Hey guys :) I'm glad you liked the prologue! I hope you like the new chapter as well :)
A week later Olivia woke up in a cold sweat, screaming at the top of her lungs. Her skin felt cold and clammy as she ran a tired hand through her damp hair trying to catch her breath. She had the same dream as she had been having since the Gitano case. Every time she closed her eyes she saw the gun pointed at Elliot's head but instead of a sniper shooting Gitano, she ended up shooting Elliot in the head.
The shock and pain on his face as the bullet shot towards him made her want to throw up. And most mornings…she usually did even though she was barely eating. Despite an empty stomach the image of Elliot being blown to pieces as a result of her gun made her physically sick.
She reached over to the bedside table and grabbed for the water bottle there, she took a huge swig of water and swished it around her mouth. Then she pulled herself up off the bed and tried to face the day.
She walked into the bathroom and started the shower, making sure the water was as hot as possible. Sometimes she felt that if the water were scalding it would burn away all her pain. As she stepped into the tub, she heard the phone ringing but she didn't care who it was.
Despite not answering it, her message machine picked up the phone and Casey's voice rang through the living room towards her bathroom.
"Olivia freaking Benson! If you don't show up to work today on time Cragen is going to fire you I swear."She heard Casey say angrily.
She rolled her eyes as she began to massage her scalp with her favorite shampoo. "Nice try Casey…we both know he wouldn't actually fire me." She grumbled.
"And I'm bringing you breakfast whether you like it or not. I know you haven't been eating…I don't know what's going on with you but you better pull it together." Casey said as she continued to ramble on.
Olivia looked down at her stomach and saw that she had in fact lost a few pounds. She had always been concerned with her appearance but hated the look of these girls that were all skin and bones. Unfortunately…she was becoming one of those girls. The problem was…she couldn't seem to hold anything down if she was hungry which was rare. Most of the time she was too sad and frustrated to even care about eating at all.
"If I don't see you at the precinct by nine I'm personally driving to your apartment and dragging you out of bed." Casey threatened as she hung up.
Olivia couldn't help but smile, she would like to see Casey try and drag her out of bed. They both knew that Olivia was the stronger of the two and could easily kick Casey's ass.
When she was done with her shower, she wrapped herself in her towel and avoided all mirrors. She didn't want to see the bruises and cuts on her body from the last few cases, especially the red line across her neck where Gitano had cut her.
She shivered as her towel hit the floor, she grabbed the first thing she saw in the closet and threw it on. She ran a hairbrush quickly through her hair and dried it. She didn't even attempt to put make up because quite frankly she didn't care, everyone knew about the cuts and bruises there was no use trying to hide them.
She locked up her apartment and hailed a cab hoping that today would be better than the rest of the week had been so far. Elliot was being more gracious than usual even though she tried to avoid him at all costs. He wasn't kidding when he said he wasn't going to give up that easy…
When she finally got to the precinct, she rode the elevator upstairs and tried to ignore the nausea rumbling in her stomach. Casey was right…she really had to snap out of it. Whatever was going on with her was taking a serious toll on her body and her mind.
When the elevator doors opened, she saw Munch and Fin arguing through the double doors at their desk. She smiled to herself feeling strangely comforted by their bickering.
She felt safe here.
When she walked through the doors and threw her bag on the desk, all eyes turned to her and she felt the blush creep up in her cheeks. "What?" She bit back at them.
Munch raised an eyebrow at her. "We're just surprised to see you on time this morning Detective."
She smirked at him and pulled her chair out. "Yeah, yeah…whatever."
Fin waited until Olivia had sat down before replying to her. "I see you are in a pleasant mood again today."
She shrugged. "No worse then usual."
Elliot smiled at her trying to show his support and concern. "Ignore Tweedle Dumb and Tweedle Dee…" He said rolling his eyes. "They are having another lovers quarrel and want to put the focus on someone else."
Olivia couldn't help but laugh at his comment, damn him for being so charming. She lifted her eyes towards his and she saw that secret smile that was saved for her and she felt a shiver run up her spine. She turned away from him to try and hide the pain in her eyes as image of the gun at his head mixed with the image of his hands all over her body.
She tried to muster up the courage to say something back to him but thankfully Casey walked into the office to save her. Although…once she saw the look on Casey's face she wasn't sure if she would be saving her as much as pushing her to her breaking point.
"I see you got my message this morning." Casey said putting a box of donuts and a large coffee on Olivia's desk.
Olivia rolled her eyes and shuffled some papers on her desk. "Oh yes…your shrill voice rang through my apartment and ruined my peace in the shower."
Casey put her hand on her hip and smirked. "Well I wouldn't have had to make that angry phone call if you had just called me back last night."
Olivia looked up at her friend. "I fell asleep. Sorry."
Casey clicked her tongue and pushed the box of donuts closer to her. "Well…at least you got some rest finally."
Olivia gave her a warning look because she knew that the rest of her friends, including Elliot were listening intently. "Rest? Sure…we can call it that if you want."
Casey shrugged and opened the top of the box of donuts. "Okay…so now which one are you starting with?"
Olivia looked at her dumfounded. "Starting with?"
Casey smiled at her and reached for a napkin as she put a Boston Crème donut in front of her. "Yes. You are entirely too skinny…you need to eat at least six of these to put some meat on your bones."
Olivia laughed and pushed away from her desk. "Six donuts? No way! Give them to the guys…they can have them."
Munch stood up and stole the donut off of Olivia's desk and took a bite. "While I appreciated the offer Olivia…I agree with Casey. You do look a little too skinny."
Olivia leaned against the coffee table in the corner and shrugged as she lifted her coffee cup to her lips. "I didn't ask for your opinion Detective Munch."
"I guess you didn't…but I still voiced it. Have you been eating?" He asked her with a hint of concern in his voice.
She nodded. "I've been eating."
Fin rolled his eyes. "Please…yesterday I brought you your favorite sub from Gianni's and you didn't even touch it."
Her eyes moved towards him. "So what? I just wasn't that hungry. I said I'd pay for it even though I didn't eat it."
"I don't want your money Olivia…I just want to make sure you are okay." He said softly.
Olivia cleared her throat and then poured her coffee in the trash. "I'm fine. And everyone needs to stop worrying about me." She threw the cup into the trash and walked past everyone and made her way out of the office much to everyone's dismay.
Casey sighed and sat down in Olivia's chair. "What the hell is going on with her?" She asked as she took a donut out of the box for herself.
"Ever since that damn Gitano case she has been in such a funk." Munch said as he made his way back towards his desk.
"Has she said anything to you?" Fin asked as he looked over at Elliot.
Elliot felt his heart leap in his chest because he knew that he couldn't tell everyone that he and Olivia had slept together. "No. Not really."
"I saw you leaving the hospital with her that night." Munch said curiously. "She didn't say anything at all to you?"
Elliot shook his head and put on his best poker face. "No. I just offered to drive her home so she didn't have to take a cab. I think she's just tired…it happens to all of us at some point. We get burnt out…just cut her some slack."
Casey huffed and took another bite of her donut. "I just hope she can pull it together without putting her job in jeopardy."
"Please…Captain wouldn't fire her even if IAB demanded it." Fin said rolling his eyes. "You know she's his favorite…"
"That is true." Don said as he walked into the main office and stole a donut of his own from Olivia's desk. "Where is she anyway?"
"She looked like she was heading for the cribs." Munch said to his boss.
Don sighed. "I'll go talk to her."
Elliot pushed himself away from his desk and stood up. "No. Let me Cap. I'll see if I can figure out what's bothering her."
Don stared at him nervously for a moment before nodding in agreement. "Alright. Just don't piss her off."
Elliot laughed and walked out of the main office and towards the cribs. He took the steps two at a time hoping that he could find a way to break through to her and make her finally see that he was there for her unconditionally. He pushed the door open slowly and peeked his head into the room; he saw her sitting on the bed in the corner.
She wasn't crying…but she still looked sad. "Liv?" He whispered.
Olivia turned to look at him, she tried to tell herself she wanted to be alone but deep down she knew that having him there was exactly what she wanted. "Hey El."
He took her response as a signal that it was okay to enter the room. He shut the door behind him and walked over to her on the bed. He raised an eyebrow as if to ask if it was okay for him to sit beside her and she just nodded slowly.
Letting out a shaky breath, he sat down next to her. "Cap wanted to come up and talk to you…but I thought it would be better if it was me."
She sighed. "He probably thinks I'm going crazy."
He smiled at her. "He doesn't think you are going crazy Olivia…"
She looked over at him and stared for a moment before asking. "Do you?"
He sighed and reached a hand out to her to show his concern. "No. I just think you're struggling with something. And I wish that you would let me know what's going on so I could help you."
She licked her lips when she felt the tears burning in the back of her eyes again. "It's like I told you El…I don't know what's going on with me. If I could explain it to you I would but I'm just so messed up that I can't even figure it out for myself."
Elliot nodded slowly and squeezed her hand. "Well start from the beginning…"
She shook her head and pulled her hand away form him as she got up off the bed. "I don't know where the beginning of all this is Elliot. I feel like it's just been my whole life bottling up around me and now I'm about to explode."
He watched her pace the room and knew this was a more serious issue than he had realized. "Olivia…"
"I just feel like I'm literally at the end of my rope you know? I don't know how much more I can take." She said feeling her head begin to spin again.
Elliot pushed himself off the bed and walked towards her, he grabbed her arm gently. "Slow down Olivia…"
She looked down at his hand on her arm and she felt her body temperature rise. "Don't do that…"
He was confused by her words but his eyes followed hers to where he held her arm. "Don't do what?"
She pulled her arm out of his grasp and backed away. "Don't act all sweet and caring like that…it only confuses me more."
He looked up at her and started to notice that everyone was right, she was getting to skinny. He pushed the thought out of his mind because he knew that saying anything would only make her more upset.
"Why does it confuse you? I told you what my intentions were Olivia…" He whispered to her hoping she would understand.
Olivia shook her head. "Elliot I can't. I just can't do this."
"Can't do what? Work here? Or be with me?" He asked stepping closer to her.
Her heart was pounding in her chest and she felt dizzy again. "El please…just don't."
"Olivia I know you're afraid…of what I'm not entirely sure. But I'm here for you. Why can't you see that?" He asked her.
She bit her lip feeling nervous. "I just…I don't believe that you really care about me Elliot."
The words hit him like a ton of bricks and he tried to fight the bitter words he wanted to hurl at her. He was offended that she wouldn't be able to see how much she meant to him. But he knew he couldn't fight with her, he couldn't use his normal defenses with her. He needed to be patient with her…
"You don't believe that I actually care about you?" He asked in a hoarse whisper.
The emotion in his voice caught her off guard and she had to swallow to push back the tears again. "I mean…no I know you care. But not…I-I just…what I mean is-"
Elliot backed away thinking she needed some space. "If anything I don't think you realize just how much I actually care about you."
She looked down at her feet and kicked at the ground anxiously. "I'm not trying to hurt you." She lifted her eyes to his again. "You know that right?"
He smiled sadly at her. "Yeah. I know…"
She laughed to herself and sat back down on one of the beds. "I don't want to drag you into all my crap El…"
"I've dragged you into enough of mine…it would be only fair." He said smirking down at her.
She looked up at him and smiled. "What am I going to do?"
He shrugged. "I don't know yet. But we will figure it out?"
She raised an eyebrow at him. "We?"
He smiled. "Yes. We. I'm not going anywhere Liv…so you better get used to it."
She smirked. "I usually despise your stubbornness."
"And now?" He asked leaning against the bed frame closest to him.
She smiled again. "Now…I find it strangely comforting…"
He chuckled and walked over to her. "I am going to the twin's soccer game after work. Why don't you come with me? It might help clear your head a little."
She stared up at him as he lingered over her. "Are you sure that's a good idea? I don't want you to get the wrong idea…"
He nodded slowly. "I know you aren't ready for anything more than friendship…let's take one thing at a time okay?"
She sighed happily and nodded. "Okay. I'll go. It will be good to see twins."
He nodded and stuck out his hand for her. "Alright. Well let's get back downstairs before Casey comes looking for you."
Olivia laughed. "I hate her."
He pulled her off the bed and led her towards the door. "No you don't…"
"Just a little…" She whispered as he opened the door for her.
"Okay. Fine…" He said chuckling as he walked out of cribs with her.
He knew they had a long way to go but he felt better knowing she wasn't pushing him away completely. At least she wasn't at the moment…he just hoped it would stay that way.
Later that day, they left work and went to the soccer field where Lizzie and Dickie were playing in their game. Elliot carried a blanket from the back of his car to the field for them to sit on as his kids took the field. They both smiled and waved at Elliot and Olivia as they took their places.
Olivia smiled. "They look happy…"
Elliot nodded. "Yeah. They've finally started to get used to the fact that Kathy and I aren't together anymore."
"That's good…" Olivia said turning to look at him out of the corner of her eyes. "Casey said things were heating up with her and Andrew."
Elliot shrugged. "Yeah it looks like it…"
She reached for the water bottle near her. "Are you okay with that?"
Elliot turned and smiled at her. "I won't say it isn't weird to see her with someone else." He shrugged. "But it wasn't working with us. And despite everything I want her to be happy…she is the mother of my children after all."
Olivia nodded slowly. "Look at you all grown up…"
He chuckled and looked back at the field. "I figured it was time…"
She took another sip of her water before whispering to him. "Not sure if this is the best place to bring up the other night but I-"
Elliot looked over at her surprised that she wanted to talk about how they had had sex. "We don't have to talk about it if you aren't comfortable with it."
She stared at him for a moment. "I am sorry that I left like that…"
He inhaled deeply before looking back at the field to watch the game. "I won't pretend it didn't hurt. But it's okay."
"How is it okay?" She asked, she felt extremely confused by how calm he was.
"I know that it probably wasn't the smartest decision on my part to let that happen." He said shrugging as he continued to watch the game. "But you weren't the only one that was hurting the night…"
"Do you regret it?" She whispered, even though she already knew the answer.
He turned back to her again and smiled with sincerity. "Not at all." She felt the blush growing on her cheeks as he asked. "Do you?"
She turned away from him and whispered. "No. I can't say I didn't want it to happen…I guess I just wish it had been under different circumstances."
He chuckled. "You mean not after I almost died?"
She grimaced and closed her eyes. "Don't say things like that."
The bite in her voice surprised him but he knew he shouldn't have said what he said. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that…"
She brushed some hair out of her face. "I know. But…I just can't get that image out of my head."
Elliot leaned into her and whispered. "Liv…look at me."
It took her a moment before her eyes opened and she turned to look at him. "What?"
"I'm right here Olivia. I'm alive…" He was staring at her with such intensity it almost frightened her, but somehow in a good way. "If we hold onto that night…we're never going to be able to move forward."
She let her eyes wander over his face, taking in his words and thanking God that he really was alive and well. "But I don't know what we're moving forward too…that's what scares me."
Elliot looked back at the field and saw that his kids were watching him to see if he was paying attention to the game. "Why don't we talk about this later? We were supposed to come here to help clear your head…not talk about all this stuff."
She swallowed hard afraid she had made him angry. "I'm sorry."
But when he turned his head to smile at her, she knew he wasn't angry, he was just trying to look out for her. "Don't apologize."
He winked at her before turning back to the field. She slipped her sunglasses on her head and tried to relax next to him and allow things to fall into place like they were supposed too. However, she couldn't shake the fear that was rising up in her that like always things were going to blow up in her face.
After the game, Elliot took Olivia and the kids out for Pizza to celebrate the fact that they had won the game. It felt good to be around Elliot's kids, they seemed to always bring a smile to her face. For at least that hour, laughter was keeping away the tears from falling down her face from everything she was feeling.
Elliot dropped the kids off at Kathy's and then drove Olivia home. He insisted on walking her upstairs to her apartment despite the fact that she was afraid he would get the wrong idea.
When they reached her door, Olivia turned to him with a nervous smile. "Thanks for today…"
He shrugged and put his hands in his pockets. "It was my pleasure."
"You're a good friend…you know that?" She said cocking her head to the side.
He smiled at her. "Just a friend?"
She laughed and looked down at the floor. "I suppose you and I have never really been just friends."
"No. We definitely haven't." He said trying his best not to smirk.
She smiled and looked back up at him. "I uh…I guess I'll see you tomorrow then?"
He nodded. "Yes you will."
She turned to unlock her door but she felt his eyes still on her, she turned back to him. "Goodnight El."
He leaned forward at for a second she was afraid he was going to kiss her on the lips. She felt her breath catch in her throat as his lips touched against her forehead softly.
"You're going to be okay Olivia…" He whispered against her skin before placing another kiss there. "I promise."
Her heart practically did a back flip in her chest when he pulled away. He flashed that special smile of his at her before turning around and walking away from her apartment. Olivia took a deep breath and walked into her apartment, locking the door behind her.
Her message machine was beeping so she pressed the button as she slipped her shoes off. She had to laugh to herself as Casey's voice once again rang through her apartment.
"Hey Benson. I'm sorry about this morning…I hope you aren't too mad at me. Word on the street is that you left the precinct with Elliot though. Give me a call when you get home so you can give me the inside scoop." When the message finished Olivia heard the usual beep as she grabbed for her phone.
Casey picked up after the second ring. "I was afraid you were going to fall asleep before calling me back again."
Olivia laughed. "Nope. I'm wide-awake. What's up?"
"I can tell." Casey said. "Are you mad at me about this morning? I didn't mean to bombard you like that…I just wanted to make sure you were okay."
Olivia sighed and collapsed onto her couch, pulling a blanket up around her. "I know. I'm not mad at you…just frustrated."
"About what?" Casey asked. "You know you can tell me anything Olivia…"
She smiled as she talked to her best friend. "I know Casey. And I'm not trying to keep anything from you or anyone else…I've just been feeling off lately. It's a lot of things really…thing that I have been to afraid to deal with."
"And I bet the Gitano case didn't really make things any easier for you." Casey said. "I heard what happened in the warehouse…"
Olivia leaned her head back against the sofa and closed her eyes. "I can't get the image of that gun pressed against Elliot's head out of my head…"
"It wasn't your fault if that's what your thinking." Casey said honestly. "And Elliot's okay right? You shouldn't dwell on it…"
Olivia took a deep breath before responding. "Casey if I tell you something do you swear it will stay between us?"
"Of course. What's going on?" Casey asked curiously.
She sat up on the couch and pulled her legs up against her chest. "I slept with Elliot."
Olivia heard Casey drop something on the other end of the phone before she gasped. "You did what?"
Olivia groaned and fell back on the couch again. "After we left the hospital that night…Elliot met me in the lobby. And the next thing I knew we were at his place…in his bed…"
"Whoa." Casey said still completely shocked by Olivia's confession. "I knew something was going on but I didn't know it was this. When Elliot went to talk to you up in the cribs today…did you guys-?"
"No!" Olivia said adamantly. "It's not like that…I left the next morning without even saying goodbye."
"Why?" Casey asked even more shocked by that then the fact that they had slept together.
"There are a lot of reasons. One…I'm not good at relationships. And two…I'm not in a place in my life where being in a relationship would be smart. I'm so screwed up right now…and three…it's Elliot!" Olivia practically yelled into the phone.
"Please…you can't tell me that you don't have feelings for him." Casey said laughing on the other end of the phone.
"Of course I care about him Casey…but I can't be with him." Olivia said sighing as she pulled herself up off the couch and walked towards the kitchen. "It would never work."
"You don't know that." Casey said. "You're just afraid."
"I'm not afraid of him though…it's me." Olivia said sadly as she poured herself a glass of wine.
"So what are you going to do then? I mean how is Elliot handling all this?" Casey asked thinking about how Elliot was so calm at work the last week.
"That's the weird thing…he's so calm. And he keeps telling me to take things one day at a time. That h won't give up that easy…" She said as she leaned against her counter and took a sip of her wine. "It's definitely not how I expected him to act."
"Awww…he loves you Olivia!" Casey said with glee in her voice.
Olivia couldn't help but smile at the thought of it. "But what if loves isn't enough?"
She heard Casey sigh softly. "Sometimes you just have to take a chance Olivia."
"You know I'm not good at that…and this would be even harder. Elliot's been my best friend for seven years and I don't' want to jeopardize our relationship." She said as she lifted her glass to her lips.
"Well I hate to break it to you Olivia…whether you decide to be with Elliot or not your relationship has changed forever. There's no going back now…" Casey said honestly.
Olivia swallowed her wine and sighed. "Yeah…I know."
"It sounds like Elliot has told you how he feels…so I guess it's up to you to decide where your relationship goes from here." Casey said.
She placed her glass on the counter and sighed. "Casey I just don't think I have the strength to deal with this. I don't want to fight with him…I don't want things to change."
"Something's are worth fighting for Olivia…" Casey whispered.
Olivia rested her head against the cabinet behind her head and closed her eyes. She knew deep down Elliot was worth fighting for…but she just didn't think she could let go of her fears. And even though he said he wasn't going anywhere, she wasn't sure she would be able to keep from hurting him when she was trying to protect herself.
She seemed to always have a way of saying and doing things without thinking about the consequences first…
I hope you liked the chapter. I will try and update as soon as possible!
