.:Chapter 22:.

Built Up, Torn Down

"Zachary Thomas Martin!"

Zack winced as he sat up, his arms behind his head. Though it was the standard procedure for a crunch, his stomach had gotten used to it so that it didn't hurt anymore. No, the wince was coming from the way his mother yelled his name. Any kid would tell you that if a mother called their child by their full name, there was no doubt they were in trouble. Getting called by the first, middle, and last name, all hell was going to break loose. Zack paused, lowering himself back to the floor and looked over at Cody, who had sat up, hearing Zack's name called.

Something that people that weren't twins didn't understand was that when one of their names was called, both of them were going to turn around. Not to trick or confuse the people around them, but for the fact that they wondered who wanted the twin and what for. When they were younger, Zack and Cody would try to trick people as much as possible with that tactic alone, though when their mother would start to call for them, they would immediately wonder what was the trouble they were in.

Now, however, Zack was sure he knew what it was and he knew Cody knew as well. His grades. It was always his grades. Now that he was actually thinking about going to college he was getting more pressure than he would have ever thought about his standing as the end of the year grew nearer. Sure, it was only February, but he had more things stabbing him more than his constant hunger was. And like his hunger, he tried to ignore it the best he could, waiting to see if it would all go away before things got worse.

It was a tactic.

It never worked.

But it was a tactic, nonetheless.

And Zack was the sort of person that always had a game plan whenever he needed it. It was always up his sleeve, in the back of his mind, waiting for a chance to be used. This time it seemed to bite him in the ass, much like everything else was.

"You might want to go," Cody said, swinging his legs to the floor. "Whenever Mom gets like that she counts the seconds it takes to go out there." Zack mumbled something in response before rolling over to his knees. His head swam for a moment; he shook his head to clear the dizziness and stood up, reaching for his shirt. Out of the corner of his eye he could see Cody's face suddenly turn pale, accompanying the light gasp that came from his lips.

Zack briefly closed his eyes, swearing to himself, wondering why he was stupid enough o work out in their room when Cody could have easily come in, as he did part way through his workout. The worst part was that Zack worked out without his shirt on; it was an easier way for him to see the results. He ignored the fact that his collarbones were sticking out more than he remembered and that his legs appeared thinner, instead he focused on the muscles that lined his stomach and his arms. He focused on the better things that were going on rather than the things that seemed to be falling apart around him. He focused on the positive and tried his hardest to make sure not to focus on the negative.

Now the negative was coming at him like a runaway train.

"I'm not going to ask you again, Zachary!"

Zack quickly pulled his t-shirt over his head before reaching for his black sweatshirt, tugging it over his head as well. Cody walked up to his brother, looking him at him curiously. Maybe not curiously, maybe he already knew what was going on. Cody was a lot smarter than anyone would think, in many different ways, not just academically.

"Zack—"

"What?" Zack turned away from Cody, instantly hating the way his voice sounded so harsh, coming out of his mouth. He shoved his hands into the sweatshirt pocket and turned around to face his brother. Cody looked like he wanted to say something, then his expression dropped to something Zack couldn't quite place. Cody pointed at his sweatshirt.

"Isn't it a little warm in here for a sweatshirt?" He finally said.

Zack searched Cody's eyes. He could tell. There really was something he knew. He just wasn't able to bring himself to say it. "I'm cold," he finally said. It was true, for a while now, he couldn't quite place it, he was constantly shivering or finding chills running down his spine. Even while in the shower, standing right under the shower head, he would shiver and start to rub his arms, teeth chattering for a moment.

Zack turned on his heel and walked out of his room, finding Carey and Kurt standing by the front door, their arms crossed over their chests. Each of them were staring hard at Zack, watching his every move as he walked over to them, his head held high. Zack's eyes moved over their faces and he couldn't help but laugh a little when he noticed their features were screwed up in anger, almost completely identical.

"Wow, I don't think I've seen you two share a strong front in a while," he said.

"This isn't funny, Zack," Kurt said sharply. He grabbed a chair and pulled it out, turning it around so the seat faced him and Carey. He dropped the chair to the floor and motioned for Zack to sit down. Zack walked around to the front and dropped down onto the seat, slouching down and stretching out his legs. He looked up at his parents, waiting. "This is very serious."

"The fact that you and Mom are both angry? Yeah, you're right," Zack said. "You two haven't collectively been angry at me for a while; usually you're so mad at each other." He shrugged for a moment, digging the tip of his shoe into the ground. "But this is great, I've found a way to bring you both together other than singing together."

"Cut the crap, Zack," Carey snapped. Zack tilted his head, glancing up at her. Though he was putting up a strong front, doing the best he could to try and stay as innocent as possible, he was actually a little unnerved from the way his mother cursed at him. It was a mild curse; sure, 'crap' was never a word that many of them used much to instill much fear in anyone else, but coming from a woman that did her best not to curse around her kids, even through the toughest scenarios, "Now's not the time." She rubbed her forehead. "We got a call from your school saying you're in danger of failing all of your classes!"

"Except history," Zack pointed out. "I'm actually really good at history."

"So how long does it take for you to realize that history repeats itself?" Kurt snapped. He started to pace back and forth. "Zack, over the years you have done the same thing. You get decent grades, get bored, start to slip, and then you are a few paces away from failing. But now you could actually repeat the year."

"I'm going to bring my grades up, Dad, don't worry," Zack tried to reassure him.

"We can't help but worry, Zack," Carey said, lowering her voice. Her eyes shifted and Zack didn't have to turn around o know that Cody was standing in the doorway to their room, listening. Even so, Carey lowered her voice a little to a stern, strong tone. "Every time you do this you promise that things will get better and then you pass, barely pass with a D or so and then the same thing happens the next year." She crossed her arms over her chest. "Don't you want to graduate?"

"And get out of Boston?" Zack asked sarcastically. "Why would I want to do that?" He slouched lower in his seat, his butt nearly hanging off of the edge of the seat, sending him to the floor. His foot rested on the floor with only the balls of his feet, his leg started to repeatedly bounce up and down. He clenched his teeth together, suddenly feeling very angry. Why did the school have to call? He was already getting started to turn his life around and now everyone was starting to yell at him for it.

Why couldn't anyone mind their own business? Why did he have to constantly have people wondering what was wrong with him or if he was feeling ok? He felt great! He looked great! He was doing great; he had a job he liked for god's sake. But everyone was focusing on everything he did wrong when was he ever going to be recognized for doing something right? It was enough to make him scream.

In fact, it's what he did.

Zack leaned over, grabbing the front of his head in his hands and let out a loud scream of rage. A scream that ripped through his body, turning his throat raw. All of the frustration, anger, and…everything. Just everything that he had wanted to get out was finally coming out of him. Zack jumped to his feet, knocking over the chair with a loud crash and took a couple steps back away from his parents, who still looked angry, though he could see they were stunned into silence.

"Don't act like you care!" He spat. "Don't act like you fucking care, because all you ever do is rag on me and everything I do wrong. Why can't you ever be happy for me for a chance?" He let out a loud scoff and started to pace back and forth behind the chair. "Because all you ever do is piss and moan about everything I do wrong. Why do you think I don't tell you guys stuff, that's why!"

"Don't blame this on us!" Kurt finally found his voice, shouting louder than any of the boys had heard him before. Zack could hear Cody gasp again. He wondered if he had blankie in his arms at that moment, the one thing that always comforted him whenever he was emotionally anxious. "You're the one that made the decision to skip out on doing your homework."

"And the fact that I'm now deciding to try, that I'm potentially going to be the captain of the basketball team, and that I now have a job at the Tipton mean absolutely nothing to you?" Zack asked. He raised an eyebrow as well as raising a hand, pulling it out of his sweatshirt pocket. He could see his hand shaking. "Glad I have that out of the way, Dad. It's so nice to know that you actually do care about someone other than yourself."

"We're not talking about your father," Carey said in a low hiss.

"We can talk about you then," Zack rounded on her, his eyes flashing in anger. Carey took a step back, her eyes shifting a moment; she hadn't seen Zack so angry. He was someone that moved through his emotions rather than thinking about his actions or words before speaking. That attitude had always gotten him in trouble over the years, but this was the worst it had ever gotten. "About how you're always praising Cody for everything good that happens to him and when he does something wrong you console him and act like he just got spanked by a babysitter or something." He jabbed himself in the chest. "But when it comes to me, you can't even be happy for me for a few seconds."

"That's not true," Carey said.

"Really?" Zack raised an eyebrow. "Remember when I told you that I got the job at the day care? All you did was tell Cod not to 'belittle my achievement' and gave me my favorite dinner." He threw a hand into the air. "You barely even care about asking me what my job was or when my hours were or who I was going to work with. But low and behold if Cody ever stubbed his toe you'd be all over him as if he's fucking three years old!"

"Zack, you're not being fair—"

"YOU'RE NOT BEING FAIR!" Zack bellowed. He yelled so loud he doubled over on himself, trying to catch his breath. "Nothing about being in this family is EVER FAIR! You don't treat me and Cody fairly and for a long time I really didn't care. I don't really; I just want you to admit it. I WANT YOU TO FUCKING ADMIT IT." He paused and lowered his voice for a moment. "I want you to admit that you regret marrying Dad and having us."

His words came out in a whisper, but they had the force of screaming at the top of his lungs. There silence stretched around the room. Zack didn't even hear Cody come up behind him until he put his arm around Zack's shoulders. Zack was shaking so hard, tears that dangled from his eyelashes slipped down his cheeks, dangling off his chin. He couldn't stop shaking, it was as if someone had picked him up and shook him hard enough that his head lolled back and forth. Even Cody's comforting grasp around his shoulders was doing nothing to help him calm down.

His light blue eyes moved across his parents' faces. He couldn't see them properly through his shimmery gaze; the tears couldn't seem to stop. He reached up his hands and hastily wiped them away, sucking in a breath through his nose. Bowing his head, he tried not to look at his parents, wondering what they were thinking or what they were going to say when they finally found their voices. He was ashamed. Ashamed of the way he spoke to them, but not of what he said.

"I-I," he started to say, but his voice was caught in his throat.

"Mom, Dad," Cody spoke up. He tightened his grip on Zack's shoulder, protectively pulling him into his side. Zack could feel Cody grasp his shoulder hard enough, able to feel exactly where his bones were and how protruding they were. Zack wanted to duck out from under Cody's grasp but couldn't force himself to move. "I'm sure Zack didn't mean that—"

"I fucking meant it and you know it, Cody," Zack murmured. He turned and looked at Cody, having to slightly look up at him as he was a little bit taller than he. "And I know that you've thought the same thing. That you've wondered why Mom and Dad had even decided to be together if they divorced a year after we were born and Dad was gone so much." He shook his head, turning away from his brother. As he turned, he caught sight of Carey's expression and the heartbroken look made his heart fall to his feet.

What did he expect?

How could he bring up the topic in a way that wasn't as bad as it was? Their situation was terrible. Not that Carey was a terrible mother. She did an amazing job as a single mother with newborn twin boys and juggling a singing career as well as doing the number of odd jobs to be sure they had everything they needed. Her mother took the three of them in and while she harbored a gut full of bitterness towards her estranged husband, she really wasn't that angry at him. She understood their problems and was able to graciously and mutually back out of the marriage they had. And, as sad as it was, she had gotten pregnant with the boys before they had gotten married, the whirlwind of their attraction to each other or of Kurt's to Carey as she was trying to catch the drummer's eye, may have been something to avoid.

But if they avoided it they wouldn't have had Zack and Cody and…

It was hard to think about.

Carey ran her hands over her face, letting out a sigh of frustration. "Look, Zack, I know that things are hard for you right now," she said calmly. "And I know that you probably didn't mean to yell like that, but I'm glad that you're getting out what you've been feeling."

Zack paused, his eyes shifting. "You are?"

"Yes," Carey agreed. She looked over at Kurt, who nodded in agreement. "This is something that we should have talked to you about, instead of acting like it was normal." She briefly gestured between herself and Kurt. "And our arrangement."

"You see," Kurt crossed his arms over his chest. He rocked back and forth on his heels, trying to decide the words to say. "If we went back and did things again…aware of how life would have turned out now, I can't honestly say that we would do everything the same."

"W-what?" Cody dropped his arm from Zack's shoulders in surprise. His lips puckered, eyebrows lowered, and his jaw trembled for a moment. "But…if you didn't…then Zack and I would be—"

"You don't know that for sure," Kurt interrupted him.

Cody snorted. "I know you left school to work on your music career, but even you know how genetics works, Dad."

Kurt laughed for a long moment before shaking his head. He pinched the bridge of his nose then pressed his hands together in the prayer position. He waved a hand and motioned for the boys to follow him and Carey to the living room, where they situated themselves on the couch and chairs that opposed it. Zack turned his chair around, resting against the back of the chair, resting his arms on top of the rest.

"What we mean is that…your mother and I were pregnant with you two before we got married," Kurt explained. He held up a hand. "Not to go into a lot of details, but we had one night, she got pregnant, and we decided that it'd be better to get married." He placed his hand on his chest. "I wasn't lying when I said I found your mother attractive, and I like to think that she found me attractive at some points."

"Keep thinking that," Carey murmured. Kurt smiled a little. "But what you have to remember, boys is that because we got married so quickly, we didn't really know each other." She laced her fingers together, doing her best not to run them through her hair, as she had been absentmindedly doing for the past couple of minutes. "Our marriage had its happy moments, especially when you two were born, but we realized that we didn't love each other and we probably weren't going to end up loving each other. I liked him a lot, I really did care for him—"

"Did?" Kurt twisted his head and looked at him.

"Do," Carey corrected herself. She took her eyes away from Kurt and focused on her sons. "I do care for your father, as a friend, as one of my best friends. Sure we fight as soon as we see each other, but we do care about each other, just in different ways than you would expect."

Zack moved his lower jaw to the side.

"So, yes, Zack, we shouldn't have gotten married, it may have saved us a lot of grief over the years, but the way we are now, as our own family, I wouldn't give that up for anything."

Zack's eyes narrowed for a moment. He brought a hand up to his mouth and started to gently pull his lip away from his mouth. He did his best to keep his eyes on the floor, away from everyone else. That should have made him feel better; he finally got out what he wanted to know. But…he still hadn't told them how he was feeling, what they deserved to know. What he felt for as long as he could remember.

"But you don't know what it's done to us," Zack said after taking a deep breath. He rested his forehead against his finger tips. "Have you ever thought of that? Have you thought that the reason I don't do my homework or anything else is because I want attention? Or maybe that I can't hold a fucking relationship for long that I'm scared of commitment before I see how you guys are with each other?" His knees started to bob up and down once more. "I can't…I can't do anything because of you two. Your divorce…I'm scared of ending up like that with someone else. My relationship with Max is over because I can't communicate; because I've never seen you guys talk to each other. Like, actually talk to each other. Having to go back and forth and watch you two blame each other for what I've done wrong.

"I can't do anything right other than play sports well because I think that's a good way to actually have some positive feedback from you two. I associate myself with friends who have parental problems, I can't stand going to Max's and Tapeworm's and Bailey's houses and seeing how their parents are so in love with each other. Cody holds onto his baby blanket like it'll kill him if it's not around, he wet the bed until we were seven, and he clung to you, Mom, for as long as I can remember. We've had to take care of ourselves many times you were gone and when grandma would fall asleep which, I'll admit, had created too many instances where the fire department was called—"

"—which was his fault not mine," Cody interrupted.

"—And you still can't seem to notice that whenever we talk about this, you still only talk about yourselves, as if we're luggage that just gets assed back and forth when we need to be brought somewhere." Everything came rocketing out of Zack's mouth, unable to stop himself. His thoughts shifted just as quickly as each word tumbled from his lips. "I had to grow up a lot faster than a lot of other people. I've had to defend Cody and you guys whenever someone would make fun of me. I hated moving around so much. I liked living with Grandma but I'm tired of having to make new friends over and over and over again."

Cody was the one that got Zack's attention. He stared hard at his older brother, scratching the side of his neck. "How come you didn't say anything before?"

"Because," Zack said with a sarcastic edge to his tone. "Unlike you, Cody, I don't cry about everything that bothers me. I prefer not to let anyone think that there's something wrong when I can handle it myself."

Cody sat up straight. "Because you're doing such a good job with it now."

"You don't know what you're talking about," Zack replied.

"So explain it to me! Explain what's bothering you."

"Nothing's bothering me, Cody I already said that." Zack clenched his hands into fists, holding onto them so tightly his knuckles turned white. His heart started to thud against his chest.

"Then what's with the sweatshirt?" Cody spat back at his brother, becoming angry himself. He ignored Kurt's attempt at getting the twin boys to stop arguing. Zack opened his mouth to reply, but Cody swiftly cut him off. "You say you're cold, but we've lived here long enough and in Seattle long enough that you never get cold."

"Yeah, well—"

"Boys!" Carey finally broke in. Zack and Cody fell silent. Zack was pale now, his legs moving as fast as a car revving its engine. He looked like he was about to go rocketing down a race track. "Thank you for talking honestly with us. I'm sorry for…well…for everything."

"You don't have to apologize," Cody protested.

"Yes we do, Cody," Kurt said warmly. He leaned forward and ruffled his sons' hair. "We should have explained what was going on earlier. We thought it would be better if we waited until you were older and we were sure that you were able to handle it. But I can see now that we made a mistake and we're truly sorry."

Zack nodded. "It's ok, Mom." For the first time since the conversation started he smiled a little.

Carey moved off of the couch and placed her hands on Zack's cheeks, tilting his head back so she could look him in the eye. "There are times where I do think that deciding to marry your father was a mistake, but I don't ever regret having you boys."

"As much as we give you gray hair?" Zack's eyes twinkled with mischief.

"As much as you give me gray hair," Carey confirmed.

Kurt leaned over to Cody. "It's about time she admits it."

"I know," Cody agreed.

Carey ignored them and gave Zack a kiss on the forehead. "Love you."

"Love you," he mumbled in reply, lowering his head, his cheeks flushing. He couldn't have her look at him and see what was going on behind his eyes. There was a storm brewing in the baby blues, turning the sky a dark gray. No matter that he was able to say what he had wanted to say, he still felt lost, as if he still drowning in the constant pressure around him.

Zack got up from his seat and started towards his room.

"Zack." Cody grabbed onto Zack's hand, something the two of them had never done since they were five. They had both agreed that they were too old for it, it was too weird, that they didn't need each other's comfort like that anymore. As Zack closed the bedroom door behind them, Cody moved in front of his brother, searching his eyes with his.

Zack mustered up a smile, the fakest one he could create that seemed real. "I'm fine," he said gently.

"Do you promise?" Cody tightened his grip on Zack's hand. "Do you promise me?"

"I promise."

The earnest look in his eyes combined with the eagerness in his tone made it impossible for Zack to tell the truth, no matter how badly he wanted t.

"I promise."

February 8

Valentine's Day is coming up…

Otherwise, I have nothing to say.

Things I've eaten today:

Breakfast

-Nothing

Lunch

-Nothing

Dinner

-Quarter of Plate

A/N: Happy (one day early) birthday to Owlhero! Have a great one, buddy! :D

-Riles