Disclaimer: I do not own Elder Scrolls: Oblivion and its characters. Bethesda Studios does.
The Adoring Fan Tries Skooma
Grand Champion Shadowstep had been acting a little shady as of late, and his sidekick, the Adoring Fan, had grown more than worried for him. As they were passing through Bravil one evening, the Adoring Fan asked, "Sir, I've noticed lately that you've been acting a little strange. You run off in the middle of the night and then return, loopy as a drunken goblin, with guards crying your name. Do you have a bounty on your head, sir?"
Shadowstep, clad in his dark leather armor, stopped and turned to his fan. Bending over slightly, he began coughing and wheezing with possibly the worst acting skills ever. The Adoring Fan still fell for it.
"I—I am very, very sick, but I wish not to cause you worry. My priorities far outweigh my need of good health, but the guards—the guards care so much about me that they wish to find me and throw me to nearest healer."
The fan put his hands on his cheeks. "Oh my goodness! Is there anything I can do, oh gracious and godly Shadowstep?"
Standing upright, the Grand Champion smiled. "Ah, yes. You can get me some—er—medicine. Yes, medicine."
"Where do I get it?"
Shadowstep slid next to his fan and pointed to a beaten split-level house down the road. He whispered, "You see that house on the end? The bottom is Carandial's house, but the top is a very special apothecary, the only place that holds my cure. But be warned, though, there are many sick people inside drinking the medicine. I suggest taking some of it yourself to ensure you have not contracted my disease, also."
The Adoring Fan saluted him. "By Azura, I'll make you well again! My life would have no purpose if I had no feet to kiss, no famous backs to rub, no ground to worship."
"Uh, I appreciate your devotion to me," Shadowstep said, suddenly twitching. "But please, return quickly. My withdrawal—I mean, my sickness is worsening."
"You got it!" The Adoring Fan ran off. Once the Bosmer made it to the "apothecary," a metal slat slid open in its front door.
"What're you here for?" A female Breton asked through the small hole.
"I'm here on behalf of the Grand Champion Shadowstep. He needs medicine for his sickness."
"Ah, his sickness, eh? Come, come right on in, dearie."
The door swung open to reveal a band of paupers chugging down bottle after bottle of their "medicine." The Breton woman smiled at the fan. "Hallo, I'm Roxanne Brigette. I help the boys. They get a little squirrelly sometimes, find it hard to cope. So I help out."
The Adoring Fan nodded politely. "Well, my name is—"
"We can worry about proper introductions later. Your friend needs a cure first."
Roxanne led him to a large chest in the corner. "How much do you need?"
"Well, enough to cure my hero. I would like some, too."
"Oh, he wants a buddy, I see. Well, you should take some right now, just to make sure you don't have any adverse effects from the stuff." Roxanne opened the chest and handed him a shiny pink bottle.
"Golly, you're the best!" And he sipped the medicine.
The instant the potion touched his tongue, the room melted, and the lovely taste of sweet cake filled his mouth. After taking another swig, he stumbled forward. His eyes wandered the room in a daze. The smelly, ugly paupers' clothing morphed into extravagant gowns, and the creaky wooden room became a beautiful dining hall. The nobility-turned peasants stood around a floating dinner table that glimmered with encrusted diamonds. The Adoring Fan joined the party guests as brown bears in sack cloth pants served a meal of Rat Ragu and Powdered Deer Parts. [A/N: If you've played Oblivion, you know what "parts" I'm taking about.]
"Why, thank you, kind woodland being," The Adoring Fan said. The bears laughed, sprouted tentacles and wings, and left to start licking rainbows onto the walls. The Adoring Fan looked down to his delicious-smelling food. Licking his lips, he grabbed a fork and shoveled the Rat Ragu into his mouth. With each bite, the food grew colder and clammier until it looked just like uncooked meat—with the skin still on it! Eventually, he pushed the plate away and refused to eat any more. A glittering boar danced into the room twirling shimmering streamers. The hairy pig approached the Adoring Fan and snorted up his plate and food.
The fan patted the animal on the head. "Oh, good show! More! More!"
The dazzling creature hugged him and melted into rainbow-colored slime that tickled his tummy oh so gently. "Hee-hee!"
The party guests, their eyes now flashing with black-and-white swirls, watched him from across the table. The rainbow slime crawled up the Adoring Fan and made him sparkle more brilliantly than a self-centered vampire. The fan jumped to his feet and started dancing. Singing flowers and talking mushrooms grew from the floor as he leaped and pirouetted about the dining hall. The mushrooms followed him to the door leading to the balcony. The Adoring Fan threw the door open and continued his jig until he fell through the fine marble floor.
Warped faces and undulating colors enveloped him until he landed safely on his feet near a path paved with cows. More than curious of where the trail went, the Adoring Fan skipped along, the ground mooing at him with each step.
A beautiful, shapely woman, clad in delicate silver and yellow silk, floated into his view. Her image appeared as if it was imprinted on a thin mist. Squinting slightly, the Adoring Fan used his wits to reach out, grab her hand, and stroke it. He kissed it lightly. She giggled flirtatiously and began chasing him. He turned and ran, laughing with her as the cows groaned beneath them. Droves of women—all perfect copies of his pursuer—appeared from nowhere and joined in the hunt.
"Come back here!" They cried, reaching out for him. The Adoring Fan reveled in the fun until he came to an impenetrable grove of pink and blue trees. Since the last thing he wanted was to stop this pursuit, he jumped up into the twisting branches and clambered higher and higher.
One of the women below threw a fat slaughterfish at his back. The fish's sheer size knocked the Adoring fan from the tree, and he fell into the cheering women's arms.
"Meet the Nine Divines, scum!"
The instant the potion touched his tongue, the room started to melt, and the lovely taste of sweet cake filled his mouth. The Adoring Fan stumbled forward after taking another swig. His eyes wandered the room in a daze. A few of the Skooma addicts nearby gave him an odd look as he sat on the floor, gnawed on his foot, and spoke to invisible bears. Reistr the Rotted walked over to the fan and crouched down next to him. In his stupor, the Adoring Fan bashed him over the head with his bottle of Skooma, killing him. Blood rolled down Reistr's head, and the Adoring Fan dropped his drug, saying, "Oh, good show! More! More!" He hugged the man, and the sticky red liquid covered him. The Adoring jumped about as if someone was tickling him. "Hee-hee!"
Each Skooma addict stared at the Adoring fan in wide-eyed horror. The Bosmer watched them for a moment, then dropped the body and started dancing around the room, leaving bloody footprints in his wake. Much to the addicts' relief, the Adoring Fan pranced out the door and jumped right off the stairs. A city guard nearby watched the fan fall two stories, get right back up, and skip about the town. He decided to investigate. The guard, dressed in his silver and yellow uniform, stepped in front of the loopy elf. The Adoring Fan took the guard's hand, pulled off the gauntlet, and bit his finger off. The guard shouted in pain and called for help as he chased the fan through the shadow-filled streets of Bravil. More guards and joined him in the chase, and eventually, they backed the fan into the city wall.
"We've got him now," The wounded guard sneered. To his surprise, the laughing fan just turned and crawled up the wall. Another guard pulled out a bow and arrow and shot the Adoring Fan sqaure in the back. The Bosmer paused, flinching, and fell to the ground. The cheering Bravil guards approached the body.
"Meet the Nine Divines, scum!"
I am sad to say, my friends, that our devoted, hard-to-fool, peaceful Adoring Fan did meet the Nine Divines that night...and Shadowstep still got his "medicine," and he hoped that one day he would have as great of a high as his fan did.
THE END.
Next Time…
The Adoring Fan Makes Friends with Glarthir
