ROLLERCOASTER
-x-
Risk Reduction
-x-
'Tasha.'
'Tasha…?'
'Tasha.'
She stirred a little, still half asleep. 'Mmmf?'
'It is five minutes before 2300 hours.'
'That's nice,' she mumbled into her blanket.
'I have to be on the Bridge shortly.'
''Kay.'
There was a momentary pause.
'Tasha.'
'What?' she grumbled, dozily.
'I appear to have mislaid my uniform.'
Tasha opened one eye to a shock of rather a lot of white skin in the darkness of her quarters. Data had managed to retrieve his socks from wherever it was they had been flung, but apart from that his apparent search for any other clothing had evidently been fruitless.
She'd done it again. Dammit! How had she done it again? She rubbed at her eyes.
'It is possible that you are lying on it,' Data continued, apologetically. 'Could you please check?'
Tasha propped herself up, discovering that she was not lying in her bed as she had assumed, but on her floor next to it, supported by several cushions hastily pulled from the bed and wrapped in her blanket… as well as, she realised on further inspection, one medium sized, man's Starfleet stretchsuit.
'Sorry,' she muttered, passing over the crumpled uniform. 'It's a bit mussed.'
'It is certainly better than nothing.' He dressed speedily and ran a comb that he had found next to her bed through his hair. 'Will that suffice, do you believe? I do not look particularly dishevelled?'
Apart from a couple of creases, he looked just as neatly angular as ever. She wrapped the blanket around herself again, wishing that there were some ground beneath her that could swallow her up. 'I'm sure nobody'll notice.'
Data hastened towards the door. 'It is unfortunate that, yet again, I must depart for the Bridge so shortly after copulation has ceased…'
'What a shame,' replied Tasha, so quietly beneath her blanket that she wasn't sure whether or not he could hear her, 'that we have to miss out on such delightful Pillow Talk…'
'Perhaps we should discuss this matter at a more convenient time,' Data added, stepping out of her quarters. 'I shall see you in the morning.'
The doors shut, and he was gone. Tasha curled into a foetal ball, the palms of her hands pressed flat over her screwed-up eyes.
'No,' she breathed to herself, 'no, no, no… you did it again. Again! What possessed you this time? Stupid, stupid, stupid…'
She pushed her hands through her hair, opening her eyes up yet again, and caught sight of a black, shiny object protruding from beneath her bed. She sighed, resignedly, and reached to pick it up, then groped further beneath the bed until she had retrieved the object's counterpart. She picked herself up off the floor, straightening herself out and wrapping the blanket around her like a shroud, and carried her findings over to the other end of the room, reaching the door just as she was alerted yet again to a visitor wanting to come in. The doors opened to reveal Data once more; looking, if Tasha didn't know better, almost embarrassed.
'My shoes…' he managed, before Tasha held the mislaid footwear in question out for him. With a hurried 'thank you', he took the shoes, and dashed off in the direction of the Turbolift. Tasha turned back into her quiet, dark bedroom, pressed her forehead hard against the nearest wall, and groaned.
-x-
Riker was glad to catch Tasha on her way to the Bridge… 'catch' being the operative word. She was walking so fast that he had to break into a light jog in order to close the gap between them, and seemed oblivious to his calling her name. In the end, he had to put his hand on her elbow in order to alert her to his presence and try to get her to slow her pace to a more genteel stroll. She recoiled nervously from his touch like a startled cat before she realised that it was him. Even then she didn't particularly relax. Will winced inwardly. He couldn't say that he blamed her, after the last couple of days. He wasn't terribly thrilled with himself at that present moment, either. It was a relief that Data had shown understanding of his actions, as well as those of the powers that had forced his hand. He only hoped that it wasn't too late for Tasha.
'Do we need to have a talk?'
She glanced at him for a moment longer before turning to walk again, slower, this time. 'I don't know. Do we?'
He sighed and followed her, wondering which was the best way to tackle the issue. Official business first, he decided. 'You've been making some pretty strong comments about Starfleet lately, Lieutenant…'
'Not about Starfleet as it stands, Commander,' replied Tasha, testily, 'my issues with the tribunal have been noted, and I stand by them.' She paused. 'There may have been a few things that I said off the record, in the heat of the moment, but…'
'Everybody's entitled to their opinion, off the record,' Riker told her. 'And, off the record, I have to admit that I agree with you. I'd have to add that I was very glad somebody got angry about it. Off the record. But, if the hearing has made you unsure in any way about continuing to give your all to Starfleet, then I really have to know, sooner rather than later.'
'Had Maddox been permitted to go through with his plans,' replied Tasha in a tone that seemed strangely over-rehearsed to Riker, 'he could have tapped an immense potential for advancement in military technology. It could have brought the Federation light years ahead of our rivals and aggressors. But Louvois rejected all of that on Starfleet's behalf, for the sake of an individual's well-being. Simply because it was the right thing to do. I can't think of any other organisations that would show the same amount of integrity.'
Riker offered her a soft smile. 'Me neither.' They reached the Turbolift, and came to a stop as they waited for it. The Chief of Security's tense, detached expression didn't falter as she jiggled on one leg, arms crossed tightly across her chest. If anything, she looked even more anxious than she had moments ago. Riker's face fell. There were still some personal matters to clear up, after all. 'I've already apologised to Data about my involvement in this,' he told her, quietly. 'I guess I owe you one too, Tasha.'
'You were just obeying orders,' Tasha muttered.
'You left pretty sharply after you gave your testimony,' Riker began, watching Tasha gaze down at her feet in discomfort, 'so you wouldn't know quite how much the atmosphere of that courtroom changed after what you'd said. That's when I started to believe I could lose.' He paused. 'That it took such a personal, private testimony to swing the case is… it's a disgrace.' The Turbolift had arrived, and was mercifully empty. Riker stepped inside, followed by Tasha, her eyes still cast away from his. 'When I realised that that was the level we'd come down to; intruding on yours and Data's sex life… frankly, Tasha, I was horrified.'
Tasha blinked up at him, a little confused. 'That was why you were horrified?'
'Of course. It should never have come down to that, but it did… at a Starfleet tribunal, for pity's sake. It's appalling.' He squinted at her expression. 'Why? You didn't think I was disgusted by… by you and Data?'
Tasha bit her lips together. He could see that she was still embarrassed, but there was a smile there now as well – a little, twinkling, self-mocking smile in her eyes and the corners of her mouth. He grinned, gladly.
'I mean, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't surprised,' he continued, happily, 'but I've known stranger couples…'
'We're not a couple,' Tasha replied, quickly.
'Oh, yes,' Riker replied, as casually as he could muster, 'of course. It's "complicated".' The concept of Data being in a Complicated Relationship tickled him enough for him to have to bite down a giggle.
Tasha narrowed her eyes at him, semi-seriously. 'See, that's why I wanted us to keep it quiet.'
Riker straightened out his face as well as he could. 'I apologise. Everything you said at the hearing will, of course, be treated with the strictest confidence.'
'Well, good.'
'We needn't discuss the matter ever again, if you don't want to…'
'I don't want to.'
'OK.' There was a brief pause. Still, Riker fought the urge to beam at her. 'No one'll judge you, you know. He's a perfectly nice…'
'Clearly,' interjected Tasha, archly, 'I've fallen into some sort of Parallel Dimension where "I don't want to talk about it" means the opposite of what it's supposed to.'
Riker shrugged genially, holding one hand up in the air in apology while miming zipping his lips shut with the other. Still, Tasha glared at him; genuine annoyance sharpening her superficial playfulness.
'You think it's sweet, don't you?'
Riker shook his head, his lips still clamped shut by his invisible zip.
'Stop thinking it's sweet! It's not sweet!' Tasha paused, with a frown. 'Tell truth, Will, it's a mess.'
Riker drew breath to reply, just as the Turbolift came to a halt.
'And that,' added Tasha, stepping towards the doors as they opened, 'really is the very last I want to say on the subject. Understood?'
'Understood.' Riker followed her out onto the Bridge, watching her breeze past Data on her way to her station. The couple - or whatever-it-was-that-they-were – practically brushed one another as the android marked the change of shifts by moving from the Captain's chair to his usual post, but breathed not a word of greeting to one another; barely so much as made eye contact, save for a fleeting moment of acknowledgement that Riker would never have noticed had he not been looking for it. Tasha looked back at Riker, deliberately. He gave her a brief nod.
Understood.
-x-
There were plenty of things that Tasha Yar was very good at. Waiting, if she was to be perfectly honest with herself, was not one of them.
Her shift had ended almost two hours ago. Data, with whom she had desperately needed to have a Serious Discussion ever since he had hurried off, shoes in hand, for the start of his shift on the Bridge the night before, was still hard at work in Engineering, and wasn't showing any signs of coming off duty at any time soon. Such were the perils of becoming personally involved with somebody who never fatigued. She had tried getting some combat practice in on the Holodeck, but her lack of focus had caused her to be thrown to the floor one too many times for her liking, and she'd given up before it had come to shuffling shame-faced to Pulaski with a dislocation or a fracture. An inability to concentrate had made studying equally impossible. Her feeling of dread about the upcoming conversation had dulled her hunger, so she couldn't even eat to pass the time. She certainly couldn't sleep; she was jangling with anxious energy. In order to avoid just sitting in her quarters contemplating – since she recalled only too well where that had led her the night before – she had decided to go for a jog.
The gym was deserted. She didn't ask for any music to be played, but listened only to the thump-thump-thump of her feet on the treadmill and her own fast, hard, regular breaths. She was glad to find that the repetitiveness of her movements and the sounds of her body working in time with the running machine had the effect of steadying her mind a little, and she relaxed into the rhythm of the run. After she had been running for around 20 minutes she became suddenly aware of being watched. Without slowing her pace, she glanced over her shoulder to see who it was. Deanna Troi was loitering close to the door, half-heartedly toying with a hand-weight, as though she just so happened to be thinking of a workout herself. However, Tasha knew her friend all too well. She knew that the expression on Deanna's face was one that she only ever had moments before asking somebody if there was anything on their mind.
'Come to do some late-night bicep curls?' Tasha enquired, breathlessly. 'Careful you don't break a nail.'
Troi made no reply. She merely smiled a little, and turned the small weight over in her hands.
'You're not fooling me, Deanna,' Tasha continued. 'I know why you're here.'
Still, Deanna made no response.
Tasha came to a gradual stop, then stepped off the machine, towelling the sweat from the back of her neck.
'All right. So maybe I do have something on my mind. But it's private, OK? It's none of your business.'
Deanna put the hand-weight back. 'Tasha, you're incredibly distracted at the moment. I just spent all day with your guilt, your embarrassment, your regret, your anxiety and directionless anger… it's been difficult enough for me to focus on my work today with all those feelings rushing around, let alone you…'
'Are you suggesting I'm not fit for work?'
'No. Not at all.' Deanna perched on a bench press. 'I just think it might be helpful for both of us if we have a little chat.' She paused. 'I know that you've having an affair.'
'Who've you been talking to?' Tasha snapped. 'And it's not an affair…'
'Tasha,' sighed the Counsellor, 'I wouldn't discuss this with anybody behind your back. I just know which emotional signs point towards somebody being sexually involved with a person that they know they shouldn't.' She laced her fingers together. 'I can tell that it's making you miserable, and, although your counterpart is better at keeping it from me than you are, I imagine he's feeling pretty awful about it too.'
Tasha rolled her eyes, wiping down her face with her towel. 'Don't count on it…'
Deanna leaned in towards her friend, lowering her voice conspiratorially, even though they were still alone. 'It's Worf, isn't it?'
Tasha giggled a little into her towel. 'That big lug?'
Deanna raised her eyebrows. 'It's not…?'
'It'd be like kissing my brother. Nice try, though.'
Deanna sat back a little. 'It's somebody who was on the Bridge with us today. That much I was able to tell. I'd know if it was Will. Geordi wouldn't be able to hide it from me. Same goes for Wes, thankfully…'
'That you feel the need to eliminate a child from the list of people I could be involved with just does wonders for my self-image,' Tasha replied.
'Darling and Kotowska…' Deanna continued, 'well, unless you've had a recent change of sexual preference without telling me, I don't think either of them are your type…'
'Please stop, Deanna. This isn't a game. Why do you need to know? What difference does it make?'
'I just think that maybe whoever-it-is might want to talk things over with me, too.'
'I'm sure he'll let you know if he does.'
'Not if he's worried about keeping it a secret, he won't,' Deanna retorted. 'Who's left…?' She paused, counting off those she had eliminated internally, and deflated a little, sadly. 'Please, please tell me it isn't the Captain.'
Tasha couldn't help but feel a little upset by the disappointment in her friend's tone. 'Would it be so bad if it was the Captain…?'
Deanna gazed back at Tasha with worried eyes. 'I can tell that this affair is inconsistent, chaotic and terribly unprofessional. Between two senior crewmembers it's serious enough for me to feel the need to intrude on what I know is a private matter, but between a Starfleet Captain and one of his senior officers…? It could cause both of you a lot of…'
'Stop fretting, Deanna. It isn't Picard.'
Deanna breathed a small sigh of relief. 'I didn't think it was in keeping with him,' she explained, 'but I really don't see who else it could be once you've…'
Tasha watched her friend grind to a stop as she realised who she'd missed. Deanna's eyes widened into dark circles of surprise.
'No.'
'Once you've eliminated the impossible,' Tasha quoted, quietly, 'whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.'
'No!'
'I'm afraid so.'
'I…' Deanna blinked a couple of times to herself. 'I didn't even realise that he did…'
'Take it from me; he does. With gusto.'
'That's why you were so distressed about the trial,' Deanna breathed.
'I was distressed about the trial because it was wrong,' Tasha replied. 'And, I'll admit, it reminded me more than a little of The Bad Old Days back on Turkana IV.' Tasha slung her towel around her neck, and leaned her back against the gym wall. 'I care about him the way we all care about him. We're not lovers, Deanna. I'm not sure that I'm any more capable of succumbing to romantic love than he is, if truth be told.'
'You must find that very reassuring,' Deanna replied, softly.
'Don't twist my words, Deanna,' Tasha sighed. 'It's not as if I deliberately sought out a man who couldn't love me so I could feel safe…'
'…I never said that you did…'
'We made a mistake,' Tasha continued. 'When he showed up at my quarters last night, I… I had convinced myself that he was never coming back, and I was just so relieved… I just… it's like my brain went on vacation leaving my hormones in charge…'
Deanna just gazed up at her, sympathetically.
'Well, I guess it wasn't just relief,' added Tasha, 'I think, maybe, with the trial and all I kinda saw myself in him – objectified, trying to keep a grasp of dignity, fighting to survive – I felt a kinship. Maybe I just wanted to feel it a little deeper.'
Tasha paused. Still, Deanna just watched her.
'It was more than that,' Tasha admitted, eventually. 'It's something that's been on my mind, on and off, for a long time now. Not an attraction, so much as a… a memory of attraction.' She paused, again. 'The first time was a year ago. The Tsiokolvski Virus.'
Deanna blinked. 'A whole year?'
'You remember what it was like,' Tasha replied. 'To me, it was as if… as if all these walls came tumbling down. I forgot who I was, just for a few hours. I lost myself. And it was… terrifying.'
'I know how much you rely on your defences.'
'The most truly terrifying part about it, though…?' added Tasha, dropping her voice to little more than a whisper, 'I enjoyed it. I really enjoyed it. And I'm not just talking about the general sensations of losing inhibitions here, I mean, the actual… I mean, it was… because, he doesn't…' She trailed off with a cough, and tried starting again. 'That's the problem. It's all very well writing something off as a stupid mistake, but when you still keep finding yourself reliving it a whole year after… that's not right.'
'It's perfectly normal to reminisce about old lovers, Tasha. And a particularly enjoyable sexual encounter can stay with you for a very long time.'
'But I didn't just think about it, Deanna. I went back for more.'
'You're acting as if he had no responsibility in the matter. It was his decision as well as yours.'
'I knew that he wouldn't say "no",' Tasha admitted, softly. 'I knew that from before. Whether it's his programming or his manners… I knew he was a sure thing. I could do it again, if I wanted - easy. And again, and again… He has no desires, no demands, physical or emotional. And you were right – I do find that comforting, in a way… I mean, if he has no feelings to hurt, than what harm can be done…?'
'If that's the case,' Deanna replied, 'then why do you feel so terrible about it?'
Tasha paused for a moment. 'Because I know it's the wrong thing to do. Picking someone up and tossing them aside over and over… just because he makes it easy for me to do so, it doesn't mean that I should.'
'So then, what are your options?' Deanna asked. 'Can you see yourself attempting a romantic relationship with him?'
Tasha snorted a short, sad laugh. 'I can't see that working, can you?'
'No,' Deanna agreed. 'You are two people who call for very specific levels of attention, and right now I don't think either of you is able to provide the other with that.'
'You don't think I've got the patience that he'd require.'
Deanna gave her friend a slight shrug of the head. 'And I know he doesn't have the passion or understanding that you'd need.'
'I agree,' Tasha replied, objectively and unhurt.
'So then…?' Deanna prompted.
'It's been obvious from the start,' Tasha sighed. 'Nip it in the bud, and for good, this time.' The door to the gym opened again, and a trio that Tasha recognised as junior Medical staff stepped in, chatting amongst themselves and heading towards the Yoga mats. Tasha stuffed her towel under her arm and pushed herself away from the wall. Following her cue to leave, Deanna lifted herself primly off the weight machine.
'I'm glad we talked,' added Tasha, under her breath.
'Really? It doesn't seem to have alleviated your anxiety.'
Tasha shrugged slightly. 'Still have to have the talk with him, haven't I? It was bad enough trying and failing to do it the first time; I felt like I was kicking a puppy in the face. This is going to be awful. Just awful.'
-x-
She didn't have to wait much longer. By the time she reached her quarters, Data was already at her door.
'Good evening, Tasha,' he greeted her as she approached. 'I have just under an hour to spare before I am due again on the Bridge. I was wondering, if you were not planning on sleeping yet, whether we might be able to discuss the events of yesterday evening, and the ramifications of…'
'You'd better come in,' Tasha interrupted, sweeping past him into her quarters.
She didn't sit as she waited for him to follow her inside, nor did she indicate for him to take a seat once the door had slid closed behind him. She folded her arms, nervously.
'Deanna knows.'
Data raised his eyebrows. 'About us…?'
'No, Data. About the mystery behind the abandonment of the Marie Celeste.'
His face crumpled in confusion. She stopped herself, reminding herself that his difficulty with irony made the use of sarcasm in conversation with him both pointless and unfair.
'Of course, about us. I haven't been very good at keeping my emotions in check lately, and… let's just say, sometimes I wish you weren't the only person round here with an "off" switch.'
'It must be difficult to keep such emotive issues from an Empath,' Data reasoned. 'We were probably fortunate for our previous tryst to have remained undiscovered for so long.' He paused. 'Commander Riker and the Captain are, of course, also aware of the sexual nature of our relationship, following your testimony at the hearing. Perhaps we should inform our other close acquaintances. It seems unfair that Picard, Riker and Troi should have knowledge of our relationship but Geordi, for example, should not…'
'We're not going start going around telling everybody,' Tasha replied, sharply. 'I don't want people to think we're something…' she sighed, softening. '…something that we're not.'
'You believe that the others would misinterpret the nature of our relationship?'
'Data, I don't think even we have a true understanding of our relationship.' She paused, watching him. 'I don't want to have an amorous relationship with you.'
'That is probably most wise,' Data nodded, flatly.
'And I don't want to have sex with you any more.'
'That is also understandable. If I may be candid, your sexual approaches prior to, and following the trial came as some surprise to me. I am still unsure as to your reasoning.'
'Join the club, Data, we've got badges.'
'"Badges"?'
'Turn of phrase.' Tasha paused again. 'Data, I don't partake in sexual intimacy very often at all, these days. Since the Tsiokolvski Virus, I've turned down some very lovely young men on Rubicun III and did an admirable job, if I may say so myself, of resisting Lutan's charms. But last night, I desperately wanted to recapture what we had last year, and I still don't really understand why.'
'Perhaps you wished for sexual congress with a partner with whom you were already familiar.'
Tasha shook her head. 'It wasn't anything that rational. I lost control, Data. I don't want to lose that control again.'
Data pondered what she had said for a moment. 'Do you wish for us to continue once more as if "it never happened"?'
'Try to ignore it again?' Tasha managed a small smile. 'That didn't exactly work last time, did it?' Her face fell again. 'And I really don't want to go back to the way things were back then. The awkwardness, avoiding you all the time… I'd miss you.'
There was a momentary silence, in which Tasha almost expected Data to reply that he would miss her too; but of course, he didn't.
'Dammit,' she sighed. 'We were doing so well. We were becoming good friends, and I had to go and ruin it.'
'I am equally responsible for any damage that this latest experience has caused to our friendship.'
'Are you, now?' Tasha murmured, unconvinced.
'On your Birthday,' Data continued, 'you told me that you saw Wonderland as a fresh start for us. Perhaps that is the point in our relationship to which we should return. Those at the trial may now have knowledge of its existence, but I do not believe that that makes it any less private.'
'Or any less special,' added Tasha, quietly. 'Do you think, Data? Do you think we could go back to being like that again? Not ignoring what we did, but acknowledging it – using it. Learning from it. I think I'd like that.'
Data nodded. 'Very well. Perhaps we can schedule a session on the Holodeck at some point tomorrow.'
Tasha was about to answer that that sounded wonderful when another idea struck her. 'You've still got just under an hour free, right?'
'I am due on the Bridge in forty-eight minutes.'
'Well, that's enough time for a quick visit, isn't it?'
'You wish to go now?'
'Sure. Why not?'
Data pondered her question, momentarily. 'I have no objections to that. Let us go.'
'Great.' She took a couple of steps towards her door, then stopped, and turned to him again. 'Thank you, by the way. Thank you for making this so much easier than I thought it was going to be.'
Data seemed to be a little perplexed by her statement, but proffered her a courteous 'you are most welcome' anyway.
She turned again, then stopped again. 'Data?'
'Yes?'
'You don't feel… used, at all?'
'I do not feel anything.'
'Right,' she nodded. 'Of course.' And then, wondering why his last statement had caused her to feel more depressed than relieved, she stepped back out into the corridor, closely followed by her friend.
Just her friend, and nothing more.
