John Sheppard disappeared for a few days. If he wanted no one would be able to find him, Atlantis would hide him as long as he needed. No one said anything about it; they knew it was better to leave Sheppard alone.
Meanwhile, things were changing rapidly with Rodney, and he was a lot better. His kidneys were good, the dialysis worked. The pneumonia was virtually gone, and he was a lot stronger. He was still anemic but all the transfusions raised his hematocrit to a safer level and the FFP kept his platelets up. It was time to talk treatment.
"You cannot be serious, Rodney!"
"Carson calm down. Please let's just talk about this."
Carson threw up his hands in frustration and sat down with his arms crossed.
"Jennifer?" Rodney asked gently.
She couldn't look at him. She was full of a rage that threatened to fulminate into one hell of an explosion. An explosion aimed right at Rodney. It was better for all of them if she went back to her office. Jennifer stood up and left without a word. If you looked closely, you would see her hands bunched up in fists and her cheeks flush with raw anger.
"Lad I don't think you want to bother her right now."
Rodney agreed he could see Jennifer was really pissed.
Carson tried to calm himself down and attempted to hear Rodney out. He needed to be his doctor for a moment, and not his friend.
"Look Rodney, I know the thought of going through chemo is a scary one—
"That's not it Carson."
"Then would you please explain it to me. I can't begin to fathom your reasoning."
The physicist sighed and fought the urge to fall asleep.
"Carson I have watched everyone around here suffering because of me. Can you imagine what it will be like if I'm on chemo? I can. I want nothing to do with it."
"But Rodney it could cure you, and at the very least prolong your life."
"You're supposed to be a doctor; you should understand why I feel this way."
"Aye I understand it. What I don't understand is why you don't seem at all interested in the possibility of remission."
Rodney looked down at his hands avoiding Carson's eyes. He took a breath and said in a voice barely above a whisper, "Because, I'm not that lucky."
Carson didn't know what to say to that. He suddenly felt utterly defeated.
Rodney glanced up at Carson's silence. He'd expected some kind of argument. All he saw was a dejected and exhausted man. That's exactly why. I can't put everyone through this only to die anyway. It would be cruel.
Carson realized Rodney saw his expression and took it as confirmation that he was right. Anger filled his body with adrenalin.
"Rodney, you are wrong. We want you to fight, we need you to fight. You think because I'm a doctor that I would give you permission to avoid the unpleasantness of chemo, that I would let you just die? Well you're wrong. I think it would be foolish not to at least give yourself more time, and as your friend, it is hurting me to no end that you won't even try. I can't even imagine what John and Jennifer are feeling. Do you know that John has been missing for three days? He can't deal with this, he needs to be able to fight and you're taking that away from him, from all of us. Maybe we are being selfish, but if that's what it takes to keep you from giving up then so be it."
Maybe he's right. I don't know. I don't know if I have the strength or the will to go through all that … pain. I hate the way this is tearing everyone apart, but I can't see how prolonging the unavoidable is going to help anyone.
"Rodney? Are you awake?"
"Hmm? Oh yeah, sorry. Just thinking."
"That's alright. Why don't you rest for now? We can finish this later."
"Thanks, I am pretty tired."
Rodney was asleep before Carson could get out of his chair.
Carson stood for a while watching Rodney, how like a little boy he looked, his face innocent and peaceful. This was all so surreal, and it didn't make any sense. What had they missed? How did it get so bad without anyone noticing? Regardless of Rodney's decision, he intended to find out why. He turned and walked toward Jennifer's office hoping she would be there. As he rounded the corner, he ran into Richard Woolsey.
"Oh excuse me Mr. Woolsey, are you alright?"
"I'm fine, no harm done."
Carson could see Woolsey had something on his mind.
"What can I help you with?"
"I'm sorry, but I couldn't help but over hear your discussion…"
Carson's jaw tensed in an effort to hide his irritation.
"What of it?"
"Well, that's actually why I'm here. I wanted to talk with Dr. McKay."
"About?"
"Can we use Dr. Keller's office again?"
"That's fine."
The two walked in and sat on the couch. The Déjà vu was uncomfortable. Carson sat back and crossed his arms warily.
"What did you want to say to Rodney? You're not planning on sending him to Earth are you?"
"No, I wouldn't do that. This is home. Though I do think we may wish to contact his sister and have her come through the gate."
"I was thinking the same thing. Maybe he'll listen to Jeannie."
"Perhaps. That's the reason I came here to talk to him."
"What do you mean?"
"I had a feeling Dr. McKay would try to refuse treatment. It is in his character to protect Atlantis and those he loves. I came here to share with him my experience as the person who was there watching, to tell him that I wouldn't trade a second of Sarah's last two years. I would say that when you love someone you are willing to feel some pain to be with them."
Carson felt himself getting choked up again. Richard Woolsey continued to surprise him.
"I think that is exactly what he needs to hear. But he's worn out right now; I'll call you when he wakes up."
"Thank you Dr. Beckett."
"No Thank you Mr. Woolsey."
"Please call me Richard."
"Only if you promise to call me Carson."
The two smiled companionably and rose to leave when Woolsey stopped Carson.
"On a more official note, how is Colonel Sheppard? He seems to be missing."
"No, he's not missing. He's grieving."
"Okay, but he needs to check in occasionally."
"Don't worry he'll be back soon. He won't stay away from Rodney that long."
Satisfied, Woolsey went back to his office.
Radek was close to pulling his hair out. He kept coming across tantalizing snippets that spoke of devices that could heal people. However, there weren't any descriptions or mention of where they might be found. Radek's relationship with Rodney afforded him a different perspective than his other friends. He knew without asking that Rodney would choose to die rather than fail at being cured. He knew that his brilliant friend couldn't allow his failure to hurt everyone he loved. Radek knew it was up to him to find a way to cure him.
John Sheppard had been hiding deep in the uninhabited parts of the city, he couldn't take being around people right now. He needed to keep his cool and right now, the slightest thing could set him off. He looked down at his broken hand; it was turning lovely shades of purple and yellow. It hurt like a bitch but it was quite satisfying. Atlantis nagged at him continuously to fix her scientist. He scratched his burgeoning beard, hauled himself up, and headed to his quarters.
Atlantis began humming a pleased tune.
