I couldn't just drop Seducing Revenge after that past chapter. I needed answers just as much as Bella did, so I kept writing after I finished the last chapter. Sorry, Suave Secrets fans. Seducing Revenge is much more important to me right now.
Enjoy!
Two weeks have passed since the best and worst night of my life. My missions still wasn't accomplished. Jacob told me James was in Russia, looking for a new woman to replace me. Apparently that's what he's been doing for the past five years. It made me kind of smug to know that I was irreplaceable.
I caught up on my sleep and I forced myself to eat for the past two weeks. My body and mind were strong, but my heart was still being sawed apart tendril by tendril. It wasn't as distracting as it once was, but it still hurt more than any torture I'd endured while training.
"Bella," Jacob called from his computer. I was still in bed. "Come here, I found something."
I groaned as I moved my dead weight body out of bed and into the living room.
Jacob glanced at me to make sure I'd come to hear this before looking back at the computer. "James won't be back for another two days, hon. He thinks he's found potential in a young Ukrainian. He's going a two day-long assessment before coming back to Washington."
I sighed and sat down on the couch, curling my toes around the edge of the coffee table.
"I don't think I can just sit here for another two days, Jake," I mumbled, scratching at my bruised hip bones.
"Maybe you could visit Carlisle, then," Jacob suggested nonchalantly. "Maybe if he gave you some answers, you'd understand your impulses and instincts better. It could help you fight James."
I swallowed loudly. "I–I can't, Jacob. It's too much still. It still...it still hurts." My eyes welled up with fake tears again. You'd think the sensation would disappear after five years of not having tear ducts, but apparently not.
"You need to beat this, Bella," Jacob murmured, still looking at the computer. "If you're not ready to face Carlisle now, in your weakest state, you'll never be able to face him. He's the icing on your cake, Bells. You need him more than James to enjoy life."
I sniffed and considered this. Carlisle would give me answers, but James would give me satisfaction. Carlisle would make me realize what I actually was, but James would make me feel complete. Carlisle would probably be more scared of me than I was of him and James would probably laugh at my attempts to hurt him. Carlisle wouldn't kill me, but James would.
I needed answers before satisfaction. And I needed to leave Edward one final goodbye message.
I'd never realized how suicidal all of this was. I truly was on my way to eternal satisfaction. Whether I went to Heaven or Hell, it didn't matter. I'd die trying and that would make me happy.
I nodded and stood up.
"Where's Carlisle?"
Jacob's head snapped to me. He grinned and started clacking away on his computer.
I was packed and ready to go when I found something in my boot that I had worn in Italy. Edward's cell phone. I had forgotten all about it.
I turned the thin blue phone on and started invading Edward's privacy, starting with any missed alerts. He didn't have any from FBI agents, just his brother, Emmett, and someone named Jasper. They were both trivial texts about weddings and fiancé's, so I didn't ponder on them. I went to call history after this. There were only two outgoing calls. One to Emmett and one to his mom and dad's home. My fingers tingled as I considered phoning Carlisle. I could get answers over the phone, couldn't I?
No, no, I needed to see Carlisle. This had to be in person.
I went to incoming calls and groaned. Apparently Edward couldn't afford caller I.D. There were eleven unknown callers. Thanks for all the help, Cullen, I grumbled mentally.
There were no missed calls. This made me scowl. Weren't people worried about where Edward was, or at least where his cell phone was now? I guess Edward had only been held hostage for four days, and he probably thought he'd lost his cell phone in Italy.
I flipped through his very small contact list that consisted of work numbers, his parent's numbers, his own home phone number, Emmett, Jasper, Alice, Rosalie, and...Tanya. Why'd he still have her in his phone? They'd been over for six months already.
Could he still be in love with her? I guess I'd never considered it as a possibility before. I'd always assumed once the person was gone, so were the feelings. But I knew that was a lie now. The feelings just turn to pain, but you still love the person.
I was almost mad at him. How dare he play with me like that when he's still in love with her! That was inconsiderate and cocky and...probably not true. Edward wouldn't do something like that.
I flipped back up to Edward's home number. It would be around seven a.m. in Washington right now; he should still be at home. My finger hovered over the talk button. I took a deep breath and pressed it and put his phone to my ear.
He picked up on the second right.
"Hello, Edward Cullen speaking."
I held my breath.
"Hello? Who is this?"
A sob escaped my throat.
"Bella?"
I hung up after that. I thought maybe hearing his voice would make the pain go away, but it didn't. It made it a million times worse.
I quickly snapped the phone in half so Edward couldn't phone me back or get someone to track me. I really needed to finish this alone, just how I had started it.
I took a nice long shower and put on normal clothes for once. I'd spent a lot of time with Renee, mostly talking about Edward leaving. Sure, she didn't know the truth, but she knew that I was hurt and she could help. I told her I didn't have any clothes that didn't remind me of him, so she gave me some of hers.
Right now, I was just wearing a satin green shirt and a pair of dark wash jeans. Something that the old me would wear if she were flying to meet her love's parents for the first and last time.
I walked into the kitchen and ate a granola bar. They were my addiction right now, and I wanted to enjoy my last meal.
"Hey, Bella," Jacob greeted quietly when he walked into the kitchen holding some papers. "Here's everything you'll need for now. Phone me for anything else."
I nodded slowly, still chewing my last bite of my granola bar. I grabbed the papers and set them on the table.
"Where do I leave?" I asked quietly, my previously flat voice warming up with determination as I got closer and closer to my maker.
"I have to take you to the airport right now," Jacob murmured. I think he knew he'd never see me again. He looked sad.
"Okay," I mumbled with a grim nod. "Let's go then."
We grabbed my bags and information and packed it into the truck. I said a silent goodbye to my sort of home base. It would be the only place I considered home.
We drove to the airport and I said goodbye to the dry air and land of Arizona one last time. I think I'll miss being in the sun...
We silently moved through the airport to my boarding area. The sense of goodbye was definitely thick between Jacob and I. We just sort of...knew that this was it. The obstacle that we couldn't beat. I was thankful that I worked alone. At least Jacob wouldn't be killed because of me.
I hesitated before getting in line to board. I couldn't just leave without saying anything at all.
I turned to Jacob and threw my arms around his waist, squeezing him tightly. He squeezed me back, his body begging me to never let go.
We pulled away and looked at each other.
"Goodbye, Jacob," I murmured. "Take care of Renee and Charlie and Seth for me, 'kay?"
"This is the end," Jacob mumbled to himself, shaking his head.
"And give Mer to Leah," I added. "Don't let her rot to death in Chicago."
Jacob kept shaking his head.
"Give all my money to my parents and yourself."
"No."
I groaned. "Come on, Jacob. I need you to do this for me if...if things end badly."
"They won't," Jacob tried to say confidently. But his voice oozed with panic.
I grabbed his hand one last time, squeezing it and smiling sadly before heading onto the plane and leaving my old life behind.
I sat down and began looking through Carlisle Cullen's information.
He was currently residing in Forks, Washington with his wife, Esme Cullen. He worked at Forks General Hospital as a general practitioner. He lived in Washington's biggest mansion near the mountains.
That's all I needed to know. I didn't want to know about his perfect sons or how great of a doctor he was. This was already hard on my nerves and my heart, for Christ's sake.
The plane landed in Seattle and then I boarded the smaller plane that took us to Port Angeles. I glanced at the itinerary Jacob had made for me. I had a rental for once instead of a usually greasy driver. It was a decent car, too. A blue Audi. I could have my last bit of fun with that.
I followed the road signs to Forks rather quickly. Thank God the cops weren't on my side of the freeway; I pushed ninety the whole way to the small town.
I slowed down as my tires splashed in the slushy puddles on Railroad Avenue in Forks.
I pulled into a small cafe for directions.
What would be a good lie? I could pretend to be Aro's daughter. I doubt anyone knew who Aro was. That could be so realistic it was unbearable.
I put the car in park and took the keys out before getting out. I auto-locked the car and walked into the small diner. Every head snapped towards me. I felt sort of unwelcome in their company.
They eventually went back to their own conversations, brushing the alien appearance off pretty easily.
I sat down on a stool and cleared my throat. The waitress walked over to me with a smile.
"What can I do for ya, darlin'?" she asked, holding the coffee pot in one hand the other hand on her hip.
"I'm looking for the Cullen place," I replied, already slipping into stealth-mode. "You see, Carlisle and Esme are my aunt and uncle, but I've never been here to visit by myself before, and I have no idea where to go."
The waitress's smile broadened. "I'll write it out the directions for you." She clicked her pen, set the pot down, and began scribbling on an order form.
Ten minutes later, I had a very detailed map of how to get to the Cullen homestead and a free banana nut muffin. I hopped back in the Audi and started following Mandy's directions.
It only took about twenty minutes to get to the farm in the mountains. There was an extremely long driveway right off the highway and I knew I was at the right place. I drove down it and laid eyes on the most beautiful house and scene in the world.
The house was white with a million large windows and you could only see the mountains vaguely through the downpour. It literally took my breath away. Carlisle had taste.
I parked in the gravel driveway and ran onto the porch under the protection of the roof. I was breathing heavily and kind of freaking out. I was literally about to meet one of my makers.
I raised a shaking hand to the white door and knocked timidly, hoping secretly that no one was home.
A woman with a warm smile and barely any gray hair opened the door.
"Hello," she greeted, letting me into her house. "I'm Esme Cullen, and you are?"
"Bella," I answered stiffly, feeling uncomfortable with her openness. "Bella Swan."
Her eyes widened in fear.
"C-Carlisle!" she called, her voice shaking. "Come here, please!"
I huffed. I wasn't going to hurt anyone. I just wanted to talk. Couldn't she tell?
"Hello, Bella," a clear voice greeted. It sounded like a wiser Edward and that made a lump rise in my throat.
"Carlisle," I replied in a thick voice.
I finally looked up at my possible solution. Thank God he didn't have bronze hair, or I probably would have burst into tearless sobs.
He had blonde streaked with white hair and Edward's bone structure, or rather, Edward had his bone structure. He had icy blue eyes that looked fearful right now. He was wearing a light blue button-down shirt and creamy corduroy pants with a brown belt. He wrapped a protective arm around his wife and I knew I could have never killed this man. He was the father I never really had.
"I'm not here to hurt anyone," I murmured, slipping my dirty flats off. "I need answers."
I heard Carlisle let out a sigh of relief. Wow, did he ever trust easily. It would be too easy to kill a man like him.
"Follow me," Carlisle commanded softly, motioning towards the stairs.
"Carlisle–" Esme pleaded.
Carlisle shook his head. "It'll be fine, Esme. Look at her, she's hurting somewhere."
My eyes widened in surprise. How did he know that? Surely I wasn't that easily read.
"Come, Bella," Carlisle murmured, beginning to climb the grand staircase.
I followed him into a large study full of books and papers. He sat down behind the desk and I sat down in front. I felt like I was back in high school in the principal's office, as usual.
Carlisle folded his hands over his desktop calendar. I almost expected him to say, "What did you do this time, Swan?"
"What do you want to know?" he asked softly, never looking me directly in the eyes. He felt guilty.
"Everything you know about me and James," I answered automatically. "I don't need our life stories though, just anything to do with Project R."
Carlisle nodded and picked up a pair of glasses before studying me carefully.
"James started Project R about a year before we decided on all of our specimens. He was the FBI's top agent in international affairs and he felt like no one was good enough, save himself, to take care of the foreign spies. He proposed this idea to a small team of elites first, including me. I was the surgeon, Aro Basso was the physical trainer, Victoria Tompkins was the record keeper and recruiter, and James would take care of everything in between.
"We all thought it would be a good idea. The government needed better international spies. We were seriously lacking. James proposed that we choose potential spies and alter their physical make-up, with their permission, to empower them more. The FBI agreed to fund our project, along with a few sponsors that were interested in the idea.
"Victoria brought in seventeen males that knew what they were getting into. James said he was going to bring in the eighteenth person. He showed up six months after I finished the last surgery with you in tow."
Carlisle cleared his throat and glanced away from me.
"Nothing you say can possibly destroy me anymore than I already am," I assured him in a dead voice.
He nodded to himself and continued. "We put you under and James spoke to me. He wanted to alter your mind frame as well. I didn't think it was ethical, but he assured me that you approved of the idea."
I gritted my teeth, but held back my outrage. I was definitely going to go down swinging now.
"He told me what to alter, and eighteen hours later, I was done. I put you into a medicine-induced coma for three weeks so your brain would heal quicker. James wanted you to train with the others.
"James urged me to stay for training so I could witness the so-called medical miracles I had performed on his candidates, specifically you.
"I was disgusted with what I had done. You were all monsters." He glanced at me, his face full of dear.
"I agree completely," I murmured dully. "Why do you think I ran?"
Carlisle smiled crookedly and I had to look away. My heart was pumping me full of acid. It hurt so damn much to be around someone like Edward.
"Ah, yes," he replied somewhat cheerfully. "The only escapee. James never expected you to run. That's why you got away. Everyone else was on constant watch, but he trusted you to never wander away from him. I guess you trusted your instincts more than you trusted James. That's probably the smartest decision you've ever made. Especially since James enjoyed torturing you more than any of the others."
I winced, looking at the fading scars on my bare arms from the chains, whips, cement...anything that could leave a mark, really.
"I left after that," Carlisle continued. "I disassociated myself with the project and told the FBI to pull its funding too. I never thought the FBI would take them back in. But, Emmett's predecessor, Harold Banner, decided it'd be for the best. It turned into an asset for Emmett and Edward, my sons, but you probably already know of them."
So much better than you'll ever know, dear Carlisle.
"They were able to keep a close watch on your...activities. You are infamous amongst government agents, Bella. Everyone knows your name and story. It's the story Emmett tells the rookies when he wants to scare them during training. You are every agent's darkest fantasy and greatest fear."
It was silent in the study. I had turned myself into a horror story. The killer female agent that came to you in a sexy outfit. Certain and sudden death.
I sighed. "Do you...know if I could ever be normal again?"
Carlisle looked at my grimly. "Bella, the surgery I performed was very complicated...and permanent. I'm so sorry."
My throat closed and I stared at the carpet. Everything I had ever hoped and worked for was useless, pointless, hopeless.
"Thank – thank you," I mumbled, standing up and turning leave. "You don't have to worry about me anymore. Tell Emmett that the scary story is going to be a myth soon."
Carlisle followed me. "Are you stopping the killing spree, Bella? Or are you–"
"I'm stopping the killing spree, I guess," I murmured with a sad, twisted smile. "In a way."
I walked out of the study and down the stairs.
I cleared my throat. Esme turned around, still scared of me.
"May I use the washroom before I leave?" I asked innocently.
"Of – of course," she stammered, pointing to a door on my left.
I entered it and locked the door behind me. I sat down on the toilet and grabbed my pen, paper, and envelope that I'd put in my pocket before I got out of the car.
"Edward," I began writing in my messy cursive writing.
Don't expect me on your doorstep. I'm sorry I couldn't live a normal life without meeting my maker.
I met your parents. They're very nice; even though I'm pretty sure your mom's devising some plan to escape. You know I would never hurt them, and your dad knows that, too.
He told me everything, Edward. I know what I am and what I'll always be. I don't know why I hoped that I could magically turn back into who I was before, but it was in my head. Now I know that I always be crazy.
I'm going to see James tomorrow. Its suicide, I'm sure, but I don't care. You were the only thing I was looking forward to anyway.
I'll love you until the end. Don't forget that.
Forever crazy,
Isabella Marie Swan
I smiled with satisfaction at my letter. It was light, but it still conveyed my message pretty well. I sealed the envelope and wrote the addresses on the front.
I walked out of the bathroom to see Carlisle and Esme waiting for me. Esme still looked uneasy, but Carlisle looked sad for me.
"Goodbye, Bella Swan," Carlisle murmured. "Thank you."
"Thank you for...everything, Carlisle," I replied softly. "Have a wonderful life."
The warm, sad smile became more pronounced and I left the house, soon driving down the driveway and back onto the highway. I quickly stopped in at the post office to send the letter and then I left to meet death.
Okay, just a head's up to my fanfic fans: I WILL NOT BE ON MUCH FOR A WHILE. My life is sort of crazy, and as many of you know, the real world is much more important than fanfic life, even though this is less stressful. I'm not on hiatus, I'll still be writing, it'll just be much slower than usual. You don't need details; you just need to know that I might not post for a while. It could be anywhere for a week to three weeks though. I'm not sure yet.
Before you say Bella shouldn't be so dramatic (or I shouldn't write so dramatically), remember her feelings are always intense. She doesn't feel vague about anything. She always feels the extremities.
Haha, I seriously considered throwing Edward in right after Carlisle says, "...You are every government's agent's darkest fantasy and greatest fear." How wicked would it have been to have Edward come in and be all, "It's true, Bella. You're my greatest fear, but I want you more than I've ever wanted anything. Now kiss me, you psycho bitch." Haha, oh boy. Aren't ya just a sucker for happy endings?
And the letter. Oh, boy, the letter. I had trouble making it NON-melodramatic! I just couldn't make Bella simmer down during this chapter! So, sorry about being so damn melodramatic.
Yeah, I messed up a lot, but oh well. Everything can't be perfect in my own world, now can it?
Songs:
Black Balloon - The Goo Goo Dolls
Reason: Bella thinking about Edward
Love Remains the Same - Gavin Rossdale
Reason: Bella still loves Edward.
Broken - Lifehouse
Reason: Bella thinking about dying and never seeing Edward again.
Mmkay, that's it, that's all! Ha, 'cept for the wager! I wanna make it to 250 before I post again. That would be, like, amazing, readers. It'd make me smile when I really don't feel like smiling! Make a girl happy, pwease? (That would mean I need 17 people to review. That's not that much, now is it? He he he...)
Review, review, review!
