"You have a second chance, Naomi, don't you see that? You lost Emily but you have a chance to find some closure?" Effy said softly as we pulled up in of tour house outside London.
"I'm aware of that, Elizabeth, but it's not your place to try and fuck around with it. I'm an adult and you have no idea how I'm feeling right" I say shortly unbuckling my seatbelt.
" Fuck you. Freddie is dead, Naomi. He was murdered by my own fucking therapist, he was beaten to death, remember? You think I don't know about pain, sadness and loss? You think you know about loss and heartbreak you don't. You're just the same scared girl running way from the possibility that someone might care. You fucked Emily over and then when you finally put yourself out there you got rejected. Boo fucking Whoo, at least you can still see Emily. I live on hazy ghosts" she growls at me.
I stare at her in shock, tears trickling down my cheeks. I get out of the car and slam the door, and walk into our house.
"Aunty Naomi!" his voice fills the house and I feel four limbs wrap around my body.
"Hey little man, how was your weekend with Nanna?" I say, pulling the six year-old boy into my chest closer, smelling his sweet child like scent.
"Awesome, we ate ice-cream and saw the boats" he said, this innocent eyes wide with excitement.
"Really? Wow, I wish I was there" I say placing him down as he ran off towards the living room. Slowly I followed him.
"Hello Anthea" I half smile at her
"Hello Naomi, love. How was the city?" Effy's mum had changed a lot in six years, she was a mess but with the birth of Freddie James Stonem she had grown into a mature older woman.
"Good. Interesting" I say sitting down watching little Freddie play with his X-box. He was so much like his father it was incredible. The long gangly limbs, the mocha skin colour, the raven locks but he had Effy's piercing ocean eyes. I close my eyes and think about the day Effy realised she was pregnant.
I had just arrived back to the room from buying some shopping in the nameless town, opening the door I found Effy sitting up in bed, her eyes alert for the first time in weeks.
"Hey" I said, dropping my bags and uncapping the milk for a swig.
"I'm pregnant"
I choked so hard, milk came out my nose and half the bottle went down my front. When I finally calmed down I looked at Effy and she stared right on back until we broke down in laughter. We laughed until our stomach's hurt and little tears fell down our cheeks, it was the first time in weeks we both felt a tiny bit of humanity touch us and we clung to it. As we calmed down and lay on the bed together, silence overtook as the thoughts processed through our heads.
"I want to keep it. It's my final part of Freddie, this little being we made together. I can't lose it. I'm a complete fuck up and I'll be an awful mum but I can't let him slip away" Effy whispered her hands on her flat stomach.
"I know" I whisper back, gently placing a hand over hers on her stomach, "I'll be here the whole way"
"I'm scared Naomi, but for the first time in my life I feel hopeful like I'm doing something meaningful. Our baby is us. He lost his life but somehow in all this death, destruction and pain, a new hopeful little life is formed. So fragile and unknowing" Effy told me as tears streaked down her cheeks.
I nodded; this was Effy on her way back to sanity. It was intense, and raw. So heartbreaking yet so incredibly amazing because it was as if fate had stepped in and brought Effy back to reality in the only way she would possibly be pulled back.
"God I hope it's nothing like your mum or dad" I say to her, trying to break a little of the tension.
"Oh fuck me, I pity the poor little bastard if it is" she replies smiling brightly through her tears.
Effy squeezed my hand over her stomach and we smile at each other. Fate was a strange and powerful thing.
"You alright Naomi love", Anthea's voice drew me out of my trance and I nodded smiling at her and looking back at Freddie engrossed in his game.
It hadn't been easy, first we had arranged to meet Anthea and discuss what was to be done. She was both pessimistic but thrilled and then once we were set up in this little house, nine months flew past and Effy was squeezing my hand in a crowded hospital room.
"It's a boy! Congratulations Elizabeth, you have a beautiful son", said the nurse smiling and placing the tiny blanket wrapped bundle into Effy's arms.
Effy stared at the baby, tears falling down her face. I knew. This was the moment the old Effy slipped away, the girl from Bristol who got fucked up every night of the week, to the woman who had lost the love of her life but gained something in the process.
"He looks like a alien" I say to her grinning.
"Just like his father" she replies, to me smiling.
"What we going to call him then" I ask her gently running my finger over the beautiful babies cheek.
"Freddie" she says simply and I can't help be doubtful of the name.
"You sure?" I say to her, worry in my eyes.
"Yes. Look at him" she says gazing adoringly to the little baby. Mocha skin and raven black hair. He was Freddie's alright.
"Freddie it is" I smile at her
"Freddie James" she says to me. I look at her wide eyed and nodded. Cook. I never thought Effy thought about Cook but maybe I was wrong.
"Frederick James Stonem. Welcome to the world. We'll try not let you get fucked up by it" I say squeezing Effy's hand and kissing Freddie's head.
"Mummy!" Freddie threw himself at Effy and snuggled into her neck.
"Hey Freds" said Effy pulling him close, her eyes closing as she clung to him. She always missed him even if they were separated just for the weekend. They clung to each other for a few moments before pulling back as Effy smiled at him and he happily chatted to her about his weekend.
"Sounds wonderful, monster" said Effy putting him down and walking over to embrace her mother. I decided this was the time to leave and headed to my bedroom. The moment I slipped onto my bed I crashed. A thousand memories of Emily, Effy and baby Freddie overtook my conscious and I slipped into them drowning. Effy's painful words repeating themselves over and over in my head
When I woke up again, Effy was sitting on the bottom of my bed, Anthea must have gone. I sat up but avoided looking at her. She'd hurt me. It was the truth but it was the truth that hurt the most.
"I'm sorry" she whispered to me, crawling up next to me and snuggling into my shoulder, "I'm so sorry".
I relaxed my body and slipped my arm around her.
"It's okay", I say simply, and it was. Effy was right I was still scared and I still cared so deeply for Emily, so much that it was killing me. I wanted to connect with Emily but when I was with her after every skipping heart beat a painful twinge followed.
We stayed in silence, holding each other. Both our heads filled with thoughts from the past.
Suddenly out of nowhere the door burst over and Freddie charged into the room, bouncing onto the bed and on top of us.
"Mum, Aunty Naoms, can we have pizza for dinner?" he said smiling charmingly at us.
"Will you bugger off if I say yes?" Effy asked him pulling him closer between us.
"Nope" he replied snuggling into my pillows and the space.
"Okay then yes we can have pizza", I replied and wrapped myself around him. We lay there, just the three of us, Freddie asking questions about random things all the while Effy clung to my hand. He was his father's son. Sometimes I think Freddie's birth was the day Effy and I were truly reborn.
