Author's Note: I borrowed heavily from "If You Go Away" which is a translation of the French song "Ne Me Quitte Pas."
Be aware that this section has a Jazzy alert...for all of you who have not yet been educated regarding this particular disclaimer, it means angst is ahead.
More Author's Notes: I am posting the remainder of this novel-length story. You can follow the links at the end of each section. If you have enjoyed this tale, and that applies to all you lurkers out there, too, please feel free to let me know. I appreciate all your positive feedback and kind words. Truly.
Chapter 19
Hogwarts Wednesday, April 23, 2014
Although life went on as if the Death Eaters had not attempted to regain power over the wizarding world by coercing Miranda to use her abilities on their behalf, Andy's life had changed irrevocably. Seeing Miranda again, finding that her feelings were not unrequited, making love to the extraordinary woman, fighting next to her—all had left an indelible mark on her heart. A heart now in danger of breaking.
With her task completed Miranda would soon leave. Will she return? That was the question which echoed through Andy's mind relentlessly. After all that they had shared, Andy did not want to face a future without Miranda in her life. If that meant they must embark on a long-distance relationship until Miranda's affairs were settled in New York, Andy was willing. She would even return to New York with Miranda, if that was the only way to keep Miranda by her side.
What prevented her from sleeping, though, was the very real possibility that Miranda might leave and never look back. It was possible that Miranda would choose to return to Runway and all the trappings of the fashion world. Certainly, that life was drastically different than what the wizarding world offered. Miranda had chosen to live without magic for nearly thirty years. Andy was not confident that what they had shared, what they could share, was enough to entice Miranda to step off the throne of the fashion world and return to the wizarding world for good.
As if that were not enough reason to prevent Andy from restful dreams, when she closed her eyes in the wee hours of the morn, she saw Miranda pushed off the cliff at the battle of Bleaklow, falling to her death. Unlike reality, in her dreams Andy was unable to reach Miranda in time, and she was left to sob over her beloved's broken body while the sounds of battle floated on the fire-tipped winds of destruction.
After five days of separation, Andy felt Miranda's absence keenly. What hope did she have of adapting to not having the woman in her life at all?
This morning she had received an invitation from Miranda via owl for dinner tonight. Not at her home, though. Instead, they would be dining in Notting Hill at a well-known French restaurant. Andy planned to dust off her finest couture and steepest heels for the occasion, hoping to share at least one more night with Miranda, even as she pleaded for more.
And she was prepared to beg.
Not that she didn't have her pride. She was a McGonagall, after all. But, as with all McGonagalls, once she gave her heart away, no possibility existed for her to move on. So, she would do whatever she could to convince Miranda to remain in her life.
She knew Miranda cared for her through the kisses she delivered, the emotions swimming in those mesmerizing eyes, the way Miranda held her so closely while they made love. And after.
The last time they had made love had been at McGonagall Manor after the battle. So tired she could barely walk, Andy had trudged up the stairs to the room where she normally slept while visiting her aunt and had taken a hot shower to remove the blood and grime clinging to her. Then she had fallen into bed, succumbing to her exhaustion. When she had awakened several hours later, she had felt welcome curves against her back and strong arms wound around her waist.
"I wondered when you would wake," Miranda said softly, her arms tightening as she delivered a gentle kiss behind Andy's ear.
"Mmm. Did you sleep?" Andy asked. She still felt tired, but she also felt warm and safe in Miranda's embrace.
"I did. Everyone else retired to their rooms to rest, too. How are you feeling?"
"Much better," Andy answered. She stretched, feeling her muscles pull slightly. "Where's your uncle?"
"St. Mungo's. I plan to visit him tomorrow. Today, though, today I want to spend with you," Miranda said, her hands moving over Andy's skin, causing her body to heat up. Moaning quietly, Andy turned to capture yielding lips.
They had made love for several hours, as if their very lives had depended on it. As if they had realized how fragile life was and how easily they could have lost each other that morning. Or as if they would never have the opportunity to make love to each other again. The passion had burned brightly, each seeking to express herself without word or thought—rather through brushing lips and stroking fingers. Eventually, they had fallen asleep, bodies intertwined and hands held. However, once Andy had awakened, she had found herself alone, a thorn-less, lavender rose on the cold, dented pillow next to her with a note that Miranda would contact her soon.
As each day had passed and no word had come, gloom had settled over Andy. She could not help but think that Miranda was purposefully distancing herself from Andy, preparing to leave. At least Andy had not been idle. Once she had given her statement and registered her animagus form with the Ministry, Andy had busied herself getting ready for her students' return to Hogwarts. School was back in full swing, as the piles on Andy's desk proved.
Over the last few days, Caroline and Cassidy had contacted her telepathically several times while in class. It was clear that this new skill fascinated them, and Andy was the only person with whom they could explore it. The first time it had happened, Andy had been surprised enough to stop lecturing mid-sentence. After a moment, she had realized what had happened and narrowed her eyes warningly at Cassidy, whose wide-eyed, innocent gaze had nearly broken through Andy's teacher façade and caused her to laugh.
Obviously the question, Are you and Mom together now? had been asked to instigate such a reaction.
Not only did Andy feel uncomfortable answering that question when Miranda had obviously not broached the subject with them, but in truth, Andy was unsure what the status of her relationship with Miranda was. When they were together, Andy felt confident that Miranda loved her, but after several days with no contact after all that they had shared, she had no idea what to think. It was incredibly confusing.
She finished her lecture and assigned written class work before sitting down behind her desk. Although she wanted to tell Cassidy to ask her mother, she instead offered, Your mother is a remarkable woman. As for being together, she has many obligations that would complicate any type of relationship.
But you love her, don't you? Caroline chimed in to the silent conversation.
Having experienced this ability to communicate with them both simultaneously during the battle, Andy stemmed her surprise and answered honestly. I do. Very much. But this is not just about me or even just about her. There are other factors.
Not Runway. She's been talking about retiring, anyway, Caroline mused.
She means us, dummy, Cassidy thought. If we return to the States, she'll stay there to help us.
We want to be Aurors. We even mentioned it to Mr. Potter after the battle, Caroline insisted.
We applied months ago. And if we get accepted, we can stay here, Cassidy added.
And Mom will come here, too.
She loves you!
We can tell.
Okay! I, well, thank you for telling me. I want your mom to be happy. I don't want to make this harder on her by making any demands. I— A muffled boom and loud giggles interrupted Andy's thoughts, and she jumped up to extinguish the flames in the middle of a Hufflepuff's desk.
After that conversation, the twins had displayed their puckish senses of humor by thinking all types of thoughts during her classes, several of them jokes that caught Andy off-guard. They tag-teamed each other's thoughts with one telling the joke and the other providing the punch line. It was humorous and endearing. They also slipped in seemingly random, but Andy was sure well-planned out, tidbits about their mom such as how she had cut back on her hours from Runway, how she visited London several times a year, and how she had kept track of Andy's writing career over time.
Are you going to write anymore? You can write a wizarding book!
Yeah! You know so much. You could write a Muggle perspective on magic, or how to master the different wizarding disciplines, or how to become a magical animagus form.
Or you could write your memoirs!
Um, I think I may be a bit too young for that, thank you very much, Andy thought wryly.
Andy grinned in remembrance of that conversation, just earlier today. Focusing on the piles in front of her, Andy admitted to herself that she would not be finishing her marking any time soon. Her smile faded, preoccupied with much weightier subjects than essays on the positive effects of a cheering charm. Sighing in defeat, Andy rose from her desk and crossed through the classroom, intent on getting some air. A walk around the perimeter of the Black Lake might do her some good. As she made her way toward the main entrance, the energy shifted next to her, easing her battered soul with its soothing waves.
Glancing to her right, she was not surprised to find her aunt had fallen into step beside her. Silently they left the school, walking briskly toward Andy's destination. She expelled her breath sharply once they were away from everyone and slowed their gait to a stroll. Andy smiled slightly, grateful for her aunt's company and implicit support. After several minutes of comforting quiet, Andy chose to air her concerns.
"She is going back to New York, and I fear she will not return." There. Now that she had voiced her insecurities, her aunt would reassure her, and Andy would realize just how foolish her fears were.
"Did she tell you that?" Aunt Minerva asked, her brogue reflecting the concern she felt.
"Not in so many words, but she has a life in New York. Responsibilities. And she had told her daughters that she would remain there if they chose to return after graduation. Now that the threat has passed, she will return to that life," Andy said with a sigh.
"When is she leaving?"
"I'm not sure. I haven't actually seen her since the day of the battle. She invited me to dinner tonight, and I fear this may be our last night together," Andy admitted.
"Then make it count. McGonagalls do not give up. You have given your heart to her. Make sure she understands what that means," Aunt Minerva said gently, placing a hand on Andy's arm. Andy felt tears fill her eyes, but she blinked quickly to hold them back.
Nodding jerkily, Andy looked out toward the Black Lake, taking solace in its stillness. It was possible Miranda did not realize how strong Andy's feelings were. Or how strong her own were for Andy. All Andy could do was lay her heart on the line and hope for the best. Squaring her shoulders, Andy nodded again. They turned toward Hogwarts and walked back as silently as they had progressed to the lake. Once they entered the castle, they halted.
"I will have someone cover your classes tomorrow so that you can take some time for yourself," Aunt Minerva said, her emerald eyes kind. "Andrea, you are always welcome here. In fact, I hope you will continue to teach at Hogwarts. If, however, your path leads you back to the States, do not hesitate on my account. I want you to be happy, dear."
"Thank you, Aunt Minerva," Andy said simply with a broken smile, and they parted ways.
Andy arrived at The Ledbury early, knowing Miranda's habit of arriving well ahead of schedule and her aversion to waiting for anyone. She had heard that the restaurant had no bar or even a waiting area so it was not a good idea to arrive early, but then again the restaurant also had a two-month waiting list. Andy anticipated that Miranda's name had worked its usual magic, breaking and remaking the rules. When Andy mentioned Miranda's name, she was guided to a private table tucked away toward the back of the room. A few minutes after she sat down, the atmosphere changed, signaling Miranda's arrival.
Standing once Miranda appeared, Andy made sure not to fidget.
"Darling," Miranda said quietly as she kissed both of Andy's cheeks. She remained close as her eyes raked over Andy's body. "You look exquisite." Miranda's hands, resting familiarly on Andy's biceps, squeezed gently before letting go. Witnessing Miranda's happiness with seeing her, Andy felt reassured. Perhaps her fear that this was the end was unwarranted.
Barely restraining herself from exhaling forcefully with relief, Andy was glad she had taken extra pains to dress for the occasion. She wore a blood-red Chanel sheaf that draped over her curves perfectly and a pair of black Louboutins with its signature red soles. The sleeveless, silk dress had a modest décolletage but a plunging V in the back, emphasizing Andy's muscular arms and back. She had arranged her long hair in a loose bun, allowing several dark strands to frame her face.
The low light reflected off of the diamond studs Miranda wore in her ears, highlighting her sparkling eyes. She wore a teal-blue Rika dress designed by Diane Von Furstenberg, the thin material hiding nothing from Andy's ravenous eyes. "Miranda," Andy whispered in awe. "You...I...you look..."
A soft chuckle interrupted her poor attempt to express just how breathtaking Miranda looked. "It has been a while since you have seen me in couture. I will take your stuttering as your way of complimenting me," Miranda said in an amused voice. Andy ducked her head, embarrassed. Soft fingers whispered again her cheek. "Don't hide from me, Andrea," Miranda whispered.
Andy gazed into eyes the color of the loch near McGonagall Manor on a sunny day. "You are mesmerizing," Andy said reverently. "Every time I see you, I feel overwhelmed. I've always felt that way, I guess, but seeing you here has just, I don't know, it's like you've acknowledged the other half of yourself, and it's made you all the more alluring." Andy shrugged. "I find you irresistible."
"Darling, you must know I feel the same way. As soon as I saw you in your classroom, I knew I couldn't let the chance go by. I had to be with you," Miranda said softly, her fingers cupping Andy's cheek. Andy hadn't dared to believe Miranda would admit her feelings to such an extent. She felt warmth spread through her, quickly followed by relief.
"I've missed you, Miranda. What with my forced bed rest and your work obligations, I was afraid I wouldn't see you before you left," Andy admitted in a small voice.
"Oh, yes. Work. I had forgotten just how paper-happy the Ministry is," Miranda drawled, rolling her eyes. "I have spent the last five days writing reports on the dragons that were under the Curse, how they were affected, the state of their eggs, and any foreseeable effects on the dragon sanctuaries. Honestly," Miranda huffed. "As if there is no one else who can make such determinations. How did they get by without me? Surely there is someone else who knows about dragons. Am I reaching for the stars here? Not really."
The waiter came over to their table before Andy could respond, and Miranda ordered the nine-course tasting menu paired with wine for them. Andy felt her eyes widen. She didn't know why she was surprised, though. Miranda would not settle for anything less than the best. When Andy looked back at Miranda after the waiter departed, she was at a loss as to why Miranda suddenly appeared so somber.
"Do you think so little of me, Andrea, that you believed I would treat you so poorly? That I would slink away in the middle of the night without a parting word to you?" Miranda chided, her eyes shadowed.
"It's not that," Andy said. Andy lifted Miranda's hand and turned her head to gently kiss the palm before lowering it back to the table. She intertwined their hands as she sought the right words. "I know you intend to return to the States. I know you have responsibilities there. I just, Miranda..." At a loss, Andy searched those eyes she loved so much, not feeling she had the right to make demands.
"Andrea. I don't know what to tell you. I left the wizarding world for love, and look where that got me? I had to hide a large part of who I am, and when he found out, he could not adapt." Miranda took a sip of her wine, her eyes far away. "I swore to myself that I would never allow myself to become so vulnerable again, and yet here you are." Her eyes became bright as she squeezed Andy's hand. "You, who somehow got through all my defenses. You, who accepts me entirely. You, who is willing to do whatever I ask. But I can't allow that."
"Miranda—" Andy said, feeling desperation claw through her.
"No, no. You cannot come back to New York with me. You have responsibilities here, not the least of which include continuing to educate my daughters," Miranda said.
Her back stiffening, Andy released Miranda's hand and rasped, "Don't I have a say in this?"
"Andrea, I want to be with you. You must know that. But I have responsibilities."
"Runway?" Andy asked incredulously.
Miranda shook her head. "My girls. If they decide to return to New York after graduation, I must remain there, too. I have to place their needs above mine. Please try to understand."
"For how long?" Andy asked, her mind working furiously.
"I don't know. I was planning to retire in about five years. If they choose to live in the States, I will keep to that schedule. If, however, they choose to remain here," Miranda shrugged. "I could accelerate it significantly, or transfer to British Runway, or perhaps even work for the Ministry."
"If they decided to remain here and I was not a factor, would you have considered returning?" Andy asked. She wanted to know whether her presence made any difference. "I mean, if we had not reentered each other's lives and they found jobs here after graduation, what would you do?"
Waiting with bated breath, Andy watched a myriad of emotions cover Miranda's porcelain face in quick succession. When their eyes met, Andy gasped. The confusion, uncertainty, and pain shining from those blue eyes were emotions she never had expected to see.
"I don't know. I believe I would have remained in the States. Before you, that had been my expectation. But you did reenter my life, and that makes all the difference," Miranda said softly.
Covering Miranda's hands with her own, Andy said in a hushed voice, "Then don't go away. If you do, you might as well take away the sun. Stop the world from turning. Remove all chance of love." Seeing Miranda's anguished expression, Andy closed her eyes for a moment to compose herself. Then, she gazed earnestly at the woman she loved.
"But if you stay. We'll sail on the sun. Make love in the sky as you ride on my touch. I'll talk to your eyes that I love so much, and we'll forget the rest as we communicate without words. Or if you can't stay, let me follow you to the ends of the world. I'll be the shadow of your shadow, if you'll only keep me by your side. But, if you go away..." Andy heard her voice tremble and stopped her begging.
"Andrea, please listen to me," Miranda said.
Surprised to see tears in Miranda's eyes, Andy feared the result of the next few minutes.
"I can't make any promises. Nor do I expect any from you. If the girls return to New York, I do not want you to wait for me. No," Miranda said sternly when Andy opened her mouth to object. "You are young and beautiful, brilliant and powerful. Extraordinary in every way. I refuse to hold you back. You have so much to offer someone, and I want you to be happy."
"Miranda, the last two weeks have been the happiest in my life. I want you. I want to be with you. We can work this out. Just don't say good-bye," Andy tried again. She stopped when she saw the inscrutable look on Miranda's face. She had made her decision.
I love you, Andy thought urgently. She watched Miranda shake her head as if to deny the declaration. Andy opened her mouth, but Miranda's panicked expression and fingers over her lips kept her mute. It was one thing to think words, and another to voice them. They both knew that. Evidently, Miranda did not want Andy to say aloud what her heart was screaming—she loved this woman unconditionally, inevitably, wholeheartedly.
The food came, and they ate quietly, both weighed down by their circumstances.
"When are you leaving?" Andy finally asked in a whisper, dreading the answer, but needing to know.
"Tomorrow. I've already said my farewells to Caroline and Cassidy," Miranda answered.
Andy nodded woodenly. "You'll be back for their graduation?"
"Yes."
"Come back with me now. Stay for the night. If you must, then leave by the morning's cold light," Andy said in a low voice. "I understand why you must go. I do. But Miranda, leave me just enough love to hold in my hand when you turn away," Andy urged. She took a deep breath and stared into shining eyes. "Will you?"
"Yes."
"Yes?"
"Yes."
They left the restaurant quickly, and Andy guided them to the nearest floo. As soon as they stepped into her rooms at Hogwarts, Andy took Miranda in her arms and kissed her. She could feel the desperation, the sorrow, the desolation threatening to overtake her, and she closed her eyes tightly as she ran her hands over Miranda's back. Her moans spurred Andy on, and she wasted no time removing Miranda's clothes with a spell. Despite her raging emotions, Andy made sure to keep her touches gentle, treating Miranda with the consideration she deserved. She worshipped the flawless body, attempting to memorize every inch, every sound, every taste so that she would remember. These were the memories she would visit for as long as necessary—until Miranda returned.
Before Andy dropped off to sleep, she heard Miranda's voice in her mind. I love you, too.
When Andy awoke the next morning, she felt the icy chill of the Scottish air caressing her nude form. Turning over, she noticed that Miranda was dressed and staring out the window at the overcast, dull morning light. Andy said nothing, knowing that Miranda was leaving. She could only hope that somehow her lover would find her way back into her waiting arms.
Ringing for breakfast, Andy rose and wrapped herself in a warm robe. They ate without conversation, their utensils scraping loudly against the plates. Although they took their time, it marched on inexorably, and eventually Miranda rose from her seat. She looked pale and drawn, nothing like the powerful woman Andy knew her to be. It pained her greatly.
Knowing that this farewell was hurting Miranda too, Andy stemmed her desperate words—the begging that pushed against her teeth and knocked against her thoughts. Everything had been communicated already.
Andy watched Miranda remove a small dragon from her pocket and understood that it was her portkey. She breathed in deeply, not wanting to break down. "Kiss me good-bye, darling," Miranda said tenderly.
Without hesitation, Andy stepped forward and held the woman tightly, brushing her lips against moist, parted ones over and over. Words flew through her mind, and she was unsure who was thinking them. What good is love without loving you? I can tell you now as we part. I'll be dying slowly 'til your next hello. Their kisses became more desperate as air thinned and heads tipped forward. Their foreheads rested together, and their bodies heaved for breath while they stood in the circle of a tight embrace.
Miranda took several deep breaths and lifted her head. Tears tracked down her face, but it did not detract from her beauty. "Don't wait for me," she whispered tremulously and stepped away.
Just before Miranda activated the portkey, Andy said defiantly, "I love you, Miranda, and I have given you my heart. I will wait for you to give me yours, for I cannae do anything else." Andy's Scottish accent, all but buried after years of studying in the States, colored her words as strong emotions overwhelmed her. She held her head high and glared at the older witch. After a pregnant silence, their gazes locked, Miranda disappeared.
With a cry of anguish, Andy turned toward the window and stared long enough that the rain glazed the windows and hid what was outside from view. Andy looked around her empty room, full of empty space, no reminder of Miranda's presence to be seen. She sank onto the bed and pulled the heavy blankets over her head, breathing in the proof of their well-loved night with anguish. Was that it? Would she ever hold Miranda in her arms again? Howling, Andy allowed the wretchedness she felt take control. She did not notice how her screams became shrieks or how her howls became roars.
