Caution: This chapter (to some) may be a little graphic. Strong langauge and a bit of adult content (no sex...but kind of some sexual references.)
"We should probably turn back now," Sam said. They had been out for a while now. Allie nodded and they both turned their horses back around, heading for camp. Allie quietly examined her surroundings, feeling a little anxious, Sam did the same. Their conversation seemed to have died...somewhere close to the Gold Dust ranch property line. Sam made sure not to cross hit-hence suggesting they head back.
The sun warmed her back and she closed her eyes relishing it. Sure, it was probably about ninety degrees, but she always preferred the heat to cold. So this was heavenly.
"My dad died when I was three," Allie whispered quietly. Sam wasn't sure if she imagined her speaking or if she really had, seeming like the best thing to do, she stayed quiet.
"He was a cop. Mom said that he got called in late one night, there had been a shooting. I guess when he got there he somehow, uh, got in the middle of it," she fiddled with Popcorn's mane never looking at Sam. "The guy who was responsible for the shooting never actually left the scene, my dad was the first one there, the guy who had been shot was dead, a bullet into the head."
"At the time my dad was still pretty novice. He tried to get out and help the guy but forgot to check the perimeter...he was shot," she wiped her face and Sam felt her heart rip—Allie was crying.
"Three times. When the back up got there he was still alive...but he eventually died on the scene. I didn't know him, I try to remember him but I always come up blank," she gave a little hiccup. "My mom was devastated. Neighbors said she went crazy, we had no income, our house was foreclosed on, and by the time I was six my mom was a drunk."
"I wore the same clothes everyday, I was tormented in school, and I was an outcast. My life was a miserable blur up to eighth grade. By then my mom was addicted to crack. She was a crack-whore. Every time she needed a fix but didn't have the money for it, there would be a man over, some stranger that I didn't know in our house...touching my mom—it scared me...it still does," she was shaking and I pulled Ace up; she did the same with Popcorn.
"I'd eat probably once a week. Then that's when the stealing began, I was just so hungry, I had to do something. So I'd go to convenient stores pick off a candy bar here, a bag of chips there, sometimes a soda for a treat. I barely made passing grades, I tried really, and I just didn't have time to study and take care of myself...and sometimes my mom."
"Some how my mom learned of my stealing, so surprisingly enough, she had me stealing alcohol for her. That was tricky and I hated it. I hated feeding her addiction but I couldn't refuse...or well—I was punished," she gave a violent shake and Sam thought she might fall out of the saddle. She didn't. But Sam grew sick. Punished how?
"Of course I started stealing clothes, especially since high school was coming. I wanted to enter it differently, I wanted new clothes, and I didn't want to be the weird kid. I wasn't expecting my new clothes to draw her attention—or anyone's. But it did."
"Most guys that came to see her, did what they wanted, and left. No one really bothered me. Until, this year. My mom brought home some guy, that wasn't unusual, but this one was odd—and not because he was a druggie. They went to her room and I went to mine, played some music to drown them out. I still heard my mother scream, it was something scary."
"I grabbed a knife that I kept under my mattress and rushed out of my room to the sound of breaking glass and my moms screams. I was so scared, I wanted to run and leave my mom, but even though she treated me something awful I couldn't, she was my mom," Allie rubbed some snot from her nose, tears running down her face silently.
"My mom ran into the living room and into my view, she screamed for me to help her, and that man came out from behind her grabbed her hair and smashed her face against the coffee table. She fell silent and I began screaming—I thought he killed her."
"He heard me and started coming towards me. I ran back into my room and tried to lock the door but he made it there before I could. He pushed it open so hard it knocked me to the floor. With no where else to go I just started begging him to leave me alone...to just leave," Allie choked on a sob and Sam wished they weren't on the back of horses right now. She just wanted to comfort the girl, to take away her pain and past horrors.
"He grabbed the back of my shirt dragging me to my feet; I swung at him with the knife but only managed to graze his arm. He threw me on the bed and pinned me there. I screamed, kicked, spat, bit...anything to try and get him off of me. His nasty hands began touching me and I fought harder; hitting him finally with my elbow. It was enough for me to wriggle my arms free from his grasp; I punched and pummeled his face until I could get out from under him. I climbed across my floor and grabbed the knife," she took a shaky breath and let out another sob.
"He was furious. He came for me again and I jabbed the knife into his stomach. Blood—oh God—the blood was everywhere! It soaked my clothes, my hair, and my carpet. The knife was a big butcher one I had snatched from a restaurant; I knew it had to go in deep. He landed on top of me...passed out, I checked his pulse...he was still alive. I pushed him off of me and hurried to my mom. She was still alive so I called the police and then I ran."
"I couldn't stay there! I stabbed a man! But he tried to rape me, he touched me and I just—oh God!" She was yelling at this point startling Popcorn a bit. "I hate my mom! How could she let someone like that in our house? Why did she turn to drugs instead of her daughter? Why didn't I just fucking die like my dad!" She spun to face Sam as if she could answer these questions for her.
"Allie I-"
"No! Don't freaking say it! That's all anyone ever says! I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry! I don't care if you are fucking sorry! If people were sorry they would put me out of my God damn misery!" She kicked Popcorn and he jumped startled. Then shot forward with Allie clutching to him.
"Allie! Pull back!" Sam yelled sending Ace off after them. Her heart raced, the child had a death wish, an honest to God death wish. She just told her. Sam prayed that she wasn't trying to kill herself now. She pushed Ace faster—faster than he has ever ran. She felt his muscle strain and she was sure he could feel her panic. But Popcorn was fast. He also had height against Ace, making his legs cover more ground with each stride.
"C'mon Ace, please!" Sam pleaded with her horse, Allie could not get hurt. Sam began to regret her idea for a ride. Why did she always make the mistakes?
Ace began to gain on Popcorn who had probably slowed down because of his unsteady rider. Soon the two mustangs were running side by side at a break-neck speed.
"Allie stop!" Sam yelled and the girl glanced over at her briefly.
"No! I'm done! I don't want to try anymore. Don't you get it Sam? It's just not worth it," she sat up a little, wobbled and clutched onto the horn of the saddle.
Why did HARP send them someone suicidal? "Allie that is not true! You have got to stop! Please!"
Allie shook her head and tried to push Popcorn faster but he was at his limit.
"Allie! Listen to me. You can't give up! Just because a horse is a little hurt and broken doesn't mean you'd give up on it, right? Allie, don't give up on yourself either!" Sam yelled, not sure what she was saying, but just yelled whatever seemed right.
Allie shook her head and let go with both hands. Sam felt her panic rising and tried to make a grab for Popcorn's reins but missed. Popcorn tripped sending Allie flying high; she was going to hit ground hard, most likely breaking her neck. Sam kicked Ace one final spurt forward and yanked him to a halt. He spun and slip, Sam gripped him with her legs and turned hoping she had estimated right. Allie flew towards her and Sam let go of her reins; stood in her stirrups reaching for Allie. She hit Sam hard, the compact equivalent to that of being smashed by a boulder. Sam got ripped from the saddle but clung to Allie; she landed on her back and skidded quite a ways before coming to a painful and breathless halt.
She tried to breathe but found the breath knocked out of her but was a little relieved to see that Allie was breathing hard. Every part of her felt bruised and broken and she moaned quietly. Allie shook in her arms and was sobbing again. Sam lay there on the dusty ground clinging to the broken girl who curled into her and cried.
