Five million years later and I'm writing again! To be honest, I haven't really been reading Naruto anymore, yet I really am determined to someday finish this. That being said, I apologize if there's any glaring inconsistancies with the source. Think of it as some sort of AU, I suppose?
Also, this chapter is kind of short yet the next one which I just wrote (I refuse to put up a chapter unless I'm at least one chapter ahead) is massive. It was also written while I was recovering from getting my wisdom teeth pulled. The may next chapter may or may not be absolutely terrible, I'll decide when I'm off of these painpills.
Ino knocked the door of the Nara residence with fervor, a nastily devious expression on her face. She'd been wracking her brain for a good twenty minutes, desperate to think of a surefire way to wreck a date while at the same time cursing herself for not being an evil mastermind. However, after pretty much just picking at her fingernails the entire time, she came to a sudden realization: she wasn't the one who had to be an evil mastermind. No, of course not. She just needed to know someone who was an evil mastermind. After all, what use was having Shikamaru as a friend if she wasn't allowed to put that freakishly large brain of his to work?
"Open up, Genius!" Ino called, impatient. She banged her fist against the door at an unceasing and constant interval, not daring to break the rhythm until the door was opened. After two minutes of the pounding, the door inched open, Shikamaru peering out from the crack. Ino waved cheerily and he immediately slammed the door shut.
"I'm not home," Shikamaru answered through the closed door.
"If that didn't work last time, what makes you think it'd work this time!" Ino yelled, pounding harder on the door.
"I can only hope."
"Shikamaru! Stop being an ass and open the door before I completely freak out and break it!"
"Whatever, Ino. You're not going to break my door," Shikamaru said with a sigh.
"Yes, I am! Just you wait, Shikamaru. I'm going to bust it down, tear it to shreds, pull it from its hinges and then beat you over the head with it. And you know what's the worst thing I'm going to do?"
"What?" he asked, although sounding thoroughly bored.
"I'm going to tell you're mother it was all your fault."
A loud bang sounded against the door, as if somebody had just jammed their funny-bone against it. Ino heard Shikamaru curse. "You wouldn't."
"You wanna test me, Nara?"
Without another word, Shikamaru opened the door, abruptly about-faced, and shuffled over to the couch in his living room. Ino followed cheerfully behind him.
"What do you want?" Shikamaru grumbled, not cutting any corners. Ino frowned at him and crossed her arms.
"And you automatically assume I want something," Ino sighed, shaking her head at him. "Some friend you are."
"Don't you?"
"Well, yeah. But that's not the point," she muttered. She flipped her ponytail over
her shoulder and primly sat onto the couch. Squaring her shoulders and dropping her hands neatly into her lap, she tried to look as much like a severe academy teacher as possible. Shikamaru (or anyone else, for that matter) had a manner of ignoring her demands unless she made it absolutely certain that she would beat his brains out if he didn't listen.
"Stop making that face," Shikamaru demanded.
"I'm not making a face," Ino argued, even though she was.
The two ninjas stared at each other for a few minutes, Ino with her "constipated librarian" look and Shikamaru with his "when are you going to leave" look. Finally, Ino looked away and patted the seat beside her. Shikamaru remained standing.
"Are you going to talk or what?" he asked.
"Well, duh. What else would I do? Sign language my point across to you?"
"I was hoping for interpretive dance, actually," Shikamaru joked. Ino tried to hide the small smile on her face. Even if he was a lazy lump most of the time, Chouji and him really had been two of her best friends practically since birth. He'd help her; she knew he'd help her. Otherwise she'd guilt-trip him about it until he was begging for forgiveness.
"Shikamaru, I need you to help ruin that Kankuro kid's date with Tenten," she told him with pleading eyes. He stared at her with a blank expression.
"No."
"What?"
"No."
"Sh-Shikamaru! You can't say that! We're best friends, remember? Best friends aren't allowed to tell each other no. You're not allowed," she informed him, her face growing red and blotchy. He didn't know the rules. That stupid genius didn't know the rules. She was about five seconds away from tearing his hair out.
"I thought Sakura was your best friend."
"Well… You're at least a close second," Ino admitted. "Maybe third. That's good enough, okay? We've known each other since we were in diapers, Shikamaru. Diapers. Does that mean nothing to you!"
"All it means to me is that our parents must have been as crazy as you are." Shikamaru sighed and rubbed his forehead. His had a headache already, but really it was no surprise. His head usually started to ache whenever Ino was around, so much so that he usually carried around a bottle of aspirin with him whenever he knew he'd be in direct contact with her for extended periods of time.
"I'm not crazy."
"Well, you're definitely not sane, that's for sure."
"Shikamaru," Ino huffed and then crossed her arms. "What have I ever done that has made me seem crazy?"
"Ino, you want me to help ruin a date. A date. A date with two people who, frankly, you should have no connections with, whatsoever." He matched her stubborn expression, crossing his own arms. "When did you and Kankuro become friends, anyway?"
"F-friends?" Ino paled at the word. Oh God, her and Kankuro? Friends? "What makes you think we're friends? Don't make me throw up, Shikamaru. If I do, you're gonna have to clean it up, you know."
"Well, you were just over his house, weren't you? And now you're acting all protective and stuff, wanting to ruin his date. It makes sense that you guys must have some sort of relationship going on." Shikamaru rolled the thoughts once more around in his head for a moment before abruptly stiffening. He stared at Ino with wide eyes and she rose an eyebrow at him. "You're not dating him, are you?"
"D-" That was as far as she could get as seconds later she slapped a hand over her mouth and bolted towards Shikamaru's bathroom. He winced as her heard a retching sound from the room and then smacked a hand over his eyes in frustration. Ino strode back out and sat primly at the edge of the couch as if nothing had happened at all. "No, Shikamaru. We're not dating."
"You just puked in my bathroom," Shikamaru stated, looking horrified.
"It was your fault."
"You just puked in my bathroom, Ino."
"Oh, calm down," Ino insisted with a roll of her eyes. "I didn't actually puke, okay? It was more like dry-heaving. I was over-exaggerating to get my point across, duh. You suck at being a genius, Shikamaru."
"Don't ever do that again," he told her. "I don't care if you were just acting, that was disgusting."
"What you said was disgusting, too," Ino told him. She thrust her nose up in the air, trying to look as offended as possible.
"It's a logical question. Why else would you want me to mess up something as stupid as a date?" Shikamaru stared at her expecting an answer. She stared back before finally sighing.
"Because I want to buy a necklace."
"So… If Kankuro's date sucks… Then you get a necklace?"
"Yes! That's exactly it!" Ino bounced up and down, glad he was getting the gist of it.
"How does that even make sense?"
"Shikamaru, stop asking questions," she demanded. "Just trust me, okay? I'll tell you what, you do this and I swear I won't ever tell you're mom that you're dating Temari."
"You were planning on telling her?" A look of legitimate fear passed over Shikamaru's face. If she told his mom that, his life would be ruined. Absolutely destroyed to the point of no revival. He would die three times, once at the hands of his mom, another by Temari's, and then commit suicide to top it all off.
"Well, shouldn't she know? She's you're family, isn't she?" Ino said to him, not realizing how dire the situation was.
"No, she does not have to know. Under no circumstances can you ever tell her, you got that Ino? I don't care if she tortures you. I don't care if she threatens to blow up all of Konoha. Don't ever tell her."
"Well," Ino began with an innocent smile. "You help me out and I won't."
Shikamaru stared at her. Manipulative. That was the only way he could describe her. Oh, God. His head was pounding.
"Fine," he agreed. "I'll help."
"Yes! Now first of all, we've got to search the city. Find out where they're hiding, you know? Then, we need to- Shikamaru. Shikamaru? Where are you going?" Ino stared after him as she opened the front door. Instead of following her, he was heading to the bathroom with his face in his hands. Ino had the fleeting terror that he would end up throwing up, just like she'd pretended to. Thankfully, she heard him only shuffling through the cabinets moments later. "What are you doing?"
He returned with a large bottle of aspirin in his hand, already swallowing two of the pills dry.
"I'm going to need this."
