Retaliate

Disclaimer: CBS owns Criminal Minds, you know that.

Summary: How does one get an uptight person to relax?

A/N: This is the last piece in my reworked of the Retaliate series. Total humor fic, not to be taken seriously.

Thanks for reading, don't forget to leave a review.


Henry Ward Beecher said, "A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs. It's jolted by every pebble on the road."


"You do know that there's a method to flipping burgers" Dave told his friends, "It's all about the finesse and the right touch. See?"

The three men looked down at the grill, watching the older man gracefully flip the burger with ease.

"There doesn't look much to it" Morgan commented.

"Statistically one in every three people wind up with salmonella" Reid started, "And that's not even counting the beef coming from California."

"Oh please, don't start" Morgan told him, watching Reid continue with his tangent conversation.

"And did you hear about the break out of Mad Cows Disease?" Reid continued watching the three women nearby turn green.

"How about we table this conversation for after dinner?" Hotch asked rolling his eyes.

"Wow" Emily murmured, "Look at that, his face never changes."

"I've noticed that" Garcia said, moving away from the conversation, "I mean I can get never cracking a smile because he always needs to be on guard for the job but in your downtime?"

The blonde analyst whistled shaking her head, before sighing.

"I know that with what happened with Haley and Foyet that he holds everything in, but what about having a social life?"

"He does have a social life" Emily commented, "What about that relationship with the..."

"She dumped him" Garcia said quickly, "Lets not even go down that path."

"What happened?" Emily asked furrowing her eyebrows. If something had happened, she'd have heard about it, right?

"I overheard the bossman tell Dave that she couldn't handle the unpredictable hours, the mood swings and apparently she came across one of the case files he brought home" Garcia told the two women, "The Davis case."

"Oh" both female agents said wincing at that thought.

"And" Garcia whispered, "I overheard Hotch tell Dave that one of the last things she told him before dumping him was that he needed to learn how to relax."

"Huh" Emily frowned, "Well how are any of us suppose to relax with what we see on a daily basis? Get amnesia?"

"Well no my dear but I do think that he needs a good old 90210 trip" Garcia offered.

"What?" Emily asked with a raised eyebrow, "You want to drag him across the map to California?"

"No" Garcia scoffed, "Don't you ever watch television?"

The analyst looked over at the blonde agent who looked equally puzzled, "God what were you two doing in the 90s?"

"Obviously not watching tv" Emily sarcastically replied, "Ok tell us then what is this trip thing?"

"Ok, back in the hey days of Aaron Spelling and that original television classic, a psycho chick named Emily Valentine" Garcia smirked at the brunette "Well she wanted her boyfriend to loosen up so she drugged his drink with U4EA."

"What's euphoria?" Emily asked, "Wait do you mean like drugs?"

"Bingo" Garcia grinned, "We just slip a little in his drink and get the bossman to unwind."

The two women watched the blonde pull a tiny silver pill box out of her purse and dumped it in the pitcher of beer.

"So what do you think?" Garcia asked stirring the pitcher, "I mean I know it's totally wrong and all kinds of illegal but come on, don't we all need to unwind after the past year that we've had?"

"No" Emily and JJ said in unison.

"But... it's just a little dose, it's harmless" Garcia protested.

Emily raised her eyebrow, looking from the blonde to the beer, "I'm going to dump this out."

"Em, you know I would never knowingly put anyone in danger" Garcia protested, "I just want him to relax."

The brunette narrowed her eyes, "And how would you explain that to him when he wakes up tomorrow with a hangover from hell?"

"Well..." Garcia started, then sighed, "I hadn't really gotten to that part yet."

"Garcia" JJ admonished, "You can't do this kind of stuff to people, it's just wrong."

The blonde leaned back in her chair, "What you mean morally?"

"No, well yeah" JJ said, then shook her head in frustration, "But once you break a rule it's easy to break the bigger ones after that."

Garcia sighed, folding her hands across her chest, "Fine, give me the pitcher I'll go pour another batch."

"There's the PG I know and love" Emily told her giving her a reassuring smile.

"Learn to love me less" Garcia told her taking the tainted beer with her as she walked into the back door.

JJ looked over at Emily shaking her head, "One of these days she's going to wind up in jail."

"Yeah, I have no doubt about that" Emily said, picking up her beer and looked at it, "Great now I'm doubting myself."

JJ snorted, "You really think she'd douse our drinks?"

Emily raised an eyebrow at her, "Wouldn't she?"

JJ slammed her own drink down, "Damn it."

The two female agents looked up to see Hotch walking towards the back door. He looked deep in thought but gave the women a nod.

"You ok?" JJ asked, pouring the suspected tainted mugs in the bushes.

"Yeah" Hotch replied, frowning at the odd behavior, "Something wrong with those drinks?"

The two women looked at each other but decided it'd be better not to alert him of Garcia's now thwarted plan.

"We're good" Emily replied, "why don't you bring out some more drinks? Maybe some tequila or something."

"I've got margarita mixes all we need is a bartender" Dave said, "Just keep the alcohol away from the open grill, I don't want to make any pit stops to the ER."

Hotch walked into the kitchen making his way towards the refrigerator when he paused. He could hear loud talking.

But there was no sign of the blonde analyst, his attention was drawn when he heard Garcia on the phone having a heated conversation.

"I told you I had to" Garcia said, turning her back on Hotch who opened the refrigerator door, "I know that I said that..."

Hotch tried not to listen to his colleagues words and he pulled out the tequila and lime then he flinched when he heard the peppy blonde snap.

Setting the items on the counter, he turned to the fridge again to pulling out the beer pitcher bringing it to the counter when he set it down to see Garcia look at him.

He was unnerved by the conversation but he quickly picked up the pitcher and other needed items, making his way towards the door.

"I told you why" Garcia hissed, "Look it's not like I do this sort of thing all the time. You still love my tookus, right?"

Hotch instantly wished he were anywhere else, remembering why he was there, he hurried outside.

"There you are" Dave said taking the cheese slices, "Thought I was going to have to send out a search party or something."

"All right who'll play bartender?" Garcia asked coming back out with a smile on her face.

"You all right?" Hotch asked.

The blonde frowned at that but nodded, "Kevin's an idiot but he's a good guy."

"I've got the drinks, all right who wants what?" Morgan said taking the margarita mix from the older man, "Baby girl?"

"Una margarita, por favor" the blonde said, looking at the two women, "You?"

"What the hell?" JJ said, "You only live once, same."

"Rossi, Reid?" Morgan asked, taking the order.

Only Emily and Hotch refused the overly alcoholic beverage, both settling for the standard beer.

Neither wanting to admit that despite having the team outings all the time they were more comfortable with a beer then overly indulging themselves in the alcoholic fueled states that they're friends find themselves in.


The sound of an alarm going off made the hand pound down on the alarm clock next to the bed.

"Oh dear God" the voice said, placing a hand on their head to curb the pounding going on.

Looking over to the left, he saw her snuggled under the covers making him frown. What the hell was he doing in her bed?

Well technically it was her bed even though this was Dave's beach house, but he was soon pulled out of his reverie when he heard the alarm go off again. And this time it was her turn to roll over to reach for the alarm only to fall off the bed.

"What the..." she muttered, sitting up disoriented, "Hotch?"

"Care to tell me what I'm doing in your bed, Emily?" he asked.

Emily lifted her hair from her face raising an eyebrow, "I don't know, you tell me."

Hotch felt his head pounding, and he could feel the bed next indent as Emily stood up walking towards the spare bathroom.

"Where are you going?" he asked, relieved when he looked up to see she was still fully clothed as was he.

"Out for a jog" Emily sarcastically replied, wincing when she saw her reflection, "Where does it look like I'm going? Tell me Rossi's has aspirins in here, right?"

"If he knows what's good for him, he better" Hotch muttered, rubbing his head.

"God I look like I've been partying non stop with Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan" the brunette muttered.

Looking around he winced when he heard the brunette banging around in the bathroom and let out a small cried pain.

"Are you all right?" Hotch asked squinting his eyes when the drapes slightly swayed from the light.

"Oh sure" Emily sarcastically replied, "I really didn't need my big toe."

Hotch rolled his eyes, and slowly stood up walking towards the blinds, "Did you find the damn aspirins or not?"

"Oh yeah there's a plethora of them here" Emily said, "Pick your brand."

"Anything that gets you to move your butt over here so I can find out who the hell slip me a mickey" Hotch told her.

The brunette came out of the bathroom with the aspirins and water, "What?"

"Well it's only obvious, Emily" Hotch said, taking the aspirins and water, "I mean unless you do this sort of thing all the time..."

"Finish that sentence and you'll be tasting asphalt, Hotch" Emily said, swallowing her own aspirin, "Since when did you get so mouthy? You're usually so... sedate and stoic."

The brunette watched her supervisor walk over and opened the blinds wider before looking over at her.

"Well waking up in bed with my subordinate does that to a person" Hotch deadpanned, watching her face glower at that, "What?"

"You think this was how I planned to start my day?" Emily asked, rubbing her forehead, "Waking up next to my boss after falling face first onto the floor is hardly my idea of a great day."

"Ok so it couldn't have been the food because, lets face it this is Dave we're talking about" Hotch groaned, "Well what else was there?"

"The dessert?" Emily asked, "Who brought the dessert?"

"Reid" Hotch said, "No he picked the brownies up from the bakery. Lets see."

Both agents looked at each other, both coming to the same conclusion, "The alcohol."

"Ok, what did you have?" Hotch asked Emily.

"Just the beer" Emily told him, "My ulcer wasn't up for the lime. You?"

"Only beer and a soda" Hotch told her, "You think the others are having the same residual effects? Because I remember Morgan playing bartender while Garcia was..."

Emily's mind flashed back to the previous days conversation and she gasped.

"What is it?" Hotch asked looking at the brunette who looked on the verge of mass murder, "Emily?"

"Garcia" Emily said, "Yesterday we were making this stupid remark about getting you to lighten up and well..."

"Well what?" Hotch asked furrowing his eyebrows, "What did she do?"

Emily nervously ran her hand over the back of her head, "Now this is going to seem really stupid but I think you should let me finish it before you freak out."

"Freak out?" Hotch joked, "Jesus what she do drug me?"

He could tell from the non-plussed look on her face that, that was just what the blonde analyst did.

"Are you kidding me?" Hotch asked, "What did she do?"

"The beer" Emily told him, "After she dropped it in the beer, JJ and I..."

"JJ knew about this too?" Hotch asked, jumping off the bed pacing around the room, "Did everyone know about this? So what did you all decide to get together and just for kicks drug me?"

"No" Emily yelled, "After she did that, JJ and I read her the riot act and told her to dump it. She left and that's when you made your way to the kitchen. How the heck was I suppose to know she'd get distracted from a phone call and you'd bring back the tainted beer?"

Hotch stopped his movement, looking around the room. He knew what they had to do. Fight fire with fire.

"So what are you going to do?" Emily asked, "Do we go into her room and scream at her, that's not going to do much."

"No" Hotch said frowning, "We give her a taste of her own medicine."

Emily raised an eyebrow at that, "What are you talking about?"

Hotch smirked grabbing her hand, "How good are you at cooking?"

"Not so good" Emily told him, "You remember the last time we were here for the cook out?"

"Yeah" he said slowly, then grin, "And you burned your pasta before it even hit the pan."

"Funny" Emily narrowed her eyes giving him a smack on the chest, "So what do you want me to cook?"

"A very special Garcia breakfast" Hotch told her, "You leave the rest of the cooking to me."

"Mm something sure smells good" JJ said linking arms with her blonde friend, "Wait, who cooked?"

"Don't worry" Emily said with a smile, "Hotch did everything, I just played helper."

"Oh don't sell yourself short, Emily" Hotch said earning a wary eye of the two blondes who saw the warming friendship between the brunette pair, "She set the table and helped make this special blend of syrup for these chocolate chip pancakes."

"Chocolate chip pancakes?" Garcia asked, "Those are my favorite."

"I know" Emily said with a smile, "Here everyone sit down."

The three men looked puzzled, while Hotch gave them a look, "Sit down!"

The team sat at the table while the dark haired pair served their friends.

"Aren't you two going to eat anything?" JJ asked looking up from her pancakes.

The two shared a look but shook their heads.

"Emily and I are going for a run along the beach" Hotch informed the small group, "Well, everyone enjoy your breakfast."

"Don't worry, we'll take care of the mess" Morgan told the two, relieved that they were getting along.

As the two walked passed the table they exchanged a look but smiled at the happy technical analyst.

"Mm I just love chocolate chips" Garcia said, pausing, "Wow, this syrup is weird."

"It does taste a little different" Reid said, "I think they warmed it up."

The two agents stood in the hallway of the front, giving a small high five.

"Teach her to drug me" Hotch murmured following the brunette outside who laughed, "So what was it you put in that syrup anyways."

"Believe me, you don't want to know" Emily told him, "Lets just say they're going to have fun racing each other to the bathroom."

The two knew that there was only one rule of law in the universe, never mess with a Federal Agent.


"Never by any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night." Dave Berry


THE END

I hope you all liked this series of oneshots, don't forget to leave a review.