Chapter 5: The Wicked Lies We Tell

We both know that I shouldn't be here
This is wrong
And baby it's killin' me, it's killin' you
Both of us tryin' to be strong
I've got somewhere else to be
Promises to keep
Someone else who loves me
And trusts me fast asleep
I've made up my mind
There is no turning back
She's been good to me
And she deserves better than that

It's the hardest thing
I'll ever have to do
To look you in the eye
And tell you I don't love you
It's the hardest thing
I'll ever have to lie
To show no emotion
When you start to cry
I can't let you see
What you mean to me
When my hands are tied
And my heart's not free
We're not meant to be
It's the hardest thing
I'll ever have to do
To turn around and walk away
Pretending I don't love you

I know that we'll meet again
Fate has a place and time
So you can get on with your life
I've got to be cruel to be kind
Like Dr. Zhivago
All my love I'll be sending
And you will never know
'Cause there can be no happy ending

Maybe another time, another day
As much as I want to, I can't stay
I've made up my mind
There is no turning back
She's been good to me
And she deserves better than that


"Mary Jane," Peter gulped, voice less stable than he would have liked. *Think, Parker, think...*

"Spider-Man." She raised her brows.

"Wwwwhat are you d-doing in Parker's bedroom?" he stuttered.

"I could ask you the same thing," MJ replied.

"I came to tell him some information," Peter lied.

"I came to talk to him. About you." She crossed her arms.

"Me? What for?"

Spidey still hadn't moved.

MJ sighed. She was beginning to doubt whether or not she could force this out of him. Maybe she should really let him come to her with it, on his own, one day, when he decided he could trust her with his secret, with his heart. But what if he never did? What if she had to spend the rest of her life hiding his secret and not being a part of his life? She didn't think she could live with that. "I...I don't know," she responded, frowning. It was all the more hard to do this with that mask on his face.

He stood up, finally.

She studied the opaque slots of his mask, knowing the eyes underneath, knowing their look, their expression to the minutest detail. She swallowed, nervously. "No. I do know what I need to talk to you about… I needed to see you…because… because I know who you are," she finally whispered, bracing herself for the backlash.

Peter too stunned to do anything. "Huh?" he squeaked.

She sighed, her voice resigned to state the obvious. "Peter I know it's you."

"MJ, it's me Spider-Man," he laughed, though he was scared half out of his mind.

She tried to blink back the tears at the sound of his denial, but she found that they'd already begun to fall steadily. "Stop playing games, Peter Parker. I KNOW you're Spider-Man!"

"Mary Jane, I'm sorry that you're so confused about this," Peter tried desperately, "but…"

"Just STOP!" she demanded, burying her face in her hands, trying to regain her composure. "I have proof," she declared, once she was able to find her voice.

Peter felt nauseated. *Proof? What? How?* He swayed on his feet.

"Will you hear me out, please?" MJ reached out to touch his arm.

He didn't move, didn't feel her touch, he was devoid of everything inside except for fear.

"I've had my suspicions for a month now." She began to pace, biting her nails. "I mean, I would've never guessed nerdy, scrawny, Peter Parker could be some muscled-bound super- hero who managed to save my life more than once. Especially with those skills and that flashy, witty personality. So much different than you, Peter. And then all that not different. You have always been there to save me, even as just plain ol' Peter Parker. Like I told you last night... you make me feel a way only Peter's made me feel before. You make me feel the same safety and warmth I only felt around Peter. You have that witty sense of humor too at times, and you certainly aren't scrawny or nerdy anymore...

I guess my first suspicion began when you saved me from the Festival. I asked you who you were and you told me I knew who you were, and then you said that again tonight. There was no mistaking your voice tonight. Then the night you saved me in the alley... Peter, I kissed you and I swore I'd never forget what that was like. Then I kissed you again at the funeral. Did you really think I wouldn't know your kiss? Just because our first was upside down? Peter, I love you and I know your lips now. I know your kiss and it was the same as Spider-Man's. That's what really kept me believing all this time that you were Spider-Man.

Then there was the message you left on my machine." She paused to take a deep breath. "Now, I know I told you before that I listened to it. But I listened to it again today and I heard you and the Goblin talking. I heard him trying to goad you into coming after me. I understood it better this time.

Then the funeral..." she had to stop a moment to gather herself, tears welling anew in her eyes. "I couldn't understand your rejection at all. Now I do... you're trying to protect me and I think that's noble and all, but I don't need protecting, Peter. I need you. I love you." She turned to him, facing him. "I didn't understand why you were protecting me... then it all fit together. The attack the Goblin made on Aunt May, then me, your phone call. He found out who you were, didn't he?"

Spidey looked away, ashamed, unable to say a word in response.

"The Goblin said something to you about being in love with me on the bridge. How would he know that? Unless he knew you..." She sniffled. "Peter, all the pieces fit together. I know you didn't want me to find out. Maybe you even wanted to tell me yourself one day, but I couldn't chance not spending my life with you all on account of you rejecting me because you're Spider-Man.

Even tonight Pete... You told me Spider-Man was hurt today, then you rush outta here... and Pete, I saw you bleeding..." She started to cry harder. "I followed you up to the roof... I saw your camera bag and your clothes... I heard the gunshots..." she stopped, squeezing her eyes shut tight. "I followed the sirens. Then, I saw you saving that woman. And now, after all that, you're gonna tell me that you're not Peter Parker, especially crawling into his bedroom, with his bag of clothes?" She reached out and touched his side. "Bleeding from the same spot." She looked up to his mask eyes. "I'm not dumb Peter, please don't treat me like I am." She reached up, cupped his masked cheek. "Don't shut me out, Tiger..."

Peter's eyes were wet with tears.

He knew that.

His lip was quivering.

He felt that.

His heart was aching for her.

He heard that.

"Mary Jane," he whispered, his voice hoarse. Then was no explaining away everything that she had figured out. There was no way to hide all that he'd let slip past him for her to discover.

"Peter, I knew it was you last night. Why else would I allow you to get so close? Do you really think I'd let my silly crush on Spider-Man come to mean more to me than you do?" She smiled. "Don't get me wrong, I'm glad you're one in the same, but Pete, it's you I love, who I've always loved. It's you that makes me feel safe, protected, cared for. It's you who makes me feel like the person I wanna be. Just like you told me." She caressed his cheek with her thumb. "I had to be sure, so I wanted to kiss you once more, because I knew if I did...I'd know it was you."

He was breaking apart inside his costume, a million slivers of cracked glass with the power of her revelation. Should he let her? Should he bring her into this world? With her so close…he didn't know…he didn't know.

She looked deep into those opaque slots, could feel his apprehension. "Trust me, like I trust you, Pete. You don't have to hide from me anymore."

Peter's hand shook as he reached up, gripping his mask. It seemed like an automatic movement, like his arm was working independently of his brain. He hesitated, then found the seam between his neck and his throat. Slowly, he lifted his mask, part of his conscious mind screaming at him to stop, and the other part forcing him on. He pulled it away slowly, tossing his hair from his eyes, meeting MJ's gaze

She gasped, putting her hand to her mouth, still shocked at seeing Peter under there. Then she reached out to brush his cheek. "There you are," she whispered, stepping in closer.

Peter felt as if he was standing naked before her without his mask on, like the safety of his costume had been stripped away and all that stood there now bare to the world. To Mary Jane. He breathed deeply, scared out of his mind.

But MJ only smiled and cupped his face in her hands. "There's my hero," she whispered a breath apart from upon his lips. Then she pressed her mouth on his and her heart exploded in a swirl of happiness, of relief, of hope…it was all there, Peter was here.

Peter moaned in defeat and wrapped his arms around her like reflex, letting his mask fall to the floor, forgotten. He met her lips gently with his, his tongue found hers as they lavished each other with affection. He pulled her close, crushing her against him, his body crying out to touch her, to not leave any part of him unexplored by her, un-graced by her presence. He never wanted to stop kissing her, loving her.

MJ moaned as he squeezed her tightly, stayed with him until the need for oxygen demanded she pull back a little, to breath. "Peter, I love you."

"MJ," he whispered, forehead resting against hers. "MJ..."

She didn't wait for his reply, pulling his face to hers and kissing him again. She turned them around, pushed him towards the bed.

He lifted her into his arms and they fell onto the bed together, a tangle of limbs and flush embrace and easy wonder. He looked down at the gorgeous redhead in his arms and he felt more happiness than he'd ever let himself feel before. He stroked her hair, smiling so fully his face hurt with the effort.

She sighed happily, stroking his baby face. "I love to see that smile." She traced her hands over the webbed pattern of his arms and his chest, absentmindedly wrapping a leg around his waist. She paused when he hissed in pain, turning over on his back. "Oh Peter, your wound...I forgot..." She leaned over him, a hand on his chest. "Will you be okay?"

He nodded, the pain gone already. "I heal quickly."

"Tell me everything... everything you couldn't tell me at the funeral... How'd it happen? How long have you had these powers?" MJ inquired wanting to know everything. "Who was the Green Goblin? How did you keep it a secret this long? What made you want to save peoples lives?"

The barrage of questions pelted Peter back in time, back to that sidewalk, to that gunshot wound and that robber, and he was suddenly reminded of his Uncle Ben, of all the pain of losing him. He looked over at Mary Jane and knew then, that letting her go was the only way not to lose her. If that made any sense. He'd rather spend his entire life alone and unloved than to spend one moment in world without her in it. He was once again reminded, once again called back to those words that had both haunted and guided him. *With great power comes great responsibility* Suddenly, he sat up frowning. "I can't..." he murmured, voice laced with regret, with fortitude.

MJ sat up behind him, a hand on his scarlet-red shoulder. "But..."

"MJ, no..." he stood up, turning his back on her. "You already know too much..."

"Pete..."

"MJ, I want you to leave." He said it quickly, before he lost his nerve before he could look at her, into those eyes, and forget everything.

"What?" Hurt colored her tone. "I don't understand!"

"I want you to go." Peter willed the tears away. "I want you to leave me alone and don't try to see me again."

"But, Peter..." MJ's lips quivered, and she could hear her heart breaking in her chest. She stood up, reaching out for him.

He whipped around and gripped her wrist before she could touch him. "I said go."

"You don't have to push me away anymore, Peter... I love you and..."

"I don't love you!!! That's why I rejected you!!" he shouted, tossing her hand away. "I never loved you! When will you let it go?! Being Spider-Man is only another reason I can't love you! You got what you wanted; you backed me into a corner. You know I'm Spider-Man, now leave me alone!" he tried putting as much feeling into it as he could, tried to make the worst of lies seem like the painful truth. It must have been more than enough, because he got to see Mary Jane Watson shatter right before his eyes.

MJ recoiled, had felt as if he'd physically struck her, hit her so hard that it shook the very insides of her soul, rattled her bones with the sting of his words. She's have rather fallen a million times off of that bridge if it would mean never having to hear him talk like this to her. Peter would never love her, and now she'd just forced him into breaking off their friendship as well. She was right the first time. No one would ever love her enough to want to be with her. "But you kissed me!" She was grasping at straws now, desperate to make it not true, to keep the one thing that had seemed solid slip through her fingers like grains of sand.

"Can I help it if a woman throws herself at me? What am I supposed to do? I mean, I'm a guy, I have needs, right?" Peter snarled. *Oh God MJ, please don't shatter, please don't fall apart on me.* He had to push her away. It was the only way she'd be safe. From him.

She sobbed into her hand, eyes shut away from the sight of him, but not from the pain. After a second, she nodded, finally. "I guess I was wrong. I don't know you Peter...not anymore...I..." She looked away. "I won't bother you anymore and I won't tell anyone what I know." She couldn't move, couldn't believe this was happening. This wasn't how she'd envisioned this. She'd seen kisses and love and laughter, she'd seen forever, her dreams elevated on the cloud of their love. Instead… she turned back at the bed they'd just been in, that they'd just been kissing upon and then back at him. "You don't mean this... You can't..."

He stood his ground, but said nothing, face grim, countenance stoically passive. *MJ...I have to be cruel, I don't want to, but I have no choice. I have to keep you from being destroyed. Damn it!! Why'd you have to find out!!* He could feel his resolve beginning to fade. He felt himself shaking all over, like his insides were shards of broken glass. He couldn't breath, was choking on the tears he was holding back, was suffocating in the foulness of his own lies. He couldn't say much more to hurt her or he might just beat the crap out of himself.

"Okay, Peter Parker... I'll leave you alone..." she sniffed, voice flat. She headed for the bedroom door, stopped, turned when felt another wave of confidence in his feelings for her. Like she'd felt the unspoken vibe of his true desires, that she knew he didn't want her to believe a word he had said. "I'll never stop loving you, Peter. No matter how you treat me or how much you push me away. I'll always be there for you, I'll always be your friend," she said, unable to look at him directly. She leaned on the door frame, wanted to both laugh and cry at the irony of her repeating his own words to her. "You can chase me out of your heart, but you can't chase me out of your life..."

Peter snatched his mask back up and pulled it over his head. He looked at her through those white slots, through his protective covering, and without a word, jumped out the window.

Once he was gone, MJ let loose the river, sobbed freely, her resolve sinking like her body, to the floor. She'd just lost Peter and Spider-Man at the same time. She just lost everything. She might as well be dead.

Peter didn't go far. He stayed on the outside of his balcony, where she wouldn't see him. There, he let himself cry, cry hard, the broken sounds muffled only by her own grief and the safety of his mask. He'd never forgive himself for hurting her so deeply, but he'd never be able to live with himself if she died because of him. So instead he let the tears fall, let them loose on the thankless city below and hoped that he'd made the right choice.

But far worse than his own tears were hers. Peter couldn't stand to hear her sobs, couldn't bear the thought of how much he'd hurt her. He wanted to let her know they could still be friends; he'd promised her that much, once. Resolved to let her know, he inhaled deeply, tried to steady the quiver of his voice. Then, he jumped up and back into his room. "Mary Jane, I'm sorry!!!"

He didn't need his spider sense to tell him she had left already. Sinking to the floor, he peeled his mask off, tossed it aside.

Spider-Man was no hero that night.

**************

MJ pushed her key into the lock and entered her apartment. Her lips still stung with the feel of his kisses. Closing the door behind her, she ambled listlessly towards her bedroom. She could still feel him, his heart pounding against his chest, his kisses on her lips, his arms pressing her against him. With a pathetic sniffle, she flipped on her small lamp, filling the room with in a soft, 30-watt glow. She could still picture his dimpled smile; he'd looked so happy, so at peace when he'd let her see him, all of him. She sighed, sinking to her bed, crew curious when something crumbled underneath her.

She sat up, picked up the piece of paper she'd been sitting on. When she read it, she was reduced to tears once more.

Courtesy, your friendly neighborhood Spider-Man

She held the paper against her heart and fell back onto her pillows. "Oh, Peter... how am I ever going to live without you?"