.:Chapter 20:.

The Third Journal Entry

Aka The New Year

January 15

So a lot has been happening since the last time I wrote in here. I've kept up with my food journaling part, but not really for everything else. I guess maybe because I don't want to actually face everything. Why is it that I can give Cody advice about girlfriends and everything and he can have long meaningful relationships, but I can't deal with that in any of my own relationships?

If you can really call them that. Max was the only relationship I actually had, but in the end, we still didn't really know each other that well. We did, I've known her for years, and I know her better than a lot of other people. Maybe not Tapeworm, but…you know what I meant…I guess.

The thing is that we were never good at communicating, if we got into a fight, we continued to fight, ignored what we were arguing about, or let it go on longer than it needed it to go on. That's not to say that we haven't had a good relationship. We had a lot of really good moments and I think there was a good chance that I could fall in love with her.

I think that's what I was scared about, ultimately. Falling in love. I've always seen love as something that can either be really good for you or really bad for you. There were times where I'd see classmates who were in love who did nothing but see each other every moment of the day. I hate it when people do that. Besides, sports and money were generally more important to me, though I did like the idea of being able to find that one person that's meant for you.

Yeah, it's a strange thought, isn't it? Me, Zackary Martin actually wanting to fall in love, but being completely and utterly terrified of it. If I could just date someone and live with them for the rest of my life, without having to worry about the commitment and responsibility of actually being married, that's what I would do. I mean, I say that now. Who knows what'll happen in the future.

I was always against the idea of having kids, and still am, truthfully. Not that I don't like kids, but I'm worried about the financial responsibility of it. I think of it this way; you can either have kids and have to save a lot of money for all of those finances or you could not have kids and use all of that money to go on vacations or see the world?

Kind of a weird thought, but it makes sense to me. I'd rather see the world. If I could do both; have kids, have a wife, AND see the world, I'd probably choose that in a heartbeat.

I'm getting great practice for it, anyway. I have one more shift to go with the day care before Mr. Moseby tells me that I have the job. I'm actually feeling really good about it. Working with Maddie is cool, I think my crush may home come back, not to the point where it was before. I'm glad she and Julius are happy together, but I still have that tiny shred of hope going for that eleven year old boy that had seen her for the first time.

So sue me. A boy can dream.

Anyway, there was one time that I was working and Syd was dropped off to be looked after. That's what he told me anyway. I seriously don't believe it; I think they were trying to see whether or not I really was good working with kids. Anyway, he said that the others were at work or doing some sort of things so he came by the Tipton Daycare.

He actually helped me out a lot. Being not much older than the eldest kid there probably helped. When I pointed it out Sydney just shrugged and said, "I'd hope so. It'd actually be pretty sad if everyone lost their childish side." He then smiled, shaking his head. "Just like my sisters when we were bowling."

"Oh, right," I agreed. I tried not to laugh at the thought. After having settled Moose into our group and we started our bowling games all over again, everyone got rid of the competitiveness we usually feel and started cheering each other on and freaking out whenever anyone got some amazing strikes or amazing saves to get the last few pins that were remaining.

Of course, no one could beat me, but Moose is a lot better than any of us thought he would be. He came in behind Cody and Tapeworm and they were close to my score. Everyone else trailed behind with ranging scores. And even though I had helped Riley get a better ball, she still lost, but was having a really good time with it.

I hadn't seen her or Rhuben for that matter, get so excited about the game. The two of them were actually acting pretty silly and childish at times, which was something that was good to see. They didn't show it a lot in public, usually when we were in the privacy of our own homes or the Tipton was when we would see it. Maybe Robert did a lot more damage than we originally thought they did.

Speaking of Moose, and I know I'm really jumping around like this, I think Moose may have a thing for Crystal. Now, this is the part that's really going to confuse you. I'm afraid of love, but I do believe in love at first sight. Do I think Moose feel in love with Crystal? No. But I think he had an immediate infatuation.

They got into a conversation about animals pretty quickly when they were talking. Moose had been saying something to everybody about the animals on his and Bailey's farms, and Crystal had sad something about how dogs always seemed to find her whenever she was at someone's house or in the park. They kept going after that and even though Bailey was in the conversation as well, Moose was definitely paying more attention to Crystal.

That'd be interesting. Moose and Crystal. It'd make things a bit easier for Cody, that's for sure. But it may bring up some problems with Bailey and Crystal, if Bailey wasn't, in fact, over Moose. I get the feeling she is, though.

See? I can deal with everyone else's problems but not my own! Where was I? Oh yeah, the day care thing. Syd had been talking about being a kid again. Right. Ok.

"I know what you mean," I finally replied to Sydney. Feeling a tug on the side of my leg I noticed Lindsay, a little girl that was dropped off every day, tugging on one of the pockets of my cargo shorts. Bending down, I wrapped my arm underneath her and lifted her up, holding her to my side. "I like to have as much fun as possible and worry about everything else later. I mean, soon you're going to get to the point where you're too old to even throw a football and what fun will you be having then?"

"Exactly." Sydney turned to the side. His face lit up when he spotted a soccer ball lying by a pile of balls that was spread out among the room. He rolled it up onto his feet and started to juggle the ball, transferring it from his feet to his knees to his head and back down again, over and over with little effort.

"Pass it here," I said, backing up a few steps. Sydney did as he was told; sticking out his foot and kicking the ball up to his knees then bounced it over to me. I tightened my grip on Lindsay and held her to my side as I juggled the ball as well. It was second nature to me. I liked soccer, not as much as basketball, but played as often as I could. Lindsay made sounds of approval as I continued to pass the ball around.

Finally, I rolled the ball back down to my feet and kicked it up once more. As the ball came back down, I brought my foot back and shot it forward, kicking the ball as hard as I could. Sydney and I watched as the ball flew overhead and smacked into the wall across the room. I held my breath, watching as the ball bounced away and rolled across the room.

It didn't hit anyone.

Thank God.

I would have totally lost my job if I had hit one of those kids.

I turned back to Sydney and pressed my lips together, trying hard not to smile or laugh when I saw that Sydney had the same stricken expression on his face and I had. Once our eyes locked we both burst out laughing.

"That was awesome!" Sydney declared, clenching his hands into fists in excitement.

"Totally," I agreed. "It would have sucked if I hit someone—"

"It'd probably be hysterical, actually," Sydney agreed. "Hitting anyone in the face with a ball, no matter how old they are, is always funny." He gave an evil smile. "It makes me wonder how long it'll take for Pat to realize that I purposefully aim for his face whenever we play."

I laughed and shook my head. "Syd, you can be so evil, sometimes."

"I know," he said seriously then waved his hand. "I'm just joking anyway. If I had a death wish I'd smack him in the face. He can turn into his 'beast mode' whenever he gets really competitive. Noah, too. They'd do anything to make sure they're the best and win sometimes."

"Riles said that you guys weren't competitive, but that you all just liked to win at any cost," I said.

"She's right," Sydney agreed. He turned and looked me in the eye. "But there are some things that we wouldn't do. I mean, when it all comes down to it, it's just a game."

I nodded and looked away.

I hated it whenever he was able to do that. I hated it when anyone was able to do that, actually. To be able to somewhat guess what I'm thinking or doing. Whenever someone guesses things about me or make judgments or assumption and when they're actually right…it's revealing.

I don't know if that's a good or bad thing.

Sometimes I think it'd good.

Sometimes I think it's bad.

Maybe it'd be more helpful not be so defensive and try to actually listen to what people actually have to say about the way I act. It just gets to the point where you want to ignore everyone then.

Sometimes…

Sorry, I'm jumping again, but there was something else I wanted to add. I heard Rhuben and Cody talking about me once. I think it was a couple of days ago, actually. I don't really remember. All of my days are getting so mixed up now. I can't keep anything straight.

Anyway, I heard them talking. I was coming out of my room when I heard them in the living room. They had been working on their project I guess. I wanted to give them some privacy; hopefully soon Cody would actually make a move on her.

Poking my head out the door, I looked around the corner and saw the two of them sitting close to each other, Cody had his arm around the back of her chair and was using his free hand to point and some sketches or something. I don't know. He wasn't actually touching her, but close enough.

I guess that's some progress.

"And then all we'd have to do is cross the wires and hold them together with some sort of conducting agent and we'll be sure to win first prize," Cody said with a smile, leaning back in his seat. He leaned over and picked up a box that was sitting beside him. "I even got some stuff from Arwin and started to construct some of it."

"Awesome!" Rhuben replied. She tucked her hair behind her ear. "I got some of the equations done and have started to keep notes of the things that we've been doing so far, to make sure we have something to turn in alongside the actual project."

"Beautiful and smart, that's a dangerous combination if I ever knew one," Cody teased. I rolled my eyes as he blushed and looked away from her. He missed the surprise on her face before she smiled warmly back at him. Those are the moments you wait for, Cody! Geez, I need to give this kid a handbook or something.

"Speaking of dangerous…" I could hear a turn in Rhuben's voice and knew she had just turned serious. I also knew I shouldn't have continued listening to the conversation, but I couldn't help it. It could get me into a lot of trouble—it once started a fight between me and Mom about who I would rather live with—but that's neither here or there.

I hope I used that phrase right. I heard my Mom say it once. Or maybe it was Cody. I'm so tired and it's so late, I'm working hard to get this done, sorry. It's weird, I've been really tired lately. Even going to sleep early to wake up early to help Riles out at the pool, I'm still exhausted. I'm starting to get bags under my eyes. They're easy to hide, but I think they're getting darker.

Ugh. Sorry. I'll finish their conversation now.

"Have you noticed anything going on with Zack lately?" Rhuben said. She leaned over, resting her cheek in her palm, her arm resting on the table. I held my breath, listening harder. "Like, anything about his behavior? Or maybe his lifestyle or something?"

Cody thought for a moment before shaking his head. "No. Not really. I mean, yeah, he's been putting n a lot of hours at the gym and working hard to keep his diet, but he's always done whatever he could to stay in shape for soccer or skateboarding or snowboarding or whatever he's in at the time. You know that. He likes to win at all costs."

"That's the part I'm worried about." Rhuben pointed her pencil at him. With a sigh, she slapped it onto the table and started to pace, crossing her arms as she went. "The win at all costs thing. Athletes will do whatever they can to be sure they're the best. Drugs, Steroids, weight gainers, anything they can do to give them an extra edge." She stopped walking and turned back to Cody, looking him in the eye, waiting for his response.

"What do you mean, Rhu?" Cody pressed. He frowned with concern and stood up from his seat, moving closer to her. "Is there something about Zack I need to know?"

I could clearly hear the concern in his voice. It made me feel weird. No matter how many times I made fun of him, he would still be scared for me and my well-being. Maybe he was the stronger twin out of the two of us. I always thought it was me because I was the oldest, but maybe I've been wrong this whole time…

"What's Zack's diet like?" Rhuben continued. She slid her hands into the back pockets of her jeans. "Is he…is he still eating everything…"

Cody blinked at her. "You think he's not eating? This is Zack we're talking about."

"I know," Rhuben said quickly, shaking her head. "I'm just worried about him."

That was a bit strange too, though not exactly. Rhuben was my friend too, one of my good friends, but she and I didn't ever really talk about our feelings about things with each other. Our friendship didn't work that way. But she still noticed enough that I had changed my diet so that she noticed? And she was the one that originally told me not to do anything stupid…

Not that I hadn't done the same for her. I was the first one to notice the bruises on her and her siblings by seeing them on her and noticed how some things were different that way. She was more of a watcher, willing to look around and see if someone thought something was wrong.

Riley was the one that was always quick to notice if someone was watching her and deflected concern and worries and questions, changing the subject to the point that you wouldn't notice until ages later. Rhuben would just look back at you, watching you until you got uncomfortable and looked away. Either that or she'd calmly deflect the questions with a cool, icy edge to her tone that warned you not to bring it up again.

Maybe that was the point. Now that I think about it, I'm friends with all three of them, but we have different friendships and different things we talk about and how we interact. It's like…three parts of one person.

That's a strange thought…

God. I have to stop getting off track; I need to go to sleep soon.

"I'm sure there's nothing to be worried about," Cody reassured her. "Zack's just working hard for the team." He sounded like he was trying to convince himself, then shook his head, flashing her a warm smile. Looking a little hopeful. "Do you want me to walk you back to the house? It's getting kind of late."

Rhuben smirked. "You've known me this long and think I can't take care of myself?" She said. Reaching out her hand, she grabbed her backpack and pulled it over her shoulder. "I can handle it, but thanks for the offer, mate."

"You're welcome," Cody replied.

I nearly shouted at him right then and there, grabbing his arm and forcing him out the door with her. But that'd prove that I had been listening and…after Cody's lecture about wanting privacy—I think that resulted in him moving to the hall closet, if it wasn't for my messy side of the room-I wasn't making that mistake again.

Cody walked Rhuben to the door and gave her a hug which, thankfully, lasted longer than it normally would have, and I backed into our room, waited a couple of seconds, then walked back out to go to work, acting like I hadn't heard a thing.

Acting was so easy sometimes. Just act normal and no one will questions you.

But I guess it didn't always work if Rhuben and Sydney were starting to figure out that there may be something wrong with me. It wasn't longer until Riley, Patrick, Noah, Crystal, and the others did too.

I mean, how long can I keep going to the pool, not get in, and keep giving excuses as to why I can't each time she asks to, so she can get an idea of how fast I'm going? Just watching wasn't going to be a good excuse anymore.

How much longer can I change in the gym before they notice the drop in weight?

How could I go over to the house and hang out without eating as much as I used to?

How much, how long, how could…

I don't know the answers to any of those questions. All I know is that I need to think of better ways to make sure no one found out before I hit my ideal weight. They'd probably blow it all up, anyway. I mean, it wasn't that big a deal.

Ok, I'm going to sleep now. I forgot to talk about Christmas with Mom and Dad, but I guess I'll talk about it soon.

Note to self: Start looking over the guitar so I can be a little prepared for my first guitar lesson.

-Zack

Carey smiled as she entered Zack's and Cody's bedroom. They were both sleeping soundly, two bundles underneath their blankets. As her eyes swept over their forms, she couldn't help but remember the back to when they had been young and she was staying with their grandmother.

She would sit in a rocking chair in between their cribs, reading a book and listening for any slight sound to know that they needed her help. As they grew up, she would do the same, always be there for them. Then they got to the point where they were young men and she wasn't needed as much.

It hurt, but it was a fact of life. It didn't mean she couldn't be there for them when they didn't know it. Carey walked over to Cody in his bed and gave him a kiss on the forehead before walking over to Zack's bed. He had a notebook tucked under his arm and a pen in his hand. Picking them both up, Carey carefully placed it onto the bedside table.

Her eyes moved over the cover that read in Zack's messy, almost illegible scrawl: Property of Zack Martin. Keep Out. There were skull and cross bone pictures all over the cover as well. He had always been the one that liked anything with skulls and camouflage.

Most of his drawings when he was a kid had something to do with it. Carey had been called to his schools more often for his drawings and how concerned the teacher was than having been called for Zack chasing girls around the playground.

Carey lovingly ran her fingers through Zack's hair and gave him a gently kiss before she backed out of the boys' room and closed the door behind her. "Zack finally fell asleep," she said to Kurt and Christian, who were sitting at the table, nursing some beers. She sat down at the table, crossing her legs at the knee. "I don't know about you two, but I've noticed a real change in him."

"You mean physically or mentally?" Christian asked. He gave a wry smile. "You can always guess what's going on in his head. Physically he's usually running away from Moseby, dodging phone calls from the school, or at some sort of practice." He raised the beer to his mouth and took a quick sip before nodding over to Kurt. "If he's not at your place anyway."

"I hope you're not implying that he's eating you out of house and home," Kurt said to the other man.

Christian's smile widened. "Uh, no, my own kids and their cousins do that enough." The three adults laughed before he turned back to Carey. "Is there something that you're concerned about?"

"Well…" Carey trailed off, twirling a strand of hair around her finger. She was his mother, she should have known if there was something that was going on with him, right? Not exactly. Even when she was a teenager there were many things that went on in hers and her sister's life that they didn't share with their parents.

"It may not be anything that needs to be worried about," Kurt spoke up. He cleared his throat, sitting up in his seat. Hesitating a moment, he gently clenched curled his fingers into a fist, rapping his knuckles against the table top. "He was throwing up a bit while he was at my apartment around Thanksgiving." Kurt shrugged. "He had been playing basketball a lot, he and Cody were going at it really hard, and he started puking. His appetite went down, too." He took another long gulp of beer, finishing the bottle.

With a flourish, he lowered the empty bottle to the table and let out a long belch. Christian laughed and Carey made a face, reaching out and slugging him on the arm. Kurt chuckled before quickly sobering.

"But you know Zack, whenever he's sick it's like he's dying," he continued. "So maybe he caught a bit of the stomach flu."

"Well, when we were at the girls' basketball game recently, Zack nearly collapsed," Christian said.

Carey's eyes widened and she sat up in her seat. "Why didn't you tell me?" She demanded, her voice becoming tight.

She didn't mean to snap at him, but her motherly instincts were coming out. This was her eldest son she was talking about. If Cody collapsed, it wouldn't be that strange, he passed out at the sight of blood—which was why he was of no use when he was there watching a baby being born in the Tipton elevator many Christmases ago.

Zack had always been the strong one.

Kurt held up a hand towards Carey, reminding her not to jump out of her skin. That was something the two of them had fought about when they had been together as well. She would go to the boys at every slight sound and when he tried to get her to relax; she would say he was being too relaxed around them.

It was still strange the two were only able to be comfortable around each other was when music was involved. Their practices and their performances for Christmas had gone over well, with little to no fights. Carey had even started to allow Kurt over to the Tipton more often.

Hopefully things would continue to steadily improve between them. Carey wasn't sure how she felt about their friendship now. She didn't hate him; she wasn't in love with him, that she was aware of. The divorce had been good for both of them, but he really did need to see the boys more. Maybe more of a fatherly influence on them would help them out as they got closer to moving onto the next chapter of their lives.

Christian had been a good influence so far and she was thankful that he had been around as a father figure to the boys when Kurt couldn't be. Maybe that was the problem.

"I didn't think it was that important," Christian admitted. "He got right back up to his feet. It looked like he just got lightheaded for a minute." He passed his beer back and forth between his hands. "I'm sure that was it, but if you're concerned…"

"Thanks for telling me," Carey said. She took a deep breath. "I'm sure everything's fine. But…" she thought for a moment then shook her head.

"Wait a minute." Kurt held up his finger before pointing at his ex-wife. "You don't really think there's anything wrong with Zack do you? I mean, he's starting to turn things around. He's working hard on the team, he says he's thinking about going into athletics in college and he has a job at the Tipton."

"I know, I know," Carey grumbled. She reached a hand up and rubbed her forehead. Her temples were throbbing and she couldn't ignore the feeling she was missing something.

It was either that or she was now highly aware that her boys really didn't need her anymore.