Ladies and Gents, Gelfs and Two headed life forms, it is time once again to introduce your friend and mine.... Mr Ace Rimmer.... or is it!

Prison Cell - Planet Hive

The four of them looked around at the grey dull walls of the prison.

Kryten looked around the small cell and decided to engage chirpy mode. "Oh now this is more like what we are used to." said Kryten attempting to plump up a very lifeless grey cushion.

"Not now Kryters." Said Lister.

The Cat looked distressed. "I can't stay here much longer, what about my mid afternoon shower, I can't miss my scrub and buff." Stated the Cat.

"Well guys I guess we will have to wait and see what Arnolds mother has in store for him." Said Lister adopting her use of his first name.

"Well whatever it is, I won't do it." Said Rimmer.

"You might have to man, she's clearly one piece short of a jigsaw puzzle." Said Lister.

"Well that may be true, but I have standards." Said Rimmer looking aloof

"What, like cheating, snitching and generally trying to get out of everything anybody wants you to do?" said Lister.

Rimmer ignored him.

"OK, look let's get comfy and settle in for the night, maybe tomorrow will be better." Said Lister sitting down in a corner and trying to make the hard brick look more comfortable that it really was.


Next morning the Cat is looking out of the small cell window and can see the Election cage being cleaned. "Hey guys I think there getting ready for another Election thingy."

"What?" asked Rimmer.

Lister climbed up next to the Cat. "Oh my god, I think he's right. I guess Mummy has gone for plan B."

"What the hell does that mean?" Said Rimmer panicking.

Kryten put his fingers together as if about to preach. "Well best guess, I'd say she plans on using you in the next election and somehow she plans on making sure you win."

Rimmer looks worried. "What!"

Kryten continued with his theory. "Well, assuming she wants it to look good, she will have to let you get roughed up a bit first before allowing you to win."

This did not make Rimmer look any less worried, so Kryten quickly continued. "But rest assured I am 95% certain your mother will keep you alive." Said Kryten smiling.

"Roughed up, no ones going to rough me up, I'm allergic to being roughed up." Said Rimmer nervously.

Lister jumped down from the view. "Look I'm sure it won't come to that, just tell her you will go with her plan and me and the boys here will find some way of getting you out of this mess before you break out in a allergic roughed-up rash." Said Lister.

Kryten looked concerned. "We will sir?" he asked.

"Yeah we will." Pressed Lister winking at Kryten.

"I don't like it, how about I just hide." Said Rimmer looking for some hidden place that he could hide from mother."

"Come on man, this is the only way." Pressed Lister.

"OK, I'll do it, but Listy you had better come good." Said Rimmer.

The door opened and Rimmers Mother walked in. "Arnold, I am afraid things have changed, the people want a fair vote and so I have entered you into the Election."

Rimmer gulped. "Mother, I will do whatever you ask, just don't send me into that thing." Rimmer paused thinking of an excuse. "Look I can't for one I haven't written up my manifesto yet." He pleaded.

"I am sorry Arnold there is nothing I can do, but rest assured you will be victorious." She said smiling.

He saw the twinkle in her eye, like the time she knew his father was cheating on her and she was thinking of the revenge she had planned for him when he got home. "How can you be so sure?" he asked.

"Let's just say I have something special that will help get you through this, now follow me." She commanded and turned to leave.

"I won't." said Rimmer not fully realising what he had just said.

"My dear boy, you have no choice, you come with me or your friends here will rot in this cell." She said still smiling.

Rimmer looked from her to them. Lister smiled at him. "It's OK man, this place aint so bad." Said Lister

Rimmer acknowledged Listers effort with a nod then he slowly walked towards the exit.

"Rimmer man, you don't have to do this man, there must be another way." Said Lister.

"Indeed sir, this is fool hardy, you can not hope to win out there." Said Kryten.

"Yeah I agree with both these fellas, but if you want to sacrifice your arse for mine, go right ahead." Said the Cat.

Rimmer stopped and looked over his shoulder. "It's OK guys, mother will take care of me." He said continuing out of the door.


Rimmer sat strapped to a chair in a darkened room. A light shone down into his face making the rest of the room nothing but darkness. He heard foot steps, female, he guessed his mothers. "Mother?" he called out.

"Yes Arnold I am here, and now it's time." She said.

He gripped the edge of the chair tightly; unsure of what exactly his mother had planned he jus hoped she was not crazy enough to endanger his hologram software.

"What are you going to do?" he asked nervously.

"A little software upload, nothing to worry about." She said.

Software, he didn't like the sound of that much. "Wait!" he called out urgently.

"What is it now?" her voice taking on the dangerous note of anger.

"Tell Lister he can have my telegraph pole collection of 3D pop up poles." Said Rimmer.

"I'm starting the upload now Arnold, this won't hurt much." She said.

A pain shot into the back of his hologramatic skull, making it feel like his head was about to explode, he gritted his teeth for as long as he could, not wanting his mother to see his weak side, but finally it was too much and he screamed.

"There, there my son, it will be over soon." His mother cooed.

Darkness gripped Rimmers mind and he passed out.


"Arnold, Aronld." Called a distant voice. As he slowly began to wake, old memories sparked into life. He found himself hanging upside down again in his garden on Io. On a bench nearby sat his mother she was reading something.

"Arnold Rimmer, do you know what this is?" she said pointing to the white slip of paper.

"No mother." Replied the young voice of Rimmer junior.

"It's a letter from your head master; this letter could hold the key to your future." She said opening it.

"Oh." Said the young Rimmer.

The clouds of darkness began to lift and he heard his mothers voice more clearly now. "Arnold, Arnold, wake up." She said.

In groggy state he called out. "Yes mother, I'm coming just let me escape from this straight jacket Frank has put me in mother."

A sharp pain struck the side of his face and he forced his eyes open. There she was, his mother. Only he was not in a straight jacket but still strapped to the table.

"How do you feel?" she asked.

Rimmer thought about it, he felt not too bad actually, in fact he felt pretty smegging good. He turned his head to face her and noticed the golden lock of hair flop over his brow. 'Oh no, what had she done.' He thought.

"Well, actually I feel pretty dam fantastic, apart from the sudden craving for smoked kippers." He said in a voice far too deep for his own, he knew that voice, but how was that possible.

"Mother what have you done?" he continued in the same deep and confident tone.

"A trader found a light bee in a market off world; the seller said it was a Human Hologram of great prowess and strength, a hero if you like. I brought it from him and have been unsuccessful in re-activating it, but you Arnold have brought him back to life. I spliced some of him into you." She said in a matter of factually way.

"But you've turned me into him, why him?" said Rimmer.

"You know this man?" she asked sounding puzzled.

"Yes, it's smegging Ace Rimmer, space adventurer and all round Mr smug git." Replied Rimmer.

"I don't know that family name, another Rimmer, how interesting, but how?" she asked quizzing him.

"He's me only me from another dimension, look it's a long story sweet lips." Rimmer stopped catching himself at his last few words. Had he just called his mother sweet lips? Oh my, she had spliced his persona into him as well.

"My my, he sounds like a very different you." She said moving to release the straps but finding that he had already managed to unbuckle himself. 'Impressive' she thought.

Rimmer sat up and swung his legs over the bed. "I need a mirror?" he said.

She pointed to the wall on the far side of the room. Rimmer moved in front of it and stared. Looking back at him was the image of Ace Rimmer, somehow the program must have changed his appearance, and that included the silly floppy hair. Then Rimmer froze as he heard a voice in his own head, that was not his own.

'Come on Arn, it's up to us now, our Mother needs us old friend.' Said the Ace Rimmer now in his head.

Rimmer shook his head, this wasn't happening, trapped on a world with his mother and now Ace Rimmer in his head, how bad was this day going to get.

"Arnold, the election is tomorrow. I had to make it so soon as I am not sure how long the graft from this other hologram will hold in place." Said Rimmers Mother.

"You mean it's not permanent?" asked Rimmer sounding hopeful.

"No, your own Hologram program will begin to reject it and eventually erase it altogether." Replied his mother.

Rimmer sighed with relief; at least this was some good news.

"Of course, there is a risk that your hologram matrix will corrupt and both you and Ace will burn out." She continued.

"What does that mean?" he asked somewhat panicked.

'It means we die.' Said the Ace in his head.

"Shut up!" shouted Rimmer out loud.

His mother glared at him making him feel he had to say something. "Not you mother, it's him he's in my head." Said Rimmer apologetically.

She gave him one of her special I hate you Arnold looks. "Well at least it looks to have worked, but we shall see." She said turning away. As she walked to the door Rimmer made a request.

"Mother, can I see my ship mates?"

She stopped, pausing while in thought then threw up her hand. "As you like Arnold, as you like." With that she walked out and left him alone.


Lister bounced the ball against the cell wall. "He's been gone ages. Do you think he's ok?"

The Cat who was trying to sleep in the corner without touching the floor opened one eye. "Man who cares, I just hope they bring us some food soon, even that pillow is looking tasty right now."

Kryten who was looking through the small grill suddenly grinned. Lister noticed it.

"Hey what's up with you Mr happy?" asked Lister.

"It is Mr Rimmer sir, or rather a version of him." He said sounding excited.

"What?" said Lister getting to his feet and looking through the grill.

"Smeg, is that who I think it is?" he said.

Rimmer strode towards the prison with all the confidence of a flight commander, moments later he was at the cell door.

"Aright Chaps, this is a bit of a pickle isn't it?" he said in his Ace tones.

"Ace!" cried the Cat.

"Yeah, is that you Ace?" asked Lister

"Sorry to disappoint you chaps but it's still old iron balls here, just with that.." Rimmers struggled to control his voice and his old nasal tone kicked back in. "Ace Smegging Rimmer hologram program grafted onto mine." Finished Rimmer.

"Sir, what has she done to you? Why it's like taking a Mini Metro, spraying it black and painting strips on the side. No matter how you dress it up it still sucks under the bonnet." Said Kryten.

"Errr thanks for that splendid example Kryten, but I do seem to have more than the look of Ace Rimmer thank you very much." Said Rimmer back in Aces voice.

"Well do you think you could get us out of here, and start the bug err Ace?" asked Lister.

"Afraid I can't do that, Mother still has the start up code locked out. She wants me to stand in the election tomorrow and by the looks of it there is no other choice." Said Rimmer still back in Aces tone.

"But sir that is suicide you saw how this place works, it's full of sneaky, twisted and backstabbing cheats." Kryten paused then continued. "Oh wait, you should fit in rather well sir." He finished.

"Are you really going to do it man?" asked Lister.

"Got to, still have a basic drive to impress mother, and this might be a chance to do that. Mind if I join you Chaps" Said Rimmer.

"It's locked?" said Lister.

Rimmer picked up a nearby bit of wire, twiddled it in the lock and stood back as it swung open. He then walked inside and closed it shut which resulted in a clunk as the lock fell back into place.

"Hey what you do that for?" asked the Cat.

"Sorry Cat, it's safer in here than out there." Said Rimmer.

Kryten nodded. "He's right sir, we should wait it out here."


Morning came, none of them accept the Cat slept very well. Rimmer paced the cell back and fourth, until a large Gelf guard came over and banged on the cell. He pointed at Rimmer and grunted.

"Well chaps this looks like me." Said Rimmer facing the others.

"Good luck sir." Said Kryten almost in teary eye mode.

"Bye Lister, err smoke me a kipper, or whatever." Said Rimmer realising how stupid that sounding from him.

Rimmer made to go, but Lister moved into his path. "Listen, you take care man." He said slapping Rimmer on both shoulders.

Rimmer flicked his hair over Ace style and said. "Will do Davy boy, will do."

The three of them watched as Rimmer strolled out of the cell and was greeted by his mother.

"Do you think he's going to be OK sir?" asked Kryten.

"Let's just hope that the Ace part of him now can help, becuase he's going to need it." Said Lister sitting back down in the corner.

I know the dream scene with little Rimmer might not be word for word as the original script but it is a memory and sometimes things are not as you remember them exactly.

All reviews welcome.

NEXT TIME: Rimmer must face the other candiate in the Cage....

Snap shot :

Rimmer lay on the floor, blood flowing from his nose. His mother glared on from the top viewing platform, he could see her disappointment in her eyes. The voice in his head spoke again. 'Listen, you have to let me take over, he's going to kill you, this is what I do.' The Ace inside Rimmer screamed at him.

Rimmer watched as the beast of a Gelf truddged around the ring lapping up the applause. There was no way he alone could hope to beat him, he uttered two words, two words that would change everything. "Help me!"