There would be no pretty flowers, no sushi, no white wine. There were several phone calls, two apologetic e-mails and even a note delivered to the house. Brooke had allowed herself to think Julian would stand by his word and she hates herself for her weakness. She hates Julian more for taking advantage of her.
There would be no sushi so Brooke brings Thai food home for herself. Around the dining room table that night, it is just her and Hazel. Hazel is happily munching on carrot sticks and chicken fingers, seemingly oblivious to the unkept promises and bitter sadness.
Brooke just periodically looks from her untouched plate of rice to her daughter across the table. The mood lightens for a short period when ketchup somehow ends up on Hazel's nose.
"Hey Rudolph", Brooke says to her daughter.
Hazel glares at her mother and suddenly the child's resemblance to Brooke is unmistakable.
"I am not a reindeer, Mumma!"
Yes, she is definitely her mother's daughter.
"No, silly", Brooke says between giggles. "You've got some ketchup on your nose."
"Oh, oops!" Hazel exclaims, grabbing a napkin and wiping her nose. "All gone?" she asks her mother.
"Yup, no more red nose."
"Good! Hey mumma, why are you not eating dinner?"
Brooke sighs. Her daughter is way too perceptive. Aren't children supposed to be egocentric at this age? Figures she'd end up with a kid as smart as Hazel.
"I'm just tired and a little sad", Brooke says after a beat of trying to figure out what to say.
"Because daddy's not here?"
Brooke pushes her plate to the center of the table and sighs again. She knows she shouldn't be having this conversation with her 3 year old daughter, but Hazel is practically all Brooke has now.
"Yes, because daddy's not here", the mother replies. "I miss him."
"I do, too, mumma. Why doesn't he come 'round anymore? Does he not love us anymore?" Hazel asks, tears escaping her gorgeous, big green eyes.
Brooke is simultaneously heartbroken and furious. She gets up out of her seat and walks towards Hazel. She picks the child up and rests her on her hip. Brooke heads to the living room and sits on the couch, Hazel now on her lap.
"Hazel, can you look me in my eyes?" Brooke asks. This is the pair's cue that Brooke means business.
Hazel responds to Brooke's request and the two pairs of broken eyes meet.
"Daddy loves you with all of his heart. You are the best thing in his life- in my life, too. You're our angel", Brooke says to the young girl who replies only by snuggling into her mother's chest.
"I want him to come home now", Hazel whispers.
"I know, baby…"
"No, mumma. Now!" Hazel says louder as she gets up off of the couch and sits on the floor. "I want my daddy!" she cries. Her cries become screams and Brooke knows a tantrum is coming. Hazel doesn't frequently get this upset so Brooke doesn't really know what to do. Hazel is breaking in front of her and she doesn't know what to do.
"Mumma, please! I miss my daddy! He doesn't love me! I want my daddy!" Hazel continues to yell and her cries now become hiccups.
"Hazel", Brooke whispers. "You need to calm down, please."
"No, no, no!"
The hiccups turn into wheezes and it's when Hazel purposely bangs her head on the coffee table that Brooke begins to panic.
"Honey, stop! Are you okay? Can you breathe?"
Brooke jumps up off of the couch and grabs a hyperventilating and crying Hazel, hugging her tightly. "You're okay, you're okay…" the mother repeats quietly, both for her daughter's benefit and her own.
-xx-
It took two hours to get Hazel to fall asleep. She couldn't stop coughing and she kept insisting that there were monsters in her closet that were going to take her mummy and daddy away. It took two books and a glass of warm milk before she finally fell asleep.
It took two seconds for Brooke to collapse on the living room couch and three tries before Julian answered his phone.
"Listen, babe…" the man says immediately, clearly distracted.
"No, you listen to me", Brooke says, uninterested in anything Julian has to say. "Do you want to know what happened tonight? I'll tell you. Hazel had a panic attack. Your 3 year old daughter freaked out and tried to hurt herself because you're never here and that must mean you don't love her. Do you know how much my heart broke to hear that? Do you know how scary it is to watch your child gasp for air? No, you don't know."
"Brooke…"
"No, Julian, I am not done. You know, I don't really care if you hurt me. It's happened before, I'd deal. But I will not let you continue to give our daughter panic attacks. You do not get to fucking hurt my kid. Fix this. Fix it or we're done."
"I want to fix it. I don't know what to do", Julian says, his voice cracking.
"Keep working because G-d forbid you one day resent me for keeping you from your dreams. You just need to learn how to come home. Julian, you've made me feel like the most undesirable woman alive the past couple of years. You've made Hazel feel like you hate her", Brooke says. She pauses, letting Julian take everything in.
"I know you, I know you're not a bad guy", Brooke continues. "Please, just, take a break or something. I need us to be together again. I can't do this anymore."
"I'll figure it out. I promise."
"Your promises mean shit."
"I know."
"Will you be home tonight?"
"Yeah, I'm on my way now. I left as soon as you said 'panic attack'."
"Okay…I'm just going to sleep", Brooke says as she grabs the blanket draped over the couch and lays it slowly over her body. "I'll see you in the morning."
"Okay. I love you", Julian says cautiously.
"Mhmm…" is all Brooke can say as sleep begs to overtake her and she drops the phone.
-xx-
Nothing's different in the morning. Brooke wakes up at 7:30, still on the couch, legs tangled in the blanket. She's got a crick in her neck and her head is pounding. She drags her feet into the kitchen and grabs a glass of water and two pain relievers. After taking the pills, she sets the glass down and walks down the hallway to her bedroom. She peeks in and sees no Julian. Great.
Right next door is Hazel's room and as Brooke opens the door to check on her daughter, she's met with an odd sight. Julian's 6'3" tall body splayed across Hazel's tiny twin bed. His arms are wrapped around the little girl and his legs are hanging over the footboard.
Brooke can't help but chuckle and she can't stop. Julian begins to wake up and is quickly alerted to his awkward positioning by a cramp in his leg and the fact that his arm, resting under Hazel's back, is very much asleep. As he starts to get up, Brooke starts laughing even more and has to go out into the hallway so as to not wake up her daughter.
Julian follows her there and they both silently realize that they've had too many conversations in the hallway lately.
"Good morning, Brooke", Julian says.
"Hi Julian. Why did you sleep in Hazel's room? I was on the couch so you wouldn't have woken me up or anything…" Brooke says, rubbing her neck and trying to figure out how to actually have this conversation.
"I, um, I wanted to be with her."
"Oh, okay…that's sweet, then."
"Can we talk somewhere else? These hallway conversations never end well."
"Yeah, I'd really rather not jump right into bed with you instead of sorting this out like the trainwreck that was the other night."
Julian winces as he follows Brooke into the living room, still messy with the remnants of Hazel's panic attack and Brooke's night on the couch.
"Thank you for not slapping me as soon as I woke up", the man says as he sits down on a chair. Brooke sits across from him on the couch and he's well aware that she's trying to distance herself from him.
"My body is too tired to do any slapping right now", Brooke says snidely. "Maybe later."
Julian hangs his head down, defeated. "I deserved that."
"Yes, you absolutely did. I'm not going to yell because our toddler could wake up at any moment, but g-ddamn listen to me, Julian- something needs to change", Brooke says. She's gritting her teeth and her voice is low.
"I quit my next project."
Brooke sits back on the couch, stunned and unable to speak.
"No…" she finally says.
"I want this, Brooke. I'm not going to resent you for anything. You and Hazel are my life now and I know that, I know that. Please…"
"You are on notice, Julian Baker", Brooke finally replies. She has no idea how to react to Julian's rash decision. "I'm just going to go back to bed."
With that, she gets up and leaves only confusion in her wake.
-xx-
