Hello, dear readers. I'm sorry that this chapter has taken longer than the others (though still not very long compared to a lot of story updates. xD), but I had severe writer's block. I kept typing a few words then deleting it all because everything I did felt stupid. I'm not COMPLETELY happy with how this turned out either, but it's the best I can come up with.
Also, my answer! I would bring my laptop and wi-fi (BECAUSE I CAN. :D), along with some camping supplies and foods. Water would help as well. I would bring Russia, because he's my favorite, and if I run out of water before we're rescued, he might let me drink some of his endless vodka. (I swear he has a portal in his coat...) I might die of alcohol poisoning (or Ivan) but not thirst! XD Plus it would be hot and he might take of his bulky coat SOMETIME, right? xP
And the winner to the competition is... *drum roll* Chikitty! Your entry was hilarious and totally true! PM me what you want in a story and I'll see what I can do with it~.
Everyone else, great entries! I'll have another contest sometime in the future, so don't be depressed~.
AND HARHAR, THE TITLE IS A PUN OF THE HUNGER GAMES. SORTA.
Now, to the story!
Disclaimer: Don't own anything. Read the manuals by LolliDictator, guys, you won't regret it.
-/Hetalia/-
"Defender of men, I would really like some home cooked food, da?"
I jumped as I heard Ivan's voice right behind me while I was searching for three frozen meals in the freezer. "I am tired of those things you call TV dinners and take-out."
Oh, crap. Maybe I could just crawl into the refrigerator... It would be the wisest decion. "Well, I-Ivan, I can't cook, America refuses to make anything but hamburgers, a-a-and you won't cook... I don't know what to do." I turned around slowly as I spoke to see Ivan THISCLOSE to me.
"Can't one of your friends cook, defender of men?" Ivan towered in front of me, intimadating as always.
"Um, Madge's cooking is acceptable, and Audrey can make a few things, but the latter usually uses too much of one ingredient.." I wrung my hands and started to edge away slowly. "She once made me home-made macaroni and cheese, and, the milk-obsessed person she is, it was a bunch of plain noodles practically swimming in cheesy milk[1]." A dark aura slowly began appearing behind Ivan when I heard a knock. My saviour! As I ran to the door I thought, anyone who just saved me is welcome here anytime.
I forgot about the Flying Mint Bunny delivery man.
"Hey, Sasha," Asher said, leaning against another large crate and holding a smaller box under his arm. "You gonna slam the door on me again?"
I shook my head, unable to speak. Not another one. Not so soon! NOT WHEN IVAN WAS GETTING TIRED OF MY FOOD OPTIONS! ... Wait! Hold on! Could it be... a Unit that could cook? Like Italy, China, or Switzerland?
"Who'd you bring me?" I asked eagerly as I signed for it.
"Sudden change in attitude, girl." He raised an eyebrow at me and brought in the boxes. "See for yourself. Hope it's to your liking." He tossed the envelope at me and left. I managed to catch the thing with the tips of my fingers and tore it open, staring at the title.
This wasn't very helpful.
"Cool, dude! Who'd we get?" Alfred looked over my shoulder at the manual and I pointed at the beginning.
'ARTHUR KIRKLAND: User Guide and Manual
CONGRATULATIONS! You have just purchased your very own ARTHUR KIRKLAND unit. This manual was written in order to ensure that you, the owner, can unlock your unit's full potential as a guardian, boyfriend, and/or pirate.'
Alfred started laughing loudly, and I thought of the benefits. Well, he was more mature than the others I'd gotten so far. Therefore, my aunt might really accept him as a gaurdian and stop calling two times a day. (One time Al picked up the phone, announcing himself as 'the hero' and then started yelling at 'the commie bastrad' about vodka vs. hamburgers. THAT took an awful a lot of explaining, I'll tell you.) I imagined he wouldn't be against getting a job. And I had always figured his cooking couldn't be as bad as the other nations said. I wasn't about to feed Ivan anything the English man cooked anytime soon, but still. This could work... maybe. I read the manual then turned my eyes back to methods of removal.
Removal of your ARTHUR KIRKLAND Unit from Packaging
'Awakening your ARTHUR KIRKLAND unit is generally quite simple, but if he was jostled during shipment it could be harder. We have provided this list of failsafe ways to wake your unit, jostled or not, which will not result in you missing any body parts at the end. Your unit tends to make a lot more assumptions than he should, which might result in some terrifying moments while getting him up, but don't worry - he won't really hurt you, unless you're a FRANCIS BONNEFOIS unit.
1. Set a plate of hamburgers next to the box, preferably with a fan to force the aroma towards the box with. Momentarily, your unit will shout at you to get the food out of his face before kicking his way out of the box unless you move the food within two seconds. It is advised to stand a few metres away to avoid being stabbed with bits of the box. Once he realizes that you are not an ALFRED F. JONES unit, he will apologize for his "ghastly behavior" and introduce himself, and you are free to reprogram him then.
2. Play either "Saving Grace" or "The Star-Spangled Banner" as loudly as you can. If you play the first song, your unit will hum or sing to it in his box and it is safe to remove the lid; if you play the second, your unit will shout at you to "turn that damn racket down" and again claw his way out of the box if you do not stop the music. Again, once he notes that you are not in fact an ALFRED F. JONES, he will apologize and be perfectly cordial towards you, allowing you to reprogram him.
3. Clink two glass alcohol bottles - preferably scotch or whiskey - together, in earshot of the box, but not too close lest you be hit by flying bits of wood as your unit scrambles for them. As soon as ARTHUR KIRKLAND has gotten out of the box, he will thank you for the alcohol and chug it; while he does so, you can reprogram him.
4. Cook an aromatic Spanish or French dish and set it down near the box. Your unit will laugh, start to punch his way through the box and ask in an evil tone whether you want to get your ass kicked again. When he sees that you are neither an ANTONIO FERNANDEZ CARRIEDO nor FRANCIS BONNEFOIS unit, he will ask you to excuse his behavior.
5. If you are certain that shipping went perfectly, you can just open the box and hope he doesn't reach out and try to kill you for waking him up incorrectly.'
Al was reading over my shoulder the whole time, until finally I shooed him away. "Two should be easy," I voiced aloud, only to turn and see Al using his OWN favorite method.
AGAIN.
He had set a plate of hamburgers (I don't even want to know where he got them...) and a fan next to the box before turning it on and running for dear life. "AL! WAIT, DON'T-"
The only things I registered next was a British accent coming from the box yelling something along the lines of 'get your greasy death-trap food away from me, Alfred' and then the box exploding open. There was a hard whack on the side of my head and a light burst in front of my eyes[2] and then there was complete darkness. I faintly heard another voice which said, "Comrade Arthur, what have you done to Sasha?" before I sunk even deeper in the darkness and heard nothing.
-/Hetalia/-
"Dude, I think you killed her! Iggy, why? What did poor Sash ever do to you? SHE WAS MY CITIZEN! MY CITIZEN'S HEAD IS BLEEDING!"
I felt my cheek pressed against a slightly rough cloth radiating a bit of heat. The sticky feeling on my head must've been blood, I realized.
"Shut up, you git! I thought she was you, and I didn't know the box was going to do that anyways!"
A wet washcloth dabbed against the sticky substance lightly. I let out a slight groan, unable to form a coherent sentence at that precise moment. A chuckle came from right above me. Ivan, obviously.
"Comrade Sasha, see what happens when you run away from me? If you stayed with me and became one with Mother Russia, I would protect you, da?" A cool-almost cold-hand stroked my head.
"Mmmrph... S'udd'p.. My 'ead 'urts..." I turned my face into the rough cloth. My head was on Ivan's knee, I thought. Another chuckle came from the over-sized Russian.
"See! Look! She's not dead!" Arthur sounded desprete. "Um, maybe if I make her some soup-"
"THEN YOU'LL REALLY KILL HER!" Al screamed. He grabbed me by the shoulders and turned me to face him though my eyes were still shut. He started shaking me. "C'mon, Sash! You can't leave me here alone with the commie and Iggy! Who'll go to McDonalds with me and let me sleep in their bed after a scary movie? WHO'LL PAY THE BILLS?"
Ivan started to 'kol'. "You ublyudok, put her down.."
My eyes snapped open. "Stop.. shakin' me... My head," I moaned, hitting him weakly with a fist. Ivan quickly grabbed me and pulled me out of Alfred's grip.
"Hey, what was that for?" Al growled as I held my aching head with both hands. Ivan's arms were wrapped around me protectively, for once not crushing me.
"Even if my podruga will not become one with me quite yet, I will at least keep her safe a little and away from you until she does, da?" Ivan smiled at Al, who looked like he was about to reply before Arthur spoke up.
"Hold on... Did you say 'let me sleep in their bed after a scary movie', Jones?" Iggy rubbed his chin thoughtfully and smirked at the younger nation who started to pale.
Silence.
"Th-the h-h-hero said nothing of the sort," Alfred protested.
"But I heard it too, comrade," Ivan said, eyes glinting. He stood up, handing me the washcloth. "Amerika, you were scared and slept with Sasha?"
"I DID NO SUCH THING!" ALfred screamed, running off. Ivan chased after him with a grin. That left me and Arthur alone.
"Ah... I do aplogize, Miss." Arthur reached back and rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly.
I pressed the wet cloth to my head and winced. "It's... um, it's okay. You didn't know..." He reached down with a hand and helped me to my feet. "You can call me Sasha or Sash, though."
"Sasha," Arthur clarified. "Should I take you to the hospital?"
I waved his hovering hands away. He loked ready to catch me if I fall. "No, I'll be okay." We stood their in an awkward silence for a minute with the sounds of a giggling Russian and yelling American in the background. My stomach suddenly growled. That made me look down in embarressement. "Er, sorry. It's almost time for dinner."
"Really? Should I cook something?" I looked at the hopeful man. Everyone always put down his cooking. But when I was little, I used to go to an old English pub with my mom and her friend quite a lot, and the food was GOOD. And the fish and chips.. Is that drool? I wiped my chin.
"Can... can you make fish and chips? Please?" I looked up at him with puppy eyes.
Arthur looked absolutely DELIGHTED at the fact I was asking him to cook. "Of course I can! You've got the ingredients, right?"
"Yuh-huh."
"Please don't mangle the English language," he snorted as he went to the kitchen. I stuck my tongue out at him then went to check my head in a mirror. It didn't look too bad. Looked like a sharp edge of wood just cut it when it hit me in the head. I placed a large bandage on it and waited for Iggy to be done.
About thirty minutes later[3] England called me to the kitchen. I found two plates with fish and chips on the table, with Iggy sitting at one. The food looked good, but was there supposed to be a purple aura akin to Ivan's creeper background hovering over it? I picked up a fry and went to eat it.
"NOOOOOO!" Alfred leaped across the kitchen and knocked the french fry out of my hand. "IF YOU EAT THAT YOU WILL DIE!"
I glared at him, and he glared at Arthur. "Alfred, calm down-" As usual, I was interrupted.
"Iggy! How could you? DO YOU WANT TO KILL HER? YOU TRYING TO GO ASSASIN ON HER ASS?" He flailed around, trying to get his point across.
"You git, don't be so rude! You knocked Sasha's food out of her hand! AND MY COOKING IS NOT THAT BAD!" Arthur tore a piece of fish off violently and chewed. "See?"
"The hero was saving her! And you don't count because you can eat anything!" Al then noticed me bringing another fry to my mouth. He slapped my hand. "No!"
"Ow!" I rubbed my hand. "That hurt! Let me eat!"
"No way, dude! Not Iggy's food!"
I tried to eat again and Al slapped my hand again. "Quit it!"
"Stop trying eat the stuff!" Slap.
"Ow!" I brought food to my mouth.
Slap!
"OW!" I tried again.
SLAP!
"OWW!" I stood up and slapped Alfred across the face. "I AM HUNGRY AND TRYING TO EAT. GET YOUR SLAP-HAPPY SELF AWAY FROM ME AND MY FOOD BEFORE I OPEN A CAN OF WHOOP-ASS ON YOU."
"... You have that?" Alfred stared at me. His cheek was bright red and his glasses were askew, but he seemed to be ignoring those things.
"Not very lady-like..." Arthur scoffed.
"PLEASE! If I die from Iggy's cooking ("Don't call me Iggy!"), you can have my Wii and camera," I sighed, looking at the food longingly, then at the fries on the floor.
"WOOHOO! The hero will hold you to that!" America ran off, pretending to fly like a super hero. What. An. Idiot.
My butt returned to the chair. "Finally," I said, reaching down and grabbing a fry. I chomped down on the end of it. I sat still, and my eyes slowly widened. "Arthur," I mumbled through the fry. I could't even attempt to take the food out of my mouth.
"Is it alright?" England asked. He raised a bushy brown eyebrow and sipped at his tea(when'd he make THAT?).
I was silent for a minute, but then I spoke. "England... I love you." The tea in his mouth came spurting across the table, covering the table cloth and the vase of sunflowers Ivan put on it(I knew a certain Russian who might be pissed...). It missed me and my food by a narrow margin.
"E-excuse me?" He sputtered, patting his jacket dry. "Are you mocking my cooking? Or was it so bad you're deillusional?" He stood up, pushing his chair back. "Quick, elevate your legs! Or is it your head? Or maybe your midsection! Elevate something while I get you water!" He ran towards the sink. "I tried my best, I really did! WHERE'S THE BLOODY GLASSES?" He was freaking out quite a lot, thinking he messed up my mind with his cooking somehow.
"Arthur! Arthur, calm down!" I said after finially shoving the rest of the french fry into my mouth and swallowing it. "It's really, really good!"
Iggy stopped in his tracks and turned slowly to face me. "Wha... you... you mean it."
I nodded and took a big bite of fish. "Yeah, see? It reminds me of a good time when I was little."
A bright smile spread across Arthur's face. "I'm so glad you like it, Sasha! No body ever tells me that!" His cheeks were flushed red and he looked absolutely delighted. Why was the grumpy England dancing around my kitchen singing? ... Oh, shit. I unlocked his Loving mode, didn't I? I facepalmed, letting out a groan. I couldn't deal with a loving England. Something landed on my shoulder and I went to brush it off. My hand was grabbed inches from it's destination.
"Don't do that! You'll make Tinker Bell fall!" I looked up at England, who was looking worriedly at my shoulder.
"Iggy, there is no such things as-" Just then I turned my head to look, catching a flash of soft light that turned into the shape of a fairy. I almost screamed. "ENGLAND, WHY IS THERE A FAIRY ON MY SHOULDER?"
His eyes almost turned into hearts. Like seriously, you've seen it many a time in anime. Well, his eyes were sparkling. ENGLAND'S, OF ALL NATIONS, EYES WERE SPARKLING. "You can see them too?." A pause. The I felt a pair of arms wrap around me and I was engulfed by a smell that could rightly be called a mixture of Anglo-Saxxon food, tea, and rum. "I LOVE YOU, SASHA!"
"Defender of men, why are you being hugged by England? Kolkolkolkol..." Ivan had walked in at that very moment, and his eyes began to narrow.
Well damn. I had some explaining to do, huh?
"And why is there tea all over the sunflowers?"
That just made it worse.
-/Hetalia/-
After quite a lot of explaining, a few hours, and shooing away all imaginary creatures, Russia was still pissed at me.
"I told you, I can't cook dinner!" I was almost crying, cornered by Ivan in a corner. "I will poison you. POISON YOU."
"Oh, so now you are threatening me, da?" Ivan smiled down at me which only made me want to cry more.
"NO, I'M NOOOOT!" I covered my eyes.
"But it is not fair that you could stomach that gonvo[4] but you do not feed me." Ivan reached down and lifted me by the shirt just as the doorbell rang again. I am really starting to like that doorbell. I squirmed in his grasp.
"Please let me down, Ivan. I have to answer it." He paused but slowly put me down.
"Okay, Sasha. But I am watching you."
I ran over and flung open the door. "H-YYEEEE!" I had opened it to be drenched in freezing, stinky water. Ivan caught some of it as well. England and America appeared at my scream.
"That was for your 'revenge', Sash," Madge said, holding a bucket in both hands and two plastic baggies hooked on her elbow. She was grinning widely. A giggling Audrey and a flustered Canada stood behind her.
I take it back. I hate that doorbell. Russia, torture me how you will, I was going to remove that thing.
I stood there shivering violently. "Wh-wh-what? Guys! What a-a-are you doing here?"
"Sleepover night," Audrey sing-songed.
"I brought the Chinese, movies, the nation that's always forgotten, and the drinker of our group." Madge jerked her thumb towards Audrey.
"And I brought the illegal alcohol," Audrey said, lifting up two paper bags and a plastic one. "Beer, rum, vodka, and jello to make jello shots!"
"I-I have the clothes and other materials," Mattie offered. He gestured to the small duffel bags slung across his shoulder.
"Rum?" Arthur said, looking between me and Ivan expectingly. "You guys stink like fish, by the way."
"ENGLAND!" Audrey squealed and tackled him to the ground.
I had forgotten about sleep-over night. We all tried to get together once or twice a month to have elaborate sleep-overs. The name had night in it, but it could last for DAYS. I wanted them to get out, but I really could use time with them. I'd been so occupied by the Hetalia units I hadn't spent much time with my best friends. I ignored the shrieking from the flor and looked at Madge. "Alright, fine. Get set up. But now I'm going tpo have to take a shower or a bath," I growled.
Madge nodded happily, skipping in. "No prob, Sasha!"
"I am going to have to take one too, comrade. Why do we not bathe together?" Ivan smiled at me, but I could see a familiar look in his eyes. The 'I'm going to kill you/torture you for whatever you did to piss me off'. Then I remembered that one line under 'Cleaning' in his manual. 'Reject any of his requests to bathe with you; he will most likely hold your head underwater and say he was shampooing your hair.'
"N-no thanks," I said as England got up, dusting himself off. I could feel my face growing pale. "I can be quick. It'll just take five minutes!"
"But I insist," Ivan said giggling. He grabbed me by my shirt again and began dragging me towards the bathroom.
"GUUUUYYYYSSS, HELP MEEE!" I cried, grabbing anything in my reach to slow down Russia's advancement towards the tub.
"Shouldn't we help her..?" Arthur asked, looking worried.
"No way, dude! This is hilarious!" America bursted out just as Audrey let out a 'nope~!' They high-fived and started laughing.
I turned to the last one I could count on for help. "Madge..?" I whispered, holding onto the door frame of the bathroom. "My friend, my last hope, the person with a black belt in karate?"
A grin slowly spread across her face. "You set me up with a Hetalia unit order. You and Audrey have tortured me multiple times. You prefer to Spamano to GerIta. Uh-bye-bye, Sasha~!" She waved, and the bathroom door was shut in my face. I was stuck in there alone with a madly giggling sadistic Russian who was crouched over me, smiling widely.
"NNNOOOOOOOOOO," I screamed, pounding on the door. "YOU GUYS, I'LL GET YOU BACK, YOU HEAR?"
Maybe, just maybe, I should get some new, helpful friends.
-/Hetalia/-
[1] - Yeeeaaahhh... my actual friend I based Audrey on did exactly that. NOT. COOL. DX And she managed to actually drink the cheese-milk... Oh God I'm gagging right now.
[2] - I have heard being knocked out described many times like this, so, I'm going with it. XD
[3] - I don't know how long this would take, soo... I just decided on thirty minutes.
[4] - Shit in Russian. I really don't think this is right. DX
Yeah, I started school. *sigh* That's why this update took so long. I've been pretty busy, and inspiration for this chapter was already minimal. And I'm pretty sick right now. My head's killing me. But! But! I felt like this was really taking too long, so I tried my best. Sorry if it's shorter than usual, but this sleep-over is seperated in two parts. The next part will be up... sometime in the near future.
Arthur won't be in this mode for too long. Probably just the first part of next chapter then he'll be back to normal.
So hope you enjoyed, hasta luego and review! :D
