A Time of Preparation

For Maria, this week represented her final days of freedom and innocence. Of course she would be glad to be with the children on a regular basis again, but the prospect of where she would be going after she tucked them in at night filled her with terror, anger and hopelessness. So, from the moment she had made her choice to go along with the arrangement, Maria had vowed to herself to make the most of this final week.

The evening before the dreaded arrangement, as Maria thought of it, Maria and Dominik found themselves at their special spot by the mountain. The sun had just set, and the first star had appeared on the horizon. It was not night-dark yet, but it was heading in that direction quickly. Dominik was sitting against the trunk of Maria's tree, his chin on his chest, in a light slumber.

Maria sat at the edge of her brook, the same spot where she had thrown her wimple angrily a week ago. Looking at him over her shoulder, Maria knew that the right and best thing to do would be to wake him up and head back with him to the Bristol Hotel where they could get some sleep. But she couldn't quite bring herself to do it yet, because going back to the hotel would just mean going to sleep, and waking up to the dreaded arrangement.

Maria knew that this was foolish; time was not paused mercifully even on her beloved mountain – it waited for nobody and continued on. It was a strange quality in a person's mind, Maria had concluded that day, how time can change speed in a person's mind depending on what the future held. If one was greatly looking forward to something, time would often slow and one would come to the conclusion that that something would never come. Now, when she was positively dreading something in the future, time seemed to go by much quicker when she tried to hold onto it, much like the water she had scooped up from the brook in her cupped hands. She watched it all drain between her fingers back into the brook, and felt her heart twist.

Now, and in years to come, Maria would only remember snippets of this brief week…


"Ria, slow down! What happened? Are you all right?"

It wasn't until Maria was sure they were far enough away from the Mirabell Gardens and out of sight that she slowed down for her brother, but still she did not speak, not until they were both back in their room.

The young woman sat down on one of the beds and her brother sat down beside her. Immediately he put a hand on her shoulder. "Ria, talk to me."

A few moments of silence passed before she spoke in the tone he imagined a ghost would use. "We're marrying sometime on the fifteenth, before you leave."

Dominik's eyes widened, and he took Maria's other shoulder so she faced him. "Sister! Are you sure? Don't feel like you have to sacrifice your whole life for someone else's mistake."

Maria smiled at him sadly. "Unfortunately, mistakes usually don't have consequences only for the one making it. Dom, you know me better than anybody; you shouldn't be surprised that I made this decision. I love those children as if they were my own flesh and blood. I could never live with myself if I didn't do everything in my power to help them, provide for them and love them. It's why I stood up to their father three weeks ago…and it's why I made this decision now."

Wordlessly, Dominik stood up and pulled her up too. He immediately wrapped her in a tight hug. "You know that's not what I meant, Maria…" he said softly, and he felt her tremble a bit.

"If Christ could die the death that he did the way he did…there's no reason why I shouldn't be able to endure…certain things."

Dominik held her tighter. "He hurts you, does anything you don't want him to, you tell me and I will come, I don't care what I'm in the middle of."

Maria, under normal circumstances, would have told him that he couldn't just pick up and leave school whenever she had a complaint, or that it would be her duty to…she couldn't bring herself to think of the word.

But now, being so scared and sad, Maria just held her brother tighter to her, determined not to cry.


And throughout this past week, that's exactly what Maria had done: clung her brother close to her and resisted the impulse to cry.

She and Dominik had spent all of their time together, as they always did on his always-too-short visits to Salzburg. They had done everything they could afford to do together in town, anything to keep Maria's mind off of what was coming.

Of course, that was hard to do on the occasions during the week when she had seen the children. Not that that was a bad thing, far from it; but their father would always be with them...


Later that night, their telephone rang. Knowing perfectly well whom it would be from, she wordlessly asked Dominik to answer it for her, which he did. Of course it was from the Von Trapp villa, but it was Max speaking, which made it easier for the both of them. Through Dominik, Maria answered the questions that the Captain had via Max about the…ceremony. She made it perfectly clear: she didn't care where, as long as it was on the fifteenth before her brother left; she would have no fuss, flowers or decorations; the only witnesses she wanted there were the children, Max and her brother.

The only request that Georg had made was that it take place at the Church of St. Joseph, and that Father Norbert perform the ceremony. Maria had no objections to that.

Plans were also made for all of them to get together for a picnic, so the children could all see Maria again and properly get to know Dominik, since he would be joining the family too, in a way. The ninth of August had dawned beautifully, and when Maria and her brother came to the crest of the hill and spotted the nine waiting for them, the children immediately rushed to her looking so happy.

After having concluded this was the best solution for them all when Liesl had told them about the gossip, hearing the news from father had brought them a great sense of relief that a solution was in progress, and happiness that their Maria would be with them always.

As she held them all, for the first time Maria felt right in her decision. Then, as they led her back, the feeling disappeared when she spotted their father, and barely looked or spoke to him during their picnic.

Over the week, there were a few more short get-togethers with the children. Never at the house, though, and the Captain always reminded the children that Maria needed time with her brother. She wished she could be grateful for his insistence, but she knew he was only doing so out of guilt.


It seemed that one moment, she blinked, and when she opened her eyes it was the day before the…arrangement. It had been an eventful day, one in which she had not seen the Captain and only one of his children. She'd also seen the closest thing she had to a mother she had now...


"Ave."

Maria came into the familiar office at the familiar call. The Reverend Mother looked unchanged in her eyes – would she ever change? Maria doubted it.

The Reverend Mother stood up from her seat with a happy, relieved and concerned look on her face. "Oh, my child!"

Maria felt a lump rise in her throat at that, and had the impulse to, like she did when she was very very little, run to her mother and cling to her for dear life while she cried. But it only lasted a moment, before Maria realized that she no longer had that luxury anymore.

"Reverend Mother," she said, calmly and almost coolly, nodding her head. It was the first time she had not greeted the Reverend Mother by kneeling and kissing her hand. But she was no longer a postulant anymore, so…

"Please, sit down," said the Reverend Mother, motioning to the chair.

Maria did, and both women faced each other with the desk between them. In that moment, as well as the previous one, Maria felt that something had forever changed in her relationship with the Reverend Mother. No longer did she see the Reverend Mother as an all-wise, perfect living saint: she was a human being with wisdom and saint-like qualities. This must be what it felt like for every teenager who realize that they're parents are only human.

"I am glad to see you at least look well, Maria," said the Reverend Mother, almost hesitantly.

"If I do, then Dominik is the sole reason for that," said Maria to the comment. Looking at the older woman, she said in earnest, "I do apologize for causing you and the other sisters worry last week when I fled; I was just so angry and it helped to have something to be angry at, even if it was unjustified."

The Reverend Mother just nodded, understanding in her eyes.

Maria sighed and lowered her gaze to her lap as she said, "We're going through with the arrangement tomorrow, at the Church of St. Joseph."

Looking up, Maria saw the impact of her decision hit the Reverend Mother as she leaned back in her chair. Immediately, Maria stated the same reasons that she had given Dominik days ago, ending on one that she had not shared with him. "In all honesty, Reverend Mother, I don't know what else to do with my life that could have some measure of happiness, even if it will become overshadowed. For so long, I've wanted to be a nun; I couldn't imagine a happier life than to serve God. But now, to be honest, I feel like God has just slammed the door in my face because I am not good enough for Him."

"Oh, my daughter…" said the Reverend Mother, leaning forward again, her eyes burning in earnest. "You mustn't think like that. God has not abandoned you and He will never stop loving you. He simply has something different in mind for your life, that's all, and feels you could do more good somewhere else rather than with us."

Maria's eyes lowered as she, for the millionth time that week, pushed back tears. "No matter the cost…" she murmured so quietly the Reverend Mother almost didn't hear her.


The rest of the conversation Maria had pushed from her mind, for she had to be almost rude to the Reverend Mother when she had tried to give Maria advice about being a good wife, using certain Bible quotes as gently as she could. Maria had made an almost hasty retreat for fear of becoming angry again.

That afternoon, she and Liesl had gotten together at Liesl's request, for she wanted Maria's help shopping, which surprised Maria that Liesl would want to do this now. But, it turned out, it was not Liesl that Maria was helping to shop for…


"What do you think of this one, Fraulein?" asked Liesl, her eyes positively glowing as she pulled out a dress from the rack in the dress shop.

Maria came around to Liesl's side so as to get a better look. The dress surprised her: it was pure white, with long sleeves, a modest neckline and a skirt covering the knees

"This one, Liesl?" said Maria, her hand impulsively reaching out and stroking the pretty fabric. "It would be bridal if it were more fancy, and I would think that you would want something more…I mean, less, mature."

"But do you like it, Fraulein?"

"Yes, it's absolutely lovely," replied Maria truthfully, still looking at the dress.

"Then it's settled," said Liesl with finality, and headed straight for the counter with the dress. Maria, still perplexed at Liesl's choice for herself, merely shrugged and followed her.

After leaving the shop, Maria and Liesl walked to the next street where Max was waiting to drive Liesl home. Coming to the car, Liesl surprised Maria by handing Maria the dress with a "There you go."

"What?" asked Maria. "But, Liesl, this is yours!"

Liesl turned to her mother-to-be with a smile. "No, Fraulein, this is yours. It's a gift from all seven of us for you to wear tomorrow."

"But –"

But Liesl stopped her by placing a hand on Maria's arm. "Please, Fraulein, don't object. We all know that what you're doing is a huge sacrifice for us, and we couldn't be happier that we get to keep you forever. We simply had to do something for you to show at least a portion of our gratitude and love. And because Marta and Gretl would be scandalized if a bride did not wear white, and knowing that you didn't want any fuss, we saw this as a very good compromise."

Maria was speechless. What could she say? How could she object?

The two women shared a tight hug, and Liesl whispered, "I'm just glad I'll always have my best friend beside me."

Maria just hugged her tighter.


She would put on a brave face for the sake of the children, that much was certain. She would not make them sad or frighten them by showing her true feelings of the…arrangement. They were worth it, more than worth it, what she was doing…It had been with those children that she had, for the first time, felt like she truly belonged somewhere, felt right in her skin. But now…she would not be their governess anymore, her role would change. She would not be their mother…and a wife.

She wasn't ready for that.

Maria scooted closer to the edge of the brook and looked at her reflection, barely visible in the early night light.

Did she look like a bride? Even in the lovely dress she would wear tomorrow? No. She hadn't been a good postulant either, though she had cut off her hair for it: waist-length and straw-straight.

She wasn't right for anything it seemed.

Knowing she had to let her feelings out somehow, she let them out in a song:

"Look at me…I could never pass

For a perfect bride or a perfect daughter.

Can it be I'm not meant to play these parts?

Now I see…

If I wear a mask, I can fool the world,

But I cannot fool my heart…"

Maria raised her head to the skies, where more stars were peeping through, letting her voice unleash some of the anguish that she felt.

"They want a docile lamb!

No one knows who I am.

Must there be a secret me I force to hide?

Must I pretend that I'm

Someone else for all time?

When will my reflection show who I am inside?"

Defeated, she looked back down into the waters at the image of a broken young woman.

"When will my reflection show who I am inside?"

Somehow it didn't surprise her when, immediately after she was done, Maria felt her brother's arms wrap around her shoulders. She gladly raised her hands up to clutch his arm, resting her head in the crook of his elbow.

Maria only let one tear escape, the first in a week.

After a while, Maria pulled both of them up with a soft, "Let's head back, before it get's too dark."

In her mind now, there was no point in prolonging the inevitable anymore.


A/N: The song is from the Disney movie "Mulan," lyrics taken from both the original and pop versions.