MEG'S DIARY
Dear Diary,
This is my first entry in six months since I've turned my life around after that traumatizing experience on the bathroom scale. There was that, and the time I tried out for amateur night at the Men's Club.
Cutaway
Joe: "Sorry Meg, I've just received a call from an anonymous tipster and I've got good reason to charge you with indecent exposure."
Big Daddy V (speaking through tears): "Oh, it was terrible! I may never be able to look at a strip joint in the same way again!"
End Cutaway
After that, I felt I had no choice but to descend into the bulimic lifestyle to get rid of my muffin top and fit in with Connie and everyone else. Of course, nobody bothered to inform me about the negative side effects until it was almost too late. Thank goodness Brian and Chris happened to be watching A&E one night and caught that Intervention episode. I was sent off to a posh resort for two months and now I've become the proper type of health nut! I'm now at a good-looking 110 pounds and I'm not embarrassed to wear a halter-top now!
A strange thing happened just as I left the resort; I finally caught up with Mom for the first time since she blew the roof off in that fit of rage.
Cutaway
Meg: "Come on lady! This isn't a funeral procession! (honks horn) We can certainly tease the speed limit in a parking lot!
(Lois turns around)
Meg: "Oh, hi Mom! Heh, heh! For a moment there I had you confused with…"
Lois: "Sigh…I've heard worse than this. Well, ever since your father has been permanently confined to the institution, you can see that now I've become the poster girl for Victoria's Big Secret. I take it you didn't catch the all-time highest rated episode of Intervention the other week?"
Meg: "I take it I'm taking over as the mother of the house now?"
Lois: "Just remember, no liquids for Chris after 8pm!"
End Cutaway
My "Everyday Workout" program has become an instant hit that even Tom Tucker back in Quahog is plugging it from the other side of the country! Some say it's because of those really tight outfits that I wear, but those girls are just jealous. Those are also the same girls who wish that they could have my hot new South American boyfriend.
Cutaway
Meg: "Huggy wuggy!"
Fernando: "Huggy wuggy!"
Meg: "Oh Fernando, I could sure use your help for some upcoming mid-terms! Perhaps we can play another game of Strip Study?"
Fernando: "Well, I do need to brush up on my Math skills. We can start off with some "subtraction" and hopefully some "division" at the end of the night if all goes well! Meet you at my dorm at eight! (blows kiss)"
(spies look on jealous rage)
Clover: "Alex, I could sure use those gloves right about now!"
Alex: "Sorry Clover, Mandy asked very nicely if she could use them for something very important."
(Scene: Mindy holding Quagmire in a full nelson)
Mandy (screaming at top of her lungs): "Give me one good reason why I shouldn't beat you to within an inch of your life! My hymenorrhaphy cost me $10,000 so I could restore my virginity! What do you have to say for yourself?
Quagmire: "Please don't kill me! I'm too young to die! I'll do anything to work off all the money you spent, you name it, I'll climb the highest mountain, swim the deepest ocean!"
Mandy: "Anything…hmmm?"
(Scene: Bev Hills XXX Theatre)
Quagmire: "Oh ladies! Thank you, thank you! You're going have me do promotions? Work the projectors?
Mindy: "Oh yes, you will be working here all right!"
(Mindy hands Quagmire a mop and bucket)
Quagmire: "What are those for?"
Mandy: "You are taking over janitorial duties inside the theatre and you're not leaving until everything is spotless!"
Mindy: "By the way, here's your entertainment while you work! Enjoy!"
(girls walk away cackling heinously)
RAINBOW EXPRESS ENTERTAINMENT PRESENTS: GREEN BAY FUDGE-PACKERS!
Coach: "The team is running short on reserves! I'm going to need you new recruits to improvise!
(actors speaking all lispy)
Actor #1: "I'll take over as quarterback!"
Actor #2: "And I'll be tight end!"
Coach: "Now that's the kind of initiative I'm talking about! Let's hit the showers!"
Actor #1: "OOOOHHH! Could our luck get any better?"
Actor #3: "Yes! The schedule has come out; the Chicago BEARS are coming to town next week!"
Quagmire: "Uhhh…girls…Peter…someone unlock the door!"
Brian finally got his book published and has been running a successful tour in California and the Northeast. His book seems to have developed a cult following in other areas of the world.
Cutaway
Sheik Adnan (English translation): "What do you mean you have not bought your copy? The Islamic Republic News says it's the #1 bestseller in the past three months! This book is everything you need to know about the evil Republican agenda!"
Sheik Mohammad (English translation): "But Sheik, you do realize this author is an actual dog?"
Sheik: "Well that makes him no better than the average American, does it?"
Mohammad: "Point taken!"
End Cutaway
Overall, with Mom and Dad no longer around to wreck my life, things can only get better from this point forward…except we still have no clue as to where Stewie has been.
DING DONG!
Chris: "I'll get it!"
(opens door)
Stewie (now 65 years old): "Well, glad to be home with my LOVING family who's SO CONCERNED about my safety and well-being! Couldn't even take the time to post a single missing child ad in the neighbourhood? You only had 65 BLOODY YEARS to show me that you gave a damn about the welfare of your little brother! Oh, bloody hell, wake me up in a few hours and have my dosage of Geritol ready by then, if that's not too difficult a task for you!"
