Disclaimer: I own nothing. The Sound of Music and its characters belong to their respective owners.
A/N: I am horribly sorry this next chapter took so long. Life got in the way, but I'm hoping I'll have some more time now that summer's here. One thing's for sure, I am planning to go through with the story, no matter what.
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Ben was appalled. Although Maria had been anything but an ordinary woman, climbing a tree wasn't something he had ever thought he would see her do. His heart skipped a beat at the sight, worry overcoming his entire being. Maria was way too fragile for this, while her personality proved she had more strength than many of his high-class friends, physically she was definitely not up for this. She was fit, pretty too, but he would only later realize that this was the first time he had seen her with her full strength back and it had surprised him. First it was the long months of recovery from the car accident that nearly took her life, which, unfortunately, also threatened her pregnancy. And the two combined had Maria very weak and needing medical attention after giving birth. Her body had gone through physical changes as well as severe injuries which took a very long time to heal. Thus, naturally worried, Ben was also speechless at first.
"Maria." He called out her name, completely unaware of the Captain's disapproving frown.
Maria, on the other hand, quickly looked down, surprised to find two more people staring up at her.
"Good morning." She greeted them with a smile and her voice attracted Felix's attention, too. The little boy immediately pointed to her with one tiny hand and Maria's smile brightened upon the sight of his face. Her eyes then shifted to the very man who was holding him and the resemblance was haunting. Her eyes locked with the Captain's as she continued staring, the reality of recent events not hitting her as unprepared this time. That she still didn't know how to deal was another matter.
"Maria, stay right there. I'll come and get you!" Ben instructed her and judging by his movements he was ready to do just that.
"No." Maria protested. "I'll manage."
"Stay right there!" Ben ignored her. As much as it irritated the Captain to have another man worry for Maria, and as much as he was displeased with her so high up on the tree himself, common sense had always been his forte –when not grieving, that is. And yet, before he could have snapped, it was his own daughter who stated the obvious.
"It doesn't look like she's having trouble."
"But…"
"I'm alright Ben." Maria reassured him. To Ben's dismay, but Brigitta's delight, Maria climbed higher and finally snatched the book before beginning to make her way down. That neither of his company was surprised or even appalled by Maria's actions wasn't lost on Ben. But all the questions that this conclusion brought were pushed aside, his main focus was Maria. He had spent the last two and a half years with her, aside from his feelings, he knew very well what she had been through. The last thing she needed was getting hurt yet again.
As for the Captain, it took him a great deal to stay quiet. He very much wanted to take control of the situation, to tell Herr Reinhard to mind his own business and to remind Maria it was dangerous what she was doing. And yet, not only was he well aware of his wife's antics -- the very things that made her so unique--, but he actually had to remind himself this woman was not his wife. If anything, this woman belonged to Herr Reinhard. The familiar deep loss crept into his heart again. He was certain now that life loved torturing him and this was just another one of its cruel games. Then Felix moved in his arms and he turned his head to look at his youngest son. Letting go may be the best for all of them but a look in his son's eyes made it sound like the hardest thing he ever had to do. If that was what made Maria happy, he would let her go. Truth was, Maria, his Maria, was apparently long gone anyway, regardless of the memories her tree climbing brought. She could sing and she could climb trees but none of that would bring her feelings back.
He yet had to see the slightest flicker of recognition in her eyes and seeing none of it hurt the most. Of course all his feelings were carefully hidden under the façade of a strong and confident former sea Captain, current Lodge owner. It was only his children who could tell he was grieving, poor things have been through this before. But Maria? She had no idea. How could she?
So the Captain, as he watched Ben reach up and take her in his arms while helping her down from the tree, decided it was best Maria never got to see more of him. His life was full of grief, bitterness and mistakes he had made while dealing with his losses. If he had one regret and if there was one thing he would have loved to change about himself, then it was not to shut out the children. He did try his best to handle it better this time, he truly did. But his own survival demanded the hardness that he needed to deal with the loss best. And yet, looking at Felix, all he could think of was the happiness he had with Maria. While the same sentiments regarding Agathe had initially drawn an unfavourable reaction towards his seven other children, with Felix he welcomed the reminder, as painful as it was. He was like a last glimmer of hope. Because truth be told, only NOW did the Captain realize that even with Agathe's death, he still had seven wonderful children who were her legacy, a part of her he would never lose. And yet he nearly did. They forgave him, in fact had grown accustomed to his copying mechanism. So why was Felix different? Why did he not want him to stop reminding him of Maria as he wanted when he had lost Agathe? The answer came as soon as the little boy extended his hands towards his mother who gladly took him from the Captain. It was because Maria was still alive. But was it worth holding on to that tiniest glimmer of hope that there was still a chance to get their old happiness back?
Maria's polite smile and excuse that she needed to get Felix his breakfast answered that. While Brigitta happily clutched her book in her hand, Herr Reinhard looked relieved that Maria was unharmed and then Maria herself departed with Felix in his arms, the Captain knew it was no use. Gone was the happy smile and love shining through her eyes when she looked at him. She wasn't even angry with him. He was just a stranger to her. The answer to his own question, as much as he hated it, was clear. It was no use.
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Barely into the afternoon, Maria sat in the garden of the lodge, enjoying a moment of peace again. The day had been just as nice as the morning, the fresh air and nature surrounding her breathed new life into her. At least that was definitely how she felt. Desperately needing a little time alone to sort out her disappointment regarding her lack of memories, and her feelings in general, Maria sat on a comfortable bench, listening to the birds sing. She felt guilty for needing to be away from Ben, who not only had feelings for her but to whom she owed her life. But if there was one thing she couldn't go on with then it was being dishonest with him. Or, at least, she did not want him to feel that she was dishonest with him. As much as she would have liked to curl up in his arms and draw the support he was always ready to give, she couldn't bear the thought of misleading him. That she loved him was not a question. But was she in love with him? She had been, she was certain of that. Once.
Maria was so lost in her thoughts that at first she didn't even realize the shadow looming over her, blocking the sun that was previously warming her face. Upon sensing someone's presence, she looked up, finding none other than…
"Louisa." The young girl, or lady rather, stared at her with an expression that Maria found just as enigmatic as her father's.
Maria's words were more of a statement than a question, however her surprise could have made it sound uncertain, for Louisa nodded in confirmation. The blonde girl made a slow circle around the woman she had grown to love, the woman whose loss brought such painful feelings she never wished to feel again, before coming to a stop right in front of her.
Maria sensed the hesitation and the curiosity and smiled reassuringly, hoping it would ease the awkwardness for both of them. Getting along with the children she had interacted with already didn't particularly feel difficult, but those were the young ones. Louisa looked at her different - understandably.
Maria held the girl's gaze but was puzzled to find no particular reaction. Instead, Louisa continued to stare at her, her curiosity, as much as she tried to mask it, was obvious but there was a mixture of scrutiny and caution in her eyes. Yes, definitely like her father. Maria found it extremely difficult to read the young girl, especially so since there was an unexplainable need within her to get along with these children. Maybe it was the fact that apparently she had once been their Mother… or maybe it was something more. That she still didn't remember them made all this even more puzzling. Eventually Maria concluded she wanted to avoid inflicting any kind of pain on them. Yet Louisa wasn't jumping in her neck right now, asking a hundred questions and probing to see if there was just the memory of her.
"Would you like to sit?" Maria asked in her need to break the silence, and motioned to the empty space beside her on the bench. Louisa seemed to give it a thought, a little more than someone should think about when it's their supposed-to-be Mother asking the question, but Maria wasn't surprised. She must have been as much of a stranger to the children as they were to her. And Louisa, who was nearly an adult by now, was more precautious. The girl finally moved and took a seat beside Maria.
"Why did you grow your hair long?" Louisa's question surprised her, not only did it come out of left field but was a question not easy to answer. Adults usually bought her answer when she blamed it on fashion and style, the way Louisa got straight to the point suggested she knew more about her than to believe the standard answer. Still, Maria wasn't ready to bare her soul.
"I like it this way." She smiled. She got no response which was a little unsettling. "Where are your brothers and sisters? It's such a beautiful day, too beautiful to spend it inside." Maria spoke again, trying to strike a conversation.
Louisa shrugged. "I don't know, they are probably playing silly games somewhere." Then, she casually added. "I'm the oldest, I don't play anymore."
"I thought Liesl was the oldest." Maria quickly replied. Louisa's eyes turned to her, aside from mischief, a hint of satisfaction reflected in them, too. Was she testing her? The expression was gone as soon as it came and an almost stoic mask engulfed the girl's face.
The silence that settled again was uncomfortable and Maria was at a loss for words. Her mind was reeling to come up with a topic that could help her find a way to this enigmatic young girl next to her when Louisa broke the silence.
"I wish you remembered." Even without being aware how much it took Louisa to say such a thing, Maria was touched. She felt endeared but the sadness and frustration weren't far behind this time either.
"Me too." She answered honestly. She desperately tried to come up with something to lighten the mood. "Would you like to do something? Something… we used to do. Together."
"You used to play on your guitar and sing for us."
"Oh?" Yet another, although unsurprising, information. "Oh… I… I didn't bring my guitar."
"That's fine, we have one." And before Maria could have reacted, Louisa bolted from her seat and disappeared from sight, most probably to get the guitar.
But Louisa brought more than said instrument along when she returned. Maria was surprised but also amused to see Kurt and Friedrich tagging along, too. She didn't mind. Despite her heartache over not remembering them, the von Trapp children seemed to bring some peace to her soul when in their company.
"Would you sing for us, please?" The oldest boy, Friedrich asked. His voice was somewhat deep, his posture and manners reflected that of a responsible young man, yet there was a boyish longing in his eyes that made it impossible for her to say no.
With a smile she nodded and accepted the guitar that he offered and she got comfortable as the youngsters settled down in front of her. Her peaceful afternoon that she had felt she needed to spend alone now seemed out of reach but it didn't trouble her. Her thoughts did regularly return to Felix, as a mother it was natural to wonder about her child. The little boy was having his late afternoon nap and despite her troubled feelings for Ben, she knew she could trust him with her son.
Trouble was that yet again, Maria failed to remember. Opting not to shed even more light on this already obvious fact, instead of asking them for a song, Maria felt she had the right one for the occasion.
"Smile away each rainy day, and laugh away your blues. Be like old Mr. Noah, when it starts to pour. Make fun of trouble, although you're seeing double…"
The words were appropriate and Maria's face lit up when the children indeed smiled and seemed entertained. From one minute to another, they didn't seem a day older than Gretl or Marta so Maria continued to sing and play, making them all forget about whatever was troubling their minds. It was an interesting thought that this visit was liberating and that while it was far from his intentions and expectations, Ben couldn't have chosen a better place. She still needed to come to terms with what she was feeling but one thing was certain, New York never gave her as much joy as this place.
"Father!" Kurt's voice grabbed Maria's attention and she stopped singing and playing at once, turning to the very figure standing right behind her.
"It's dinner time." The Captain announced, seemingly devoid of much emotion. His authorative figure and the commanding look in his eyes left no place for argument.
"Wonderful! I'm starving." Kurt announced and was the first to stand, while the two other von Trapp children followed – albeit reluctantly. As soon as they left, Maria found herself alone again with the Captain. Not for the first time, she felt awkward. This dashingly handsome former sea captain was nothing and everything to her at the same time. She found it difficult to handle. She had no idea how long had he been standing there, but if Louisa's gaze was unsettling beforehand, then the Captain's was downright dissecting.
Yet there was a cold sort of distance in his posture, too. The warmth and genuine joy of seeing his wife was somehow missing from his eyes now. Was he disappointed she didn't remember him? Was he angry with her for not remembering? Was he just stressed that his long lost wife was suddenly back in his life? Or was she being too sensitive over trying to figure how her – or his—emotions should be working? The Captain was somewhat of a puzzle for Maria. While he had initially made her uncomfortable with the proximity that was natural for him as her husband, he was now giving her a new kind of discomfort with the looks and exact opposite behaviour. And she wasn't sure why the change in his demeanour and lack of attempts to get close to her felt so troubling.
"I hope the children didn't disturb your peace." He spoke very formally. A part of her was grateful for the Captain not pushing intimacy and giving her space and time to comprehend all the information he had given her. He didn't try to get close to her, didn't want to talk or to question her. While all that should have left her feeling grateful, on the other hand it was truly confusing. He was the father of her child, why wasn't he demanding? Did they have marriage troubles before tragedy struck? Why wasn't he fighting tooth and nail for her to show the slightest clue of memories?
"Of course they didn't. How could they?" Maria finally responded.
"They've been known to get in the way of other guests, too. They can be horribly underfoot." He replied casually.
Other guests? Is that what she was, a guest? Hurt wasn't necessarily the feeling his statement awoke but it certainly added to her confusion as to where she stood with this man.
"No. They've been charming." Maria answered curtly and rose from her seat, her defence mechanism prompting her to adjust to his demeanour and adopt a similar attitude. Serious. Guarded.
"Excellent." The Captain concluded. To say he was having an enormous inner struggle was an understatement. It was hard to treat her like a different woman if she continued to act like his Maria. But she wasn't. His Maria would have let him touch her, his Maria wouldn't have withdrawn and wouldn't have looked at him like a stranger. No. His wife would challenge him, smile at him and he wouldn't be feeling this incredible longing and distance mere inches away from her.
"Mother? Will you join us for dinner?" The two adults turned, surprised to find Gretl stand before them.
"Gretl." The Captain warned gently. His children had dinner before it was served to the guests, his youngest should know that. And as much as he would have wanted Maria to join them… she wasn't a part of their family anymore. At least telling himself that, as painful as it was, was supposed to aid him in going along with his plan: letting go. "You're well aware that our guests dine later."
"But she isn't a guest. She's our Mother." Gretl argued, if the situation wasn't uncomfortable enough, she was quickly turning it awkward. Unfortunately Gretl chose the wrong time to be insistent. The Captain didn't blame her, she was merely a child, yet his already battered patience was wearing thin.
"Gretl…"
"That's quite alright." Maria interrupted, picking up on the child's oblivion. "I will check on Felix and then join you." She smiled, as confused as she was about her own family, she realized it had to be even harder on the children.
"My children are, or should be, accustomed to our habits and decorum. Gretl, go and join the others, you are running late for your dinner." There was absolutely no doubt left in Maria just what a great sea captain he once was. His tone and speech radiated confidence and order, as well as expectation of obedience. Still, Maria found it a little too strict when it came to children.
Gretl, with clear disappointment on her face, gave her father a disapproving look but did as she was told. As for Maria, she felt guilty.
"But…" She began, feeling for the child. "It's really not a problem." She told the Captain with a frown. She had no idea what it was that she said that had hit a nerve with the Captain, for his following reaction wasn't to her liking.
"You will kindly remember that there are certain rules in this house that are to be followed." He snapped.
And there it was… out of the blue, catching her completely off guard, the image of a stern looking Captain von Trapp, very much like now, flashed before her eyes…
"In the future, you will kindly remember there are certain rooms in this house that are not to be disturbed."
To Be Continued…
