CHAPTER NINETEEN
"Oh my God," Cordelia repeated for the hundredth time as she paced up and down the hallway.
"Can you say anything that's gonna be a little more helpful in this situation?" asked Doyle.
"I'm sorry. It's just... wow. Hello... shocker? Buffy kept that hidden pretty well," she said, sliding down the wall and leaning against Doyle.
She and Doyle had been outside Spike's room for the better part of an hour. They'd managed to get him to talk, but there was still no sign of him even thinking about letting them in. He'd cried for the majority of the night and he usually wasn't one for crying, at least not without a few bottles of Jack to lubricate his tear ducts, but he'd been sober as a judge when Doyle had dragged him out of The Bronze after Dawn's little declaration. All the alcohol he'd consumed prior to that little bombshell being dropped on his head had seemingly vaporized as every cell in his body had howled in betrayal. Buffy had hurt him deeply by keeping Amelia's paternity a secret and he'd spent all night trying to figure out why she'd done it. 'Why didn't she tell me?' he'd asked himself over and over as the moon had trekked across the sky. The first rays of the sun were flooding his room and he was still no closer to finding an answer, although he'd finally run out of tears and was left feeling like a hollowed out shell.
Doyle tried one more time to coax him out of the room. "Spike, come on man, you need to talk about this, just let us in." There was a scrabbling noise and the door suddenly flew open then Spike stomped back to his corner and dropped to the floor in a graceless heap, staring blankly into space.
Doyle started to stand and Cordelia put her hand on his arm to stop him. "Maybe I should talk to him."
Doyle hesitated for a second then nodded. "Can't do much more damage, I guess. I'll be watching telly." He got to his feet and looked down at his wife. "I'd tell you to be gentle, but you're you, so... just do what you do, Cordy. Make him understand." He gave her a weak smile and headed for the living room.
Cordelia got to her feet and stepped into Spike's room, closing the door behind her. She stepped up in front of him and nudged his shoulder until he'd moved over far enough for her to sit down beside him. "I know you keep saying that you don't want to talk about it, but tough, you're gonna have to."
"Look, pet, I know you mean well, but talkin' to you isn't gonna help just now," he said sadly.
"You're right; I'm not the one you should be talking to. Buffy is the one you should be talking to, so why don't you haul your carcass over there and talk to her?"
"I tried talkin' to her. Didn't work. Just dissolved into a screaming match. Tell me how she could just let me leave town not knowing that I've got a daughter? My own flesh and blood! Does she hate me that much?"
"I don't know, Spike, but sitting here moping about it isn't going to do you any good. You need to talk to her. Make her listen"
Spike looked over at her with a quirked eyebrow. "Have you met Buffy? Nobody's ever made that chit do anythin' she didn't already have her mind made up to do."
"Good point. Um... can I ask you something?"
"Fire away."
"I want an honest answer. No bullshit, okay?"
"Scout's honour," he said, holding up his hand.
"You weren't even in the Boy Scouts, dufus," she chuckled lightly and lightly slapped his arm then her expression turned serious again. "Why did you come back?"
He looked at her curiously for a moment then smiled thinly. "I came back because I finally realized that I'd made a mistake. I never should've left. There was this thing in the back of my head the whole time I was gone... this little voice asking, 'I wonder how Buffy is.' or 'I wonder what Buffy's doing now?' I thought it would go away after a while, but it stuck there and kept hammerin' at me 'til it finally made me get on a plane back to the States. I still love her, Cordelia, that's why I came back," he sighed.
"And now you're sitting here all mopey because..."
"She made her choice. She wants Angel and there's nothing I can do about that, pet."
Cordelia rolled her eyes. "Men are so dense. She doesn't want him, you big dork. She loves you! We can all see it. It's practically tattooed on her forehead. She's just scared, and hey, I'm totally on your side here, but who can blame her? You bolted like a scared rabbit the first time she mentioned moving forward and commitment, and now she's got a kid which, gotta say, is a huge thing."
"I know that. I'm not sayin' I didn't do anythin' wrong, but..."
Cordelia put her hand over Spike's mouth, silencing him before asking, "Remember when Doyle and I got married?" She dropped her hand so he could answer.
"Yeah, what does that have to do with anything?"
"Before the wedding I had second thoughts. I seriously thought about making a run for it and never looking back, but then I remembered how he holds me when I'm sick, how he says the sweetest things to me when I need a little pick me up, and how he makes me feel safe whenever I'm with him. I tried to think about my life without him in it and do you wanna know something?"
"What?"
"I couldn't picture my life without him in it. Couldn't do it no matter how hard I tried, and that's when I knew I was doing the right thing. Now here we are four years later and I still get butterflies when he walks into the room." She smiled and nudged her shoulder against Spike's. "So, the question you've got to ask yourself is... when you look at your future, what do you see?"
He paused for a moment and closed his eyes as he pictured his future then opened them and smiled at Cordy. "All I see is Buffy."
"So... why are you still sitting here? Go get her, champ!"
He smiled as he jumped to his feet and ran out of the room. He darted back in again, giving Cordy a brief kiss on the cheek just as she got to her feet. "You're welcome," she said, smiling as she heard him running toward the front door.
Doyle walked into the room smiling like the cat that had got the cream. "So... can't imagine your life without me, eh, princess?"
"I knew you were listening," she giggled as she wrapped her arms around his neck. "You bug the hell out of me sometimes, but yes, I can't imagine my life without you, Allen Francis Doyle."
"Ditto, princess, ditto," he said, kissing her softly.
