A Time of Betrayal
The Reverend Mother stood before the window in her office. She never failed to find beauty and a sense of tranquility in the golden circles kissing the sunlight that came through. But she was finding it very hard on this mid-day, after an unexpected visit from Captain Von Trapp.
It had been the last thing she had expected upon waking up this morning. When a very confused Sister Margaretta had announced his presence and urgent need to speak to her, she had let him in immediately out of her own surprise. And the situation he had explained which had only recently come to light to him and his family was also unexpected as well as devastating. Instantly upon hearing this story, the Reverend Mother was filled with compassion for and anger on behalf of Maria, the Von Trapp children, and the Captain. But when the Captain told her what he felt was the only thing that could honorably be done to make it right, she was less surprised which surprised herself.
His solution made perfect sense, and the Reverend Mother was surprised when she found herself believing more and more that it was the right thing to be done. This made her a bit scared, especially thinking of Maria, what had been done to her, and the tearful state in which she had confided in her three weeks ago. Waiting for Maria now, the Reverend Mother knew that she would do anything but take kindly to the suggestion. She would be angry, and most likely lash out.
And yet…the Reverend Mother could not help but feel that this was the right thing for everybody. From what Maria had told her – and the glimpses she had gotten of seeing her with the visiting children – she had become a mother to those seven children whom she loved very much. The children needed her and she needed them, on a much more profound level than that of governess and pupils.
As far as the Captain was concerned…Of course the Reverend Mother hated what he had done to Maria, but she could understand why. The Reverend Mother was a very good judge of character, and could spot a falsehood a mile away. When she had seen him both three weeks ago and just this morning, the Reverend Mother could find no lie or deception in his eyes, words, tone or behavior. And the fact that he had come the very next morning and confessed everything to her since he could not see Maria meant a great deal – a true sign of maturity, honor, and the need to make things right. He was definitely learning from his mistakes, if he hadn't completely already, and somehow, the Reverend Mother knew that he would never intentionally hurt Maria again.
When he had spoken to her of the proposed arrangement, the Reverend Mother could see in his eyes and hear in his tone that he cared for her. After hearing his argument and story, the Reverend Mother could only promise that she would speak to Maria about this right away, and that the decision was hers alone. After the Captain had left, the Reverend Mother had called Father Norbert at Saint Joseph Parish. Though she had met him only once, they had a correspondence. Especially when any young women at Saint Joseph Parish were considering the life of a nun, Father Norbert would call the Reverend Mother and make the introductions. She had great respect and like for him, so the Reverend Mother felt, before she spoke to Maria, that she just needed to make sure that someone other than herself had faith in the Captain.
Her conversation with Father Norbert was not disappointing. It turned out that he had known the Captain from infancy, so better than anybody. If this honest man had faith in him…
A knock sounded on her door, and the Reverend Mother broke out of her reverie. "Ave," she called, knowing who it would be, having summoned her not long ago. She took a deep breath and approached the door as Maria came in; this was not going to be an easy conversation.
The young woman immediately knelt down and kissed the older woman's hand; the Reverend Mother thought it best to waste no time and do this quickly, like a Band-Aid. "Sit down, my child."
Maria did, looking both curious and a little worried about the Reverend Mother's serious tone. "Has something happened, Reverend Mother?"
The Reverend Mother sighed. "I'm afraid so." She sat down at her desk. "The Captain came by to see me this morning."
This answer surprised Maria for a moment, and immediately withdrew a bit inside herself, as if cringing from his name. But then her compassion and worry took the upper hand as she thought about what his visit could mean. "Are the children all right? Has someone been hurt or is someone sick?"
"No, no, no, nothing like that."
Maria breathed a big sigh of relief. "Then what is it? What did he want?"
Every day for three weeks, Maria knew he came to see her but she had yet to see him. All of his letters lay in her drawer, unopened. Originally, she had wanted to destroy them, but something held her back from doing that. It was getting increasingly harder, as time went on, to be completely silent.
Now, Maria was alarmed to see the nervousness and sadness mingled with the firmness in the Reverend Mother's eyes. That was something she had never seen before; this was definitely serious.
"It seems, Maria, that the Baroness Schraeder knows what happened that day three weeks ago. All that happened. That was the reason for her leaving so quickly the next morning."
The young woman's eyes widened in horror. "But she has to know that that was not my fault, that absolutely nothing beyond that happened! For heaven's sake, he was with her for six weeks, and that was only the second day I'd known him! She can't believe that I…"
The Reverend Mother's eyes became even more sad. "Whether she really believes a falsehood or not, she has been hurt and has exacted revenge on all of you. It seems that she has been spreading gossip all over town that you and the Captain have a close and inappropriate relationship, to put it nicely."
What followed was something very similar to the Captain's reaction to this news once alone with Max in his study. Though Maria was no sailor, she had grown up on a farm with an uncle who had the crudest vocabulary, and could recall some good swear words she had never before used until now. Thankfully, her modesty kept her from shouting them and she would lower her voice astronomically when uttering one.
After about fifteen minutes of venting, Maria remembered where she was and quieted down. But the anger was still restless through her veins so she remained standing at the stained glass window, feeling jittery like she wanted to break something. But of course she wouldn't do that. Not only was she angry on behalf of herself, she was even more angry on behalf of the children, who were completely innocent. She even felt some measure of sympathy for the Captain – after all, it was a lie that was being spread around. He may have done something horrible but it wasn't that horrible.
"I have to fix this," said Maria, finally in a calmer tone. "We have to fix this somehow. It's not right, it's just not right. Oh, Reverend Mother, what's to be done? I can't bear just sitting by and letting this happen?" She turned to look at the older woman, and saw the nervousness in her eyes was more pronounced than ever. This told Maria two things: that the Reverend Mother did indeed have a solution, and that she, Maria, would not like it.
On both counts, Maria was right.
"Not only did the Captain come this morning to tell me this, but also to propose a solution…My child, it seems the only way this can be made right is if…you and the Captain marry."
What passed next, as Maria would remember in years to come, became a blur.
She knew that she must have went into shock for a while before she began listing to the Reverend Mother all of the arguments against such an arrangement, some very valid ones. But the Reverend Mother would, as gently as she could, argue back, which shook Maria more than anything. She had thought the Reverend Mother had been on her side! She would really want her to…
Finally, Maria made her final argument: she was a postulant, she wanted to commit herself to God, had wanted to all of her life. She knew she had a lot to learn but couldn't the Reverend Mother see how sincere and genuine she was in her dedication and faith?
Whether or not she did, the Reverend Mother had told her, in a sad voice, something that laid the matter to rest completely, even though Maria denied it to herself at first:
"My daughter, I know how much you have gone through in the past weeks, and the blame falls on me for sending you to the Von Trapp family in the first place. But I believe I was right in saying it was God's will that you went…and I can't help but believe that now, it is God's will that you go back and become a part of this family."
The next clear thing Maria could remember was the sensation of running. Out of the office, out of the abbey, out of town. She never stopped. She fell several times, but she ignored the momentary pain and just picked up running again.
From the moment the Reverend Mother had spoken those words, Maria had felt a feeling of claustrophobia tighten around her heart, her breath, her body, her postulant's work dress, the black wimple. She wanted to throw up, to smash something, to scream, and she couldn't do that in front of the mother figure who had just betrayed her.
So she ran, as fast as she could without pause, to the one place she could feel free and could breathe: her special spot on her mountain.
Once she got there, Maria collapses onto her hands and knees on the bank of her brook, and gasped for breath.
Still feeling trapped but somehow more free, Maria gave into her impulse when she got her breath back and screamed, long and hard, letting everything she had been holding back for three weeks out, before collapsing fully onto the grass in sobs.
When she had sobbed herself out, Maria sat back up with her feet tucked under her. She wiped her face roughly, and her fingers came in contact with the wimple she was wearing. Slowly, she pulled it off and looked at it. Her feeling of being trapped returned, as did her anger, now mingled with her exhaustion.
God's will…
She had been brought up to regard this as the highest authority, especially at the abbey. It was the most important lesson she had learned there: to find His will and do it wholeheartedly. But what good had God's will done her?
God's will had led her into the clutches of a monster, and now God's will wanted to push her back there permanently.
A newer, deeper anger began to spread slowly in Maria like a potent poison. All her life she had wanted to serve God, to belong only to him, to be his faithful servant. But, it seemed that God neither wanted her nor cared for her, just like everyone else. She belonged nowhere; she was completely alone.
God had abandoned her, from the moment He had taken her parents from her at so young an age and set her life on a lonely and abusive path. He cared nothing for a meaningless, useless peasant girl.
Hot tears in her eyes, Maria savagely threw her wimple into the brook, and did not watch it slowly float away.
But then a distant sound broke through her haze of anger and hurt, and it made her forget everything momentarily and become fully alert. It sounded like a group of people approaching, more than a few. The voices were young…could it possibly be…
Not thinking twice, and aware of how she must look to outside eyes, Maria ran to a nearby tree, her favorite tree since she was a little girl. Hastily, she climbed up and settled onto a high, sturdy branch she knew concealed her completely from outside eyes.
Invisible, Maria watched through the shifting branches and leaves as the children, Max, and the Captain, all carrying supplies for a picnic, made their way to the spot she had just abandoned.
