A Time to Let
The powerful moment and gaze between the bride and groom was broken when Father Norbert gently shut his book, concluding the ceremony. Marta and Gretl immediately ran to their new mother to embrace her, the other children following behind. Maria was grateful for the broken spell, for it felt completely foreign to her and she did not know where it could lead.
Tears of joy came to her eyes when little Gretl, her arms wrapped around Maria's neck, whispered into her ear, "I love you, Mother."
"I love you too, daughter," Maria whispered back, lifting her off the ground hugging her. Then she set her down to hug the other children.
For a few minutes, the family stood embracing each other in turn – with the grand exception of the bride and groom – until Georg pulled out his gold pocket watch and looked at the time. "It's nearly four thirty, Dominik," he said quietly to his new brother-in-law.
Dominik nodded, grateful that Georg had not made the announcement to everyone; Maria might assume that Georg was purposefully trying to get him on the train quicker.
So he clapped his hands once to get everyone's attention and said, "Well, my train leaves for Vienna at five o'clock, and I think it's about time we headed off to the train station." He concluded by touching Maria's elbow. He could see the flash of fear and sadness at this announcement, but quickly nodded, and led the party out of the church holding Marta and Gretl by the hand.
Dominik deliberately walked behind the party and made sure that Liesl walked alongside him. "I want to ask you something, Liesl."
"Of course, anything," said Liesl immediately. One of the joys of the past week for her had been getting to know Dominik. She had found that they had a lot in common with each other, both in interests and personalities. His stories of university life in Vienna fascinated the sixteen-year-old, who could not deny the part of herself that wanted to just skip the next year of secondary school and begin a life for herself.
Dominik, in turn, liked Liesl very much, and had a great respect for the balance of optimistic innocence and mothering maturity in her. So he felt good in making his request. "You know that my sister is doing this for the sake of you and your siblings. I think she feels a little unconfident in her new role as mother and mistress of the house. I just want you and the other children to make it as easy for her as you can; but since I know how much you all love her, perhaps I don't need to ask at all. Just call it the worry of a brother who cares."
Liesl smiled and laughed, knowing that Frederich or Kurt would, despite their immature spats from time to time, do the same for each of their sisters. "Believe me, we will, Dominik. I'll write to you and be as honest as I can in my observations and then you can tell us where to go from there."
"Thank you," said Dominik, pulling her in for a brief hug. Looking at all of the children after they were piled in the big car with Max, he said, "I'm so glad I got to meet all of you, and I'll be sure to come here for Christmas, if I am welcome."
The children all shouted assent, while Georg said, "You are welcome anytime, Dominik. Our home is your home."
Dominik exchanged a brief, powerful gaze with Max, which communicated a similar message to the one he had given Liesl, and Max nodded with certainty. Maria, Georg and Dominik waved as they watched the big car drive away and out of sight.
Wordlessly, Georg led the way to the smaller car, holding the back door open, not just for Dominik, but Maria also. Maria braved his glance briefly and managed to nod in gratitude.
During the drive, Georg spoke with Dominik, asking questions about his music education and their opinions about certain pianists and composers. Maria, her head on her brother's shoulder, vaguely wondered at the Captain's seemingly vast knowledge of a subject he had subdued for years. Did he play the piano himself? Did he once compose? There were so many things she did not know about this husband, including who he really was. But she did not allow such thoughts to trouble her now; she just wanted to soak in the presence of her brother as much as she could, now that the time of separation was upon them.
When she felt the car slow and then stop, she suppressed a sob. Maria wished she did not have to see her brother go so soon; his presence would have been such a support for her. But she couldn't change the circumstances. So she put on a brave face and followed the two men into the station.
His train was waiting at the proper platform. While the Captain was overseeing his luggage going aboard, Dominik and Maria held each other in a very tight embrace. Oh, it was a monumental task not to cry for Maria, and she couldn't stop the slight trembling of her body with the sheer effort of it. Of course Dominik felt it, and rubbed her back. "You call me, write me, tell me if he does anything you don't want him to," he whispered.
"Unfortunately, he has the right to do certain things I wouldn't want him to," said Maria in a dead voice.
"No, he does not," breathed Dominik, fiercely holding his sister. "It's your body, your rules; he knows you didn't enter into this for him. What kind of man would demand that of you after everything that's happened?"
"A typical one," was Maria's reply. "Which you are not." Hardening, she pulled out of their embrace and smoothed his jacket, saying in a falsely positive voice. "Now get on board before it rolls away, all right? I'll write and call as often as I can." She kissed his forehead and he kissed hers.
"Love you, Ria."
"Love you, Dom."
The brother and sister turned around to see the Captain standing almost near them, just far enough away to be out of earshot.
Dominik let go of his sister and walked to the Captain, facing him square on. He did not look menacing – he was too gentle for that – he just looked at him straight, which, to a guilty man, is the worst thing to face.
"I know all that you've done to her and how you treated her. I will always regret that I was not there to protect my sister as she protected me so many times in our youth. Now it is only her insistence that I go back and leave her again, and I wish I could do more than pray that you have enough guilt and decency inside of you to take care of her."
Georg met Dominik's gaze. "I have more than that for her to ensure she is provided for and cared for. If I could take a blood oath right here, I would, if it meant your peace of mind. And if ever I make a mistake, you have my full permission to do whatever you wish with me as punishment."
Dominik digested these words, looking at his new brother-in-law. After watching him for a week, his gut feeling was that he was being truthful now. His gut had never been wrong before…but he prayed it was still right now. For all of their sakes.
The warning whistle of the train blew, and Dominik immediately rushed to Maria to give her one more quick, powerful embrace which she returned. They didn't say anything; no words needed to be said. Dominik boarded the train and their gazes stayed locked from where he sat at the window to where she stood on the platform until the train was out of sight.
Over the last few years, it had become easier for the both of them to separate for such long periods after being nearly inseparable in their childhoods. Now, Maria felt the separation even harder than the first time. She felt as if her heart had been ripped out of her chest and was rushing away with the train, leaving a trail of blood all the way behind it.
Now she felt truly alone.
But the twenty-one-year-old only let the moment last for that: a moment. She pushed back her tears for the umpteenth time and immediately began the walk out of the train station and back to the car. She knew the Captain would have been watching her and would follow her; she couldn't bear to have him tell her it was time to go, however gently it might have been done.
He got in the car almost immediately after she did. She didn't look at him when she heard him say, "Maria, are you –"
Maria just held up a hand to stop him, then mimed with her hand, telling him to start the car. The whole ride back, there was silence. Maria was slumped forward, folded palms pressed to her forehead. Her psyche was fighting a monumental battle that eventually reached its victory when the car was driving along the familiar dirt road Maria had once danced down: shove all fear and sadness to some locked drawer and be as normal and happy as you can for the children.
And Maria succeeded that evening, even feeling happiness fill her many moments that evening, especially when a child would call her "mother." It also filled her with happiness to see Ellen Schmidt again. The housekeeper, upon first sight of Maria, gave an exclamation and gave Maria such a tight hug that Maria almost couldn't breathe.
Dinner was long and lovely, with the children chattering away and Max making jokes. Her favorite foods were served, and she was touched that Ellen had thought of her. The Captain barely said anything, and Maria chose to pretend that he was not there, because just the thought of him or the mention of him filled Maria with a cold fear of what would come tonight; she would not let her brain go any farther.
This became harder when it was time to put the children to bed, because this was not only her job anymore, but their father's. Maria took her sweet time with the nighttime rituals, especially with the little ones. The problem was that they were all very tired from the events of the day, so none of them took a lot of effort to put to sleep; Marta and Gretl didn't even need a lullaby. All they needed was one storybook and a kiss from their father and new mother.
After Maria shut the door to their room – softly and slowly – the fear, anxiety and worry all flooded back into her system. But, miraculously, she managed to stay quiet and keep some kind of calm façade. But she was sure, when she turned to face her new husband for the first time since the ceremony, he would be perceptive enough to see all of her emotions in her eyes. Her mind had fleeting, half-hopeful thoughts. Perhaps he'll just suggest I go to my old room. Perhaps he'll just leave me alone.
"Follow me," said the Captain softly, and began to walk down the hallway – away from her old room.
What else could she do but follow him? She was his wife now, after all, and he had rights to her body now…Maria felt a sharp shudder go through her body. Maria remembered seeing certain farm animals mate, and how rough it looked, especially to the females. And she would not begin to think of her uncle, who occasionally brought a prostitute back to the house. Even as Maria ran out of the house to the safety of her barn, sometimes she could not help hearing a feminine scream or a masculine roar that only made her cover her ears as she ran. If this was what her husband now had the right to do to her…It was a miracle that she only silently wept and not screamed herself.
Maria managed to wipe her face of tears as the Captain stopped in his tracks. He opened a white painted door near the end of the hallway. He turned the handle and opened the door, stepping aside and motioning for her to go through. Feeling like a prison inmate being ushered into a dark, dank cell, Maria gulped and obediently went in.
The bedroom surprised her. Of course it was beautifully furnished with a queen-sized bed, nice bureau and closet, with a private bathroom and fresh flowers in the room. But it was also…
"Do you like it?" asked the Captain, again in that soft tone. It startled Maria, though, who was absorbed in looking around her new room. Turning to look at him, Maria realized that he had yet to cross the threshold into the room, though they stood barely two feet apart.
"Y-yes, it's lovely," replied Maria, wishing she did not sound so terrified, but there could be no helping that. "Smaller than I imagined."
"Would you like a bigger room for yourself?"
Her reply was automatic, in her nerves she didn't register what he was saying at first. "Oh, not at all, it's more than – wait, what?" Did he just say…
"I'm glad that you like it, then," said the Captain. His voice remained soft and sad, the same as his eyes. "Your old room was on the side of the house where the servants sleep, and you are anything but that. As an essential member of this family, I wanted to give you a room on the family side of the house. You are now mistress of this villa, but this room is yours and yours only. To further ensure that…" The Captain reached into his pocket, and pulled out a silver key. "Here is the key, and the only key, to the room. There is no other copy, unless you request another made."
Maria looked so stunned that someone could have hit her on the head and she would not have reacted. But her ears and eyes were open, taking in every word and the expression in his eyes – the same expression she had seen just after he had kissed her that afternoon.
Again, the Captain reached into his pocket and pulled out a key, this time a gold one, which he placed on his other palm beside the silver one. "This is a key to the master bedroom, where I sleep. I have the other copy, and I give the other one to you. My door will never be locked to you, Maria, should you ever wish to come in."
He held out his hand for her to take the keys. Still shocked, thinking this too good to be true, Maria reached out trembling fingers to grasp the keys, When she did, the Captain gently covered that hand with his free one. She met his gaze again, and almost lost her breath at the sadness in them.
What could she say? She had to say something. "I…"
"I made a promise to you by the fountain, and I made a vow to you today. I intend to honor both for the rest of my life, and don't deserve your gratitude or any kind of affection. I couldn't live with myself if I asked so much of you now, when I have made to many mistakes, which you have suffered and sacrificed enough for."
He paused, and his eyes burned, but not the way they did that day by the lake that frightened her so much. It burned with something that touched somewhere in her heart, but her mind could not translate it. As if he wanted something he could never have.
Then the spell broke: he looked down at their hands and let hers go. "Goodnight, Maria," he murmured, and walked to the door at the very end of the passage, went in, and softly shut the door. This Maria watched before she slowly shut her own door.
Did that really just happen? Then I really don't have to…
Maria leaned her back against the door and slowly slid to the floor, still consumed with shock. Cradling the keys in her hands, she felt her shock slowly change to two emotions: profoundly relief, and a little of something she could not quite define but left her feeling…almost empty.
Georg sat on the edge of his bed, his face in his hands. He certainly didn't feel like a married man; he would not allow himself to feel that joy. He didn't deserve it.
Her face haunted him. Granted, it had haunted him from the moment he'd met her, but now images of her from today haunted him. Oh, how lovely she had looked in that dress. Georg had only ever seen her in rough or wet clothes, and now she wore something worthy of her. For a moment, he forgot the circumstances, and just focused on the fact that she was his bride. His heart lifted for the first time in years.
But it had not lasted long, once he observed her more closely when she took her place in front of him. He had seen how she didn't look at him, and how her trembling hands had hung limp in his gentle grasp. He had seen how she had closed her eyes and set her face when he was asked to kiss her, as if expecting a slap instead. He had seen how pointedly she had avoided even looking at him all evening. He had seen the anguish in her eyes when Dominik had left, and the terror in her eyes when she had looked at him after putting the girls to bed.
And while Georg had witnessed these things, all he wanted to do was hold her, soothe her, comfort her, make her feel safe and warm. But he couldn't, because he knew that he was the cause of all of this, and had only himself to blame.
It was the worst feeling he had ever experienced.
Eventually, he crawled into bed and waited for sleep to take him. He couldn't help but also remember how surprised she had looked at him on two occasions today, when he'd shown her that he was not the monster he had once been. There was a reason he had adamantly rejected Father Norbert's suggestion to leave the kiss out of the ceremony, and there was a reason he was entrusting her with not only a room of her own control but also the other key to his own chambers: he would show her, step by step, the man that he could be, the man she had helped make him be.
He would find some way to be worthy of her.
But for now, he had to be patient, and he would keep his distance from her. She would set her own pace, take things at her own speed. If they were ever to evolve positively in their new relationship, Georg knew he had to let her come to him, no matter how long it might take.
