I'm so sorry it's taken me a week to post a new chapter, everything's been so busy, I've been visiting my mom and my best friend, got totally wasted Friday night, thankfully had no hangover, and I remembered most of the night, and managed to get through it with all my clothes on..
"Lis? Holy shit…"
"Dean.. Uhh, hi?"
"Hi? Is that all you fucking have to say? You left 6 years ago, no notice, no notes, what the hell?"
"I'm sorry, okay? I was brought here, and it just seemed easier-"
"Easier? Easier than what? You're fucking parents blamed me, me of all fucking people, 8,000 miles away, me."
"I-I didn't know they would do that."
"You gotta be fucking kidding me, you know the shit that I went through when I got back? Having to pack my shit up out of our empty house because your parents couldn't look at the reason their daughter skipped out?"
"I didn't know, okay Dean? I didn't know if you were going to come back, you went off to basic in May, and you wrote every week, then your letters stopped coming, then you sent one more saying you were being sent out to Afghanistan once you graduated basic, I wouldn't even get to see you again. That was hard Dean. I had to think about myself then."
"Oh, the fuck ever, that's all you ever thought about, was yourself, you were so fucking selfish-"
Michael stepped in at that moment while Castiel reached out, tugging at his human's arm.
"That is enough, I will not take some human slandering my wife."
"Well this human was engaged to your wife, this human was planning a wedding with her, planning a family."
"And now you don't need to plan. Gabriel, I will see you tomorrow, it was nice meeting your Samuel. Castiel, learn to control your human in my kingdom."
"Yes Michael."
Castiel saw his oldest brother out, closing the door behind him and turned and saw that his human looked to be on the verge of some sort of raging meltdown. He looked to Gabriel and gave him a stare that said 'make yourself scarce.' Taking his human's hand he lead him upstairs and sat him on the bed. Castiel put his hands on both of Dean's shoulders looking into the other man's vacant eyes, he was in a completely different place. Knowing he was incapable of reaching him or pulling him out of his stupor he leaned him back, took off his boots, helped him out of his pants, and pushed him under the covers of the bed. He sat down next to the still form and leaned over.
"I don't know what happened between you two, and I won't push it. I'm going to put your to sleep, you need your rest, I will be down in my study if I'm not up here." He leaned further forward and placed a soft kiss between his human's eyes as they closed. He went back to his study as soon as he heard snoring. Sending a thought to Gabriel letting him know it was safe to come back if it wasn't too busy, but not to get too tied up here if things went down hill, as humans say.
Sitting back at his desk he opened the journal to where he left off. Taking a deep breath a started reading again.
September 2008
-My therapists think this will be a good idea, writing again. I really don't want too, but I don't want to be in sessions anymore either, so I'll do what I have to. I've been back 4 months, I've been back in society for 1, I've been trying to work up the courage to open up the last reminder I have of the last 2 and a half years and continue with my life. The 3 months I was in various hospitals, transferring from hospital to hospital trying to get closer to California where Sam was. I had broken bones that healed up wrong and had to be re-broken and set right, torn muscles, limbs with missing patches of skin, and blood poisoning. The night of the last entry we were ambushed, half our men were killed instantly by bombs. Sammy was next to me one minute, then being held down by a few Taliban while a large number surrounded the rest of my men. I don't understand much Pashto, but I understood 'capture' and 'medic' I looked at Sam and saw he was wearing his Medic patch. I came into the service to protect my brother, and that's what I did. I told the men they could get a dozen medics if they took the right person, I told them to take me, I'm in command, I'm worth something, then demand medics if they needed them. It took them long to decided, almost too long. Then they dropped Sam, shot his legs and broke his radio, and that's the last thing I remember until I woke up later. I think that's enough for now.
Same night
-I couldn't sleep, kept thinking about my time over there. I'll write what I can remember. The first few days and nights I was being tended too, but I was tied up, on a sort of rack-like structure, it was metal, and crisscrossed, My hands were bound, and if I was standing my hips were bound, if they hand me on my knees they slackened my wrists so I leaned forward, if I was standing my legs were tied straight to the posts. Half the time I was given a pair of dirty torn shorts, which looked a lot like my DCU's. The other half I was naked. They enjoyed that, humiliation got them going.
After the first week they started in, first they were asking stuff, but when they realized they wouldn't get any answers out of me their torture turned into a game. I never screamed, not in pain, not in anger, I didn't cry but once. They would not see me break. They broke bones, sliced skin off, poked hot rods into my skin, set dogs on me. After but I thought may have been a few months, in reality I didn't know, I could have been down there years, they got bored with just plain pain torture.
November 2008
-If I don't right this down I'll never get over what happened. My therapist refuses to talk about anything else in sessions, and won't let me move on or take breaks. I need to get this over with.
Right around the middle of my stay in the pit the men got bored, plain torture for pain just wasn't enough. So they brought in a man while I was catching a few z's.
There were scribble marks where a pen was left touching the paper too long, and large smeared blotches where someone had cried over the page. Castiel knew this entry was a tough one.
They took off my shorts, brought me too my knees, untied my hands and retied them behind my back. I woke up in time to feel something I had feared would happened and prayed never would. The man, more blotch marks and pen traces, raped me. Dry and unprepared, well, until he hit a patch of really dry flesh, then the rest of red. It went on for hours, multiple men. I still didn't cry, I just kept my eyes closed and prayed for them to stop soon. They called me names, whore, fag, saying I probably enjoyed it. The torture went on for hours. That night I stopped praying, I haven't prayed sense, I won't if it's going to fall on deaf ears. I also didn't sleep willingly, they had to knock me out or I had to pass out from pain before I ever slept. My only train of thought was Sam after that. Get home to Sam, or die trying. I knew he was alive, Sammy's smart, dumbest thing to do is injure a medic.
My only form of torture became rape after that night.
January 2009
-I've been putting this entry off, I estimate only two more before I will have written everything down. But if I'm going to do this in order I need to get passed this one thing.
My whole stay there they had other people come in, women, slaves, tend to my wounds, amateur care, but it kept me alive, and that's what they wanted. There was one particular girl who was continuously in my cell, I learned her name was Anoosheh, which she said meant lucky, happy. She was young, only 12 or 13 I never spoke to her, but she always spoke to me, told me the date, about her who her family is, or was, they were killed by the very men who enslaved her. Once she told me that my men were looking for me, they had spotted a caravan of soldiers a few miles from the bunker.
During my third to last month, Anoosheh had tried to help me escape, she barely had my hands untied before they caught her. For her punishment they threw her down in front of me, they only said one word… 'virgin.' I screamed myself hoarse, no, I wasn't going to do what they asked. They were monsters, I told them to just kill her, but just like praying to my absent God, it fell on deaf ears. They held my nose closed and force fed me what I think was a roofie-style black market Viagra. They tied her up first, hands to feet, then tilted her onto her knees so she was face down in the dirt. She was a trooper, I'll give the poor girl that, she didn't cry, she didn't whimper, or scream, she made no noise. They moved me next, blind folded me, tied my knees to the grounded behind her, and my hands to her hips, then they stood back just in time for the pills to take affect. I remember trembling, telling myself it was better I do this, and be gentle, than have them do it to her. I took a deep breath, and I entered her, very slowly. She didn't tense up, or flinch or try to stop me, even when I reached her barrier. I broke through fast, and bottomed out, it would have been worse prolonging it. I remember trying to soothe her by rubbing my fingers into her hips, but then I remembered she probably didn't want soothing, she just wanted it over. I tried to get it over with a fast as possible, numbing myself to the people around us. I didn't bother pulling out when I came, they were going to kill her whether she got pregnant or not.
When the men were satisfied they tied me back up and left her on the ground, and they left, saying I was the monster now. I was still on my knees. I almost thought she was asleep, she was so quiet, then I heard a rustle and my blind fold was removed and she was kneeling before me. That was the first time I shed tears, and not one or two trails, my eyes poured. I remember saying I was sorry and explaining why I didn't try to fight, but she shushed me, and in a very thick accent she said 'I do not blame you. I never will. You are not a monster. I am lucky, I had someone as kind as you.'
She, touched my face, then moved to sit back down by the door, she kept here eyes on me, they were not haunted, or scared, or pained, they were kind. When the men came back in they shot her in the head, the blood from her head pooled and ran down into the blood from the sin I had just committed to her. I remember thinking she was in fact lucky, so lucky, they didn't make it last, she could be with her family again.
I still dream about her, almost every night, some nights I wake up with her last words still running through my head, and other nights I wake up with my dream morphing, and her saying much meaner things. Every time I close my eyes, I see hers.
Castiel sat back. He was visibly shaking, tears streaming down his face as he held his hands to his mouth trying to hold in the sobs. That poor man. Everything he's had to go through…
He closed the journal, saving the last few entries for later. Laying it into a drawer of his desk and locking it, he slipped upstairs. Taking off his clothes and sliding into the bed, he wrapped his arm around the fetal positioned man, and placed a kiss on his forehead, letting it linger for a few seconds then breaking away
"Everything you've had to go through, you deserve a good life, a happy life. I'll do my best to help in any way." Castiel whispered, scooting in closer, moving the other man so his upper body was on the fairy's. Not knowing his words were heard by the man whom he thought was sleeping, and not seeing the small smile he had given said 'sleeping' man.
This awful chapter has been banging away in my head for 4 days, I had to write it down to get it out, I started having nightmares involving the last journal entry. I hope I can sleep tonight. This chapter was the main reason I ended up getting drunk Friday night. I'm morbid, I know, but I like damaged people, it's an awful thing, I was never attracted to Dean until he came back from Hell. Read and Review, and please try to keep the flames to a minimum. I've gotten a few PM's about the parallels this story has with another story about Dean's service in the military, I just want to say now before more people start asking, I haven't read this story, but I'm not surprised another person has gone with the military underline plot, what I am surprised is that more people haven't done it yet. I'll probably read this story eventually so that I can try and separate this from that as best I can. But until then, I'm really going to do my best to get another chapter out before the weekend hits, problem is, I have a ton of house work and maintenance to do at my mom's, so it may take a while.
