Chapter 3 Closer
Santana closed the door in her house. She couldn't shake the feeling that Rachel was going to enter her house at any given moment. She couldn't remember the last time she let someone close to her in a month. She just let Rachel take her home everyday after the first, and she couldn't stop blaming herself for letting someone in.
Her house was empty. Santana's mom was at City Hall, working on her big drug case. While her dad was at the ER doing... something... he was always there and never home.
Not for the first time in her life, Santana was alone. She felt miserable, hurt, and above all tired. Tired of everything. She pulled up her sleeves on her hoodie and examined the scars and cuts. She knew exactly what to do.
Running up to her bathroom, Santana pulled open the drawer and pulled out a blade. She went in her room and pulled out a pencil and a paper. If she was going to go, she wanted to give people a reason why.
Dear... well... hi,
My name is Santana Lopez. No, not the bitch at school, the real me. I have never let anyone in. I have never felt so alone, that is, until Brittany. She was kind and bubbly and made me smile. She brought out the best in me. Then something happened. I fell in love. I fell in love hard and then I stopped, but my heart kept going and it turned to glass and shattered on the pavement below. I don't blame you, Brittany, I blame myself. For not being strong enough, for not being able to be with you the way you wanted me to, for everything. I know I may seem tough, and I may seem like I don't care about anyone or anything, but I do. I cared so much that about a month ago, I shut myself away so I wouldn't get hurt. I felt like everything was out to get me so I hid and the real me went and disappeared.
I'm tired.
No, I'm exhausted. I have to pretend all the time and now I am going to let you see me before I go. I have spent every Christmas since I was five, alone. I have never had a Christmas dinner and my parents are never home. They work long hours because they do not want to spend time with a disappointment of a daughter. I love girls, like really love them and I'm scared because when I go to church they tell me it is so wrong. I'm so confused at what I should do. Am I an abomonation? A monster? They tell me people who are like me are cursed, but when I look at Rachel's dads, I see love. They have given there daughter more in a day than what my parents have given me in my life.
Rachel...
You were the only one to actually try. You haven't given up and because I know this, it is going to be harder for me to go. But it's still not enough. I never meant to hurt you. It was just... expected of me. I know that you cry every night when someone calls you a name or slushies you... mainly that someone is me. I know you cry, because I do. Did you know that everytime I have walked up to you and called you a name, I actually try to talk to you, but then I get scared because people are staring and they judge my every move.
I'm so sorry, to Brittany, to Rachel, to mom and dad, to everyone.
Santana...
Santana set the note down and folded it neatly. She went back into her bathroom and took out two pain pills. She took them and waited for the effects to take place. Then, she grabbed a blade and cut her wrists at the angle she knew to do it. She was losing her strength, and fell to the ground.
When Santana faded out, she heard someone scream.
Rachel entered Santana's house. The taller latina had forgotten her homework in the car.
"Santana?" Rachel called out. Where were her parents? There was a crash that came from upstairs. Rachel dropped the books and ran upstairs. She turned down the hall and entered the bathroom. Santana was there, lying on the floor with blood seeping out of her arms.
"Santana!" Rachel yelled. All that ran through her mind was, No no no no no no no NO! She searched through the cabinets and found the firs aid kit. She ripped the box open and quickly found the box of stitches. Bending down next to Santana, Rachel cleaned as much blood as she could from the latina's arms and started stitching. When Rachel was finished, she carried Santana into one of the rooms and saw the letter on the vanity. Rachel set Santana on the bed and picked up the note. Her hand reached up to her mouth as she cried.
Rachel grabbed her phone and called her dad.
"Hello?"
"Dad?"
"Sweetie, what's wrong?"
"Nothing, I just wanted to let you know that I will be staying at Santana's for winter break, well at least until Christmas. Could she join us?"
"Um...Sure honey. Do you need anything?" Rachel could tell he was hesitant, but he saw how broken the latina was, but only Rachel now knew just how broken.
"Just some clothes and my other stuff, it's all in my bag at home, you know the one."
"Of course, I'll be there in a couple of minutes okay?"
"Okay dad."
"I love you."
"Love you, too."
Rachel hung up her phone and reread the letter. She couldn't believe how much Santana was hurting and that Rachel didn't notice. To say she forgave the girl, well, not entirely, but knowing that the latina was just as scared as she was, helped the healing process. She just wanted to help the girl even more.
The doorbell rang and Rachel went downstairs and picked up her clothes. When her dad asked where Santana was, Rachel just said that she was in her room taking a nap.
When Rachel went into Santana's room, the latina was awake and sitting on her bed. She was examoning her stitches. When Rachel set her bags down, Santana turned and looked at her. Rachel sat down on the bed at they both stared at eachother.
Santana broke eye contact first. She spoke, but didn't look at Rachel, "I'm so ashamed." A single tear streamed down her face.
Rachel wiped it away,"Don't be."
"Why, Rachel? Why did you save me? I'm such a horrible person. I'm just a washed out slut. I'm not nice to anybody, especially you. I'm just... so broken."
"But... how do I put this?" Rachel searched for the right words to explain, "It's kinda like the saying 'When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade.' But, if your lemon tree is cut down, you plant a new one. It will never be the same, but that doesn't mean it is worse. It could be better," Rachel took hold of Santana's hand, "And I want to help you get better."
A few tears slid down the latina's face as she nodded. Rachel reached over and gave Santana a hug. They stayed in eachother's embrace for a few minutes. They both needed it. Santana, because she needed to know that someone was there for her. Rachel needed it to know that Santana was willing to try.
Escaping the embrace, they sat in an awkward silence. Neither of them knew what to do.
Santana cleared her throat, "So, what are you doing for the break?"
"Well, I'm staying with you. And maybe... you could... I don't know..." Rachel didn't know why she was so shy now, a few minutes ago she could have just forced the latina to go with her to spend Christmas, but now, now she wasn't sure if the taller girl had plans or even wanted to spend Christmas with her.
"Spit it out Berry," Santana said. It didn't have its usual venom, more friendly.
"Would you like to join me for Christmas at my house?" Rachel blurted out, "Well, that is, if you don't already have plans. I just assumed that you wouldn't seeing that your parents are barely home. Not that I'm saying that your parents don't care about you. I don't know if you have plans with someone else, just that you didn't mention anything about it, but you probably wouldn't since you have been less than verbose lately. I'm not sure that your parents or family even celebrates Christmas, just that I read your letter-" Santana's eyes widened and Rachel knew she made a mistake.
"Y-you read that?" The tall brunettes eyes glanced at the piece of paper in Rachel's hand.
"I didn't mean to. It was just, I was so worried and it was there and I read it because I was really scared for you-" Rachel realized that Santana wasn't mad, more like... smiling. It wasn't a forced one or one that would make Rachel's skin crawl knowing that the latina was plotting against her, this on was a sincere smile. Santana was happy that Rachel cared about her enough to worry.
"You're smiling," Rachel said out of breathe.
"You're rambling," Santana replied, no longer being able to contain her amusement.
That caused Rachel to let out and indignant huff and cross her arms. This only caused Santana's smile to grow. Rachel knew she couldn't stay mad at the taller girl with that look on her face. Doesn't mean that she didn't try, it's just that she didn't succeed.
"Yes."
"Yes what?" Rachel questioned.
"I could go to Christmas dinner with you."
This time, Rachel didn't bother hiding her smile.
AN1: HELLO! I AM GOING TO BE POSTING TWO CHAPTERS BECAUSE I HAVE AN IDEA IN MY HEAD AND I CAN'T GET IT OUT. SO THIS IS A LITTLE PRESENT FOR YOU GUYS! YAY! YOU GET A LONGER CHAPTER AND ANOTHER ONE ALL IN ONE DAY!
AN2: I'M GOING TO BE POSTING CHAPTERS THAT ARE ABOUT THE HOLIDAY AND I WILL BE POSTING ONE ON CHRISTMAS, AND THAT WILL BE THE ONE WHERE THEY GO TO RACHEL'S HOUSE!
AN3: I'M THINKING ABOUT DOING AT LEAST 15 OR MORE CHAPTERS TO THIS STORY, SINCE IT IS GOING REALLY FAST. BUT I WILL BE SLOWING IT DOWN A LITTLE BECAUSE SANTANA STILL NEEDS TO GET PAST SOME THINGS.
AN4: THIS CHAPTER MAY SEEM A LITTLE FAST FOR SANTANA'S PROGRESS, BUT KEEP IN MIND THAT THIS IS A MONTH AFTER SHE TOLD BRITTANY SHE LOVED HER. I'M SORT OF BRINGING WHEN SANTANA TELLS BRITTANY A LITTLE BIT BACK IN TIME BUT OTHER THAN THAT, EVERYTHING WILL FLOW NATURALY.
AN5: I'M ONLY GOING TO DO A LITTLE FIN BASHIING, BUT THEN HE WILL BE SWEET, SO IT'S SORT OF THE BEST OF BOTH WORLDS.
AQ1:HOW LONG WOULD YOU LIKE THE STORY TO BE?
AQ2: IS IT GOING TO FAST FOR YOUR LIKING?
DISCLAIMER: I DON'T OWN ANY PART OF GLEE -SAD FACE-
