Beautiful Disaster- Kelly Clarkson

He drowns in his dreams
An exquisite extreme I know
He's as damned as he seems
And more heaven than a heart could hold
And if I try to save him
My whole world could cave in
It just ain't right
It just ain't right

Oh and I don't know
I don't know what is after
But he's so beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster

He's magic and myth
As strong as what I believe
A tragedy with
More damage than a soul should see
And do I try to change him?
So hard not to blame him
Hold on tight
Hold on tight

Oh 'cause I don't know
I don't know what is after
But he's so beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster

I'm longing for love and the logical
But he's only happy hysterical
I'm waiting for some kind of miracle
Waited so long
So long

He's soft to the touch
But frayed at the end he breaks
He's never enough
And still he's more than I can take

Oh 'cause I don't know
I don't know what is after
But he's so beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster

He's beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster

Fading
Beautiful
(Beautiful disaster)
Beautiful disaster

There was a moment when the world had faded to black and the exhaustion of her mental and perhaps even physical anguish had taken hold, forcing her to sleep. She wasn't sure for how long it was or even when exactly it had happened. There was silence when she awoke forcing her heavy eyelids to open. She rubbed at them, feeling the sting crying had caused.

She sat up slowly, eyeing the room. Had everything that happened been real? She couldn't piece together all her thoughts right away and it took her minutes to realize it had all been real, horribly real.

She tossed her covers aside, fighting the urge to collapse back into bed and hide from the world. She had a shift at the diner this afternoon- barring she had not slept through it already. Her eyes found the clock and she confirmed her suspicion. It was well into the late afternoon. She groaned, running a hand through her tousled hair. She was so fired.

Things couldn't get much worse for her. She heaved a heavy sigh and opened the door to her room, walking out in the living room. The quiet filling the apartment told her Gina was either asleep or working. More than likely, she was working as always.

She shuffled over to the table where the answering machine rested. The machine flashed the number five, letting her know there were five messages. She was sure they were all from an enraged Enrique. She smacked the button; sure nothing more could ruin her life or make it any more miserable.

The machine beeped loudly, stating the time and date of the first message.

MJ groaned, leaning her head against the wall. It was New Year's Eve.

"Miss Watson, where are you? Your shift started fifteen minutes ago. Excuse me for interrupting your busy Hollywood schedule but it is New Year's Eve and it is busy!! Get here now!" Enrique's accented angry tone grumbled into the phone.

Then there was another beep and MJ was about to erase it assuming it was another message from Enrique but the sound of a woman's voice stopped her. It was Zolandra's voice.

"Mary Jane! Are you trying to give me heart failure? Where are you? Why are you not answering my phone calls? I have been calling since last night! Will you please call me back? I made some plans and…" Zoey's voice paused. "Crud… Call you back! Call me!"

MJ pounded her head against the wall in protest and the moaned in pain. She was so dead.

The machine beeped again.

"Miss Watson. You officially have one hour to show up for your shift or you are toast!" Enrique shouted so loud it left an irritating ringing sound even after he hung up.

Then came the tell tale phone call, exactly an hour later.

"You are fired, Miss Watson! And don't even think about coming down here groveling for your job back! And don't even think of asking for any references Miss I Think I'm Going to Broadway! Marissa get that table now, double time now, go, go!! And one more thing darlin' if you want your last paycheck you better bring back your uniform or you're not getting paid!" Enrique shouted into the phone in a fit of his usual uncontrolled, rage.

MJ sighed, defeated. The job sucked and Enrique was unbearable but she needed the money and the flexible schedule. Maybe if she told him she was attacked last night and begged enough, he would let her work again.

Even as she continued to think of excuses to tell Enrique the machine played the next message, one for Gina. Then the final message played and it was Zoey again.

"Mary Jane. I am on my way to your apartment. You better be up and dressed when I get there. We don't have much time. I hope you have your luggage at the ready! I kept waiting to tell you, but if you don't leave by tonight, everything is ruined! You're going to LA! As in Los Angeles, California! I got you a part in a soap opera! Get ready girl! The cameras are going to be on you soon enough! Details when I see you. Kiss, kiss!" Zoey rambled on excitedly before hanging up.

MJ stared at the machine in shock, uncertain she heard what she heard. LA? Soap opera? Her?

Her heart started moving in double time and she felt sick to her stomach. This was happening to her! She was going to be on T.V.! Her excitement was making it hard to control the nauseating feeling in her stomach. Sure, it wasn't Broadway, but it was an acting gig and many soap stars went on to become great actors and actresses. But what about her obligation to Emma Rose now? And she hadn't tried out for a soap opera since last year. What was going on? Her head was spinning and she had to sit to make the room stop circulating.

There came a pounding next and she rubbed her temples in an attempt to make the pain go away. However, the pounding grew more rapid and louder. It was then she realized it was the front door. She got up and answered it numbly as Zoey rushed in, a ball of energy.

"Thank God! I was beginning to think you disappeared off the face of the earth! Do you not answer your messages? I am trying to hook you up with this great opportunity here, MJ. It sometimes requires responses you know? I surely hope you want to go to LA because I already committed you to the part. It's a small part, but no walk on. You'll finally get your hat in the ring," then she spun around and stopped in the middle of her words as her eyes finally fell on MJ. "My word… Mary Jane… what happened to you? Are you all right, dear?"

MJ closed the door, then gave Zoey a halfhearted smile. "Nothing, I'm okay."

"Yeah and I'm Julia Roberts," Zoey snorted, reaching out to touch the marks on MJ's neck. "Were you attacked, dear?"

MJ remembered the marks made by Widow Maker's claws and she tensed up. "Yeah… Yes… on my way home from work last night. Sorry I haven't called you back. It's just been-"

"Not to worry, dear. But, will you be up to travel? It's now or never. They need someone for this part as of next week. Filming is done for the next few days for the New Year, but you need to rehearse and learn your part, run your lines…" Zoey went off again in a burst.

"Zoey, I don't understand. Hold on a second. How did I even get the part? I didn't try out for any soap opera. I don't have enough money to fly to LA or a place to live. Isn't this all sudden? What about Emma Rose? Don't I have a commitment to honor?" MJ wrapped her arms around herself, suddenly confused and a bit frightened by what was happening to her life.

Zoey chuckled, then cooed, taking MJ's hands into hers. "Oh darling, I thought you were ready for this? Innocent Mary Jane, this is the life of an actress, be ready or run for your life. Don't worry about money or a place to live. The soap is going to fly you out and board you in one of LA's finest hotels! If everything works out you can take up residence nearby if you choose to stay in LA or your contract extends. You're signed on for the next three months to play a charming, innocent young woman on Secret Hospital! Albeit not the classiest of soaps, I know, but it is a start! And as for Emma Rose, they loved you so much; they're willing to follow you to LA to do the photo shoot. As a matter of fact, Roxanne Chambers, head of Emma Rose, thought it was a great idea to shoot in LA on the beaches, sun and surf, tan bodies…"

"I'm as pale as a ghost Zoey," MJ interrupted.

"Not to worry, that's why they invented the tanning bed, darling. The life of a soap actress is filled with pros. I bet they even have a bed on set. Anyway, Emma Rose will work out a schedule with Secret Hospital to do their thing. Don't you worry your pretty little head about any of the details. That's why you have an agent!" Zoey bounced in place. "And I will be with you every step of the way. I'll be in LA with you for the first few weeks, help you get settled and make sure all is well. Then I will fly back out with Emma Rose when the photo shoots begin."

"But, you still haven't explained how I got the part on the soap?" MJ couldn't help but smile, sinking onto the arm of her couch, completely flabbergasted.

"Your picture's been out there for months now, MJ. I faxed over the pictures you gave me the other day once they expressed some interest in you. And, I know, I know… you said you won't sign on to anything that only picks you based off of looks, which was why I sent out some of your work. They loved the tape we made of the rehearsal for that part in Elmo Cartigan's play, 'Hearts to Roses'. You were just what they wanted, a fresh young face with talent. So stop questioning why this happened! You're extremely talented and vibrant, MJ. Although, you look like death right now, no offense…" she grinned. "Nothing a little touch up make up can't fix!" she squeezed MJ's hands, genuinely happy. "All your dreams are coming true MJ, you just have to wake up and let them happen!"

She smiled in return, allowing the truth to sink in. Her dreams were coming true, just not all of them…

The morning paper's headlines read: Black Widow Killer Dead

Peter clenched the paper in his hand tightly as he sipped his third cup of coffee. He scanned the vague picture splashed on the front page. It was of the abandoned building he fought Widow Maker in, ambulances and cop cars in the background and cops at work on the scene. The credit for the picture was to Eddie Brock, with more pictures on page five. He flipped open to page five; looking at the pictures Eddie took on the scene. Some were of the building, some were of the cops and there was one of paramedics putting the Widow's body into the ambulance. There was one final picture of Widow Maker that he took himself the night she almost killed him.

He had not taken any pictures of his own last night. His fear for MJ was his only concern and he had not set up his camera. Even if he had, he was too close to the situation. His sorrow for her death and his part in it made selling pictures of their brawl seem distasteful and wrong. Amber had problems and she needed help, and even though he knew he tried, he still felt responsible. As he had also felt with Norman's death. Though, neither of their deaths were directly his fault, he was still a part of it.

He flipped back to the main page to read the article the byline said was by Ned Leeds. They ran tests on the body using dental files to discover it was Nancy Baker. Her body was too badly marred and burned not only from the electrocution she received but from the broken veins filled with black widow venom to identify. Ned went on to uncover how Nancy was responsible for the murder of others in the years past and how after all that she changed her name to Amber Dieson. Surprisingly enough, he even mentioned her brief work at the Bugle. Peter surmised Jonah would rather have it out there than dug up by another paper and used for exploiting the Bugle for hiring criminals. Betty's attack was mentioned and the countless murders Amber had committed in the past few weeks. Ned went on to explain what he could about the venom, about how she used needle-like claws to jab through the skin and release the venom. But there was not much anyone could say about how she sustained the venom inside of her or why it had not poisoned her own body and killed her. All he could write was pending autopsy they were clueless. He concluded with the thoughts that if there was such a thing as Spider-Man or a Green Goblin or a giant Rhino, why not a woman who was really a Black Widow spider, filled with poisonous venom.

Pete supposed that was as good as an answer as the public would ever get. He was sure the real answer to Widow's resistance to the poison being magic or black magic was not going to be acceptable to the public. But there would be no one to give this explanation in any case. So, it was likely, the reasons would go unanswered, chalked up to the same unanswered questions about his alter ego and the fore mentioned.

A small column boxed in the corner on page five was written by J. Jonah Jameson. Peter groaned in frustration as he began to read it. Jonah went on about how this Widow Maker was probably related to Spider-Man and how they had been spotted together and that he was no better than she turned out to be.

Peter tossed the paper onto the counter in anger, refusing to read on. "Way to go, Jonah. Always find a way to knock Spider-Man down. Always a bad guy never the hero." he grumbled, finishing off his cup of coffee.

He was tired beyond words. His body ached all over. His head was pounding in protest. And his heart was in the worst shape of all. Every cup of coffee made him about five percent less tired than he was the cup before. He'd slept fitfully for about four hours before he had given up. He paced and thought and paced a bit more. Was he right in the decisions he'd made? Should he have banished MJ from his life? Could he really handle never seeing her again?

He ran a hand through his short hair and groaned in anguish. He was torturing himself going back and forth with his decision. He missed her already and he longed to pick up the phone and make sure she was doing all right. She was like a toxic drug to him. He needed to have her in his life. Cutting her out completely was like going to be next to impossible. But, he would just have to find a way.

And what better time to start than with a new year on the horizon. He flashed back to the conversation he and MJ had just days ago about what his new year's resolution would be. Back then, he dared to hope he could find a way for them to be together. He even allowed himself to be around her, and forget his reasons for keeping her at arm's length. All it took was knowing even for just for one second, that he was responsible for her life being put in danger, once again. That's what it had come down to in the end. No matter how much he wanted her, and she him, there was nothing he would not do to keep her safe. If it meant hurting her, it would be worth her being safe.

Besides, how long could she possibly be upset with his decision? It was not as if they were ever a real couple. She would find someone new, someone more deserving of her love and attention. He couldn't possibly be the only person who could make her happy. Heck, he wasn't even sure he could. MJ had always been this unattainable dream; someone he treasured and envisioned as a person on the highest level, forever remaining out of his reach and out of his class. He would just take away from that. He would taint her with his less than perfect life. He had nothing to offer her; he was simply just unworthy of Mary Jane Watson. Many things had changed for him over the years, but that was one thing that remained the same, he was just no good for her. Whether he was nerdy, scrawny, Peter Parker or the man who led two lives, both completely out of his control and one part extremely dangerous to him and those around him. If it meant pushing her away and treating her the way he had last night, than so be it. The sooner she realized that too, the better she would be for it.

"Zoey, how am I supposed to pack up my whole life in a few short hours? Especially with you hounding me over my shoulder?" MJ sighed, exasperated. She tossed some of her shirts into a large suitcase on her bed.

"MJ, I told you to just pack what you need for now. We will send someone from the office to gather the rest of your belonging and put them in storage. How much stuff can you possibly need?" Zoey called from the bathroom, helping her pack her belongings.

"Loaded question," MJ snorted, allowing herself to grin a little. Her life was changing like a whirlwind tornado just picked her up and hadn't dropped down on the world yet. She was afraid if she stopped to think about it, she may not know what to do. She couldn't help to wonder what Peter would think of all this. She fought with herself to call him and share the news, but he had made it quite clear that they couldn't even be friends any longer.

"Oh, don't worry about your roommate. I cut her a check from the office to cover this month and next month's rent. That should give her plenty of time to find a new roommate," Zoey came out of the bathroom with a smaller suitcase full of products.

MJ smiled at Zoey, glad now more than ever she had someone watching her back. Someone she could trust and would never take advantage of naivety. "Thank you so much, Zoey. What would I do without you?" she leaned over and hugged the dark haired, woman. She squeezed her eyes shut, blinking back tears. She suddenly became so emotional. The roller coaster of emotions she'd been riding for the past few hours was beginning to catch up to her.

"Hey, hey… easy there darling!" Zoey pulled her away, searching her face. "MJ, are you sure you're all right? Look at you, you're crying. What's wrong dear?"

MJ wiped at her eyes, gritting her teeth together. She was determined not to cry any further. She sighed, giving Zoey a steady smile. "Nothing, it's just a little nerve wracking, you know? What if I blow it? I'm just nervous. I have to say goodbye to everything here. It's all a little scary."

Zoey rubbed her shoulder caringly. "Well, don't you worry. I will be with you every step of the way. You are not going to blow it; you are going to blow them away! It's ok to be scared, use that fear and turn it into something productive. Okay? On our way to the airport we can make a few stops and say goodbye to your family. Queens is on the way to JFK anyway. It'll be fine. We just have to hurry up a bit here." Zoey checked her watch.

MJ looked across the room at the clock. The time read: 6:56pm "What time is our flight?"

"I got the last flight out, had to pull some strings at that. We lift off twenty five minutes after midnight. Just enough time to celebrate one last New Year's Eve in the city. I promised my beau I wouldn't miss it. He's the sentimental kind. Trying to hang on to him, his type hard to come by, if you know what I mean," Zoey chuckled, elbowing MJ in a teasing manner.

MJ gave an expected smile, although she didn't feel like smiling at all. While she was happy Zoey would have time to say goodbye to her boyfriend and ring in the New Year with him, she couldn't help but feel envious, and a bit angry. Though, the anger was directed towards a certain wall crawling jerk. She couldn't wait to get out of NY and as far away from Peter Parker as she could.

Maybe then, she could finally get past his rejection and move on with her life. A fresh start in a new place, finally doing what she longed to do. Sure, it wasn't her ideal job, but as Zoey said, she has to start somewhere.

She turned, packing more clothes into her suitcase. "I can't wait to get to LA. It's going to be great." she said aloud in a convincing tone. She turned back to Zoey. "I just have one stop we have to make on the way."

Time was running low on MJ when the car Zoey rented pulled up to the street corner. She promised Zoey to be only a few minutes, slamming the door behind her. She rushed up to the door, peering inside. She knocked on the window, getting the attention of one of the occupants.

She got off the steps and waited on the walkway, rubbing her arms to keep warm. She turned when the door closed behind her. She smiled, going to hug her mother. "Hey Mom!"

"MJ, what's all the hubbub about?" she hugged her daughter quickly.

"I just wanted to tell you I'm leaving New York for awhile. I got a part in a soap opera in LA!" MJ smiled, hoping her mother was proud.

"Honey, that is great! Wonderful news!" she grinned proudly. She turned around, looking in the window to make sure her husband was still fast asleep. "When do you leave?"

"Tonight. Now, right away, actually," MJ brushed some of her hair behind her ear nervously. What if her mom thought it was a bad idea? What if she needed her to stay?

"Oh, wow," she replied, shocked. She quickly smiled and touched her daughter's shoulder. "That's terrific, Mary Jane. I am so proud of you. Send me postcards, all right?"

"Really? You're ok with this?" MJ fidgeted with her hands, unsure of her mother's words.

"Of course," she chuckled. "Mary Jane, you haven't needed your mother's opinion for years now. You have always made decisions for yourself. Why should now be any different? This is big for you! You need to do this, and for no one but yourself! Go on! Get out of here and knock them dead!"

MJ smiled, hugging her mother once more. "Thanks Mom. I'll call you as soon as I can." she looked back at the house. "Say goodbye to Dad too, huh…"

"I will," she patted her cheek. "I know he'll be proud of you too, in the end."

MJ looked back at Zoey in the car. Time was short and she had one more goodbye to make. She hugged her mother once more, then ran across the lawn and up the steps to ring the doorbell of the house next door.

A moment later, May Parker opened the door with about one of the brightest smiles MJ ever saw a person give.

"Mary Jane! What a surprise!" May grinned. "Come on in, child! It's frigid out there!"

MJ stepped into the warm home and smiled at the older woman with love. "Hi Aunt May."

"I'm so happy you stopped by. But, dear… Peter isn't here," she told MJ, a bit of confusion in her tone.

"Oh, I know…" MJ tugged on her scarf, trying to put her words together. "I came to see you, actually."

"Oh, land sakes, child. You're too sweet. It's New Year's Eve though. Shouldn't you be out celebrating? Maybe with Peter, hmm?" May hinted with a giggle.

MJ avoided eye contact with the older woman. Of course May thought they would be together, after Christmas and all. She wouldn't have time to discuss or come up with excuses as to why she and Peter weren't together or spending the New Year together.

"Aunt May, I came here because… I got a part in a soap opera and I wanted to share my good news with you. I know you've always supported me," MJ started, but May interrupted her before she could continue.

She gasped in excitement, gripping her chest. "Oh my! That's astonishing darling! Wonderful! I am so happy for you Mary Jane! Congratulations!" she hugged her quickly. "I knew you had it in you! I bet Peter is so proud of you. You know dear, he just adores you. I bet he has never been happier. He has always thought the world of you. Such good news! It's good to hear all this good news for a change." May rambled on, full of joy.

MJ bit her lip to keep from lashing out about Peter, but she loved him and thought so much of him, she couldn't break him down in front of her. She smiled, chuckling a little as she put a hand on the woman's shoulder hoping to quell her excitement just a bit. "There's more." she paused. "I leave for LA tonight."

"Oh…" the excitement was let out of her like air in a balloon. "Well, that's… so soon? On New Year's? What about Peter?" May frowned, worried her nephew was going to spend this time hurt and alone.

"Well… I have to leave right away or I lose the part. It's an opportunity I can't pass up. It won't be forever. I'll be back," she nodded, trying to convince herself more than May. LA may be her new home. "As for Peter," she grimaced afraid to tread further. This was going to require an explanation. "He doesn't know I am going."

May's mouth dropped open and the look of shock was all too much for MJ to bear.

"I know that sounds terrible, but it's for the best. Peter and I… well Aunt May, there really is no Peter and I…"

"Did you two have a fight? Are you not speaking? MJ, this is no time to go away if you and Peter are having trouble-"

"Aunt May, I'm sorry. Peter and I are… Just friends… That's all we've ever been. I know it seems wrong, but it's true. I need you to do me a favor and promise you won't say anything to him tonight, okay? Please? I hate to put you in this position but its best if he just doesn't know." MJ sighed, looking at the time over May's shoulder. "I'm sorry, I am. I have to be going."

"Mary Jane, I… I don't understand child…" May replied, stunned into place.

MJ hugged the woman and gave her a final smile. "Thank you for everything. I really have to go, goodbye." She made her way to the door.

"Mary Jane!" May shouted.

MJ turned back, even as Zoey honked the horn.

"Keep in touch, all right?" May pleaded.

"Of course. I will call you soon," MJ smiled, then disappeared out the door.

May stared at the door for a long time after Mary Jane left. She was a mixture of sadness, confusion and happiness. She didn't understand what happened between the lovely girl and her nephew, but she couldn't help but be happy for her all the same.