A glass bottle shattered on the wall. "Frick you, Nikki!"
"What did I do?"
"Shut the frick up and get out of my house!"
"B- But this is my house!"
"Not any more! And I'll be keeping the racecar bed!"
"NOOO! You can have my house! You can have the stuff I got you! But take my racecar bed, and that's crossing the line-!" He didn't get to finish before she hit him with a bat. Will Nikki escape before that psycho bitch kills him? The answer: yes!
"Come out with your hands up!" "Who the frick are you!" "We're the SBPU: Sexy Bitch Protectors of the Universe. We're here to save Nikki, cuz he's a sexy bitch!" And so, the day was saved thanks to the SBPU!
Jasper walked in and set the tomato on the table. As the family gathered around it to figure out what the hell could have happened to Bella, Edward started whining and crying.
"What happened! Aah I'm so scared!"
Jasper backhanded him across the face. "Calm the frick down, bitch! Get a hold of yourself! Carlisle, assume some authority!"
Carlisle cleared his throat and everyone's attention was on him. After a few moments of silence, Rosalie raised her hand. "Yes Rosalie, what do you think?"
"I think she was probably kidnapped by magic ninjas or were-mice and is being tortured brutally as we speak! MUAHAHAHA!"
Edward looked unconvinced. "Riiiiiiiightttt. What's a were-mouse?"
Esme spoke for the first time in the whole story. "The were-mice are strange creatures with whom we vampires have a long time rivalry with, going back to the fateful day Emmett stole Nikki's iPod."
"Hey he had a shirt that said iPwn so I was jealous and since it would look gay to steal the shirt he was wearing, I just took his iPod. He had some badass music by the way."
"WAAAAAAAAA!" Everyone just looked and blinked.
"Did that tomato just scream?"
"I must run tests on it to find out just what is going on here." And so, Carlisle proceeded to experiment on the tomato/Bella, despite its protests.
Nikki was walking home. He felt great. Two weeks ago, he had finally been set free from that soulless bitch, and now he even had a new boyfriend. Things were looking up for our dear sexy Nikki. Until his boyfriend told him about a poor little tomato that was in danger. Of course, he had to go find the tomato and rescue it. He prepared himself for battle, knowing the vampires would be ready for an attack. He armed himself with a fancy sword and a cape (well, towel, but don't you judge Nikki, god damnit!), and ran off to find the vampires' lair/house.
MEANWHILE AT THE VAMPIRES' LAIR: Edward was hysterical, running around in circles, screaming and flailing his arms wildly. Rosalie and Emmett were given the task of calming him down, which proved to be no simple matter.
"OMG where's Bella Bella's gone oh no FRICK it's over game over, man, game over!"
Emmett laughed. "Did he just say 'omg'? Rose, Rose, he just said omg!"
"I know, I heard it. Now help me damnit!" As she tried to restrain him, he hit her in the face. "Oh. Fuck. No. I know you didn't just hit Rosalie Mother Frikkin Cullen. It's on now bitch!"
"Don't you call me no bitch!" They then proceeded to start pulling each others' hair and saying things like "your makeup makes you look like a tramp!" Emmett could only stare at this horrific sight.
Nikki arrived at the lair and, being polite, knocked on the front door. Alice opened it.
"Hey sexy! How can I... be of service...?" she asked suggestively.
"Umm... hi. I'm uh, here to attack you and save the tomato. So. Yeah. I'm just... gonna attack you now, if you don't mind."
He stabbed Alice and stepped over her and into the house. Of course, no one noticed him because he's a sexy ninja, and he just waltzed down the stairs to the basement. There he saw the tomato on the table, with dozens of needles through it. He was shocked by the disgusting sight and he was on the verge of throwing up. Never in his life had he seen something so horrible, well, except that one time with the vodka and the peanut butter and the glowsticks in that taxi, but still, it was so- Oh wait, haha, pin cushion. Nevermind. So now he continued his search for the tomato. He found it on an identical table with almost nothing wrong with it. He picked it up and looked at it. Then he abrubtly threw it on the ground, where it was all eww. "That's not a tomato, what kind of sick joke is this!"
Everyone heard him say this and ran downstairs. "Nikki! What are you doing here!" Emmett yelled.
"Well I was trying to rescue a tomato, but that," he pointed to the eww, "is a vampire."
"That doesn't make any sense! Look at it! That's about as far from a vampire as anything could be!"
"Nuh-uh, watch!" Nikki magically made some plastic vampire fangs appear and threw them in the eww. "See?"
Carlisle looked annoyed, no, pissed. "Enough fooling around! Now, you there, explain what you mean."
Nikki sighed, and looked down at the eww. "Get up, bitch!" The eww started glowing and turned into Bella.
Edward jumped on her. "Bella! You're alive! I've never been so happy in my entire life!"
"Get the frick off me!" She pushed him down and hugged Nikki. "You saved me! I LOVE YOU!"
Nikki looked scared. "Umm I'm gay and I already have a boyfriend so yeah sorry."
"OH THAT'S OKAY! COULD YOU SIGN MY TITS!" She pulled a marker out from between her boobs and gave it to him.
He blushed. "Umm sure..."
Emmett walked over. "You know Nikki, you're actually pretty cool, so here, you can have this back."
"My iPod?" He stared at it for a moment, then jumped on Emmett. "THANK YOU! OH GOD I'M SO HAPPY!"
"Hey, isn't Alice still dead?"
"Yeah, we'll just bury her in the backyard or something."
And that's the story of Bella, Edward, sexy Nikki, and the tomato/Bellla that was later eww. The moral of the story is shut the fuck up. Thank you for reading, I hope you enjoyed. Please review, I mean you already wasted your precious time reading it so what's one more minute?
