A Time of Nightmares
Maria got off the bus with her coat buttoned up tightly, her scarf wrapped around her neck, and her hands in her pockets. It was getting colder each day as November dragged on, but Maria didn't mind it too much. She'd lived her whole life near snow-capped mountains, and was no stranger to cold Austrian winters.
Glad she had gotten off at the right stop, Maria walked hurriedly towards the Church of St. Joseph. A few days ago, Maria had called Father Norbert here to ask if he would meet with her sometime soon, and they'd scheduled a meeting for the twenty-first, a week before Georg's thirty-ninth birthday.
Quickly, Maria opened one of the huge doors and slipped inside, closing it tight behind her. As she warmed her hands with her breath, she walked down the aisle in the lovely church. Since she and Georg had been married, the family would come to Sunday morning service here, but this would be the first time Maria would be meeting Father Norbert one-on-one.
When she reached the end of the aisle, Father Norbert, dressed in his white cassock, came out from a side door behind the altar and smiled at the sight of her, immediately coming to meet her.
"Hello, my dear," he said, in his deep, wise voice before taking her hands warmly in his.
"Hello, Father, thank you for seeing me," said Maria, smiling.
Taking her arm in his, they slowly walked back down the aisle. "So, what is it you wanted to see me about?"
"Well, as you know, Georg's birthday is next week."
"Ah, yes," said Father Norbert, smiling and nodding. "I'm sure he does not want a big fuss."
"Oh, no," said Maria, chuckling. "He only wants to spend it with his family, though Max is coming down to take him out for lunch. The children are pooling together their pocket money and getting Georg this beautiful bottle with a fleet of sailboats inside. But I'm a little lost as to what I personally can give to him."
"Why don't you ask him what he wants?"
Maria made a face and shook her head. "I want whatever I give him to be a surprise, and it has to be special. I don't want to just buy something, and he would expect me to make him some item of clothing because that's what I'm good at. I wanted your advice and opinion, since you've known him longest and the most well."
Father Norbert gave her a soft, grateful smile. They paused and he thought for a moment, of what Georg would like. Finally he turned to face Maria with his hands folded, looking pensive. "He won't like me telling you this, but this might give you a good idea. Did you know Georg played piano?"
Maria nodded. "Liesl and Frederich told me he used to play often when Agathe was alive. But I've never heard him play since meeting him, or go near the grand piano in one of the drawing rooms."
Father Norbert nodded. "I'm not surprised. You see, the night after Agathe died, Georg drank himself into an angry stupor, and in between the smashing of various object, he tore up and burned all of his piano sheet music in his study."
Maria's eyes widened at this, and let out a sharp breath. "Oh, goodness…"
"I'm sure one of the reasons Georg has not yet braved the instrument is because he's afraid he won't remember all he once did. Growing up, the only thing that could rival his love for the sea was his love for the piano, and he practiced to the point where he was very good. Even played for a service here a few times, when I could persuade him. He's always been very shy about playing for other people, but I doubt he's not missing his music, and wishing he hadn't destroyed all of it."
A few minutes later, Maria was walking through the graveyard in pensive thought. Father Norbert's advice had been extremely helpful, and now she felt sure she could give Georg a really good gift. She would have to write or call Dominik with some advice about what sheet music she could get, and also ask Max if he recalled Georg's favorite music to play.
Maria came to Agathe's grave and laid some flowers she had picked before it. Sometimes after a mass, the children would want to visit the stone grave in order to lay flowers. So as Maria lay down the new ones, she took away the withered ones.
Her mind still strategizing, Maria found herself walking among the outskirts of the cemetery, the cheaper graves. With a sadness, Maria realized that she would be among this section had she not come to the convent; it was a bleak sight.
Suddenly, the name on one of the filthiest and barest graves made her stop dead in her tracks. The engraving read "Bernhard Kutschera." From the date of death, it seemed he had passed a year and a half ago.
Maria immediately felt that she was going to be sick with the shock she experienced. After trying to destroy him from her memory for so long, there was his name right in front of her, written in stone. It frightened her so much that she immediately fled the gravesite and ran back into the church. She managed to catch her breath before coming up to Father Norbert again. But even then, he could see the shock and fear in her eyes. "My dear, what is it?"
"Um, I was just wondering," said Maria, still panting a bit from running. "I saw a grave outside with the name Bernhard Kutschera, and that he's been dead for a year and a half. Do you recall him at all?"
Father Norbert searched his memory for a moment before saying, "Ah, I remember now. One of the members of my congregation has a good position in the bank. This man, Kutschera, was apparently extremely behind in his loan payments. So our congregation member went to his cottage, which was some good distance away, to speak to him. He found the cottage and farm completely run down and in a state of ruin, and when he looked inside he found the man's dead body surrounded by empty bottles. The doctor said he'd drank himself to death, and he'd been dead for about a week when our congregation member found him."
Maria heard all of this in silence, and stayed silent for a few moments after. Truth be told, nothing he told her surprised her; she knew that eventually this would probably happen. Finally, the relief she was entitled to feel began to flood through her.
"Did you know him, Maria?" inquired Father Norbert, watching her face.
"Yes, briefly," she said, not wanting to go into the whole situation. She pushed it from her mind. "Well, thank you so much, Father Norbert. What you said has been invaluable to me."
"My pleasure, my dear, " said Father Norbert, taking her hands and getting her full attention. "It warms my heart to know that you and Georg are getting closer. He's been lonely for so long and, though he's made awful mistakes, he is paying for them, sometimes I think too much. Does your closer relationship mean you are trying to forgive him?"
Maria smiled a little, glad they were talking about something else. "During our time in Vienna recently, I did discover how much I have forgiven him, but I don't know how to tell him."
Father Norbert smiled, and pinched her cheek affectionately, like a father. "Well, if you can find a way to tell him, I think that would be the best birthday present you could ever give him."
Something was haunting Maria. Of that much Georg was sure.
On the outside, it would seem like nothing was bothering her. Even the children suspected nothing was amiss. She was her same, usual, cheerful self with them at all times. Only Georg could see how, in the moments when attention was not on her, she would sometimes look in the corner of the room, her eyes getting a distant, sad, haunted look. He wanted to know what was bothering her, but, as a logical and rational man, Georg knew he would need more to go on than distant looks and a bad feeling. If he confronted her about it, she would just deny it, and he knew how stubborn she could be.
This was his thought as he lay in bed, waiting for sleep, the day Maria had gone off on a mysterious errand and come back with an unreadable expression on her face. That night her nightmares began.
He didn't know they were nightmares at first; the first night he just thought she couldn't sleep. He would wake up in the middle of the night to find Maria at the window deep in thought, hugging herself. Not wanting to disturb her, he merely pretended to sleep and would not stop pretending until she was back in bed.
It wasn't until the third night that he realized it was nightmares. He woke up out of the blue, to find Maria tossing her head and mumbling incoherently, her face distressed in the light of the moon. Not wanting to wake her, Georg stroked her forehead and cheek, murmuring words of comfort until she was sleeping soundly again.
This he did until the sixth night, the night before his birthday. He woke up to the feeling of the bed shaking a bit, and the sound of distressed cries. Turning on his side, he saw Maria tossing, in a sweat, almost crying out words like "No!" and "Please!" But before he could reach out to wake her up, she already did. She sat straight up like a bolt, gasping for air as if she had almost drowned. Suddenly, she began to shake, and she covered her mouth as she shot out of bed towards the bathroom, throwing open the door.
"Maria!" exclaimed Georg, almost scared at her behavior, as he got hurriedly out of bed and rushed to the bathroom. He flipped on the light to find Maria hunched over the toilet, trying to throw up. He rushed to her, getting down on his knees beside her, rubbing her back with one hand and rubbing her arm with the other. Soon Maria stopped trying and her shaking resumed, along with some beginning sobs.
"Maria, please," he said, cupping her chin to turn her head towards him. "Something is haunting you, let me help you."
The young woman looked at him for a moment, fear and tears in her eyes; she wanted to turn away but Georg's hand was still cupping her chin. So she shook her head like a frightened animal. "You'll be disgusted, you'll never look at me again…"
"Listen to me," said Georg, speaking firmly and softly, gripping her chin just a bit tighter. "I will not be disgusted with you, and you will not frighten me away. Whatever you tell me, no matter what it is that is giving you these nightmares, I will still be here, ready to do anything you want me to do."
Maria listened to this, and gave him a long, searching gaze, making sure he really meant it. Finally, she lowered her gaze and took the hand cupping her chin. "Will you do something for me now?"
"Anything."
She gave a shaky sigh. "Remember what I did for you every day when you were confined to bed?"
Georg smiled. "Yes, I do."
"Will you do the same for me now?" she asked timidly.
The request surprised Georg, and pleased him as well. "If you really want me to, of course."
Maria nodded, and stood up. Georg did, too, helping her, for she was still shaking a bit. "Wait in here for a few minutes and then come out," she said softly before going back into the bedroom, closing the bathroom door behind her.
Five minutes later, Georg heard Maria softly call for him from the bedroom. So he opened the door and the sight he saw made his breath catch.
Maria was lying on her stomach on the bed. She was fully clothed in a full skirt reaching down to her ankles, but from the waist up she was completely bare. Her arms, bent at her sides, prevented any view of her front, but her back was exposed completely. Her head was turned away from him.
Though Georg knew this was what he would find, his body still reacted, but he kept it under control. His mind and heart knew better, so he walked to the bed and gently sat down beside her. It wasn't until he got comfortable did he get a closer look at her back.
And he couldn't stop the gasp before it came out; he just couldn't help it.
Across her lower back were scars, marks of what looked like a riding crop, a belt, even a whip. Most were faded to the point where they were just long white lines that could only be seen in bright light, but some were distinct, remnants of severe lashings.
Now Georg was the one who wanted to be sick. So the Reverend Mother had been right: he hadn't been the first one to assault her, her childhood had been wicked and miserable. He felt sick with rage: Who on Earth would do something to an innocent girl?
Then he noticed that Maria is shaking again, and realized how she must feel showing him this and waiting for his reaction. But he could think of no words to express his emotions; he had to show her he was not disgusted, as she feared he was.
So, hoping she would not be scared or uncomfortable, Georg slowly lowered his head, and placed a lingering kiss on the most vivid scar. Hearing her sigh in relief and her slight shiver, he knew he'd done the right thing to put her at ease: her body seemed to relax completely.
Gently, he placed his hands at her shoulders, and his heart purred. Oh, she's so soft, smooth and warm, just like I've dreamed… When he began the massage, she began her story.
"My first five years of life I can only remember as blissful and happy, with my mother and father. My father was a carpenter who loved literature, my mother was a seamstress who loved music. They loved me, and I loved them. But when I was Gretl's age, I lost both of my parents in a flu epidemic. I was forced to move in with my only living relative…Bernhard Kutschera, my mother's older brother."
She paused for a moment, choosing to gain confidence from Georg's strong hands as they moved down her back, kneading her tense muscles.
"I'd never met him before, he lived in a small cottage on the outskirts of town. I didn't even know I had an uncle until my parents died…I wasn't prepared for any of it…"
A tear slid down her face, and for the next minutes spoke in a soft, barely-controlled voice about her thirteen years with her uncle: most days were fine, because her uncle usually ignored her completely, allowing her to do what she wants, keep her own hours. But, occasionally, her uncle would get so drunk he turned into a raging monster. If Maria was not there he would either smash things or bring a prostitute home to roughly impale. But if she were there, her uncle would abuse her physically, sometimes with a weapon and sometimes with just his hands. When he was done, she would run to the barn, where she would cry, clean herself up, take comfort in the animals and sleep.
Georg's jaw was tight but he kept his hands gentle as he continued to massage her, finding the necessary remedy to his rage in her perfect skin, scars and all.
"Finally, I had graduated secondary school. Since I was already eighteen, I planned to go right to the convent the next day, at dawn, while he was asleep. But, that night, as I was packing my things, he broke down my door and threw me down on the bed. He had his belt in his hand and he pinned me down from behind…I thought I knew what he was going to do when he pulled up my skirt – you know, beat me again – but something inside me said No, you're not taking this anymore. So I managed to push him off me and get off the bed. He tried to whip me with the belt but I managed to fend him off until the drink finally caught up with him and he passed out there on the floor. As quickly as I could I finished packing, took my things and left. I never went back, and I never looked back…until a week ago.
"I found out he had died a year and a half ago. I won't deny that I feel relieved that he's really gone, but just seeing his name on that gravestone – a permanent reminder of him – just made it all come flooding back…I'm sorry I hid it from you."
"You have nothing to apologize for," said Georg softly, gently caressing her scars with one hand while his other hand continued to massage. "Your past is your business, and you alone have choice over who to disclose to it."
Maria sighed. "I never told the Reverend Mother any details of my life before the convent, and not even Dominik knows everything…I've never shown my scars to anyone before."
Georg paused, feeling as humbled as he had on their wedding night. "Why me?" he asked quietly.
Maria almost chuckled. "You've already seen me have an emotional breakdown…even this doesn't surpass that…though it comes close…"
Georg began to move his massaging hands upwards again. "What scared to almost to the point of sickness tonight, Maria? I don't want that happening again or for you to make yourself sick."
Maria shivered. "I dreamt of my last night in the cottage…In my dream it was all so vivid, horribly…" She spoke in barely a breath. "And I realized what he would have done besides whip me when he pulled my skirt up…"
She buried her face in her pillow, and Georg lifted a hand to his mouth to control his rage. It was a relief when Maria said soon after, "Finished," indicating her wish for him to go back into the bathroom while she changed again. Georg was more than happy to comply because of the rage coursing through his veins.
Safe in the bathroom, he just paced around the small space quickly, wanting to get all of the rage out of his system before going back into the bedroom. When he saw the light in the bedroom go off, he took it as a signal it was all right for him to go back inside. So he did, and in the moonlight, he saw Maria was lying in bed, under the covers, curled into a fetal position with her back to him.
Any rage he still felt went to the back of his system, and nothing but compassion and love filled him. Again, he had no words to comfort for her, because no words were enough. He wanted to show her his compassion, as he had when he kissed her scar. And since she'd had a good reaction to that, he decided to try again…
So, wordlessly, Georg got into bed and under the covers. Slowly, so as not to scare her, he scooted closer to her and aligned his body to hers so he was lightly spooning her. He reached an arm around her waist and gently took her hand in his.
Maria had not expected him to do this, and she didn't expect the warm, safe and wonderful feeling it was to be held like this. He'd surpassed all she'd expected of him tonight, from his reaction to her almost being sick to him seeing her scars. She'd expected him to be disgusted or at least put-off – and she'd never shown so much skin to a man before – but he hadn't. And oh, the feeling of his hands on her body now…it had been the healing, relaxing balm she'd needed to speak of the horrors of her past she'd tried to suppress for so long.
She held the hand he held tightly, and pressed his fingers to her lips. "Thank you," she breathed.
Georg's heart rejoiced: it was the first time she had, in any way, kissed him. "You're welcome," he replied.
From the living room, both heard the muffled sound of the grandfather clock announcing two in the morning.
"I'm sorry you had to start your birthday like this," she said, already falling into a deep, dreamless, healing sleep.
"On the contrary, I couldn't ask for a better way."
Her last act before surrendering to sleep was to tug him closer, so he held her closer. They didn't leave each other's arms all night.
Georg's birthday was the happiest one he'd had in a long time. The children's gift to him brought a tear to his eye, and he even managed to not get annoyed once with Max.
But his favorite part came when the sun went down and the children had been put to bed. Maria had gently taken his hand and led him back downstairs into, to Georg's surprise, the drawing room that held the grand piano. Instantly, he felt a little nervous. He hadn't played in a very long time, and what did she expect from him? Certainly he couldn't play as well as he once could…
She led him to the instrument, and his eyes widened when he saw a pile of sheet music resting on the instrument. "Maria…" he said in awe. He began rifling through the volumes, recognizing the names he loved: Chopin, Mozart, Mendelssohn, Debussy, Beethoven, and more. "This is…I…" He looked at her. "How did you know I had none?"
Maria bit her lip. "Father Norbert told me. He said you loved the piano very much."
"Yes, but…I'm afraid I may have lost my ability to –"
"No, you haven't," said Maria, taking out one of Chopin's more simple nocturnes and opening it on the stand. "It's still inside you, just sleeping. It's time for it to wake up, along with everything else." With that, she made Georg sit on the bench and she sat beside him.
Now Georg really felt nervous, but her warm, encouraging smile let him know he could refuse her nothing. So he started by warming up again, with some scales and arpeggios, oiling his fingers and his musical stimuli. Finally, he started the nocturne: halting at first, but he soon fell into his familiar groove. When Maria noticed he did not need to turn the pages, her smile widened in happiness. So did his. Georg now had all of his music back.
When Maria and Georg came back into their rooms for bed, Georg turned to her and touched her cheek gently. "Thank you. So much, Maria."
Maria gave a small, nervous but compassionate smile, and said, "I have one more gift for you, something I need to tell you, a recent discovery of mine."
Georg cocked his head curiously. "What's that?"
Maria bit her lip for a moment, then went on her tiptoes, and kissed his cheek. Pressing that cheek with hers, Maria embraced him and whispered in his ear, "You have my forgiveness, for everything."
For a moment, Georg just stood frozen, but then he embraced her back almost fiercely, as he pressed his face in her neck and let out a few tears and sobs. Maria held him just as tightly.
When both were in bed, both didn't know what to do for a moment. Until last night, both had stuck to their sides of the bed in sleep, never touching. Was last night just a one-time deal, considering the circumstances?
But when both made eye contact with each other in the moonlight, the answer was clear. Maria turned, and Georg spooned her from behind. Both smiled and held each other, drifting to sleep. Maria did not have another nightmare.
