Disclaimer: I don't own BLEACH I just like warping it into something that most would probably not approve of. Kubo-sensei you are the man!

Originally posted Feb 22, 2010

TO: BONNENUIT, I WROTE THIS FOR YOU!

Warnings: Canon/AU combo, plot holes, humor (it wasn't intended but sometimes these things just happen) crack, cliché, non-crack, non-cliché. Spelling, grammar, punctuation, language, mountain of dialogue, break scenes, switching views, a warped spin on shinigami, human and every other type of living, past lives, reincarnations, brief mentioning of death, implied violence, implied pairings, both one-sided and not. And oh so freakin' much more!

New Author's Note: It's long but entertaining enough to sit back and say well that wasn't too horrible. KENICHI needs more LOVE! This is a fact. The fic is the result of watching too much supernatural programs, reading way too much fanfiction about demons, shape shifters, hybrids, soul mates and guardians.

Rating is probably too high but shrugs.

Characters: Ichigo, Shiro, Starrk, Grimmjow, Ikkaku, Yumichika, Kenpachi, Yachiru, Renji, Rukia, Zan, Aizen, Byakuya, Matsumoto, others.

Official Pairings: KenpachixIchigo, IkkakuxYumichika, RukiaxRenji, brief mentioning of others.

One sided pairings: ShiroxIchigo, GrimmjowxIchigo, StarrkxIchigo (to a lesser degree) MatsumotoxKenpachi (meant to amuse more than anything, StarrkxYumichika (also meant to amuse) AizenxIchigo (because the "good" taichou can) RenjixIchigo (loosely implied)

Separate category as in not quite official or one-sided. Rather somewhere in between: ByakuyaxIchigo

Summary: Yumichika and Ikkaku want to get their favorite taichou something nice for his "35th" birthday—what better gift is there to give than a cute Ryoka boy from the human world?

()()()()()()()

Back info: Spirit Guardian Shape Shifters

Strong powerful, fiercely protective creatures (who are more than creatures, but not quite human and not quite demon, and not quite the traditional spirit guardians. Sharing some similarities with hollows but not hollows. They can appear and disappear at their own will, choosing when and when not to show themselves.

Liger: Shirosaski "Shiro"

Coyote: Starrk

Panther: Grimmjow

Raccoon: Ulquoirra

2nd Coyote: Lilinette

Female centaur: Nel

Shiro, the liger guardian has been with Masaki long before Ichigo was even born. He is the oldest out of all of the guardian spirits.

Shiro's favorite past times are to 1) Lock the big kitty in a cage 2) recount the many adventures he experienced with Masaki—it's the best way to make King happy.

He's fiercely protective and will hurt any and all who even dare to look at the orange-haired youth in a strange way.

Starrk, the coyote guardian came into existence on the night of Ichigo's birth. His non-fraternal twin, Lilinette appeared a week later.

Starrk's favorite past time is to 1) Sleep 2) Flirt

He's protective but on a much quieter level. He watches and carefully evaluates any and all who cross paths with Ichigo.

Grimmjow, the panther guardian appeared shortly after Masaki died. His brash nature caused him to butt heads with the other guardians. He did not walk on eggshells around the brat like everyone else—he told Ichigo to suck it up and move on! 'Death happens, get over it!'

Shiro busted his face in for that one.

There was only one plus side that came from having (the living or non-living, somewhere in between) shit kicked out of him, the brat stayed with him during the entire recovery process.

Grimmjow's favorite past time: 1) Making Shiro jealous 2) Watching the Brat sleep

As for Ulquiorra, Lilinette and Nel well…

They are actually closer to Ichigo's sisters. Ulquiorra chose Yuzu because she's the least annoying out of the siblings. Lilinette and Nel watch over Karin and like to cause mischief.

But in the end they too, love and protect Ichigo like all good guardians do!

()()()()()()

Prologue

Masaki died in a car crash. Isshin couldn't handle it, so he hung himself the winter before Ichigo turned 9. With both parents deceased, Ichigo and his two sisters were taken in by their estranged uncle Zan.

Zan is a kind but seriously weird man. He meditates a little more than could be considered healthy, wears sunglasses indoors and he can read minds.

Other than having a weird uncle and spirit guardians, life for the Kurosaki siblings is pretty normal.

They go to school, eat, sleep, date (or in Ichigo's case watch his friends date)

Truthfully at times life can be a little boring.

Time to thank your lucky stars—because life as you know it, is about to change.

()()()()()()()

Ryoka Boy: The Non-Traditional Mail Order Bride

PART 1/3

Shinigami world

(Yumichika and Ikkaku/ Renji and Rukia)

It was one of those days where even lifting a single finger seemed nearly impossible, the kind of day when no matter how much shine and bounce your hair normally had, it looked limp, dull, almost lifeless.

The sweating was most unpleasant—not to mention…

"Ugh all of this heat is clogging my pores, could it be that I will wake up tomorrow and find unsightly blemishes on my skin? Oh the horror!" Ayasegawa Yumichika cried out dramatically.

Madarame Ikkaku let out a lazy yawn and scratched his natural cue ball head.

Yumichika cringed at the sound "Ikkaku must you scratch yourself like that? It's so barbaric, not to mention unbeautiful."

Another lazy yawn and then Ikkaku sat up "So any idea on what you're gonna get for taichou's birthday?"

"I only know one thing for sure. The present for our taichou must be just as beautiful as I am," Yumichika flicked a stray strand of hair out of his delicate face "But of course that is ridiculous, since nothing can match my beauty."

"I was thinkin' maybe we could team up and get a joint gift for Zaraki-taichou."

"I don't know if that will fly with him."

"Yeah well having us on his squad should be good enough."

"While it is true that taichou should be honored to be in the company with someone who is as lovely as I and some one who is as strong spirited as you, I do not think it wise to be a cheapskate.

"Who the hell said anything about being a cheapskate? All I said—

There was a knock on the door

"Yeah whatdya want?"

The door to the eleventh division's rec room slammed open.

"Got some kind secret meeting goin' on in here eh?" Abarai Renji asked upon entering the room.

"Huh? Who the hell are you bargin' in here?"

"Keh, as if I need a reason, I was part of this division for awhile too."

"That was ages ago—back when you were pining pathetically after Kuchiki."

"I wasn't pinin' tell em' Rukia, I wasn't pinin'!"

"My what a lovely set up you have in here, wish Ukitake-taichou gave us our own rec room," Kuchiki Rukia sounded wistful and dreamy.

"Rukia, what the hell!"

The short raven-haired woman ignored the tattooed red head in favor of joining Yumichika on the hammock. (One of the trinkets from the human world, she assumed)

Rukia longed to go to the human world but her beloved Nii-sama had strictly forbidden it.

"Ah this is really quite comfy."

"Isn't it? I picked it up last summer when Ikkaku and I were visiting Brazil."

"Oh is it nice there? I must admit I've never been."

"It is quite lovely, not a s lovely as I am but—

"Oi Rukia are you just gonna sit there all day or are you gonna get off your butt and help me?"

Ikkaku shook his head "You never learn do you Abarai? Thinkin' you can talk to a woman in that manner."

"Rukia's no woman she's jus—OW! Hey let go of my finger!"

"I'm sorry Abarai-kun did you want to say something else?"

Ikkaku and Rukia both snorted at the redheads' pitiful plea for the "torture" to stop.

"Do you surrender?" Yumichika's voice sounded saccharine sweet.

"Yes I give now please let go!"

"First turn to Rukia-chan and tell her she's beautiful."

"What? Why would I s—OW! Hey damn alright fine, Rukia you're beautiful."

"And?"

The grip on the pinky finger was so tight it would probably bruise.

"And what—OW! Fuck! I'm sorry."

"And I'm just a stupid baboon who is not worthy of your love. Say it."

"What the hell? I'm not gonna say such a la—stop you're gonna break—

"Say it!"

Yumichika eyes hardened.

"And I'm a stupid baboon who is not worthy of your love."

Rukia grinned "Why thank you Renji but I'm still not letting you back into the bedroom."

"What? Oh come on!"

"Ahem it seems you two are forgetting something."

"Wha—oh right yeah so any we were eavesdropping and—

"Eavesdropping is an ugly habit."

"Well yeah but we had a good reason, tell em' Rukia."

The raven-haired woman's eyes lit up "We overheard all of the taichous just a little over an hour ago, and you'll never guess what they are planning."

"Oh?"Yumichika raised a perfectly feathered brow.

"They are going to get Zaraki-taichou a mail order bride."

"The hell? Who?"

"Never mind who, the point is knowing the way the other taichou's are, they're probably planning to choose some tramp from Russia or something—not that there's anythin' wrong with Russia—during one of my past lives, my mother dated a Ru—

Rukia silenced her babbling boyfriend "Anyway we think it would be a better idea to pi—

Ikkaku and Yumichika shared a look

"Say no more Kuchiki, he's our taichou so we got this."

"Hey now that's not fair you wouldn't even k—

"You can join us if you like."

"You're damn right we will!"

"It's settled then, we're off to the human world!"

()()()()()()

(Renji/Rukia)

"So we're really gonna go through with this? Travel to the human world?"

"Yes but we have to remember to be sneaky or else Nii-sama will catch us."

()()()()()()

(Ikkaku/Yumichika)

"Do we really have to wait for them?"

"Ikkaku, whining is not beautiful, so please don't do it."

()()()()()()()()

(Kenpachi)

"Ken-chan, Ken-chan guess what?"

"Huh?"

"Yun-Yun and Pachinko head are disappearing again."

"Disappearing?"

"They're heading to the other word, I heard them."

"Hn. Idiots. Those two are way too relaxed."

"Are you going to go after them Ken-chan?"

"Nah, they'll come back when they're good and ready."

"But what about your cake day?"

"Who cares? I'll always have another birthday."

"But Yachiru wants cake. Doesn't Ken-chan want cake?"

"Too sweet."

"Can Yachiru eat Ken-chan's piece then?"

Zaraki Kenpachi muttered under his breath.

Yachiru meant the world to him but he just quite frankly didn't give two shits about his birthday. Whether he was turning 3 or 350, none of it made a damn bit of difference to him.

Why the fuck would he want to celebrate another day of his (not so thrilling life?)

Why celebrate the beginnings of Crows feet and back aches? Why spend lazy afternoons (like this one) getting drunk and passing out?

His prized possession (other than Yachiru) lay rusting away in the corner of the room against the wall.

He hadn't had a decent battle in ages. Hadn't felt the thrill of adrenaline running through his veins, his bones, his very being, hadn't savored the fine tangy taste of blood.

In short Kenpachi was just plain B-O-R-E-D

The girls' energy was endless.

()()()()()

For the most part Kenpachi found the taichous from the other divisions to be annoying or just plain boring.

He couldn't relate (nor did he wish to) to them at all.

Though Kuchiki Byakuya was good for a laugh when he went into his "spoiled prince mode."

Face forever sour, looking like he sucked on a lemon. Eyes, cold, unforgiving and deep beneath the surface lay heartache.

The poor "prince" was still mourning the loss of his lovely wife Hisana.

Really if he missed the woman that much he should just put his blade to his throat and join her.

Death was both part of life and the afterlife.

Kenpachi just didn't understand all the drama, the tears, the tantrums, it made no sense to him.

He was not a heartless individual. He simply just did not see the point to one grieving to the end of time and beyond.

Byakuya frowned down at his teacup in distaste, muttering about how 'surely even a monkey could make a better cup of tea than his incompetent overpaid servants'

Kenpachi snorted into his own teacup and the broke the companionable silence.

"So what did you get me for my birthday?"

Byakya nearly spit his tea out.

Kenpachi didn't bother to hide his grin.

It was fun getting Byakuya to do something else beside frown, glare and roll his eyes.

After a moment

"I was under the impression that you had no intention of celebrating your birthday."

Kenpachi grunted.

Seemed the "Prince" knew at least a little bit about him.

Not that it was an entirely surprising discovery—Byakua was a very intelligent individual—naturally because of his upbringing—but ah there was more to it than that. Something that made the stoic man so much more than the average Kuchiki.

Kenpachi grinned and pulled his zanpakuto from its sheath.

Without warning he swung it down –would've grazed Byakuya's ear if the noble hadn't seen in coming.

Kenpachi's grin widened. He swung again.

Byakuya gracefully dodged it.

()()()()()

Human world

(Ichigo)

"Are you sure you don't want to come with me to the zoo Kurosaki-kun? Tatsuki-chan will be there."

"I can't. I promised Karin and Yuzu that I would take them shopping for a puppy."

"Oh well perhaps some other time then?"

"Sure. Look I'll see you tomorrow Inoue."

"Goodbye Kurosaki-kun."

()()()()()()

(Renji/Rukia/Ikkaku/Yumichika)

"Rukia this is stupid. I can't believe I let you talk me into wearing this lame bunny suit."

"Bunnies are not lame!"

"Well they certainly aren't beautiful either, I feel like my poor nose is being crushed by this fluffy head."

"It's not so bad and besides we'll be a lot less noticeable in these costumes."

"Exactly who would suspect bunnies?"

"Uh why are we here anyway? What makes you think we'll find anyone?"

"Karakura town is known for having high spirit energy as well as spirit guardians."

"Kara—what?"

"Shh! Here comes one."

()()()()()

"I don't see anythin' special about that guy."

"He's scratching himself, how unsightly."

"Not that one. That one!"

A collective awe of appreciation.

"Hmm he is quite the sight isn't he?"

"Seen one bleached punk, seem em' all."

"What makes you so sure its bleached?"

"Puh-lease no one has hair that bright."

"That's calling the kettle black isn't it, Abarai-kun?"

"What my hair? There's nothing special about red hair."

"Any way only one way to find out," A grin "Let's go!"

()()()()()()

(Ichigo/Shiro)

"Ya know King I still don't see why ya won't let me show myself in front of that big breasted friend of yours. What's the matter, think I'd scare her?"

Kurosaki Ichigo turned his attention to the black and white liger at his side.

"That's not it at all Shiro, I just don't want to draw attention to myself."

"Too late for that. Looks like we got company."

Without another word Shiro took on his human form—he licked his lips at the 4 bunnies quickly approaching him and the orange-haired youth at his side.

Ichigo let out a sigh and rolled up his sleeves.

Why was he always a natural target for trouble?

()()()()

(Renji/Rukia/Ikkaku/Yumichika)

"Hey did you see that?"

"See what?"

"That shapeshifter spirit thing, he just appeared outta nowhere."

"Hmm well so he did."

"Interesting."

"Hmm well yes I suppose the creature does possess a certain exotic kind of beauty," a smirk "Perhaps I will make him into a blanket.

"That's disgusting."

"Oh relax we're not gonna kill it," A grin "We're just gonna go down there and say hello."

()()()()()

(Shiro)

Shiro felt a little insulted when only 1 out of the 4 bunnies charged at him.

The other three stayed back, apparently trying to measure his strength.

Half way through the little sparring session, the "bunnies" had removed their costume heads.

He didn't like the way the idiot redhead was undressing King with his beady little eyes.

It was decided—RED WOULD BE THE FIRST TO DIE!

()()()()()

(Ichigo)

Ichigo decided to just let Shiro have his fun for a while.

He had been almost unusually crabby as of late—a good brawl would hopefully do the spirit guardian some good.

It seemed the bald headed one in the group was merely playing with Shiro at the moment.

Which was quite a foolish thing to do—the guy would so learn that underestimating the liger would be his biggest mistake.

()()()()()

Shinigami world

((Kenpachi)

Aizen Sosuke. A name that was often whispered with praise all through out Soul Society.

The kind, soft-spoken taichou from the 5th division.

There were very few who could match the man in terms of both power and intellect.

He was loved and highly respected by all but a select few.

Kenpachi, himself, didn't really fall into either category. He neither hated nor liked the bespectacled man.

The only thing he could really gather about Aizen was the fact that the man surely must have been a world-class actor during one of his past lives.

For no one (no matter how patient and well trained-could be that cool, calm and collected day in and day out, while in the company of that foolish rosy cheeked Hinamori-kun.

Walking at Aizen's side, Ichimaru Gin, taichou of the 3rd division—closed eyed smile perfectly in place.

The pale skinned, silver haired man hadn't gained the same type of praise and adoration that Aizen had.

Rather—many of the other taichous from the other divisions seemed to fear the sly fox.

Not that Gin cared

For his darling Izuru-chan seemed to shower him with more than enough "love" all by his little blond self.

Kenpachi snorted.

He'd sooner gut himself than ever put up with a bunch of daydreaming idiots.

Blushing to the roots of their hair, stumbling over both feet and words.

The sight was truly pathetic.

Really—how the hell had Kira Izuru and Hinamori Momo ever made it passed the training academy?

()()()()()()

Human world

(Ichigo/Shiro)

"King this is ridiculous. We should've just left them to rot in an alley or something."

"We're not leaving anyone to rot anywhere Shiro, now pick up your feet and walk."

"Look King, I mean where the hell are we supposed to put them anyway?"

"Zan has plenty of room. I'm sure he won't mind."

"Suppose you're right, sides I locked Grim up in the cage right before we left," a mad grin "I'm sure he's just dyin' for a juicy slab of meat right now."

"Shiro what the hell? Can't you go one day without picking on him?"

"It's hardly pickin' King, sides he asked for it. I'm only givin' the puss what he wants."

Ichigo rolled his eyes and stepped in front of the large slightly slanted mansion. He adjusted the unconscious body in his arms and then pressed the intercom button.

"Who is it?"

"Yuzu it's us. Tell Zan we caught some travelers."

()()()()()

Nothing was said as Ichigo and Shiro entered the living room, dropping their baggage quite unceremoniously, onto the pristine white carpet.

"You can untie the young woman but keep the gentleman as they are."

"Rukia ain't no woman—she's mph—

"Shut up Red!" Shiro gave the tattooed redhead in the group a swift kick in the head and the gagged him with a sweaty handkerchief.

Ichigo cringed when "Red" let out a pitiful whine.

Seemed Shiro was still in a pissy mood.

Zan sent the liger guardian a warning look as if to say "behave"

He then turned his attention to the travelers.

"Now we are very reasonable people and we do not intend to harm our brethren but you must tell us, why have you come here?"

"Brethren? Surely you don't honestly think that you could group yourself into the same category with someone as beautiful as I?" the feminine looking man in the group sniffed indignantly.

"Confidence mm I like that in a mate." Starrk purred.

Ichigo raised a brow but made no move to stop the guardian.

Seemed Karin had it under control.

"Down boy!"

"Aw but Karin-chan I was just—

The sound a loud rattling interrupted the lazy eyed shapes-shifting coyote

"YOU BASTARD! I'LL FUCKIN' TEAR YOUR HEAD OFF WHEN I GET OUT OF HERE!"

BANG! BANG! BANG!

Zan rubbed the sides of his temple. "Alright which one of you locked Grimm in the cage again?"

Shiro snickered "What can I say, that's where bad kitties belong."

"You're DEAD SHIROSAKI! DO YOU HEAR ME?"

Ichigo let out a sigh and made his way towards the basement.

()()()()

(Ichigo and Grimmjow)

"Grimmjow, seriously why do you constantly fall into the same trap over and over?"

"Don't lecture me, brat!"

"Hey I may be a brat but I'm—

"My brat," a grin "Yeah I know, now let me out of here so I can claim my reward.

"Not until you put your tongue back in your mouth."

"I've got a better idea," grin widening "Why don't I put my tongue in your mouth."

"Oh for the love of—What the hell is wrong with you Grimm? If my mother were still alive she'd probably t—

"Tell you to make up your pretty little mind, answer your calling and choose one of your spirit guardians already."

"She would not!"

"Ha! You're getting a bit red there brat, are you catching a fever," a leer "Want me to take your temperature?"

"That's it! I'll just leave you in here."

"No you won't!" The blue-eyed panther shifted into his human form and grabbed hold of the human's forearm.

Delighting in the blush that was quickly rising to the youth's face—loving the feel of the orange-haired boys' almost inhuman skin.

Ichigo wasn't like other humans. He was special. And the only human who had earned his respect.

Grimmjow knew he could never truly claim the brat—for it was not written in the stars—but it didn't mean he couldn't play.

After all the berry was a lot like fine catnip.

Made him horny and insane all at once!

()()()()()

(Starrk)

The shinigami with feathers was certainly a delicious distraction but Starrk couldn't help but wonder as to the whereabouts of Ichigo.

The boy had gone down to the basement to "rescue" Grimm from the big bad cage—but that was 20 minutes ago—surely it shouldn't take that long.

"Get your dirty hands off of me!"

"I assure you that my hands are quite clean."

The feminine man thrashed violently in his chair, spewing explicative words in between each cry of "how someone as beautiful as him should not be manhandled!"

The cue ball in the group was glaring daggers at him—should he somehow manage to break free—Starrk might wind up losing one of his limbs.

"Starrk, heel!"

"But Karin-chan I was—

"Must you act so barbaric whenever we have company over?"

Starrk turned to find the green-eyed raccoon spirit guardian standing there, arms crossed.

"Had a nice nap then, Ulquiorra?"

"Where is Kurosaki?"

"Which one? There are three you know?"

"The boy."

A yawn "You know I was just wondering the same thing myself."

()()()()

(Yumichika)

Yumichika was outraged!

He was ready to just forget the original plan to kid nap the orange haired ryoka boy—right now the only thing he wanted was a nice bath in the hot springs—Ikkaku could massage his shoulders and wash his hair. He let out a wistful sigh

"Ah sweet bliss."

"Not yet baby but perhaps after I've taken a nap." The coyote guardian winked at him before rising to his feet and disappearing around the corner.

()()()()()

(Rukia)

"Would you like some more tea Rukia-nee?"

"Oh yes, thank you."

"You're welcome."

"Rukia-nee will you be joining us for dinner?"

"Well I don't see why not."

"Really?"

"Sure."

"And your companions?"

"Eh? Renji'll eat anything, Yumchika-san isn't a picky eater and Ikkaku well I'm sure he'll eat whatever you place before him."

"Yay! We're having company for supper, come Yuzu let's go wake Lili."

The two young girls (well actually one was a female centaur with the mentality of a young girl) left the kitchen, leaving Rukia in the company of good ole uncle Zan.

She couldn't quite put her finger on it but there was something about this strange man—something familiar.

Perhaps they met somewhere in a past life?

()()(()()()

Shinigami World

(Kenpachi)

Matsumoto Rangiku, Kyoraku Shunsui, Ukitake Jushiro.

Duck and Run! Here comes the Troublesome Trio.

Only it was not in Kenpachi's nature to Duck since A) He is too tall and B) the act of ducking is a cowards game.

And Running? Ha! He's never run away in any of his lifetimes –except for that one time when Risa-chan interrupted him during his bath time—he did not run because he had been afraid of the woman—no he simply hadn't had any desire to here her gush over the natural hotness that was the relationship of Kensei and Shu-kun.

Kenpachi had nothing against the act of hot man lovin'—Shuhei and Kensei were attractive in their own ways—but well to put it quite simply—Kenpachi liked his men the same he liked his meat.

In his mind men and meat went hand in hand.

In his mind men were meat.

He liked his men/meat RICH, EXOTIC AND RARE.

Very few (if any) could satiate his hunger.

As he downed the remainder of his sake, Matsumoto, Shunsui and Ukitake pulled out chairs and sat down.

"Zaraki, how's it going?"

The man with the flamboyant dressing attire was the first to greet him.

Kenpachi merely grunted.

He had no desire to strike up a conversation with the trio tonight—or any other night for that matter.

"Don't (hic) frown so much," Matusmoto scooted her chair closer to him, "It's going to (hic) be your birthday soon (hic) you should be (hic) happy."

Not this again. Seriously didn't these people have something better to do besides bring up his damn birthday?

Ukitake, the only one who seemed to catch on to his irritation, turned the conversation else where "So do you know when Madarame and Ayasegawa plan to return?"

"They'll return when they're good and ready."

"Um," a slightly drunk laugh "Of course."

After that the man fell silent.

Kenpachi rolled his eyes, made to rise to his feet when he felt Matsumto's hand on his shoulder.

"Don't (hic) leave yet Zaraki-taichou (hic) we have (hic) something to dis (hic) cuss with you."

"Um Rangiku perhaps now isn't a good time."

"Sure it is Ju," a lazy drunk grin "So Zaraki, tell us which do you prefer? Blondes? Brunettes? Or Redheads?

"Really Shun I don't thin—

"Blondes of course! Everybody loves blondes!" As if to empathize her point, Matsumoto grabbed Kenpachi and attempted to smother him with her breasts.

Kenpachi was not the least bit impressed.

Seriously the woman was just as bad as the runts—if not worse!

"Rangiku I think it would be best if you let g—

"No!" Matsumoto blew a childish raspberry at Ukitake and clung on even tighter. This time the woman opted for burying her nose into the crook of Kenpachi's armpit.

"Mm I so do love the smell of a REAL MAN!"

"Alright that's enough—Rangiku you really mu—

"Oh hush Ju-kun, you'll get your chance."

The woman continued her nuzzling, completely oblivious to the fact that Kenpachi felt no desire to nuzzle her back.

Ukitake looked guilty and silently pleaded with Shunsui to help him pry the woman off.

Shunsui did nothing but sit there and sip his sake. After a few minutes he repeated his question "So Blondes, Brunettes or Redheads?"

"Redheads I guess but whatever it is you are planning, I want no part of it."

"Oh you say that now but—Shunsui wiggled his brows "Once you see wh—

"Matsumoto! What the hell are you doing?"

The buxom blonde jumped at the sound of the familiar voice.

"Taichou! What are you (hic) doing here?"

Ah at last, the arrival of the shrimp taichou, Hitsugaya Toshiro

Kenpachi sent a silent thanks to who ever his guardian angel was and then left the pub.

()()()()()

Human World

"Alright so now that we've eaten, let's head to the dojo."

"Dojo?"

"We're going to have a little tournament of sorts. It will be you four against Ichigo, not all at once, of course."

"Uh why?"

"Because Rukia-chan has been kind enough to fill me in on your little mission," Zan tapped his cane "If you win at least one match we'll let you take Ichigo back to your world. But should you lose?—Dark eyes flashed behind even darker shades—"Then I'm afraid you'll have to live out the rest of your days in this house, serving and catering to us."

"What the fuck? You're bat shit crazy old man! There's no way in hell I'm g—

"Abarai-kun, do shut up."

Renji gulped and fell silent.

Yumichika turned to the raven-haired woman in the room "Well Rukia-chan since you seem to be on such good terms with these people, why don't you go first?"

"What? This is stupid. Look I don't know what Zan told you but—

"Ichigo."

"Don't Ichigo me, I'm not going to raise my hand to a woman."

"Rukia-san is a lot stronger than she looks. I can sense it." Karin stated knowledgably.

The orange haired youth frowned. "Even so I won't, it doesn't feel right putting my hands on a woman."

"If you're chickinin'' out King, let me do it!"

"No way! You already had your fun with Red over there, the little lady is mine!"

"Grimm, Shiro knock it off!"

Shiro snorted while Grimmjow muttered under his breath.

In the next room

Starrk shifted in his sleep but made no move to wake.

Ichigo studied the raven-haired woman with silver-blue irises—something in her gaze made him think of his mother—even though the color was all-wrong—something about them seemed

"Familiar."

"Huh?"

"Oh uh I'm just saying you kinda remind me of someone I knew from long ago."

The woman's voice sounded pained, distant.

Ichigo felt his stomach clench.

He couldn't stand the sight of a woman looking so upset, so heart broken, shattered.

Zan watched the interaction between the two and reached a decision.

"Alright, Rukia-chan will not fight, she will sit and watch from the side lines as you three face Ichigo."

()()()()()

"Hey! You never said anything about using a zanpakuto!"

"I never said anything about not using one, either."

"But wait how is this even possible? How the hell can a mere human wield—

"Ichi-nii is special."

"Special?"

"Just watch."

()()()()()

(Yumichika)

There were very few people or things that would impress Yumichika. But not even a man as arrogant and talented as he, could deny the unlocked potential in one Kurosaki Ichigo.

The human did seem pretty average at first glance (minus the loud orange hair) –one would easily pass over him—and then when it was too late they would realize how stupid it was to underestimate a "mere human"

He couldn't properly measure the orange haired youth's capabilities without fighting him first—but he did know one thing—Ichigo-kun would be a fine addition for his squad.

Yumichika smiled "Taichou is going to love this kid."

()()()()()

(Shiro)

King was too fuckin' beautiful when he had blood dripping off him.

The again—King was always beautiful—the blood was just a bonus!

"Red" was just as bloody (not to mention unconscious) but he at least he had proven that he could hold his own against King—at least for a little while any way.

Shiro smirked. The cue ball looked pretty confident with that large weapon he was wielding –King better be careful with this one

"Ahhhhh!"

Then again?

()()()()

Shinigami World

(Kenpachi)

Watching Byakuya throw a tantrum was almost as entertaining as watching the stoic man in his spoiled prince mode—if not better.

" I strictly forbid her from dating that idiot. Did she listen? No!"

"I strictly forbid her from traveling to the human world. Did she listen? No!

"I strictly forbid her from lying to me. And yet she continues to do it again and again and again."

Byakuya threw his teacup at the wall. It shattered into fine pieces.

"Why does she do this to me? Why must she be so damn reckless?"

Kenpachi grunted as Byakuya continued his ranting.

"Has she no common sense? Does she really think that idiot can protect her?"

"Well he must have some type of skill, since you accepted him into your division."

Sure Abarai had skills. He just hadn't learned to use them.

"That is not the point!"

Byakuya was grinding his pearly whites together.

"I'm going to send both of them to the 12th division as punishment once they return."

Kenpachi snorted.

Everyone always talked about the 12th division as though it was some kind of hellish factory that housed demons and other unsightly creatures.

He himself had visited the area on more than one occasion and he had found it too be more entertaining than scary.

"How long do Madarame and Ayasegawa plan to stay away?"

"Didn't say. But I bet they'll be back either today or tomorrow."

"And Rukia and Renji are with them?"

A grunt.

"I'll take that as a yes."

()()()()

Human World

"I can't believe he was hiding that. Didya know he was hiding that?"

"You've got quite the unique zanpakuto there, Yumichika-kun."

Yumchika said nothing.

"Shiro, Grimm pick up Ichigo and follow me. The rest of you stay here."

()()()()()

(Shiro/Zan/Grimmjow/Ichigo)

"You're not really gonna let them take the brat are you?"

"In all the years that you've known me, have I ever lied?"

"No but—

"Fuck this shit! King is ours! He always will be. I'm not handin' him over to some stupid travelers!"

"Shiro, be reasonable."

"Reasonable! I'm plenty fuckin' reasonable old man. In fact I have more damn sense than any of the idiots livin' in this house—if Masaki were here she'd kick your ass!"

"Masaki is not here. And you're just a guardian, you have no true claim or hold over Ichigo."

"We're not just some stupid guardians, we're a hella lot more than that and you know it, old man."

"Can't believe I'm about to say this but puss here is right. We're way fucking more than that!"

"Shiro, Grimmjow," A series of coughs "Stop arguing with Zan."

"Pipe down brat, you should be focusing on getting air back in your lungs."

"Yeah don't strain yourself Ki—

"Zan's word is final! I'm going with them."

"The hell you are!"

()()()()()

Starrk stretched his limbs as he awoke from his slumber,

He let out a content groan as his muscles crackled back into place.

Smoky gray orbs shot open wide when a loud commotion reached his ears.

Oh dear—that could only mean one thing—Shiro and Grimm were seriously pissed the fuck off!

()()()()()

(Yumichika)

Once again Yumichika was ready to call the whole thing off.

Really if he had known the humans and non-humans were going to be so damn overdramatic about a simple "mail order bride arrangement" he would've never agreed to it in the first place.

'Course the idiotic redhead was only making matters worse

"Hope you're prepared for the most humiliating experience in your life, Ich—Ryoka! Course no one will blame you if you decide to run cryin' home to mommy once we g—OW WHAT THE FUCK!"

"I'll fuckin kill you if you breathe one more fuckin' word, Red!"

"Not if I kill him first."

"Grimm, Shiro, heel!"

"Karin-chan is right, you two are going about this all wrong," a pause, "Let's all kill him!"

()()()()()

(Ichigo)

Ichigo felt torn. For the most part he had no real desire to travel to the shinigami world and leave all he held dear to him behind. But there was a tiny part of him that needed to do this.

He felt it would some how bring him closer to his deceased mother. Masaki hadn't been a shinigami exactly—but she had lived in their world at some point in her teens. It was how she had met his father—or so Shiro had told him many times.

()()()()()

Shinigami World

(Kenpachi)

Apparently the insanity virus was flying around Soul Society.

Why else would half of the men be parading around in wigs and gowns?

No—not an insanity virus—rather it was…

The Shinigami's women's association.

The ladies were the culprits behind this little event.

"Aren't they pretty, Ken-chan?"

Pretty is not how Kenpachi would describe the scene that was currently being played out before him.

A bunch of rowdy, drunk, bare-chested men dressed in drag was not his idea of a good time.

He had no desire to see their hairy arm pits or jelly rolls.

Even the ones with out hair and jelly rolls didn't do much for him.

Too plain. Too thin. Too pale. Too desperate.

Kenpachi let out a sigh.

He had only agreed to come to this little gathering because Yachiru had asked him to.

He would not deny the pink haired girl from having her fun.

Not when she giggled and danced around the room.

Still—he wished Ikkaku and Yumichika would hurry the hell up and come back already—hopefully they'd bring a large bottle of strong alcohol with them—one that could knock him out cold for the next week.

That way, his birthday would pass by and when he next awoke from sleep, he could carry on with life as it should be.

()()()()()()()

Why the hell Kenpachi let Shunsui and Ukitake talk him into joining them for a little late night hot springs adventure, he would never know.

Maybe there was an insanity virus after all and it was finally making its way into his body.

()()()()()

"So redheads right?" Shunsui looked like the shameless pervert that he was.

Kenpachi really truly should have just tuned the man out—but he was no fool—if he tried that, the other taichou would only nag him more.

Ukitake looked uneasy (much like always) his eyes kept darting back and fourth between the locked gate and the sky.

"Expecting someone?"

The white haired man looked like a scared little mouse, he submerged almost his entire head into the water.

"I'm here. Where is the birthday boy?"

Surprise!

Yeah no, not quite!

Apparently the trio thought that having Matsumoto dye her hair a cherry wine color would convince him to what exactly?

Bed her?

Kenpachi snorted, "You shoulda just stuck with blond. That red makes you look 10 years older.

Matsumoto let out a horrified scream.

()()()()()

Human World

"So remember when we get there, let us do the talking. Think you can handle that Ich—Ryoka boy?"

Rukia bopped the redheaded idiot on the end with her recently acquired umbrella (all thanks to sweet ole' uncle Zan) "Knock it off Renji! We understand that you're sore about losing but you're acting like a child."

"Worse."

"Yes actually I take it back, a child has more manners than you do."

A snort. "A monkey has more manners than this idiot."

"Shut up!"

"Hey uh Ichigo we were hu—

"Look it's fine if Renji doesn't like me, he's not the first person and probably not the last either."

"Hey don't go puttin' words in my mouth Ichi—Ryoka Boy!"

"Hm oh I see, I get it now," Yumichika was mildly amused "Really Abarai-kun I hope you plan to tell Kuchiki-chan before things go any further."

"What is he talking about Renji?"

"Nothin' How the hell should I know?"

"Abarai-kun don't make me hurt you."

"Alright. Damn but but Rukia you have to understand it's just—it's nothin' So he's kinda attractive, so what? I still love you, you have to believe me!"

The redheads' voice cracked.

Rukia wasn't sure what to think. She glanced at the orange-haired boy, looking for answers.

Ichigo just shrugged. He had no idea what was going on anymore.

He had half a mind to turn back but—"Look can we please just get going?"

()()()()()

(Yumi/Ikka)

"Think he's caught on yet?"

"Nah, but it's a good thing he left those shape-shifter guardians behind—otherwise we'd have a real problem on our hands."

()()()()

(Shiro/Grimm/Starrk)

"This is the last time I agree to hide out in King's suitcase."

"At least the brat was kind enough to wash his underwear."

"zzzzzzzzzzzzz"

(()()()()()()()

(Ichigo and Rukia)

"So you have an older brother? Any other siblings?"

"Nii-sama isn't my blood relative, he married my older sister," a pause, "She passed away many moons ago."

"Oh uh I'm sorry."

"Sorry is not necessary because I know I'll see her again some day."

"Hey what are you two talking about over there? Stop ignoring me!"

"Is he always this obnoxious?"

"He sure is."

"And you're really dating?"

"Renji and I have been through a lot. No one really understands what it is that I see in him but," a small smile "They don't know him in the ways that I do."

"Oh. That makes sense I guess."

"So how about you? Any one special in your life?"

"I have my sisters, my guardians and Zan, I don't need anyone else."

"What about friends?"

"Sure. Who doesn't? And hey if you're ever in the human world again I'll introduce you to them."

"I'd like that."

"Hey! Stop getting so cozy over there!"

()()()()()

Early the next morning…

Shinigami world

"Ken-chan, Ken-chan guess what?"

"Hm?"

"Yun-Yun and Pachinko are back!"

A grunt.

"And they brought something really pretty with them."

A raised brow

"Are we gonna go greet them Ken-chan," the pink-haired girl was bouncing on his shoulder "Are we? Are we?"

There was a shift in the wind.

A smell in the air.

A new smell.

FRESH MEAT!

"Lead the way, Yachiru!"

TBC