Due to all the awesome reviews and story alerts and everything else (as well as my lack of organizational skills) this is my combination of all four versions of this chapter. (I know I've rewritten it four times and still no update, I'm horrible)
The Real Pain in the Heart
I've
dug up miles and miles of sand
Searching for something I can't
see
And I've just got bruised and battered hands
And a brand
new void inside of me
Complete
with walls I did create
From
all the earth that I've displaced
A mess that I have made from
what
I've just let pile and pile up
I have not been abandoned,
no I have not been
Deserted and I have not been forgotten
Recap:
"Bones please talk to me, or at least let me come with you wherever you're going. Whoever sent that package might be stalking you"
"I don't need your protection Booth; I can take care of myself"
"I know you can, I just want to be close to you." Booth whispered. He took her hands gently in his and pulled her towards him. She didn't resist, even as his forehead rested against hers.
She needed him, more than she had ever needed someone.
I
need you
I need you here
I need you now
I need security
somehow
I need you
Like you would not believe
You're the
only thing I want
Cause you're everything I need
She let Booth lead her to his car, barely aware of where she was walking.
Brennan didn't know whether she should break down and cry into his arms or kick his ass for telling her what to do. She didn't know whether she should tell Booth everything she knew and suffer the consequences together with him, or suffer silently by herself until the case was over.
Dr. Temperance Brennan, Forensic Anthropologist, and best-selling author did know one thing for sure though; her heart was breaking.
It was breaking right in half, and unbeknownst to Booth, he was the reason. Every second Brennan spent even thinking about him ripped a little more at her heart.
Here he was same old Booth, trying to get her to open up, to let him inside. She trusted him to see past her walls more than anyone else.
It was a trust that would be ruined as soon as he found out what she had done.
Now thinking about it, she hung her head in shame. Her eyes welled with tears as she realized she was going to lose him possibly forever.
Explore
the cave that is my chest
A torch reveals there's nothing
left
Your whispers echo off the walls
And you can hear my
distant calls
The voice of who I used to be
Screaming out
"someone, someone please
Please shine a light into the
black
Wade through the depths and bring me back
Booth reached over to hold her hand as he drove them to her house. He needed to feel some kind of connection with her, some kind of way into her thoughts.
"Bones... I'm sorry I yelled at you back at the lab, I didn't mean it. I was just worried about you and didn't get much sleep last night"
Brennan looked up to meet his eyes, those eyes that bore all his love and trust for her. She could feel the guilt weigh heavy in her gut at the thought of how his eyes would grow cold like daggers when he found out the truth about her whereabouts the night before.
The fact that he was apologizing for yelling at her made her want to scream and throw herself out of the car. She should be the one apologizing for everything, not him.
"You forgive me right?" Booth said, his soft caring brown eyes begging her to say yes.
"I don't deserve an apology from you Booth, I was wrong not to call you myself, and I'm sorry I worried you"
It wasn't the emotion in her voice that worried Booth, it was the lack there of.
Booth pulled into a parking space next to her building. He sat there for a few seconds, watching as her gaze remained fixed on the floor.
Finally after she had started to shake again, he lifted her chin with his finger to look into her eyes.
"You do deserve an apology from me Bones, I was being an ass. Something's obviously been hurting you these past days and I should've been more aware of it. I'm sorry"
Booth thought for a moment he saw a flicker of immense grief run across her face before it was gone and replaced with anger.
Brennan had had enough of his apologizing. She was the one that had cheated on him last night! She was supposed to be leaving him messages telling him how sorry she was and everything.
"Stop telling me you're sorry Booth because you have nothing to be sorry for!"
Brennan pulled away from him and got out of the car before he could open her door for her.
Booth caught her as she made her way inside the building.
"Alright! Alright! I won't say it anymore, even though I am... sorry that is"
Brennan glared at him once more before hitting the button on the elevator.
Booth stood in front of her as the doors closed behind him. Once again she looked everywhere but at him hoping to avoid his questions for as long as possible.
"I wish you'd just tell me what was wrong so I'd know how to fix it"
"Nothing's wrong"
Booth chuckled and she looked up in surprise
"I'll believe that when I see it, you've looked at me twice including now since we left the lab"
There it was again, a flash of neediness that had never existed in her before he came along. She both wanted and needed for him to hold her right then and never let go.
He saw it too, and pulled her to him quickly before she could change her mind.
With his arms wrapped tightly around her and his face pressed into her hair, Brennan was able to take her first real breath all day. In his arms she would be safe from falling into the pit she had thrown herself into.
I
have not been abandoned, no I have not been
Deserted and I have
not been forgotten
I need you
I need you here
I need you
now
I need security somehow
I need you
Like you would not
believe
You're the only thing I want
Cause you're everything I
need
Brennan caught sight of her couch once more and almost sank to the floor in tears like before. Instead she walked shakily into her kitchen to the fridge.
"Do you want a drink?"
"No I'm fine"
Brennan could feel his eyes on her as she moved through her kitchen. It was strange how one minute she thought she'd suffocate by his closeness and needing him closer than ever the next.
They both spoke at the same time to break the silence, saying the other's name.
"Go ahead Booth" she said nodding to him.
He stepped towards her again and kissed her before she had time to move away. It was soft but deliberate as he moved his lips over hers sensually. She responded and sucked on his bottom lip just as he pulled away from her to look into her eyes.
"Temperance, whatever has been going on these past few days, I just want you to know... I love you more than I think you know. I know lately things have been rocky but I'm not just going to let you slip away, or push me away for that matter."
"Booth I..."
Suddenly there was a knock at the door.
Brennan pulled open the door, only to find Agent Collins there smiling at her.
For a moment she was shocked, and couldn't think of why he would be standing at her door. Then it all came back to her.
Booth apparently shared her initial reaction because he walked up behind her in the door way slyly wrapping an arm around her.
"Agent Collins, what are you doing here?"
Collins was surprised to see Booth there and looked towards Brennan as he walked inside.
"I didn't know you two got back together"
Brennan stuttered trying to think of something to say, which was highly unlike her but she truly was caught off guard with everything else that was happening.
Booth wasted no time with a reply.
"We never broke up"
Collins again looked at Brennan, his eyes wide.
"So again, what the hell are you doing here Collins?"
Brennan could feel the tension in Booth as he fought for control. It scared her to think of what he would do if Collins said anything.
"I was invited over by Dr. Brennan"
Booth quickly glanced at her expecting to see her disapproving glare at Collins for making something like that up. What he saw however was guilt and nervousness.
Oh god Bones, what have you gotten yourself into?
When
my hopes seem to dangle
somewhere just beyond my reach
You say
you've heard my prayers
And read my words there on the beach
"When exactly were you invited over?" Booth asked suspiciously. He had a horrible feeling he knew what happened but he wanted to hear it out loud.
"Look Booth, I thought you two had broken up okay, she came to my office and we went out for drinks. Then we went back to my apartment but nothing happened."
Booth was shocked. It was worse than being punched in the face, worse even than getting shot. His arm dropped from her waist just as she knew it would.
Bones closed her eyes to stop the tears she also knew would fall. Her arms were crossed over her chest and she laid her head against the wall waiting to see how this would play out.
"What happened after?" Booth asked now looking at Bones, waiting to see her reaction.
"We kissed that's it and then she got a call from work and left before it went any further"
Booth felt his heart break into a million pieces in that one instant. She was supposed to be his Bones.
Finally he saw her beautiful blue eyes; he saw the guilt and the shame that was held there.
It was all he needed to grab Collins and slam him up against her wall.
"What happened after?"
"Nothing I swear! She got a call and left!"
"And then what? You hooked up with her after?"
"No, nothing happened"
"Right" Booth punched him in the face hard.
Booth held him tight for a few seconds, wanting nothing more than to kill him for touching her.
"Tell me the truth or I swear I'll..."
"Booth he's telling the truth!"
Brennan finally placed a hand on Booth's arm. The effect she had on him was immediate as he slowly let go of his hold on Collins.
"Bones what the hell is going on" Booth asked just above a whisper as he looked straight at her. He was on the verge of tears himself, struggling for control.
She didn't answer him, she couldn't. There was nothing she could say that would justify her answer for all of this. Hell she didn't even know why she did it.
"It just happened" Stuttered Agent Collins, afraid of Booth and what he would do.
"Get out" Booth said the anger strong in his voice, while never taking his eyes off of his partner.
As Collins got to the door Angela stood there confused.
"Did I miss something here?" Angela walked in and looked between her best friend and Booth. "What happened? Brennan?"
"You too Angela"
She was ready to protest but decided not to, seeing the look of pure anguish and sadness on Booths face.
They heard the door click behind them and it became all too quiet. They stayed there not moving for several minutes, before Booth walked to her.
He leant his hand against the wall next to her, dropping his head against her shoulder.
His proximity to her made her start to feel sick. She felt like she was suffocating and tried to walk away from him.
Booth's other hand wrapped around her waist stopping her.
"No Bones, you can't run away from this. You need to tell me everything."
Booth's anger lessened some as he felt her start to shake. He turned her slowly and pulled her into him protectively, her head resting on his shoulder.
"I... I told him to come over" she answered on the verge of tears. "I forgot till just now though"
Booth sighed into her hair as he held her tightly.
"Why?" Booth said softly. "Why did you meet with him anyway?"
"I needed someone, someone who..."
Booth cut her off. "You could've called me Temperance." He pulled away from her and lifted her chin up. Her eyes were still closed, as silent tears came down. "You know I'd be here for you whenever, that I'd do anything for you Bones, anything!"
Brennan opened her eyes and stared into his. Booth could see beyond the wall she was trying to put up, to the pain and suffering behind it. There was also guilt and Booth leant his forehead against hers.
Again it got to be all too much for Brennan and she backed away from him, her eyes daring him to come closer in a way that startled Booth.
"Then leave, just leave"
Booth stared at her confused "What? Bones..."
"You said you'd do anything for me, well then go"
"That's not what I meant and I'm not going anywhere until you tell me what this is all about."
Brennan stood staring at the partner she had come to respect and cherish more than anyone, who she could always count to rely on no matter what, and she never doubted that he would be there to protect her.
More than that now, he was the man she loved, really truly loved. It was because of him that she believed once again in a love between two people in a relationship. And if she was honest, she loved everything about him.
And now when he should hate her, despise her for cheating on him, in his eyes his love for her shone as bright as ever.
Here she was, going to break his heart, both their hearts.
"I don't deserve you Booth; you're too good for me..." She spoke so softly that if it had been anyone else, they wouldn't have heard it, but he did.
"Don't say that, Collins was a mistake I'll admit, but it's only because I shouldn't have let you push me away the other day"
"No that's not true, you want the truth?"
Booth didn't nod or shake his head, just waited for it to come.
"Collins lied, Booth...I... I slept with him, that's where I was last night"
Brennan's chin rose defiantly trying desperately to keep her composure.
Booth was too shocked for words. "Bones..."
"That's what you wanted right?"
Booth looked at her quizzically, he knew her better than this. There was no doubt she had done it. She wouldn't lie to him about something like this. But her manner suggested that she was doing this on purpose, a fact that hurt Booth as much as anything else.
This was what Angela had warned him about, Bones was pushing him away.
"No Temperance I wanted you, that's it." He said angrily.
Brennan was frozen in her place as Booth stepped towards her.
"I wanted you and me to be together as more than partners. I wanted to be there for you after a hard day at work, and wake up with you next to me every morning. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you, and maybe one day have a family."
Booth's voice was hardly more than a whisper now as he fought the urge not to cry.
"But I can't be with you right now, and probably not for a while. I love you Temperance with everything I got. You don't even know how much. I just wish you'd let yourself love me like I know you want too"
Brennan felt the knife of his words and wanted to say something to stop this from happening, but the only thing she could say, she wouldn't.
It was better this way. So she said nothing.
Booth shook his head.
"I told you I wouldn't give up on you Temperance that I wouldn't let you push me away like all the others, but you don't have to make it so damn hard"
With that Booth left. He slammed the door behind him, not noticing Angela still standing in the hallway waiting.
"Booth, wait"
He didn't stop but pushed past her, as tears ran down his face.
Angela walked inside the apartment. She saw Brennan burst into sobs and collapse.
It had finally hit her just what she was losing by this... everything.
I
need you
I need you here
I need you now
I need security
somehow
I need you
Like you would not believe
You're the
only thing I want
Cause you're everything
I need
"I need you" – Relient K
Okay I know that was a lot of emotions but next chapter will make you go "ohhh" or at least I hope. Review like last time please! =)
