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Chapter 27: Lunch
Seeing Sara in my lecture hall had taken the wind from me, and I struggled to speak after that, feeling as though I'd been kicked in the stomach. The force of it was too much to bear, and I admit it, I did everything I could to avoid the painful confrontation, because I'd finally gotten to the point that I only thought about her a few times a day. All of that would come crashing down if I saw her, spoke to her, spent time with her again. …If I kissed her, if we made love… I knew I would be completely lost, and completely destroyed.
But she chased me. Funny, I hadn't pictured Sara as the type of girl who'd chase a man, but then, I didn't know all that much about her—far less than I'd known about some of the women I'd only had first dates with. A part of me wanted her to catch me, to kiss me passionately and take away my choice in the matter—to demand that she needed me and that of course I needed her too… to end my self-imposed punishment.
But I had a head start, and I knew she wouldn't catch me, even when I had to stop and wait to cross a road for traffic. What stopped me was her name being shouted—and the fact that she stopped. I watched her glance down the street, and recognized an older version of the best friend I'd only seen in pictures. Kelly. Of course, Kelly lived in Seattle—had I known that and told myself I didn't, in order to see her here, or had I simply and honestly forgotten?
At the distress in Sara's eyes, I sigh. I'll just have to go explain myself—tell her that I'm sorry, and that I'm truly not still mad, but that the thought of her with someone else when she should have been mine was a disastrously devastating concept, and it would never stop plaguing me if I saw her and talked to her all the time. I move over to her, trying to be gentle, for her sake and for mine—if she cries, how will I not simply wrap her in my arms and try to save her again, even if I'm saving her from me?
"Look, Sara—" I begin, but she's quicker, dragging me to meet Kelly just to prolong our encounter—it's ridiculously transparent, but then, endearing all the same. I like that she wants to keep me around—that's the problem.
And Kelly is everything Sara has described and more—the type of personality you would find exhausting, except that she's simultaneously so genuine and kind that it's hard not to smile and get energized yourself. I wondered if Sara knew this about Kelly, and anticipated how hard she would be to refuse—it didn't hurt that she had a beautiful baby in the car. I was a sucker for kids, and his blonde hair made me wonder whether Joshua would have been blonde like Laura and Amber or have my dark locks…
Under a barrage of emotion—both from Sara and the baby—and being swept up in Kelly's clever excitement and knowing eyes, I somehow found myself agreeing to lunch. And then I found myself in a minivan, with Sara smiling almost disbelievingly in the back seat. God, I had missed her smile.
And Kelly was clever—she had obviously heard about me, her reaction to me had changed when she heard my name, and she kept me laughing and distracted, so that by the time we were walking into the restaurant, I was not thinking about how to keep my distance from Sara, or how to gently let her down… I was smiling, relaxed, my hand itching to fall on her lower back—where it felt like it belonged—and watching her carry the child whose name I now knew was Joey.
It was amazing to see Sara holding a baby. I knew, without doubt, that that image was going to follow me around now for a very long time. And Joey was the sweetest little boy—he had a cheesy smile, said 'pease' and 'tank ouu' every time he wanted something from Kelly, and she even passed him to me when she made the excuse of running to the restroom before our food arrived.
He hugged me immediately, leaned back and put a finger on my nose, and said "Nose!"
I laugh, "That's right, Joey. Nose. Where's your nose?" He giggles and puts his finger to his own nose, and I glance at Sara. "How old is he?"
She grins. "His birthday is in about a month—he'll be two."
I smile. "He's wonderful."
And her grin softens. "He is. I… I never thought I'd want a baby but… this little man, I tell you what…"
"Sawa!" He shouts, as if he's only just seen her, extending his arms to her, and I pass him over to her beaming face.
"Hi Joey, did you want to sit with auntie Sara?"
"Sawa!" They both giggle, and she pulls a Hershey bar out of her purse—it's already open—and breaks off a small piece and hands it to him.
"Here you go, sweetheart."
He points to his lips which have just closed around the chocolate. "Mmm! Nummies."
She giggles, and my heart absolutely melts at the sound—the sound, and the interaction. She's so sweet with him… we could have had that. "Yep, nummies. Now don't tell Mommy, okay? Shh!" She puts a finger to her lips at the sound, and he mimics her, his 'shh' much louder than hers.
I grin as Kelly slides back into her chair; the look in her eyes, especially when they focused on me, was all too knowing. The woman should run for president, or work as an ambassador… diplomacy and subtle manipulation were apparently her strong suits.
I sigh, figuring Kelly can't make all the conversation. "So Sara tells me you're an art teacher… what age do you work with?"
"Middle school, mostly, although I visit a local elementary once a week—they can't afford a full time art teacher, so I come in and do something with a different grade every week, and leave art ideas with their teachers. Public schools are terrible about funding the arts."
I nod, in complete agreement. "I know, it's a really big problem. My mother's gallery does lots of fund raising for arts programs in schools. Whenever she sells a painting, she gives the proceeds to the fund. She likes to tell me that if every child was nurtured in the arts, my job wouldn't be necessary anymore."
Sara is watching me intently—she hasn't heard much about my mom, because we never talked about our families. She knew she'd run an art gallery, but I don't know whether I'd ever told her how talented my mother was. I knew I'd never told her my mother was deaf, and though I hadn't kept it from her intentionally—it truly hadn't come up, I purposely didn't mention it now… It felt too personal. I didn't want to open up to Sara again, despite Kelly's best efforts.
"Wow, your mother is a painter? I'm hopeless with paint. Well, I mean, not hopeless… I can do it, it just… it lacks the vision that so many really good painters have. I work a lot with charcoal, and clay…"
I nod. "I know. The, uh… the first time I bought Sara flowers, she pulled down a vase you'd made to put them in. It was beautiful."
Both women blush and smile at my statement, and then food arrives, and the conversation shifts. I chance a glance at Sara—she's smiling, but looks a little distant too. I want to take her hand and pull her against my chest and breathe in the scent of her hair, but instead I pick up a fork and begin to eat.
I paid the check, although I received a lot of argument from the ladies I dined with, and even an adamant "No-no!" from Joey, who had heard the repeated, "No, Gil.."'s from the women on either side of him. I cracked a grin and signed the slip, and we rose and piled back into the minivan. Sara's face was drawn now, and I knew why. We were separating again. I didn't want it any more than she did, but it felt necessary… vital, even.
Yet when Kelly parked beside my vehicle and turned to me, deliberately coaxing a smile from my lips with one of her own, and invited me to dinner later in the week… I couldn't refuse. I should have, but I didn't.
I shake her hand again, and tell her that Sara has my number so she can reach me about dinner, and I look into the back seat. Tears are brimming in her eyes.
"I'll see you later in the week, Sara." I say, more to reassure than as a parting comment. I hate to see her upset. She nods, and blinks to try to hide them.
"Yeah. It was… nice to see you, Gil." I offer her my hand, and she takes it and squeezes it, and then I get out. I knew I shouldn't have agreed, but between the pair of them, I was truly powerless.
…It didn't help that I wanted to see her again as badly as she wanted to see me, and nearly as badly as Kelly wanted to orchestrate it. I chuckle to myself, feeling simultaneously lighter and heavier and completely unable to explain such a phenomenon. It was definitely going to be an interesting two weeks.
