admitted.

Bobby looked warily from Huang to Alex.

"Go, Bobby," Alex said with a resigned tone.

Huang didn't miss Bobby's grateful look back at Alex as they walked to an empty interview room.

"You don't mind us doing this here?" Huang asked as they entered the room.

"Everyone knows already, anyway," Bobby said as he shut the door.

"Detective Eames' opinion means a lot to you…"

"You know it does," Bobby said as he sat.

"You'll speak to her after we talk…"

"Oh, certainly…I've learned that if I can't tell her something, it's a very bad idea or thing," Bobby responded. He winced as he stretched.

"You aren't taking any pain medications?" Huang asked.

"No…Don't need them…Can't risk them…"

"You know that you can take them. You just need to be careful…"

"I don't think you're here to discuss my pain management," Bobby said politely. "So…What is it? Caldwell and Linley or Gage?"

"All of the above."

"Oh…It's a twofer," Bobby said.

"Detective…" Huang leaned across the table. "You don't have to deal with any of this…You're under no obligation…"

"Yes I am," Bobby said firmly. "My job is to protect people. And if I can't protect them, it's to bring the people who hurt them to justice. And…Whatever he's done…I owe Declan Gage." He leaned forward and concentrated on Huang, who knew at that moment why Bobby Goren was one of the most feared interrogators in the NYPD.

"What," Bobby asked. "Is going on?"

George Huang loved his job, but there were moments when he hated it. This was one of those moments. The psychiatrist wasn't sure if Bobby Goren's calm acceptance of the reports of Declan Gage's decline and Thomas Linley and Mark Caldwell's machinations made giving the detective the news better or worse.

"How bad is Gage? Would he recognize me?" Bobby asked.

"I didn't see him," Huang said. "His lawyer and doctor are very protective of him. But they spoke willingly to me when I mentioned your name. If you wanted to see Dr. Gage, I'm sure they'd arrange it. But they told me they weren't sure he'd recognize you. From what they told me, you might not recognize him."

Bobby stared at his hands. "I barely recognized him when I saw him before…"

Huang studied Bobby. For all of his education and experience, the psychiatrist wasn't quite sure how to treat the detective.

"I…I hate him," Bobby said forcefully. "He killed…He killed…He might as well have killed my brother…There wasn't much hope for Frank, but Gage took any that there was away…I know there was even less hope for Nicole Wallace, but he took that away too. Because of Gage's pride…arrogance…All of this…Happened to me…And…What happened to Alex…Eames…I…I almost lost her…And…But…He cared for me…He saw my talents. He praised me…No one ever praised me before him or like him. I…I can't hate him. I can't…Please…" He looked up at Huang, who'd rarely seen so much pain in anyone's eyes. "I…I can't figure this out…Please…"

Huang hadn't expected such revelations from Bobby Goren. The psychiatrist had waited a long time for such a moment, but its arrival threw him.

"I think," Huang said cautiously. "That you just gave a good assessment of your situation. Your attitude and actions regarding Dr. Gage are exceptional."

"Maybe for their stupidity," Bobby muttered.

"No," Huang said firmly. "Exceptional for their understanding…Tolerance…Kindness…For their recognition of all that's good and bad about Gage. Just because very few people could do it or understand it doesn't mean what you're feeling or doing is wrong."

Huang's words calmed Bobby. "I…I need to see him…I'll have to talk to Eames. If I can't talk about something…If I don't talk to her…It's never good."

"She'll be upset…"

"Yea…But if I can explain why to her…" Bobby said. "Maybe that' ll explain it to me…" He stared at his hands. "And what about Linley and Caldwell?"

"That can wait…"

"No…Please…I'd like to get it over with," Bobby said wearily. "It's much worse to have to wait and worry about it."

Huang sighed. "They each claim that they have many more victims. They'll tell where the bodies are if…"

"If I'll speak to them." Bobby ran his hand through his hair. "What do you think? Is this a real offer from them?"

"I don't believe Caldwell has hidden any victims," Huang said. "He's trying to save himself and make himself seem more important. But Linley…No one knows how many victims he has…He's fascinated by the fact you escaped…He's heard enough to know you're working again…I'm not sure he really believes that…"

"I'm not sure I am," Bobby said softly. "Let's face it…I'm working on a very limited basis…On one case…And that case only because I was the victim…"

"Which might make it more difficult for you," Huang said.

Bobby shrugged. "I guess I should be grateful for it. It lets me work…And that…And Eames…Keeps me alive and sane…"

"Detective Goren," Huang said. "I know that you're back at work because your captain and others want you back. And if you didn't want to stay with the NYPD, I know several agencies…"

"Everybody loves me," Bobby said. "As long as I do the work." There was no bitterness in his voice, just an acceptance of a fact. He waved a large hand as Huang got ready to protest. "Don't lie to me, Doctor. Don't…Look…What it comes down to is will it help if I speak with Linley and Caldwell? Will it find some victims?"

"Detective, you don't…"

"Yes…Yes I do. Will it help?"

"Yes," Huang conceded.

"All right." Bobby stood, and Huang knew all of the detective's defenses were on full alert. "If you could let the FBI know, I'll speak with Captain Ross…And Detective Eames…" Bobby sighed and turned to leave the room.

"Detective Eames is not going to like this," Huang said.

Bobby smiled sadly. "That is the understatement of the year."

END CHAPTER 30