Disclaimer: I don't own them.

A/N: Please review, the chapter after this one is one of my favorites. If I feel like most of you have read by tonight, I'll post it. Our main characters will meet again in chapter 26, so... :) hehe.


Chapter 23: Cheater

Nearing the end of the year, Catherine started asking me to take Lindsey again… it had been a long time since she'd stayed with me, but of course I was happy to see her, and happy to spend the time. Apparently she and Eddie were fighting again, something about some young singer he was working with a little too personally.

Frankly, I was surprised I hadn't heard something like this sooner, but I held my tongue, and enjoyed spending time with Miss Lindsey Willows, who still liked Disney movies, but more often now preferred board games. She was actually very good at Trouble… she usually beat me.

This continued for over a month, and then in mid-January, I realized I should have been worried about her discovery for far more selfish reasons than I was. I came to this realization when Catherine stormed into my townhouse on my day off—luckily I had forced myself to be motivated and had showered and thrown on jeans and a sweatshirt around mid-day, or she would have been walking in on me in my underwear with greasy, unwashed hair.

Even so, it was an unwelcome intrusion… I always forgot to keep that door locked…

Apparently, she and Eddie had just had another fight about his indiscrepancies—and he had accused her of having an affair with me. When she adamantly denied it, he brought up the incident in the diner, and my threat to pick up the pieces of his life if he wasn't willing to ditch the girl on the side and do it himself. At first I thought she was mad about that—I tried to explain that I hadn't meant I would take his place… I had meant that I would come comfort her and Lindsey, and help them through it.

But no, it wasn't that. She had not considered for a moment that I would do that. I'm not certain if that's a good thing—I didn't want her to think me opportunistic, but it would be nice to be thought of as a man, at least as an afterthought. I didn't want her to want me, just to… humanize me. But that was a lot to ask of a woman whose family was falling apart. I certainly understood that.

No, it was because I hadn't told her—because I'd known for 'two-and-a-half-fucking-years,' as she put it, and I hadn't said anything to her. I'd let her believe that things were okay.

I tried to tell her that I didn't know he'd continued—that there was every possibility that he hadn't, after I'd yelled at him—quite admirably, I had thought. But that wasn't really the point, and we both knew it. She had yelled herself out, and did not even grace my half-assed explanation with a response. Instead, she left, and Lindsey didn't come over anymore.

I heard through talk in the break room that she had left Lindsey with both Nick and Warrick, on separate occasions, though from the sound of it, they didn't know the real reason why. I felt a strange jolt of pride, at this realization—I may have screwed up, but she still trusted me more than them… she was my friend. Really, she and Jim were my only friends… and even if they were the strained sort of half-friendships that eventually inspire a level of care, even without the disclosure, I was happy to have them.

In truth, they were bright spots in an otherwise bleak existence.

And after a few weeks, she talked to me again. Well, she said more than the obligatory case details and scene assessment… We were still strained, but then, we'd always been that way, a little. She had wanted to go to marriage counseling—either it hadn't worked or Eddie hadn't agreed, she didn't tell me either way—and now they were getting a divorce. Awkwardly, I placed an arm around her shoulders, giving her a gentle squeeze, and she seemed to appreciate the effort, at least.

It never necessarily felt awkward, touching Catherine—it just didn't feel like touching a woman. But not like touching a man, either. I would never put my hands on Nick's waist to help him down a steep slope, or out of a truck bed… but there just wasn't the awareness there that usually came with touching any woman, even one you weren't necessarily interested in. It wasn't that she was asexual in my mind—I'm certain, had I met her as a younger man, she would have featured in her share of fantasies—after all, she was smart, sexy, confident… but for some reason, it didn't register.

I wondered, vaguely, if that was Sara's doing, but I was pretty sure Catherine and I had had a comfortable level of non-awareness even before I'd met her.

But then, now was not really the time to wonder why I'd never even wanted to think about this gorgeous woman naked, and I push the thoughts from my mind, and pull her instead into a full hug, which seems to serve better. She holds me tightly, and I wonder if she has anyone away from work to help her get through this.

I almost offer to come over after shift, spend some time with her and Lindsey, just to be there… but I don't. For some reason I find myself shying away from too much camaraderie outside of the lab—I love my team, but the idea of sharing parts of my non-professional life with them, even the least personal aspects…

Just the thought of it gives me an anxious feeling in my gut that does not dwindle with time—instead it increases, until I feel almost nauseous with it, desperate to retreat to my townhome and my solitude and my safety. And so I give Catherine an extra tight squeeze, and tell her I'm still happy to take Lindsey any time… and I make an excuse to leave her to her misery.

…Maybe I really don't deserve her friendship, after all.