Hey again!!! Thought that i might be nice to the few people who like this story (sorry Demetra i couldnt help it, it's too much fun to write).

Disclaimer: For some weird reason after reading the Time Paradox again the other day, my name wasn't on the cover; some other guy's was. D'Arvit! Chapter Nine


The next morning was Christmas eve, Artemis awoke, a feeling of dread settling over him as he remembered the 'romantic' dinner that Juliet had organised for him and Holly. He had been to many 'romantic' restaurants with his family but this was different. He was living the romance instead of watching it, and it scared him a bit. The thought, the feeling, everything about it was different to anything he had felt before. For the first time im his life, Artemis Fowl had trouble sorting out his thoughts. So many of these thoughts had been nagging him since the latest escapade and now he tried to sort them into the boxes in his mind. He meditated for a full hour sorting out these thoughts before he realised that he couldn't skive out of everything, so he wandered downstairs and into the dinning room.

Holly sat silently by herself on the dinning room table, staring out the window. Her eyes shined like stars and her hair which was slightly longer was pulled back off her face in a small ponytail. Artemis followed her line of vision to see what she was staring at. It took him a while to notice but when he had, he smiled. The oak tree. The Fowls had an old oak tree just in view from the dinning room. He sat down on the table beside Holly who was so wrapped up in her day dream that she didn't notice him.

The oak tree glimmered in the midmorning light. Snow settling on it's boughs, some slipping off the tree and onto the ground like a waterfall. Artemis was soon also transfixed by the picture before him. It looked magical, the way that the snow lay on the branches and cascaded off in a graceful arch.

Butler was doing his rounds of the house. He had awoken at six o'clock that morning and had had breakfast so that he could start early. Now it was ten o'clock and he was finally getting to the 'lived in' parts of the house.

He walked past Mr and Mrs Fowl in the library, both were reading and had a cup of coffee. Butler didn't disturb them; he just carried on through the house until he came to the twins in the playroom. The small blond haired boys were lying on their stomachs drawing with crayons. Butler decided that he better not get involved as he did not particularly like drawing and the twins had a way that they managed to get what they wanted. Almost like the Mesmer, thought the manservant.

He walked past the fitness centre where Juliet was working out on the treadmill and then past the kitchen where Mulch was eating (no surprises there) and Foaly was drinking his carrot juice and rubbing on some foot moisturiser. Butler continued having already felt the tension in the room. That was when he got to the dinning room.

He had expected to find Artemis and Holly together somewhere, and here they were- the perfect image. But he decided that they one: shouldn't be sitting on the table as Mrs Fowl liked to keep her tables clean, and two: he needed to talk to Master Artemis. Neither noticed him walking through the door, neither responded when he cleared his throat, neither averted their eyes when he started the blender and the microwave at the same time but neither were happy when he shut the Venetian blinds over the window that they were staring out of. Artemis's eyes shot to look at his bodyguard and Holly glared at the manservant as if her gaze would kill him. Butler shrugged his shoulders uncomfortably, it was a mistake to disturb them but Mrs Fowl had said that tables were for glasses not…

"Butler, may I ask why you disturbed us from our pleasant day dream?" asked the always calm Irish genius.

"Because Mrs Fowl does not like to get the tables dirty and I would like to speak to you, Artemis about some private matters," answered Butler. Both he and Artemis looked at Holly who threw her arms up into the air dramatically.

"Fine I'll go," she surrendered walking out of the room in a huff. Artemis raised his eyebrows and turned to Butler.

"Is what you are about to speak to me about tonight? Because if it isn't I would like some advice in that area," he mumbled the last bit. Butler grinned, Artemis needing help? This was a first.

"You are correct; I thought you might need some help as this is your first time on a date," Butler winked at his principal. "Is there anything you want to ask me about?" he started. Artemis thought for a moment trying to find the best way to ask it.

"Well, er…" started Artemis completely lost with how to ask this simple question. He took a deep breath-preparing himself, he opened his mouth to speak but no words came. Butler looked at him sympathetically.

"You have no idea what to do, do you?" he asked softly, staring at the boy out of his unusually soft grey eyes. Artemis shook his head miserably.

"This is all new to me Butler!" he said, "I have no idea what to do!" Butler was about to answer when a thought crossed his mind.

"Er…wait just a second Artemis, I think that there is someone slightly more suited to this talk- don't worry I'll be with you the whole time," Butler winked and left the bewildered boy praying with all his heart that it wasn't Juliet. That girl could shatter his icy composure like no one else.

His prayers were answered when Butler walked back into the room with Artemis senior. Artemis II let out a sigh of relief. No need to be worried. But he was wrong. Dead wrong. A historical moment happening right there in the Fowl's dinning room. Artemis Fowl II was wrong, not for the first time, but undoubtedly wrong.

Artemis senior sat across the table from his son. His face unreadable but gentle all the same.

"Now, I heard you needed some advice young man," he stated looking the boy up and down. Butler took up his position at Artemis junior's side watching with a hint of a smile playing on his lips.

"Yes Father-Dad, I do," Artemis surrendered wondering what was coming next.

"Well I will start from the beginning. What will you wear?" he asked. Artemis II shrugged his shoulders.

"A suit?" he asked. Artemis I rolled his eyes.

"No, no, the thing that you need to do is find an outfit that she's never seen you in before, perhaps a tuxedo?" Artemis junior nodded satisfied.

"Yes I think that will be…"

"A pair of jeans and a nice t-shirt," his father continued. Artemis junior inwardly panicked, it was worse enough wearing 'it' at home without ruining his public reputation.

"No Dad, you will find that she has seen me in jeans," he said calmly. Artemis senior didn't look put off at all.

"Maybe a pair of shorts or something then," he said. Artemis II groaned.

"It is a romantic dinner Father, I think a tuxedo will do fine," he said. Artemis I gave in.

"OK, fine you wear a tuxedo, but I choose the colour of the bow tie," he put on the trademark Fowl vampire grin. Artemis junior's stomach did somersaults. This was going to be a long day. After finally deciding on the colour of his son's tie (which pretty much matched the colour of his face), Artemis senior started his very embarrassing 'talk' with the poor teenage boy. Artemis II was lost for words staring at his father in shock.

"I have to do that?" he asked pointing at the movie that his father had turned on. It involved a lot of flirting but it was a particular move that had thrown him. His father nodded seriously.

"Yes the girls love it," he said replaying the scene. Artemis Junior watched in shock as the male kissed the girl in front of everybody in the restaurant and still managed to proceed calmly.

"But elfin girls may be different Father, I don't think that Holly would like that sort of thing."

"Nonsense, now onto romantic moments." Artemis II was aghast.

"That wasn't romantic enough?" he asked incredulously. Did his father really know what he was talking about? Or was he setting him up to embarrass him in public? Artemis senior chortled.

"No, definitely not, you need the imagery," he said making a gesture with his hands when he said imagery that Artemis wasn't familiar with.

"Imagery?" he asked.

"Oh yes, you need to take her out in the moon light and find a place that means something to both of you," Artemis senior said, interested to hear of a such a place.

"Tara," Artemis junior murmured under his breath. It wasn't loud enough for his father to hear, but was certainly loud enough for Butler to.

"Pardon?"

"Tara, the most magical place on the earth, a hotspot and a shuttle port. Also the place where quite a few of our adventures have taken place," said Artemis II said with the same calmness as before.

"Perfect!" said Artemis I joyfully. "Now there are the transport issues…"

The talk took up a full four hours of Artemis's busy life which didn't make him very happy, he was even less so because he had spent most of the time a deep shade of pink. They only had just finished when Juliet broke into the room having finally heard of what they were up to. Artemis senior had very convincingly told her that he was just wrapping up and that he had definitely covered everything. Juliet was disappointed but wanted to find out all the details which Artemis II told her with very little enthusiasm. Juliet finally left the poor boy to his thoughts while she looked over the 'guest room' photos again in glee.

Artemis then decided that it was now time to seek his girl friend. He found Holly in her room reading the book that she had been forced to leave the night before. Artemis wasn't sure how to start a conversation so he pulled the chair from beside the bed to sit next to her.

"What are you reading?" he finally managed, after she didn't notice him. Holly jumped about a foot in the air, and then turned to face Artemis.

"Boy, Artemis you gave me a fright."

"Sorry." Though he didn't sound sorry. Holly rolled her eyes.

"I'm rereading the sixth Harry Potter book, to answer your question," she said, turning back to the book which she was at least halfway through. Artemis smiled. Harry Potter, who would have thought?

"Well, now that my Father has stopped terrorising me I was wondering whether you wanted to do something. You know something cool," the words tumbled out of his mouth before he could stop them. He mentally slapped himself. He sounded like an imbecile.

"Er, OK then," said Holly uncertainly, putting a book mark into her book. "What did you have in mind?" Artemis shrugged his shoulders.

"I'm not sure, we could, er no I'm really not sure." Holly stared at him for a second.

"Your Father gave you a really hard time didn't he?" she asked. Artemis cursed himself inwardly, was he always that readable?

"Er yeah I suppose so," he mumbled. Holly patted him reassuringly on the arm.

"You just be yourself mudboy, I don't mind at all," she said. Artemis looked at her quickly.

"You sure?"

"I'm sure."

"Thank Frond! He made it seem like you would dump me or something if I didn't do what he said. Anyway, what should I wear? He told me to wear a tuxedo with a bright pink bowtie." Artemis shuddered. Holly laughed.

"You can wear it if you want, or wear a suit I really don't mind. Don't listen to a word your Father says unless you agree with it. As I said before I don't want you to pretend to be anyone one else, I want you to be yourself. At least when you're around me, you can do that icy thing to Opal whenever you want but I am not going to fall for it again. I now know that it is just an act and when you open up you can actually be a nice person and surprisingly a different person all together," she said. Artemis grinned.

"Why thank you. Originally the icy composure thing was actually me when my father went missing. I was torn between wanting to sit down a bawl my eyes out and following the family motto 'Aurum Potestas Est.'

Unfortunately with Mother heading towards a mental break down and no one except for Butler and Juliet who at the time were only employees, I didn't have anyone to tell me that I was ten and that I was Ok to cry. The other problem was that I was trying to keep the Fowl finances in order which was easy enough. But I needed more money. Then I woke up one morning, the morning after fighting my older self not remembering what happened. Then I remembered that it was something to do with fairies. And that my dear, is how everything started." It was a long speech, even for Artemis. And it proved to be a shock to Holly who hadn't really heard about Artemis's personal life before he kidnapped her.

Artemis smiled at her, reminding her that it was her turn to speak.

"Well, I don't think I can match that, or even get close. But here goes. Once upon a time there was a small elf called Holly Short, who always dreamed of being part of the recon unit in the LEP. Holly was one centre metre short for her age and had hazel eyes. (All elves have red hair so there is no point mentioning it) Holly's favourite class at school was PE, causing her parents to despair. Her mother, Coral Short was an environmentalist and it wasn't till she was killed by humans that Holly really appreciated what Coral did for her, but then it was too late," Holly stopped for a sniff, then pulled herself together, "Well, she died while Holly was at the academy working towards recon and Father shortly (no pun intended) followed.

Holly had finally got her dream job and tried hard not to let her parents deaths cause her performance to slacken. Holly's great commander Julius Root helped Holly get over her parents deaths by letting her go to the surface more often. And the way she thanked him was Hamburg.

"Holly had just a simple recon- one of her perps went up on the surface and tried to get peace with the mud men. And when Holly went up and tried to get into the building, her omnitool wasn't on her moon belt. Talk about disaster. Commander Root had to stop time, call in a LEPretrieval squad and do four mind wipes. So much for Holly's perfect record. Julius, afterwards was very wary about letting her stay on and one morning she arrived to work about a minute late and Root had 'the talk'. He said that she had to be the very best that she could and that he would have to demote her to traffic. Holly begged for one more chance, Root looked about to disagree when a call came in saying that there was a rogue troll in Italy. He told her that that was her chance and asked her whether she was running hot. She lied and said that she was, though she hadn't done the ritual for four years. On the recon mission, Holly disobeyed a direct order and went to try and battle the troll herself, using a cry for help as an invitation. Of course something went wrong, her shield wouldn't work but she managed to knock out everybody, mudmen and the troll. She also fell unconscious and woke up to find Root bending over her asking her what happened to her shield. She then told him the truth and he blew up in her face, telling her to do it right then. She went up to a hot spot in Ireland, not Tara because of the hippies that go there at full moon, but to one of the slightly smaller ones. When she was about to bury the acorn two humans turned up behind her, knocked her out and abducted her for ransom. And you know how the rest goes," Holly sat for a moment, thoughts reeling through her brain. Artemis smiled warmly at her. He seemed to be doing it a lot nowadays. Holly looked up and smiled at him knowing that everything was now OK.

"That was the first time you have told anyone the whole story isn't it?" he asked. Holly nodded.

"It feels better now that I have it off my chest," she said. Artemis looked at his clock.

"D'Arvit!" he cried "it's six; Juliet reserved a seat for us at six thirty! See you in a bit, if Juliet ever lets us go," he said, dashing out the door and into his room. Holly was left to ponder what to wear. She flicked through her wardrobe, looking at the two dresses that she had brought. She certainly wasn't the sort to wear one so she decided against it and flicked around in the wardrobe some more. If you were standing in her room you would have her muffled swearing and then a very loud 'ah ha!' as she found what she was looking for. She pulled herself out of the wardrobe holding a skirt.

"Mmmn, now which top?" she wondered. She again walked into the wardrobe, If you were still standing in her room you would have thought that she had disappeared into Narnia. But she resurfaced a few minutes later holding a black top with the word 'DANCE' written in lime green across the chest. The white skirt that she had pulled out had the same green on the band around the waist, bordering the edge and the colour of the medium sized spots all over it. When Holly had pulled it on, she was surprised to find that she didn't actually look that bad. The skirt finished around her knees and the black singlet with 'DANCE' on complimented it quite well. She was just about to put her green converses on, when she heard a dramatic 'no!' behind her. She turned to see Juliet standing in the doorway with her hand over her mouth in utter shock.

"What?" Holly asked. Juliet came closer, slowly as if Holly was going to attack her.

"You can't wear converses with a skirt!" Juliet exclaimed. "Here let me help you," she said. Holly's eyes widened.

"And why can't I?" she asked indignantly.

"You just can't," said Juliet, "You need to wear some flats, preferably green." She started to grope around Holly's wardrobe. Holly knew when a battle was lost, so watched in despair as Juliet pulled out a pair of skimpy flip flops.

"No way on the surface am I wearing those," said Holly, backing away from the wrestler. But that was the word 'wrestler'. Juliet sighed, and surprisingly went back into the wardrobe and brought out a simple pair of green flip flops that had black and white gems sewed onto the straps. Holly moved closer and put them onto her feet. Juliet smiled.

"That's my girl. Now, it is winter, the house is warm and outside is cold, so you will need a nice thick coat. How about a white one that you can pull off when you get there?" she didn't wait for Holly's answer. She just pulled it out of her cupboard and put it on Holly.

"Yes, perfect." She pulled it off and lay it on the bed. "Now, for makeup, I'm thinking glitter green," she said, pulling a makeup bag out of the bathroom and attempted to start putting makeup on Holly.

"No way," said Holly, edging away from Juliet. "I have never worn makeup and I never plan to." Juliet was astonished by this confession.

"Never. Worn. Makeup?" she asked, surprised. "Well, that's going to change," she added cheerfully. Juliet brandished the eyeliner, walking towards Holly slowly.

OOO

Artemis meanwhile was having an extremely difficult time deciding whether to wear what his father had told him or do what Holly said and wear what ever was comfortable. He heard some very disconcerting noises coming from Holly's room and it took all his courage not to go and see that she was ok. She would be fine, he kept telling himself, she was a police officer.

"Now, what to wear?" he wondered, entering his walk-in wardrobe. He shuffled round his suits wondering if they were dressy enough for a date. He smiled as he selected his favourite tie from the rack. It was what the twins had got for him from New Zealand; it was an All Blacks tie. For those who haven't heard of the All Blacks, they are the New Zealand rugby team and although they didn't win the most recent world cup, they are still considered one of the best rugby teams in the world. Artemis had, of course heard of the All Blacks and had even gone to watch them when he went to New Zealand. Obviously Artemis wasn't one to watch sport, but this was different. He was in a guest box eating caviar and even got to meet the players afterwards, much to his disgust.

Artemis put on a white shirt and tightened the black and silver tie around his neck, he was already wearing a pair of black Armani pants and Gucci loafers so all was left was pulling on his black Armani suit jacket, which he did.

Artemis walked out his room and wandered over to Holly's, Juliet had just closed the door again and was heading to the dining room. She flashed him a smile before heading off on her course. Artemis knocked on the door to the beat of 'Life On Mars' by David Bowie, his favourite song at the time. He heard someone yelling 'come in' from with in. He opened the door cautiously.

"Wow."

Holly was cornered and she knew it. She sighed and sat down on the bed. Juliet smiled somewhat evilly.

"There we go," she said. "Now, look up." Juliet then put eye liner on Holly professionally and then sparkly green eye shadow.

"Sparkly green eye shadow never fails," said Juliet. Holly smiled slightly. This wasn't the most pleasant experience to be in and it showed on her face, the slight smile though it seemed, was more a grimace than a smile. But Juliet either didn't see or didn't care as she continued to apply make up to poor Holly's face. Juliet finally finished and stood back to see her masterpiece.

"Lovely," she stated. Holly looked in the mirror on the wall to see what she thought was the ugliest one of them all.

"Urgg," she choked. Juliet cocked her head onto one side.

"Well, Arty will like it," she said, then walked out of the room. Holly looked at herself in the mirror for a few more seconds. She did not like what she saw, so she looked away. She then heard a strange knock pattern on the door.

"Come in," she shouted. The door opened and Artemis looked in. He was looking just like he always did, in an expensive suit and tie. Holly smiled, slightly embarrassed.

"Wow," Artemis finally spluttered. Holly looked down at her feet and subconsciously battered her eyelashes. This of course made Artemis gape the more; he was a hormonal teenager after all.

"So, Mudboy," she said. "What time are we leaving?" Artemis shrugged.

"I would assume that Juliet would come and get us," he said. "Speaking of the devil…" Juliet had come into the room, without knocking.

"Well, are you two ready to go?" she asked. You could nearly see the excitement bubbling up inside her. "Butler will drive you there." She lead the two out of the room, giggling uncontrollably.

Please review!!! i want to know what you guys think.