Oh, lookie! Chapter two. XD Told you I'd get it up soon.
Thank you to everyone who reviewed/favorited/alerted this story. I feel so loved, and I'm glad you like my story. But I like reviews a LOT. :3 Reviews encourage me to update faster.
Oh, and by the way, the reason I CAPITILIZE instead of italicize is because I have a Smartbook. The only writing program I can get on this thing is CKE and it doesn't have those things. Then I'm lucky if I can change it at all once uploaded to FF, because it moves so incredibly slow. I'll occasionally italicise a word if I want a subtle emphasis instead of loudness(i.e. 'extra' from chapter one).
Disclaimer: I don't own Hetalia or the manuals. Once again, check them out at LolliDictator's profile page.
And if you feel inspired to write a manual fic because of me(or at least partly), PM me! I'd love to read it and give my opinion. I've enjoyed quite a few before deciding to do one myself.
-/Hetalia/-
"I repeat, what the hell is going on? Sash! Answer me!" My friend Madge stood there in the doorway of my house, her hands on her hips. I slowly registered her. She was a few inches shorter than me, with dark blonde hair past her shoulder blades and blue eyes. She could be Germany's sister. Then I looked around. Oh, right. I was leaning against Ivan, holding an ice pack to my head. Said personification of Russia was chugging down a bottle of vodka, at least twenty more bottles surrounding him. A black-haired girl lay face down on the floor in front of me, Ivan's new ID on her head. It was all coming back to me now.
"Audrey fainted," I said, pointing at the girl.
"Obviously," Madge snorted. I swear I saw her eye twitch.
"Russia's living with me."
"I can see that." Madge looked at the hulking Russian beside me. He was ignoring her. "Now what happened? I got that weird message from you earlier today and came over as soon as I could. Talk, woman."
I laughed softly. "Alright, alright. Lemme explain." I took the ice pack off my head and set it on the floor, beginning my wild tale.
-/Hetalia/-
Ivan had been with me for three days.
'MAAADGEE. IVAN. GONNA DIE. NEED VODKA. HELP.' I typed the incomplete sentences, glancing behind me for the childish man. After I sent it, I realized I still hadn't told her about Ivan. Well, she was going to be mighty confused.
"Defender of men?"
I jumped, surprised by the voice suddenly behind me. I turned around slowly, dreading what I would find. "Y-yessss, Ivan?" He was smiling widely, his scarf covering his chin. Despite it being in the 80's and 90's every day since he came, he refused to take it off. I had at least managed to find a few threadbare shirts that just barely fit him up in the attic, but we really had to go shopping[1].
"Do you know where my last bottle of vodka went? It was in the freezer."
For all in the name of fudgepops[2], I was royally screwed. "W-well... you see, Ivan... I went in there to get some waffles, c-c-cause I thought you might like something different, a-and the vodka bottle was s-slippery and it k-k-kinda fell. And broke." I tensed up, ready to run for it.
Russia's smile widened. "Oh? You broke my last bottle of vodka?"
I nodded, watching him cautiously. His smile kept getting bigger.
"My last bottle? And you broke it? Defender of men..." A purple atmosphere began to surround him. "I need my vodka." He picked me up by the front of my shirt, making me squeak in fear. "Sasha. You will get me more, da?"
"YES! I WILL!" I fumbled at his cold hand (I'd soon found out that without his gloves, his hands were almost constantly cold) holding me up and managed to loosen it. The rest of my escape was pulled off by me wiggling wildly. I dropped to the floor, quickly running upstairs and into my 'safe room', yelling all the way, "I'M CALLING RIGHT NOOOW!" It was the closet where I hid from Ivan. After a few days of living with the sadist, I had quickly placed a few neccesities in it, including a copy of his manual. I grabbed it and flipped to the page with the company number and pulled out my cell phone. I quickly dialed and held the phone up.
"Hello. This is Flying Mint Bunny Co. If you recieved a unit you did not order, press one. If you got an alternate version of a unit in the box, press two. If your unit is trying to kill/rape you(WHAT? THAT WAS SUCH A MAJOR PROBLEM THAT IT WAS LISTED ON THE FIRST LIST?), press three. If you need an item for your unit, press four." Sasha quickly pressed four and a human voice came on.
"Hello. Please state your name and the item of need." It was a woman, and she sounded bored.
"Sasha, I know you are in there." Ivan was trying to open the door, the handle jiggling wildly.
"Are you sure you didn't mean to press three," the woman droned on, hearing all of this.
"No!" Sasha hissed at the lady. "I need an ID for Ivan. I'm Sasha Colins. Help me!"
"Defender of men, why are you hiding from me?" Ivan banged on the door.
"Sasha Colins? Ah, yes. I have you right here. I can get you an ID for Ivan in about a day."
The banging on the door grew more insistent, and suddenly it flew open. The lock had broken when Ivan had shouldered the door open. A smiling Russia stood there, and he looked positively scary. "Sasha, defender of men, why did you hide?"
"I NEED IT NOW!" I hyperventilated into the phone. I could almost hear the woman's annoyance. Well, if me possibly dying without that ID was annoying, sor-RY.
Ivan grabbed my ankle and pulled me so I fell over. He began to drag me across the floor. "We are going to go get vodka now, da?"
"AHHHH! UNICORN PUKE AND RAINBOW LASERS[3], WHYYYY! WE CAN'T GET ANY YET, IVAAAN!" I scrabbled at the floor to try to stop myself, still holding the phone up to my ear.
"Miss Colins, I will send the ID straight away. Goodbye." The woman hung up, the whole 'press this button if' cycle restarting.
"NO!" Then Ivan suddenly picked me up, throwing me over his shoulder like a sack. "WHERE ARE YOU TAKING ME, BRAGINSKI?" I pounded his back with my fists and kicked wildly. Nothing fazed him.
"You are so light, small one. And do not hit me. I am taking you to go get vodka." He walked outside and looked around. He soon found my silver station wagon and opened the door, literally throwing me into the passenger seat. He went around to the other side and got into the driver's seat. Apparently he also grabbed my wallet and keys as he left. He set the cloth wallet in one of the cup holders and turned the car on with the keys.
"I already know I'm pretty short," I huffed and buckled myself in, afterwards crossing my arms. "But... I'll admit, I didn't know you could drive[4]."
"Of course I can drive." Ivan pulled out of the driveway. "Now where is your liqour store?"
"I don't know," I muttered, staring out the window.
"Sasha..." The Russian looked at me. His purple atmosphere had returned.
"KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE ROAD!" I panicked and leaned over. I jerked the wheel over so we didn't run into the car driving the other way.
"Where is the liqour store, defender of men?" He set his hands on his lap, leaving me to freak out and drive from the my seat. His foot slowly began to press down more on the gas pedal.
I had to swerve to stay on the road. "Please drive, Ivan!"
"Tell me where the liqour store is." He leaned his head on mine as I tried to drive, efficently freaking me out even more. "Sasha... Sash. Defender of men, answer me."
"WE'LL GO TO TOWN AND LOOK AROUND!" I dodged a squirrel and then a sign. Ivan's foot let up on the gas and he took the wheel.
"Spasibo." I sank back in my seat, staring out the windshield with wide eyes. My whole life had started to pass before my eyes. Had I really spent that much time watching anime?
-/Hetalia/-
We eventually found an old liqour store that said 'going out of business' on the front door.
"They're not open," I muttered. "It's the middle of the afternoon, idiot." I froze as I felt his eyes burn into the back of my head. I really had to stop insulting the sadistic Russian.
"... Oh? I am an idiot?" He was smiling. I just knew he was smiling.
"N-n-no! Of course not! I-it might be open!" I jumped out of the car and went around to Ivan's side, pulling him out by the arm. "Let's go check!"
It actually was open, and luckily it let in people below twenty one in.
"What do you want?" An old man with a rough voice spoke, turning narrow eyes on us.
"Russian vodka," Ivan said, looking around. I stayed slightly behind him. I didn't say a word.
"We got some of that. You got cash?" The man held out a hand. "And an ID?"
"Da, I have cash. A lot of cash. But nyet, I do not have an ID just yet." Ivan just smiled at the man afterwords.
"Then get out, kiddo. No ID, no vodka." He smirked at the larger man.
Suddenly, the purple aura came around Ivan. I watched the stranger start to get pale. "I am Russian. I need vodka. If you do not give me some, it will make me angry. And an angry Russian knows how kill someone and hide the body so it will never be found, da? Will anyone really miss you?" And Ivan was smiling. SMILING!
The man took a step back. "A-are you threatening me?"
"Am I, comrade?" Ivan looked down at the man. He started to giggle, looking absolutely estatic at the threatening.
I tugged on his shirt. "I-I-Ivan... maybe we should just go. Y-you'll get your ID soon." Russia was really creeping me out, and I didn't want him to go to jail for murder.
"Yeah! Listen to the girl." The man was shaking.
Russia stopped giggling and patted me on the head absently. He continued looking at the liqour store owner. "Nyet. Vodka. Now. Da?"
The man nodded. "Fine! Take the rest! Take it! D-don't worry about the money!"
"Spasibo," Ivan sang, walking happily over to the vodka aisle. Me and the man just stared at each other awkwardly. He coughed and I looked down at the floor, still silent. Ivan soon came back, humming, carrying an armful of vodka...
...and pulling a cart-full behind him.
"Davaj[5], defender of men." He nodded towards the door and I ran forward to open it.
"But..." I could still hear the man as we got outside and loaded up the car with strong Russian vodka. Ivan turned and threw a wad of cash at the man.
"Here. Three hundred is enough, da?"
The man clutched the money to his chest. "A-about..."
I stared with my mouth open at Ivan. "Agrh! Ivan! That was my savings!" He smiled at me and got into the car, and I got in as well. "You just spent half of my savings on vodka!" I shut the door angrily, managing to hit myself in the head with the door. "Dammit," I hissed, rubbing my head.
Russia stared at me. "I can not believe you managed to hit your head getting into the car, comrade."
I laid my sore head against the cold window. "Can we just go back?"
"Da." He started the car back up and drove home.
-/Hetalia/-
When we reached the house, I groaned. There, in the driveway, sat a light blue delivery van with a picture of a certain mint-green flying bunny on the side. Did another unit arrive already? I stomped up to the door, not bothering to help Ivan with his new stash.
"You left me with Russia last time! Russia!" I shouted at the poor guy. It was the same one from before. "What could you possibly want now? You gonna leave me with FRANCE?"
"Uh, no, Miss Colins. I-"
"Call me Sasha. You look older than me. Stop calling me 'Miss'." I crossed my arms and glared at the man.
"Right. Sasha, I brought you Ivan's ID. You said it was urgent?" He held out Ivan's new ID towards me.
I stared at the man that could have been my saviour earlier, dumbfounded. After a few minutes, I hit myself in the forehead, snatching the ID from him. "IVAN!" I whirled around to find the Ruski standing right behind me, freaking me out. Again.
Damn Russian.
"Da?" He smiled at the shocked look on my face.
"Your ID arrived," I growled, shoving it into his chest and stormed inside, leaving the door open. I could hear the two men talking outside.
"I can go get better vodka at a different store now!" That was obviously Ivan. I kicked the wall. Stupid alcoholic.
The man snorted. "You're going to need it to live with that girl. I used to go to school with her. She's so annoying. I feel so sorry for you." My fists clenched. I remembered him now. One of the guys who thought he was all that. Just because I didn't want to talk to him, he and his friends decided to mess with me my whole freshmen year. He dyed his hair and got a tan, but it was still him.
There was silence outside. Then a yelp.
"Wha-what are you doin', man? OW!" The douche was in pain. Wait, what? Why was he yelling 'ow'?
I ran outside to find an... amusing scene in front of me. Ivan held his pipe, hitting douche in the shoulder. The taller man then grabbed the delivery guy by his shirt. "You do not know Sasha. Do not insult a girl without knowing her." He dropped him and rained his pipe down on the man over and over again.
"I-Ivan! Stop it!" I went to grab the pipe, but I ended up gettng hit in the side of the head. Right where I hit my head with the car door. It wasn't too hard, but it still hurt plenty. Enough to bring tears of frusturation and pain to my eyes[6].
"Braginski," I wailed, holding my head as my vision swam with tears. "You can't just beat someone like that. And then you hit me!"
"Prasteete[7], Sasha." Ivan leaned down so he could look me right in the eye. He swiped my curls out of my face so he could see me better. "You are okay, da?"
I nodded, then looked at the man Ivan had been beating a few seconds ago. Tom, I remembered. He had a black eye and bruises were starting to appear. "Thanks for the ID, Tom," I said stiffly, wiping the still-flowing tears from my eyes. "Ivan apologizes."
"Ah, nyet. I do not-"
I interrupted him, elbowing him in the gut. He shut his mouth, watching me.
"Yeah, whatever," Tom growled, rubbing his shoulder. "Expect a new delivery man." He looked at Ivan. "Bastard." He paused and looked back over to me. "Bitch."
I had to stand in front of Ivan, bracing my hands on his chest. "It's okay," I muttered at the smiling Russian who was beginning to raise his pipe again. He lowered his pipe and continued to smile creepily at Tom as he ran to the van.
I sighed and walked inside.
"That boy was rather rude, da?" Ivan shut the door behind him as I flopped into the couch.
"Yeah." I covered my eyes with my arm, pressing my hand against my aching head.
"Why did he not like you, defender of men?" I could feel that he sat on the edge of the couch.
"I don't want to talk about it," I mumbled, moving my arm and looking at him. He nodded and walked out to get his vodka. Ivan came back in with an armful, setting it in the living room.
"Sasha?" He held up something. "I found this in the car. Who is this?" I looked closer. It was a picture of a bearded man with a head of curly black hair. He was laughing at something.
"Dad!" I leaped off the couch and grabbed the picture from him. "That's my dad. Please don't touch it!" I ran upstairs, leaving a confused Russia behind.
-/Hetalia/-
I came down an hour later to find myself in what you could call... a situation.
A tall, black haired girl stood in the doorway, smiling hugely but blankly at Ivan. Her hair was a boy's cut, and her hazel eyes just kept staring blankly at Ivan.
Ivan was staring back, also smiling. But he looked quite creepy. I noticed he had hauled quite a few bottles of vodka in the living room. His childish smile was the key point on his face, his violet eyes piercing.
"Oh, fuck." The curse escaped my lips and I covered my mouth quickly. The two very different sets of eyes locked onto me, their heads snapping around to face me. Ivan's demeanor stayed the same, but the girl's became accusing.
"Sash.." The girl growled at me. "Is that... Russia?"
"Audrey, I was going to tell you! I just needed to figure out how to explain-"
"SASHAAAA!" Audrey grabbed up a few books from the shelf next to the door and started tossing them at me. I dodged the first two and took off running. She chased me all around the first floor. She tossed the last book, hitting me right where I hit myself in the head and Ivan had bonked me with his pipe. "WHY DOES EVERY OBJECT HURT THAT SPOT?" Audrey went to grab more books until Ivan stepped in front of her, stopping her in her tracks.
"Privyet[8]. Who are you, and why are you tossing books at my podruga[9]?" He looked down at Audrey, smiling.
Audrey stared. "You're Russia! You're amazing!" She shrunk back. "But you're creepy..." She leaned towards him again. "But you're so cute, too!" She held her breath, watching the weirded out Russian. Suddenly she crumpled to the floor, fainting. "OH MY GOD, AUDREY!" I rushed forward. She seemed fine. Other than, you know, the fainting.
"What is wrong with her, comrade?" Ivan asked, poking Audrey's side with his booted shoe a few times.
"Over exposure to Russian awesomeness," I said. "Isn't it obvious? The fangirl part of her couldn't take it any more."
"I am awesome? I thought Gilbert was the awesome one, da?" Russia looked happy.
I paused on my way to the kitchen to get ice for my head. "Oh, he is. But you're even more awesome. Well, in my opinion. Audrey's favorite is between America and Prussia." I got my ice and came back out to find Ivan balancing his ID on the back of Audrey's head.
"Ivan, really?" I set the ice against my head and winced, slowly sliding down the wall. I was exhausted. Maybe I should sleep. Ivan made his way next to me and sat down, opening a bottle of vodka. I crinkled my nose at the smell, but my eyes were beginning to drift shut. I was surrounded by a horde of vodka, a passed out friend, and a crazy, alcoholic country. I needed that nap.
-/Hetalia/-
"And then I woke up with you here," I finished, looking at Madge.
Ivan had long ago gotten up and begun to put his vodka away, so I was left in the room with my two best friends.
"Damn Russain," Madge said, closing my front door.
"What did you say, comrade?" Ivan smiled at Madge from his spot in the kitchen doorway.
"I said, damn Russian," Madge repeated herself loudly. "What are you, deaf as well as stupid? And I'm not your comrade."
Silence. An icey, bone-chilling silence. Ivan smiled widely at Madge, and she glared back. The tension could nearly be seen. The kitchen behind Ivan began to turn purple.
"Wha...? Madge, why are you glaring at Russia while he's in creepy mode?" Audrey looked at the two, groggy.
"Oh, it is because she is a brat who need to learn how to respect her elders," Ivan sang, still smiling at Madge.
"I'm not going to respect you, you commie!" Madge crossed her arms, still glaring at him.
"Kolkolkolkolkol..."
".. You sounded like America there," I pointed out, trying to stop the fight. "AH! America, my awesome Alfred! Do you have him?" Audrey looked around quickly.
"Uh, no. I do not have the hero yet, Audrey."
Madge threw down her arms and glared at me and Audrey. "You two are not helping!"
We shrugged. "Sorry," we said at the same time.
"Anyways," Madge declared, now ignoring the smiling Ivan. She walked over to me and grabbed my arm and started pulling me to the door. "You're coming with me. I am not leaving you with this idiot. C'mon, Audrey. You can spend the night too."
Suddenly, two arms came around me and hugged me. It was Ivan, keeping Madge from pulling me any further.
"Nyet. My comrade Sasha will not leave." He hed me close, hugging me tightly.
"Get off of her, idiot!" Madge glared at him again.
"Nyet! Sasha is my friend. My podruga." He hugged me tighter, efficently crushing my spine. I voiced my opinion. Er, actually... it was more like...
"MYYY SPIIINE!" I tensed up and tried to get away from Ivan.
"Defender of men," he whined. "You're not going to leave me, are you?"
"Let her go!" Madge started to pull at Ivan's arms. Audrey just stared at the situation, eyes sparkling.
"Let me goooo, Ivan!" I struggled, my arms trapped by his.
"Nyet, comrade. You are going to leave me if I do." The Russian almost sounded sad.
"I'm not going to leave, Braginski! Please let me go!" As soon as I said this, he let me go. I streched, glaring at Madge. "Look what you did."
"I didn't do anything," she defended, "the giant commie over there was the one who was squishing you!"
"Kolkolkolkolkol.." Ivan's teeth clacked together as he did his 'kol' thing.
"Leave Ivan alone, Madge!" I said, defending my new 'friend'.
"Fine. But I'm spending the night here."
"So am I," Audrey shouted happily. "You live with Ivan! You really live with Ivan!"
"NO!" I started pushing them both towards the door. "You will leave this house and not return for quite some time. You will CALL before you come over next time. You will both leave Ivan ALONE." I shoved them out the door. They turned to me with shocked looks on their faces. Madge looked like she was about to speak, but I slammed the door shut in their faces, quickly locking and deadbolting the door.
"Your friends are lively, da?" Ivan smiled at me. I hit my head against the door.
"My head hurts."
"Well, that's what happens when you hit your head against doors, da?"
I turned to him and narrowed my eyes. "I'm going to bed." I was going to take a large amount of sleeping medicine and going to take a nap.
The fact that another unit would be coming in a few days just caused me to up my drug intake.
-/Hetalia/-
[1] - Yep, it's going to happen eventually. Every good manual fic has one. *laughs* I'm just going to wait for a few more units to join in.
[2] - Oh yay, more randomness.
[3] - EVEN MAOR RANDOMNESSNESS. I don't know where this one came from. *eye twitch* But if you guys have any ideas for random things for Sasha to shout, put 'em in your reviews. I might use the best ones. =D
[4] - I don't know if he can. But why not? He's one of the older nations. The question is, does he drive well? xD
[5] - Come on in Russian. Seriously, don't trust me on these. Google is used.
[6] - This is totally possible. I was practicing my color gaurd moves one day and I hit myself in my head, and it made me start to cry. Not really from the pain, that was only a small part. It, like, knocked the tears out of my eyes. O.o Plus I WAS frusturasted, so it kinda just kept going.
[7] - I am sorry in Russian. This I got from Yahoo answers. Still, don't trust me completely. ^.^
[8] - Informal way of saying hello in Russian. Once more, GOOGLE.
[9] - Hey, two in one sentence! From now on, assume I just google it. And don't trust me on these things. Means friend(as in, a friend who is a girl. I believe a boy who is a friend is.. drug?) in Russian.
This... didn't turn out as good as the first chapter. At least I don't think so.
Review, please. It'll make me update faster. =3 'Cause if you have time to read this story, you have time to review~.
I think Ivan likes squishing Sasha. xD
And hey look, protective(kinda?) Russia~. I'm loving revealing different parts of his personality~. I also got to work with possesive Russia.
Next chapter there'll be another unit. Can you guess who it is?
