A/N: Here's a new chapter, it was so long I divided it in two, so, bonus chapter next.
Disclaimer: I do NOT own SGA if I did they would get the same number of seasons as SG-1.
Please tell me what you think.
The infirmary was quiet and dark; there was only the glow of machinery, and security lights. Rodney's pale skin shone like marble in the dim lighting. He still had oxygen, and IV's but he seemed better. Carson had him on dialysis every other day for the past week; it made a huge difference. The pneumonia still lingered but it was losing ground. The platelets were still an issue; he had to have FFP to keep him clotting and whole blood for his anemia. The blood was starting to be a problem. General Landry held a blood drive at the SGC and solved the problem.
John liked sitting here at this time of night, when he could have Rodney all to himself, so he could watch him with no one around. He still hadn't spoken with his friend, he was afraid to. Afraid he would be too emotional, afraid of what Rodney would say to him.
Things had taken a turn for the better and it was looking like they could start the chemo in a few days. Sheppard could handle a not dying McKay. Maybe now Rodney and he could talk without having to say things that were too final.
Rodney was watching John through half opened eyes, his heart aching for the pain he saw in John's face and the silent tears that occasionally fell from his eyes. Rodney knew John was avoiding talking with him, he also knew John had come every night to watch him. Rodney had, had enough of John's cowardice.
"John?"
Sheppard's heart was pounding he wasn't ready for this.
"Yeah?"
"Talk to me."
"I am taking to you."
"You know what I mean."
"Yeah, I guess."
"Come here."
John resigned himself to the inevitability of the conversation and scooted his chair closer.
"Thanks."
"Sure, no problem."
Rodney took a deep breath and he coughed. He winced at the panic on John's face.
"You okay? Should I get Carson?"
"John! Stop it. I'm fine."
"Yeah right, you're great."
John stood up anxiously running his hand through his unruly hair.
"John, we need to talk about this. Sit down, and listen to me please. I know you're scared but I need you to hear me."
He sat down feeling a little trapped.
"Okay, I'll listen. I'm sorry."
"I am dying, John. I want to talk with you about it. I need you to listen."
John nearly choked on the lump on his throat.
"I don't know how to do this."
Rodney was growing irritated.
"Do you think I do? I may be a genius but even I couldn't prepare for this."
Suitably chastised John sat back and tried to shut up.
"So talk."
Rodney could hear John fighting to remain stoic.
"John, I'm too tired, and can't stand watching all of you suffering because of me."
"What do you mean we're suffering? We are not the ones dying Rodney."
"Dying's easy; it's living that's hard."
"Don't do that. Don't sit there and throw quotes at me."
"Sorry. It's just that I won't put everyone through more of this. I would rather just get it over with."
"You are such a coward McKay. I used to think you were one of the bravest people I'd ever met, you used to be scared out of your mind about something, but suck it up and do it anyway. Now you're too chicken to face some pain."
Rodney knew John was just trying to goad him, and it was working.
"Sheppard, I'm not afraid of my pain, it's everyone else's that bothers me."
"Well that's not your right. You don't get to decide what we can handle."
"Yeah well I can decide what I can handle. Whatever happens I'm going to die anyway. I would rather do it on my terms."
John didn't have a response for that. In Rodney's position, he would choose the same path.
They sat quietly for several minutes.
"Okay."
"What do you mean okay?"
"I mean okay, I get it. It's your decision."
"Thank you John."
"Yeah well, it doesn't feel like I deserve a thank you."
"Call me arrogant, but I think telling me that was hard for you."
"Okay, you're arrogant."
"Ha, ha."
"Well…"
"Seriously John there are some things I want to say, before…"
"Stop it McKay."
"No, John you're going to listen. I don't know how long—how long it will take, or if I will get a chance to say this before—"
"Rodney, I can't… do this. It's too much all at once."
Rodney felt a pang of compassion for him but he would not relent.
"John, please—please let me say what I need to say. Lately I've learned not to take time for granted. If you know what I mean."
John struggled with himself. He wanted to be there for Rodney, and he wanted to run like hell. Run from the death clinging to his friend, from the inevitability of it, his powerlessness to stop it, and the incomprehensible grief he was feeling.
After his mother's death, John swore no one else's death would make him come undone. He learned to keep his feelings closely guarded. Losing Elizabeth was different because he always had hope for her return, and Carson, well that was hard, but Rodney had managed to get under his skin, to become a part of him. Somehow, McKay had worked his way past all of his defenses and made a place for himself in John's heart. Rodney had a foothold in his soul.
He looked at Rodney, and nodded yes. It was all he could manage without completely breaking down.
Rodney took a deep breath and cleared his throat. His voice was quiet but very clear.
"I want you to know you are my best friend and that you changed my life. Your friendship has changed me in ways that made me a better man.
You took a chance and put me on your team, because of you I have seen more, and done more, in these six years than most people do in a lifetime.
You believed in me when no one else would, because of your trust I was able learn to believe in possibilities, to have hope. That belief made me brave, made it so I could fall in love with Jennifer. You gave me the courage to join the human race, not run from it.
John Sheppard you are the brother I never knew I wanted or needed and I am thankful I had you in my life. Lt. Colonel John Sheppard it has been an honor and a privilege serving with you."
Rodney gave him a crisp salute.
John couldn't speak, he was too busy crying. He was fighting to keep from sobbing he lay his head down on Rodney's bed in an effort to cover the sound. He felt Rodney ruffle his hair and he couldn't hold it back anymore.
In Jennifer's office Carson gritted his teeth at the gut wrenching sound of John's misery, try as he might he couldn't stop his own tears.
