Dear all,
here is the next chapter. I hope you like it. Feel free to come up with ideas for this story. I have written a few chapters that will come later on in the story. I'll try to update as soon as possible. Stay tunned for the next chapter of "His past, her present, their pain." It's almost done :))
Read, review &enjoy :))
xoxo LT
Disclaimer: Don't own NCIS...I think by now you guys know what I own :)
Lost in Transition
The hours seemed to fade away and yet a shattered man did not have the courage to face the world again. For him time had stood still the moment he had seen the child and he knew that nothing could ever be the same again. In the poorly lit room, between rows and rows of shelves a fallen knight was trying to figure out how to live again or at least find the strength to lift himself from the cold concrete floor. His back was leaning against the wall; his right leg bent slightly allowing his right arm to rest on it. The injured leg, the one that had cost him his career as a professional football player, was flatly lying on the floor, while his left hand was holding a now tussled tie. It was his favorite tie, only because she had picked out for him a long time ago. Now it was as crumpled as he felt and somehow depicted the relationship he and Ziva have had over the years. Sometimes perfect and beautiful, other times a war zone leaving them with wounds that would probably never heal. Absentmindedly he rubbed his leg, wincing slightly. He swore quietly and tried to flex the muscles, but they did not seem to obey him today. Tony did not need a hurting leg now, not when his heart was aching so badly. His index finger rubbed his temple furiously, and he hoped that maybe he could escape the impending doom of a migraine. Next to him, on the dusty floor a phone vibrated for the tenth million time, but he ignored it once again. He did not need to check the caller id to know who was looking for him. It seemed that the only one managing to keep everything together today was McGee. The young agent had showed courage when he had gravitated closer to Ziva, ready to step in if there was any threat. When Noah had been brought it in, it was McGee who had tried to somehow make the shaken boy more comfortable.
Every time Tony remembered how he had behaved when the boy entered the room he wished he could slap himself harder then Gibbs ever did. The moment he realized that Noah was basically Ziva's kid now, he felt the whole room beginning to shrink and suffocate him. He had wanted to flee the room instantly, but Ziva's anger towards Mili and the pain she experienced from losing, once again, two very important people, had kept him there. While watching the interaction between godmother and child he couldn't help himself feel something break inside of him, like somebody was stabbing him in the chest. He wasn't jealous or anything of that kind, he just knew that he had lost all hope. Over the past few months he and Ziva had somehow managed to reach a level of normality. When they had brought her back she was a ghost, a person that had lost all will and power to live and fight. Gradually though she regained her physical strength and her mental one. Tony had doubts that the emotional healing process was going as well as the other two. She refused to speak to anybody about Michael or her father and she had not let Tony even come close to such a subject. Only once had a bitter remark managed to pass through her usually sealed lips. She had told him that once she had considered herself to be extremely lucky to still have her father alive. Now she considered herself lucky to have lost a father, instead of losing herself.
To make sure that she was well at all times Tony had taken it upon himself to make her enjoy life again and to cease her self-destruction. When she had been let back into the field she had thrown herself into her work with a fury never seen before. She would spend hours in the office and work harder than anybody else. Yet Tony knew that Ziva dreaded finishing work and going home. Fear would flash in her eyes for a briefly and most of the time he felt helpless. He offered to keep her company, make her feel safe after work but she refused every time, giving him the same line over and over again. Although she had mastered the art of deception and she could basically fool anybody around her, she had sounded like a frightened girl every time had she called him at two o'clock in the morning apologizing and asking him if he could talk her back to sleep. He had driven over every time, although she had never asked him to, and made sure that her demons would let her be for one night. From that point on she had not refused his company and they had spent almost seven days out of seven together. Although he loved going out and having drinks with her and the rest of the team, his favorite Ziva-Tony time was at her apartment watching a movie, or more precisely Ziva studying for her citizenship test and him pretending to watch a movie while observing her. Countless were the times when she would fall asleep, head resting on her books and he would lift her up and put her to bed. Sometimes he would linger a while longer only to make sure that no nightmares would disturb the precious rest she needed.
Another sharp stab in his chest and Tony had to fight back a sob. Everything that had managed to build was currently going down in flames. His palm rubbed his cheek and he moved slightly, feeling his back and rear side fall asleep from too much sitting.
He would not be able to come over whenever he wanted, because now she did not have time for movies, take out or just talking and joking. Now she had a child, a heartbroken child, to take care off. He knew that she had to help the little boy fight his own demons and experiences; problem was who would help her get over hers?
Tony sighted and stirred again, the image of Ziva hugging Noah very vivid in his head. Gone would be the emotional vulnerability she had showed him numerous times, now she had to rely on her inner strength once more. Out of these things it hurt him the most the fact that she would have no space for him anymore in her life. He wanted to kick himself for being so selfish, but on the inside he was mourning the loss of his best friend and the closeness they had shared. His head fell back against the wall and he started bumping it against the concrete hoping that at some point he would know how to handle Noah, her more precisely how to handle the "it" him and Ziva had.
McGee found Tony still bumping his head against the wall twenty minutes later. He took Tony's lousy state in and breathed deeply, knowing that the man will at one point tell him what's bothering him, although he had a pretty good idea what it was. Quietly he sat down next to his friend and removed his tie, watching Tony intensely.
"Leave me alone McGoo. I'm not in the talking mood." He said tiered, his right hand rubbing his face.
"I don't want to talk. I'm here to get you, but since I am here and it's quiet I decided to sit." McGee explained causing Tony to chuckle.
"Gibbs sent you." Tony concluded and McGee wasn't surprised by his statement. "Sorry probie for disappearing on you. Just needed some time to think." The man went on, turning his head towards McGee's direction but not ceasing his head banging.
"DiNozzo, I would stop that if I were you. Gibbs already gave you brain damage and I don't think you want to make it worst." McGee laughed pointing towards Tony's head.
"Heh! I thought I would make the migraine go away. Turns out it only made it worst."
"Wow, Tony, how did you come to the conclusion that hitting your head against a wall would make the migraine only worst? That's pure genius." McGee noted with sarcasm.
Tony did not reply, instead left his vision roam through the room. He liked going into the evidence looker. It was the only place in the building where he could lose himself and nobody would notice. Here he could throw a fit, scream on top of his lungs and no one would hear him.
"How did you find me?" Tony broke the silence.
"Well, Abby's lab and the morgue were busy so there was no way for you to hide there. The break room was full and I know you did not leave the premises. Gibbs would have had your head." Tim explained, getting his phone out of his pocket and putting it next to him.
"Why should I be hiding McGee?" an irritated Tony asked.
"Tony, I saw your face when Noah came into the room. You were practically climbing out the window. The moment Gibbs opened the door to the conference room you bolted. I knew that you needed some time to chew this through. I get it, this is big and it will change everything between you and Ziva." McGee spoke, putting an arm on Tony's shoulder.
"It will change everything McGee. We were just going back to normal and now…" he let the words linger, sure that McGee would understand.
"You need to define what normal is Tony. You guys went to hell and back. I'm sure you will be able to work this trough." McGee went on seeing the doubt on Tony's face.
"It's not the fact that Ziva and me are more messed up, I'm afraid that a kid would shatter any remaining balance she still has. She'll do exactly what she had done when she started working again; throw herself into work not caring that it could exhaust her to death. I do not know how to deal with that and her not letting anybody help her. She has been so reluctant to let anybody in, now she'll put her defenses back on."
"I don't think she will not let us help her. Tony she had a panic attack earlier." Tim told him, studying his features.
Tony's body left the ground and was now hovering over McGee. "What?" he said, starring at McGee, his face a picture of pure concern.
"What happened? Did she have a flashback?"
The IT expert shook his head patiently, hoping that he would be able to calm Tony somehow.
"No. She freaked because of Noah. She thinks she will not be able to be a good parent." He explained.
"That's ridiculous!" The older agent spoke frowning.
McGee shrugged, taking his phone and getting up from his sitting position.
"Where is she now?"
"She's with Gibbs. He took her out for some coffee, while Noah slept. He wants us to go down to Abby's lab and wait for him." Tim explained moving towards the elevator.
"Hey McGee wait up. Why does Gibbs want to talk to us?" Tony asked running after McGee, who was already inside the elevator.
"Dunno. But I think we should get going." He said pressing the button of the elevator when he saw Tony slide in.
The ride was silent, both men deep in thought. When the doors opened they both saw that the team was already there. Even Palmer showed up.
"Glad you both could join us." Gibbs spoke.
"When do I get to see Naoh, Gibbs?" Abby asked clapping happily.
"When Ziva says it's ok. She's calming him down as we speak." Gibbs explained, pulling a chair.
"What's this all about Jethro?" Ducky asked and the gray haired agent could see that this question was on everybody's mind.
"We need to help Ziva. She's overwhelmed and she needs all the help she can get." He began turning slightly so he could see everybody.
"I offered her to stay at my place until she can get a bigger apartment. When we don't have a case I want us to go with her apartment hunting. I told Ziva that you would help her with babysitting when needed. She has to bring him to work, so Abby and Ducky I will be relying on you to keep an eye on him once in a while. He's a quiet kid so he won't give you any trouble." He trailed away, looking at the happy Goth and the ME.
"Yey! We will have so much fun." She jumped but seeing Gibbs' expression made her bow her head and keep quiet.
"You have to go easy on the kid. He lost both his parents, saw them getting 's already terrified that he'll lose Ziva as well. Be patient with him." Gibbs advised.
"Is that understood?" they all nodded looking at him while he stood up from his chair.
"One more thing. DiNozzo, I hope you won't be bolting every time you see her with Noah. She's your partner and she'll need you."
He nodded and Gibbs left leaving his team behind.
