Holy crap, you guys! Blah blah blah, author's note at the end.

Chapter 23

Ichigo sighed, leaning back in the bed. He could feel Grimmjow's head still lying next to his chest and smiled at the feeling. Yuzu had gone home, so now it was just the two of them. It had been a while since he had been able to spend time with Grimmjow, but now that he was stuck in a hospital bed, it was kind of bothersome. He wondered what happened that brought upon this visit. He didn't remember much about the day, only recalling being with Orihime. He knew she was okay, so it was hard to figure out exactly what happened. The fact that Grimmjow kept saying it was his fault bothered Ichigo some and he hoped he could get an explanation soon. His ears picked up the sound of the blunet's deep breathing and he turned his face towards it, wondering how long it would be before he would be released from the hospital. Or at least how long it would take before he could get his eye surgery. He had already spoken about it with his eye doctor and he hoped the recent happenings wouldn't set his schedule back. His eyesight was so close that he could taste it and he was starting to act like a fat kid standing in front of a buffet.

Nothing else mattered. Being able to see was the only thing he was worried about now. He knew he would heal from whatever happened, but his sight was something that he had been longing for since it had been taken away. The thought of seeing Grimmjow for the first time made him giddy with excitement. To see the eyes that had been gazing at him for months at a time. The lips that spoke to him and smiled at him, kissed him. To be able to see the hands that he constantly felt running across his body, the very ones that played the piano so beautifully. It was something that he could no longer wait for.

His eyesight would bring back his confidence, bring back the feeling that he could fight through anything. It would bring a sense of security to him that he never realized had been missing. His hand lowered and he felt for the softness of locks, slowly running his hand through them. This feeling was nice too, being able to feel secure with just Grimmjow's presence. The blunet had become his blanket and he knew that one day he would have to push those needy feeling away. He would no longer be able to completely rely on Grimmjow. The time for him to become his own self again was coming fast and even though he was ready for it, it felt a little overwhelming. He had been blind for a little over a year now and it would feel awkward going back to how life used to be.

He cracked a smile. The only difference was that he would finally have someone he loved, standing by his side. He would be the normal scowling orange haired man with the newness of Grimmjow near him. It was exciting to think about how life would be after being able to see again. Leaning back, he sighed, letting his eyes drop closed.

Though seeing was what he wanted. This feeling wasn't so bad either. Just him and Grimmjow, in a sea of darkness.


Renji leaned back in his seat, gazing out at the various cars in front of him. He had come back to see Ichigo at the hospital just as he said he would. Regardless if Grimmjow was there or not, Ichigo had seemed adamant on talking to him and he wondered what about.

He wondered if Grimmjow had told Ichigo about his feeling and the thought made his face drain of color. That was the last thing he wanted his best friend to know, at least before he was able to tell him himself. He had spoken about it that night, but only because of Ichigo's unconscious state. It had been the only time he was able to say it in complete confidence.

Leaning back, he stared at the ceiling of his car, his russet eyes low and tired. Sleep still wasn't coming easy, still worried that Ichigo wasn't completely healthy. He had listened in when Grimmjow had spoken to the doctors, wanting nothing more to know for himself. It seemed the oranget was okay, but there was still a bit a doubt left in Renji. And the other thing that he couldn't stop thinking about was the rage and jealousy he had for Grimmjow. He couldn't see past his own desires to monopolize his hate towards the blunet.

He couldn't see the fact that Ichigo would never love him and even thinking about it made his heart twist with pain. He couldn't understand that Ichigo needed him as a friend more than some lovesick intolerant man. Sighing, he stepped out of the car, slamming the door shut and locking it. His hands dug into his pockets as he made his way inside of the hospital, his longer than average hair blowing in the strong breeze. Letting it grow much longer only showed that he didn't care much for dealing with it. The normal spikiness was now uneven and dangling from his high ponytail.

The familiar smell of disinfectant hit him hard as he stepped into the hospital and made a beeline straight to Ichigo's room, wanting to get this over with more than he thought. His stomach churned and even though he wanted to see Ichigo, he just didn't have the urge to stay there for too long. What was he going to say to him? Why did Ichigo sound so determined to speak to him? It just didn't sit well with him and he feared what the orange haired man was going to say.

His hands were sweating the closer he got to the room, but he was not going to turn back now. Finally making it there, he pushed the wide wooden door open only to freeze in the doorway. His russet eyes gazed at the pained expression on Ichigo's face as the doctor spoke to him. He could see blue hair out the corner of his eyes, but his mind was focused on his best friend. Renji watched a male nurse stand near Ichigo's bed, his arms spread towards the orange haired man as if he was waiting for him to fall.

The soft whimpering coming from the oranget's lips was far too loud to Renji and he had to cover his mouth as he watched on. Ichigo struggled to move his legs and the red head could practically see the perspiration forming on the pale skin and the shaking of limbs. The white eyes were gazing forward, the orange brows furrowed the more the oranget struggled.

"Calm down, Kurosaki-san. You don't want to try too hard. Why don't we take a break for a bit?"

Renji had to look away, his heart throbbing, knowing that there was something seriously wrong. He just hoped it wasn't as bad as he thought it was.


Grimmjow's eyes were trained on Ichigo as the orange haired man tried his hardest to move his legs. The strain on the facial muscles was evident in the struggle that Ichigo was having with himself. The sweat bitterly rolled down the oranget's face and Grimmjow didn't know how much he could take. It was obvious that Ichigo was suffering and Grimmjow was ready to yell some choice words to the female doctor.

He sighed and ran a hand though his hair before looking away, only to wince at the soft whimper that came from Ichigo's lips. The blunet would never get it out of his mind that this was his entire fault. He now thought twice about letting Luppi live and if Ichigo was cemented to a wheelchair for the rest of his life then Grimmjow would never be able to live with himself.

I can't take anymore of this. I need a breather.

Grimmjow started to make his way towards the exit, his eyes staying glued to the door. The blue orbs noticed the long red hair and for the first time was relieved to actually see Renji. Though they still weren't that close, Grimmjow had a feeling that he could confide in the red haired male. Coppery brown eyes were trained on Ichigo's frustrated form and Grimmjow could see the tiredness and stress in the dark eyes. It was the same way he was feeling and the blunet knew if anyone felt the same way as him. It was Renji.

"Hey, man," he whispered, his tone laced with fatigue.

"Hey," responded Renji as he turned Grimmjow's way. He could tell the older man hadn't gotten much sleep from the dark circles around the blue eyes and the redness that was engulfing the white sclera. "How, uh, how is Ichigo doing?" Renji already knew the answer from what he had just witness, but he needed to be sure. He needed to know that Ichigo would be fine in the long run.

Grimmjow just sighed, lowering his eyes to his feet. "Not really sure yet. The doctor is still doin' some tests. He went in for x-rays this morning, so we're just waiting on those." Looking back up he continued. "…Ya mind if we talk somewhere else? I really need to get out of this room."

Renji gazed at the blunet, his face showing an unnamable expression. He had come to see Ichigo, not lend the blunet a shoulder to confess his fears on. The sapphire eyes showed desperation, fear, doubt and a million other things Renji could name. In all, Grimmjow was terrified of what was going to happen to Ichigo. He was angry with himself for the choices he had made, at how this incident had taken a toll on his state of mind. He wasn't the cocky, arrogant man Renji somehow knew him as.

Sighing, he glanced away and looked back towards Ichigo, seeing his best friend lying under his covers, the man's face showing just how tired he was. He guessed he could give Ichigo a few moments and nodded to Grimmjow before slipping back out of the room.

"I'll be back, Ichi," Renji heard Grimmjow say. The red head didn't know where he was going, but he just let his feet take him wherever, hearing Grimmjow follow in step next to him. They trudged down a few corridors in complete silence, the sounds of medics surrounding them.

"...How about some coffee?" Renji mumbled, receiving a grunt from the taller male. He guessed Grimmjow needed to talk to him in private almost as much as Ichigo did.


Sapphire eyes gazed down at the steaming deep brown liquid. Even though he had gotten some sleep, he could still feel his eyes drooping closed. He had been comforted by Ichigo's presence, but the guilt inside him wasn't making his life any better. The fact that Ichigo was struggling to move his lower half was enough to drive the blunet over the edge. He was losing his faith, his strength and he was losing his ability to even be by Ichigo's side.

"So…" Renji wasn't sure what he should say. The atmosphere was dense with frustration and Renji watched the blue eyebrows crease inwardly. Grimmjow was beating himself up way too much about everything. Renji knew this wasn't his fault from the get go, yet he could see that the statement he had made was weighing on the blunet's mind. The sheer disappointment in Grimmjow was showing like a light through fog and it made Renji curse under his breath. He knew it was wrong of him to be selfish in the situation. This was about making sure Ichigo was relaxed and if he was holding a grudge against Grimmjow, then the atmosphere between them all would be frustrating.

Leaning back in the chair, Renji gazed across the table at the lowered dull blue eyes. The blue hair was flat and disheveled. "How are ya doing?" That question was better than sitting there without a thing to say. Grimmjow probably wouldn't tell him the truth, but it couldn't hurt to ask.

"I feel like utter shit," he mumbled. Oh, well, Renji guessed wrong. He had thought Grimmjow would show a façade and try to be macho about everything. Just another thing Renji envied when it came to the blunet. "The fact that Ichigo is just sittin' there struggling and I can't even do anything for him. And none of this would have happened if I didn't have a psychotic ass ex. Not to mention I should have stayed when he asked me to. All this shit could have been avoided…"

Renji's eyes were glued on Grimmjow as he rambled off about things that should have been. The red head had never seen the blunet in such a way, so uncertain.

"…Grimmjow…" Cereluan eyes glanced up, lips on the edge of the small Styrofoam cup. "You really shouldn't beat yourself up about this."

"…Weren't you the one who told me this was all my fault?" Grimmjow responded with an arched brow. "Or was that more of your jealousy talking?"

Narrowed russet orbs glared at Grimmjow before Renji leaned over, his face a few inches from Grimmjow's. He could smell the mix of coffee and peppermint on the larger man's breath, but he continued to gaze into those blue orbs.

"Fuck you. I have every right to be jealous," the red head hissed. "If some punk came out of nowhere and stole the heart of the person you have loved for years, you would be angry too. So don't act as if I don't have reasons to justify what I do. If I was an asshole I wouldn't even be sittin' here talkin' to you. Now shut the fuck up and listen to what I have to say."

Grimmjow just gazed into the blazing but tired eyes, his lips sipping on the boiling hot coffee. He was willing to listen to whatever Renji was saying. He knew if anyone would tell him about himself it would be the very person that hated his guts.

"...I'm listening."

"Ya need to stop beating yourself up. Okay, yes, some of this is yer fault, but you have no control over what someone else is going to do. Besides you were fuckin' 7,000 miles away. You are here for Ichigo now and that is all that matters. Regardless of what the hell happens now you just have to deal with it. You…love…him, right? Then that's all that should matter."

Grimmjow gazed at Renji with netrual eyes trying to put together the simple answer that was given to him. Was it all really that simple? Just go with the flow and deal with everything that comes his way? It sounded so effortless, but he knew it would never be that way. His feelings had morphed and the only thing before his eyes was making Ichigo realize just whose fault it was that he was lying in a hospital bed.

"Have you told Ichigo about what happened yet?" Grimmjow just shook his head as he set the small coffee cup down. "When are you going to?"

"Don't know yet," Grimmjow mumbled. "I don't even know where to start."

Renji could understand that. Telling your boyfriend that your ex tried to kill him because of jealousy was definitely going to be hard.

"And what about you?" Grimmjow eyes looked up straight into Renji's eyes and he could see the sheer confusion in the dark red orbs. "You're going to tell Ichigo about your feelings, aren't you?"

The paleness of Renji's face seemed to get lighter in color when he realized just what Grimmjow was saying. Was he really that obvious? He had been debating on just getting it out, but his fear was still holding him back. In some way he wished Ichigo had heard him that night so that it would be much easier.

"I-I don't…know.," Renji said softly before sighing. "Are you okay with that though?" Grimmjow shrugged as he pushed himself up from the table, crushing the small white coffee cup in his hand.

"To tell you the truth… If Ichigo no longer wants to be with me, I rather him be with you then be alone." Renji's eyes slightly widened as he watched the blunet make his way out of the large cafeteria, leaving him alone at the table. Did Grimmjow really feel that way? Frowning, he looked down at his fisted hands and sighed again.

He really did fucking hate Grimmjow.


When Renji made it back to Ichigo's room Grimmjow was nowhere to be found. He thought the blunet would stay around for a bit more and he wished that he had. Telling Ichigo about his feelings would be difficult and he knew Grimmjow would lighten the stress inside him. Maybe he could keep his love to himself and just let it fester on the inside. It wasn't like it was a requirement for Ichigo to know. It was just…common courtesy.

"Hey…Ichi." The orange haired man looked up, his eyes low and the tired lines on his face prominent. The normal spikey hair was a little longer and lying flat against the man's forehead, now making it a little harder to see the white bandages.

"Hey, Renji." Ichigo gave a soft smile, but the red head could see the depression and sadness in it. "How are you doing?"

"...I'm okay," Renji responded, making his way over to the bed and sitting in the chair next to it. "Where's Grimmjow?"

"Oh… He sounded really tired so I told him to go home and get some sleep. He'll probably be back later on or tomorrow."

Probably later on, Renji thought. He knew Grimmjow wouldn't be able to stay away for too long. "Well I just came to see how you were doing and talk."

"Oh, yeah, talk. I did want to talk to you about something." Renji's heart was thumping hard in his chest and he knew it was now or never. His tongue felt swollen and he couldn't even seem to get a whimper out.

Ichigo looked away and back down towards his hands, fidgeting with anticipation. "A-are you… Uhm, are you- Do you have something you want to tell me?" Ichigo couldn't figure out what he should say to Renji.

It was all still very confusing to him, the thought of his best friend being in love with him. At first he had thought he was dreaming, but the more he played back what had been said to him, the more he realized that Renji was being truthful. He wondered about all the years they had known each other and how much of it was lies. Had Renji just stood by his side because it was the closest he could get? Or was Renji still his best friend above anything else? Ichigo had always confided in Renji no matter how much it seemed like they disliked each other. Underneath all the arguing and playful hate was a love that Ichigo never wanted to be broken. It wasn't the love he had for Grimmjow but the kind of love you would have for your family and Ichigo didn't want something to screw that up.

"Uh, yeah. I do." Renji guessed it was really time for him to spill what he had kept secret for years. The blood in his ears was making it hard to think, but he knew what Ichigo wanted to hear. It wasn't such a cryptic thing and if he no longer wanted to feel like the coward Grimmjow called him, he would explain himself thoroughly to Ichigo.

"For a while," Renji started. "I guess since the second year of high school, my, uh, my feelings for you have…changed. I guess you can say it was a crush at first," Renji continued, chuckling nervously as he scratched the back of his head. "But then it turned into something I couldn't understand. Whenever I saw you my heart would beat faster and I felt nervous even if I didn't show it. It was hard for me to keep something like that to myself. Even when I found out that Orihime was in love with you. Everything had become so hard to deal with; trying to stay as just someone you could rely on. A friend."

Renji leaned back in his chair, letting his head roll back so he could stare at the ceiling.

"W-why didn't you ever tell me?" Renji snorted and scrubbed his hands down his face.

"Do you know how hard it was for me to even look at you with those kinds of feelings? I had always thought I would be attracted to women. Women, Ichigo. But there I was, confused and in love with my best friend. The very person I had promised to be there for since your parents passed away. You had become my family, my…brother. I didn't know how to deal with it all, so I kept it bottled up."

Lowering his head, Renji leaned over, letting his elbows sit on the edge of the bed. "The moment I saw how close you were getting to Grimmjow everything was starting to explode inside of me. You were having this relationship with him and my feelings for you were only growing. I felt cheated in some way, because I've loved you for so fucking long. It felt like my heart was being stepped on. I tried to push away the feelings and just continue to be the best friend I had always been, but then… Then it seemed that even that was being threatened. I didn't know what to do."

Ichigo didn't know what else to say. He guessed he was really as blind as Renji had said he was. First Orihime and now his own best friend. He didn't understand how he couldn't see these feelings with his own two eyes. It made him feel like some kind of monster and he wondered how life would be if he had actually found out earlier that Renji was in love with him.

"…Renji…I'm sorry I didn't see your feelings. I should be angry...but you have your own reasons for keeping it from me. I'm just upset that you could keep it from me. I am your best friend. But I can understand that you didn't want things to be awkward. I just hope me being with Grimmjow doesn't change anything. Or…should I be worried?"

"No! God, no. I really hate Grimmjow for stepping between us, but it was my own fault for not just saying anything. I'm still here for you, Ichigo. Nothing will ever change that and even though I am still kind of in love with you it won't change anything between us. I mean, right?"

Ichigo wasn't sure about that, but he could hear the apprehension in Renji's voice. He could tell that the red head would do anything to keep their relationship the way it was before he even met Grimmjow.

Smiling to himself, he slowly reached out and felt for Renji's fingers. The red head's cheeks began to redden when he felt the cold fingers slid against his forearm.

"No matter what happens, you will always be my best friend, Renji. I mean where would I be if I didn't have a sidekick to fight with?"

Russet eyes widened and a breath was exhaled from Renji's lips. The color seemed to slowly come back to the man's face and the fear for his relationship was slowly starting to dissipate. Chuckling softly, he let his face fall to the covers and felt Ichigo's fingers pull at one his long red locks.

"A strawberry without a pineapple." Ichigo snorted at the muffled response, but he knew it was true. They were brothers, after all.


So yes it seems a bit rushed, but this thing between Ichigo and Renji isn't over. Ichigo still feels a bit confused, but Renji is still his best friend and he can't just push him away for having those kinds of feelings. Their friendship will slowly get back to how it once was. And Renji still hates Grimmjow. But I think he will always actually hate him. Anyway, hi guys! I am not dead, but since I had a little time I was able to write and update this story. I am crazy busy with school and even though I have finals to finish for next week, Thanksgiving break give me some time to work on stories. I'm hoping to update more, but can't be too sure.

I hope everyone has been doing fine and I want to thank everyone for the kind reviews I have been getting. I was actually shocked that people were still reading my stories, lol. But I am glad you guys are and haven't kicked me to the curb. New stuff is still coming once I get my old stories situated. I'm also going to re-write my newest story because it feels blah to me. I'm learning as I go. You guys are just the sweetest and I wouldn't have even gotten this far without all the reviews and favs.

Anyway, please review if you can and I hope to see you guys next chapter.