I had my friend beta this for me so it was fine before but I might have accidentally deleted the wrong document…ya, fucking idiot I am. But I'll replace this ch when its all done up again. But I thought you might like it now. Im soo sorry you guys!

Disclaimer: I don't own twilight...but I do own a dirty little world were the characters like to play....you'll see it one day..... if your nice.....

"Bella! Bella hey, wait up a sec!" Alice came over to the end of the street where I was walking away from the house.

"Bella , please wait..." I stopped figuring she would only keep harassing me if I didn't.

"Hey Alice..." I sat down on the pavement motioning for her to sit down with me too. She sat down and looked up at me from under her lashes.

"Bella , I know you not...happy with us right now. Any of us. But...do you think you could maybe , I don't know , try to .... I don't know." the look of tears in her eyes that we both knew would never shed was like kicking a wounded puppy.

" What is it Alice? I may not be...happy with you guys at the moment , but it doesn't mean that I hate you...you can still talk to me. I hope you can anyway." She looked up at me from behind her hair , laying her head on my neck and shoulders she sat down more comfortably...in my lap. She was so small that she actually reminded me of a little girl.

The fierce protection I felt for her was overwhelming , I couldn't find the energy to summon a negative response , to reprimand myself for caring so much , at least so soon. Like they had never left me at all. Like I was still only cut and bruised ,maybe a little broken ,not completely destroyed. There was nothing now that could change my mind of the fact that no matter what I loved the Cullens...all of them, the problem was is that I didn't feel that they deserved my love. Its a precious thing , my love, and if they wanted it so badly before then why had they left me to the wolves? Hmm?

There was nothing that could be explained or justified by their actions. Nothing. I don't care what their excuse is. It was wrong , after saying all they said to me they shouldn't have done what they did. actions speak louder than words , isn't that a major lesson in life? Don't we learn that all the time, maybe even every day. Don't the teachers tell children that in all different grade levels , all different school s not matter what time , place or predicament? Well? Where the hell were they when the rest of the world learned that fucking lesson? The smell of sulfur filled the air just as Savannah pulled back the window form the latch and poked her head out of one of the second story windows , silently telling me to cool it.

My defenses were weakening around Alice as she took my hand in hers and place them in her lap , then on her cheeks and her eye lids.....she looked like a broken porcelain doll much like what I would think I had looked like after my change. Although I had never really had the desire to look in the mirror after I had changed so for about 3 years I hadn't seen what I looked like , I only imagined. And when I thought about it , I only wanted to gouge my eyes out and cry.

There was nothing special or pretty about me , nothing perfect , nothing godly. I was a freak vampire just like I was a freak human. Only now I couldn't deal with my problems the way I normally would , instead I would only break the knives and razors , my nails didn't really work the way I wanted them too and no one would dare touch me in a way that was harmful. There was no way out of the emotional pain , it was all physical. There was no way out of it . What a shame I'd become, I wasn't worthy of anyone's attention or affections , and yet here I was trying to blame it all on the Cullens. The very fact that I couldn't hurt myself was not their fault , albeit if they hadn't of gone then we wouldn't have this problem now would we? Nooo.

I couldn't blame them for that though , and deep down I knew it , but I wasn't exactly being rational right now , there was nothing rational about how I felt at this point in time, there was nothing to hold me in sanity , I'd already left that plane a long time ago. There was nothing I could do about the past and that scared and frustrated me. I was a creature of assurance and security , if I didn't have it , I couldn't function , I would kill for it , it didn't matter. I had become a very primal creature as well , loosing all sanity when I was fighting , I fought to kill. There was no stopping me once I was started.

These weren't just things that the venom had done to me , enhanced them maybe , but before my human life had ended I was slowly being eaten away at , it was sad but it was true , there was a lot that I could see now as me slipping.

" Can you ever forgive us Bella?" she whispered to me. Looking down at her I wanted to say "yes.' But I knew it would be a lie.

" I don't know Alice....it still hurts too much." I settled for.

" Will you tell me...what happened after we left?" she asked

" Maybe Alice....one day...maybe." carefully I lifted her up off of my lap and set her down on the concrete floor.

" You get some rest." I kissed her cheek and started to walk away.

" Where are you going?" she didn't move just stayed in the same position I left her, as if she moved I would disappear completely. Maybe I would , I couldn't be so sure that I wouldn't.

" To take care of some stuff. Don't worry , I'll be back before school. Maybe I'll even talk to you guys later." I tried to offer up the best smile I could , in the circumstances I though it was pretty good , maybe it wasn't what I had thought , but she seemed to accept it after a moment.

*****

The run took a little longer than I thought it would. I was expecting to just get there place flowers and come back. I don't know why I wouldn't want the extra time away from the Cullens , but for some reason I didn't want to stay away, I felt like something was going to happen . Not to brag but my feelings are always accurate , saved my ass more times than I care to count on following instinct alone. The gates opened with creak just as they had done the day I first came here , there were spots that were worn into the ground from the repeated footsteps. I didn't need to look twice to see they were mine. I knelt down on the rain dampened earth. My hand dragging across the surface.

" I miss you you know... I don't....I don't know what to do anymore mom. I just feel so lost. Is it possible to love and hate someone at the same time? Can I really be feeling anything more than anger towards him? I cant....I wish you were here. It would be so much better. We could go everywhere mom. I would take you shopping! We can go to together...right? You'd like that, right? You'll come back if we do more stuff together right -?" All I wanted was her to come back , I'd move heaven and earth for her, I'd do whatever she wanted! I will. I can! Really, I would. My body wracked with tearless sobs. To feel the release I had once taken for granted . You cry everything out , to just feel that again....

I felt the arms wrap around me , I smelled the disgusting breathe in my face , there was nothing that could take away the realness of it from me.

"Marry me Bella." his lips at my jaw.

"Stay with me Bella"

There was nothing I could do to stop him. I had been a human then. Fragile and pathetic. I couldn't have protected myself. There was nothing I could have done against him.

Ill take care of you bella.

Like I wanted him anywhere near me, his voice echoed in my head like a million drums in a closet.

Isn't that what you want?

He cant...he shouldn't be able to hurt me like this. Why? Why can I still feel him on my skin if he's gone? My breathing became erratic.

"Why?" I screamed into the air.


EPOV

I paced around the house that Bella had left. There was nothing here that appealed to me, I only wanted Bella around so I could at least try and build up the courage to talk to her. She was going to be increasingly difficult , I knew that without Alice's warnings and the visions Alice had earlier today.

There had to be something I could do to win her trust back , I couldn't just not try. I knew that , as Alice had so kindly pointed out, I hadn't exactly acted up to par. I know I may have been a little overwhelmed but still , I should have controlled myself properly. Really , I'd had plenty of years to practice so why was it all falling apart lately? Was it the shock of finding Bella ,not only alive but a vampire as well? What ever the reason was I shouldn't let it get to me , I should always remain calm and collected. My phone buzzed the caller I.D. saying Jasper flipping it open I barley had time to breathe before Jasper was stringing off curses and dry sobs.

"Whoa , Jasper. Please calm down , I cant help you any if I cant understand you."

" She's gone Edward. I don't know where she went. We were feeding one second , she screamed and , she just... gone! Edward we have to find her , she cant be out there on her own." Jasper was heaving in unneeded breathes as his voice rose with his worry.

" Its fine Jasper. We'll find her. " It didn't sound right , he would have heard or even felt anyone that had been coming close to them.

" Just come on in and let us deal with it." I said.

Carlisle had already come in and was informing the others about Alice's disappearance. I heard that savanna girl talking on the phone to who I could only assume was Bella. They agreed on something and she hung up. Jasper made his appearance in about 5 minutes.

"Carlisle?! ," he screamed ,"Carlisle? what are we going to do?"

Carlisle came up from the basement were he was talking to several of the others , some went off in their own direction and out the door while Rose tried to push Emmett out of the door.

" But I want to see her hurt him!" he whined.

I groaned ,holding the bridge of my nose with my thumb and forefinger there was only one person that would want to hurt a "him" who was undoubtedly, me as Emmett thought of money figures and what looked like a mannequin me turned to wood chips.

" Thanks Em" I said.

Either he didn't find the sarcasm or he just found the whole situation funny because he laughed looking positively joyous. His mind filling with useless thoughts about how much he was going to be making off of me. I was about to turn around and reprimand him when I came face to face with Bella.

" I'm not happy about it , but I'll do it." was all she said as she walked out. Looking around the room lost I looked to my family and then to where she left.

" Follow her you idiot." Jasper said.


"It doesn't help me any when your yelling at me you jerk!" she shouted.

"What the fuck Bella? I'm the jerk? I've tried to apologize to you! You just don't want to hear it!" I yelled back.

"God, you know Alice was giving me shit because she said you were beating yourself up over all you had done to me? Ya , I didn't believe it then , and there is no way in hell I'll believe it now! Like you are actually capable of feeling anything but sorry for yourself! God! None of this would have happened if it weren't for you!" Alice , why couldn't she just keep her fucking mouth shut when I asked her to?

Apparently the whole family [both of them , once you start interfering in my love life you automatically become family. Unless I kill you , but I don't think that would get me in Bella's good graces. Not that I really felt like it at the moment] had thought it would be a good idea to send both me and Bella into the woods to pick up some kind of trail from Alice. "Get your problems worked out" they had said. She hadn't spoke to me the first 20 minutes. The worse 20 minutes of my life. To have her send me about a thousand death glares , and not talk to me. At the time I had wished she would at least snap or yell at me or something...now , not so much. I don't know if I don't prefer her noiseless glaring.

"Me? Me? Your blaming me? Because I really wanted her to get kidnapped? Right? That's what your saying isn't it? That I wanted my little sister , whom by the way I have known longer than you to be taken by some freak? Ya , real nice …real nice Bella. Very mature." my sarcasm wasn't helping but she was being completely infuriating.

"Don't talk to me Edward you don't deserve to." she sneered.

"Don't-? Oh, are you serious? God Bella thanks for setting that out for me , Id have gone through life thinking I could compare to you!" I raised my hands to my chest.

"Obviously there is no comparison Eddy because I would never lead a poor innocent naive girl alone the way you did , for God sake , I loved you!" getting up in my face .

"So did-"

"Don't give me any of that "So did I Bella , I really did love you" bull shit like hell you loved me , it was just a matter of time before you got what you wanted , then you'd just up and leave ." she cut me off....she fucking cut me off.

"Oh ya? So if all I wanted to do was get in your pants how come I never did? Hmm? I mean I would have plenty of times to do it ." She gave me a look as if to question my sanity.

" Oh don't even deny it!" I could just see the blush rising in her cheeks.

"You were simply tired of waiting too long , you had better things to do ...as I recall you told me." Damn it.

"Well...your here now....what's to stop me now?" I got closer to her. The tension in the air was indescribable , Id never felt anything like it, it was a mix of all the sexual tension and the anger we held toward both ourselves and each other.

The way she got all riled up when we fought. the way she clenched her hands. It made me madder and yet more aroused than id ever been in her presence.

it wasn't something that i was expecting. she took in deep breathes seeming to calm herself. when she turned away it was like a string had broke. whatever had been holding me to sanity was split and gone.


bpov

i had been excepting him to leave me alone. that was the impression he was giving off. i was never wrong. never. it wasn't a possibility to be wrong. i don't think i could have been more surprised if i tried.

he had caught me off guard. completely. he turned me around to face him and pushed me slightly.

" why do you have to be like that?" he snarled.

"the fuck? i have to be like that like what? your the one whose being all-"

"all what Bella? all i want is for you to forgive me. Is that so horrible to want? am i that low in your book?"

"hell yes your that low , what do you think this whole thing has been about-"

"then why don't you say it Bella , say what you feel , what you think of me...the truth, right now."

"that's what I've been trying to say , oh the past 10 minutes if you'd quit cutting me off you might know that. but i guess I'm not that important. you think you can just run over-"

"not that important? you think-"

"see?! this is what I'm talking about! you keep interrupting me-''

"only because your interrupting me."

"shut up for a second okay? you want to know how imp feeling?" with a curt nod he gestured for me to continue.

" I'm pissed....I'm mad ,a and your a fucking coward.....a coward Edward. you just....i hate you-"

" and i don't know wh-"

"shut up! this this is why! you treat me like a child! I'm not a child edward. you maybe an old man but I'm not a baby. you cant-

"old man? old man? did you just-"

"yes now if you interrupt again I'm gonna kill you. You left that day and you never looked back , well you know what while you were probably screwing some whore i was back in forks....dealing with my shit. I had a fuck's time too. you have no idea what happened after you left. id of thought you would have at least had the guilt to help me out...but you just left me high and dry up there."

" i didn't know-"

" like fuck you didn't know. you knew about mike and Charlie. I told you about them...myself! its not as if you had to find out another way. i was there. i told you , and then we told all your family together. i thought you guys cared for me. i thought...but it wasn't true was it?''

" it was true Bella , we do care about you. its just i didn't want-"

" Didn't want me anymore? you wanted some whore in Alaska. i get it."

"god , this is what this is about? Tanya? you think i left for Tanya?"

" i know you left for her. she was a fucking knockout. who couldn't."

"i wasn't for her at all....i left to protect your ass."

"you. You left to protect me? whata load of shit that is. you just-"

"what? couldn't wait to get in your pants come on Bella , be smart. be the intelligent women i know you are , if -"

" you know? you know? you don't know i am anything....you don't know me!"

our bodies seemed to be vibrating almost against each other. i hadn't realized how close i had gotten to him. it was unnerving. very unnerving. like having an electrical current pulse through you. my

fingertips were almost hurting with he force of it.

it was like being struck by lightning , not that I've ever been touched by it before but it was being with Edward all those years ago...tenfold.

our lips crashed together and the force of our bodies connecting made a thunderous sound. i pushed him away moving him into one of the trees that surrounded us.

he bent the whole thing , that fucking thing had an impression of his body the earth cracking beneath him. i felt like I was attacking him when I lunged forward.

his hands grasped my hips so hard I hissed out a breath and snapped my teeth at him. he lifted hi eyebrow but didn't seem to have much more concentration than that.

his hands were everywhere at once. groping and digging into my skin like a knife. it hurt but it felt so good. I wanted to scream and cry at the same time. my pelvis rocked into his hips making me shake.

I couldn't do it , I couldn't hold it , my body was shaking and my eyes were screwing up. I couldn't control any of by body functions. a small frustrated scream left me as he stripped me of my clothes.

I was helpless to do anything but tare at his shirt like he was tearing at my pants. clothes were shredded an drown everywhere and anywhere. I didn't know where and to be honest I couldn't pay attention. I didn't want to get lost like this , it was a helplessness that I didn't know but desperately wanted to.

"Bella...Bella...."

"stop talking" when he opened his mouth again....I didn't realize...I just reacted.

I slapped him....hard. I almost instantly felt bad , instinctively but then the satisfaction I felt from it was beyond what I thought id ever feel again. I let out a breathless chuckle. I slapped Edward Cullen. and it felt good. oh so good.

although I probably should have thought about how Edward would have felt because he stilled to a stone. his eyes held a dangerous gleam in them that I couldn't recognize , for a second I was scared. I thought he might kill me even but instead of anything I expected he turned us so I was pushed into the falling tree. I ground myself into his body feeling the heat come off of him in waves. my knees were bent but he pushed them apart with his own and settled into my body like I was settled into the bark. he was so close, I stopped breathing for god only knows how long. He was right there. so close yet so far. his tongue peeked out of his lips in concentration. the wait was killing me. my nails racked down his bare chest. his hands carefully pinched at my skin. my head fell back when he brushed my bare breasts.

I pulled on his head, jerking it back with an almost audible snap when he smirked at my moan. the bark cracked and fell in little splinters as he pushed his face onto my body , his lips trailing from my neck...down my collar bone....my stomach.

his nails dug into my thighs. My breathing came out in a hiss. my hands pulled at his hair almost pulling it out of his head. he grunted when I pulled his head almost to the floor.

"I hate you." I hissed out.

"Bella-"

"shah.." I took his lip gently into my mouth....and bit down as hard as I could. there was little pop and I felt venom rush into my mouth. the burn of his venom made my eyes water and my brows furrow. I sucked tasting the velvety apple taste.

"fuck" he readjusted himself and with one ragged movement thrust into me.

I lifted my hips to meet his. it was painful at first but it was good. I felt the bones crushing turning into the little splinters that were falling off of the tree. Edward groaned and pushed harder into me. the bark was scratching into my back , I almost laughed at the thought of it hurting. Not to say he wasn't hurting me. but the pleasure was off setting the hurt.

my body began to wind up in itself my legs going around his waist while his hands came up behind me. pulling me onto him further than I thought was possible. the cords in his neck were pulling tight , his mouth was clenched tight but his breathing was as erratic as mine, my whimpers were pathetically loud and my voice was strained when the band popped and my body fell limp against his.

I don't want to know how long we stayed there laying...holding each other. I wanted to say it didn't matter , that nothing that had passed between us mattered .but it did. not matter how hard I wanted to try to deny it my heart was always his to hold but I couldn't. and I knew that what we just did was either the stupidest for the best thing we, I could have ever done. but I wasn't just going to let him walk all over me. and I wasn't going to just walk away.

" I think Alice is going to be a little upset when she finds out." he said.

" what? that we fucked instead of finding her?" did he regret it already? I felt sick to think about it.

"no....that we ripped up all her brand new clothes in the process."

I looked around and sure enough , the clothes we had once been held in , were shreds of unrecognizable material all over the forest floor.

Well , I knew exactly how to gain Alice's forgiveness. I smiled at the thought. instead of inuring Edward , I was going to teach him a lesson. im sure Alice wouldn't object...she'd be the mastermind behind all this probably anyway.

so tell me how horrible that was , because I have to say that was probably one of the worst lemons id ever written. I have to say vie done so much better and this was,....a disappointment. let me know. ill definitely have to use the better one in here soon. I liked that one alot better. I sorry that I haven't written in such a long time , it wasn't just step's death , bless her soul, because I was able to get more inspiration after thinking about her, it was the fact that I went to my aunts....ya , the one that was all supportive of my writing. she banned me from

1- twilight

2- black

3-writintg

all in her house...so I wound up not staying there or my dad's I hightailed it to my Grammies....technically x Grammies....since my step mom and dad aren't together anymore , but I love my step mother to death and without my grandmother this year id of probably off'ed myself. so there you go. that's the shortest version Ive ever talked about. have fun ya'll , I hope you like the ch... school starts again on the 10th of august.. I have orientation on the 4th and 5th. yet! ill be back soon because my WB is slowly underlining.

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