Telling The Truth
It was after Alfred dragged Feliks off that Toris entered the main hall, finding himself sidling to sit next to Ivan until the time passed and more people filled in. He had seen Natalia, but for some reason looking at her did not send the same messages in his head as she had previously.
Toris wondered whether he was over her or whether his current situation deadened his reaction because he was afraid of being guilty or something. It was rather stupid.
Then again, maybe it was because his mind was trying to be occupied by the fact his publisher had read and signed on his book within a day. That always happened. Toris had no idea why it still bothered him as much that anything he wrote was picked up that quickly. Sure, it was gratifying and he knew this manuscript was his best work so far, but...
He was probably being paranoid. Again.
"Oh, Toris... you look concerned," Ivan frowned, a gloved hand tilting his head up so that Toris had to look up at him. The back of his mind was laughing at the hilarious spectacle Ivan was by still wearing that scarf while in formal dress, but he thankfully kept that in the back and then put a blanket over it so as to hopefully forget he had ever thought about it.
"Can I... can I confide in you?" Toris asked, looking up toward the front, where people he had really only just met would soon be standing.
"Of course!" Ivan responded immediately. Toris believed him, thought whether that was a good thing or not he did not know. Not that it mattered to think about that now.
"I made a big mistake," Toris sighed, staring down at his hands, clenched on his lap. "Feliks came up to me the other day, convinced that I was in love with him." Ivan was shifting now. Toris knew why this might be uncomfortable for his ex-boyfriend to hear, but he needed to tell someone. "He immediately reciprocated it all before I could ask what gave him that impression. Actually, I think I confirmed it because I didn't know what he was really talking about!"
"So..." Ivan began, slowly. "You do... not feel zat vay for Feliks?"
"It had never crossed my mind," Toris nodded, looking back over at the awkward Russian. "But I did not correct him, because he was having a bad day. And... one thing after another I have not fixed this. It's really too late for me to say that it was a mistake, isn't it?"
Ivan did not respond immediately. Toris wondered whether he should have given him more of a warning about the context of the situation before actually informing him of it. But to get advice about this... he obviously could not ask Feliks. Toris did not feel as if he knew either Matthew or Alfred that well to ask about that and Eduard did not strike him as the type of person who would really want to discuss such things. Out of the two people he knew best in Hearth, Ivan was his only shot.
"Sorry, should I have kept that to myself?"
"No, no!" Ivan shook his head, reaching out to pat Toris on the shoulder, leaving his hand there after a moment of hesitation, as if he was not sure whether that was alright. "Zat is not... I vonder. Are you happy?"
"Happy?" Toris asked, staring at him. "It is a–"
"Happy," Ivan restated. "Are you? Is this bad?"
That was a strange question, a very strange question. Still, comfortable in taking that path, Toris thought about it. Now? Now he was not unhappy, but things certainly could be better. This entire issue was a mess and he was not certain how to solve it.
He was not unhappy. Other than awkwardness with Feliks, he was not unhappy. He was awkward because of this misunderstanding. This misunderstanding caused Feliks to basically say he was in love with him.
Wait. Was this entire thing Feliks trying to admit his own feelings? Pretending to hear about Toris' feelings so as to make himself a big opening for a confession? He had always thought Feliks' confessed loudly (from all of the relationships he had seen or heard about from the Pole), but he supposed it was not too far from something Feliks would possibly do.
Was he unhappy with Feliks? No. What did he have to loose here? Feliks' friendship? Not likely, Feliks' breakups were either mutual or explosive and nothing between he and Feliks was self-combustible.
"No. No it's not bad."
Ivan smiled at him, giving his shoulder a gentle squeeze before removing his grip. "Zere. See?"
"I'll still have to tell him what happened," Toris said doubtfully. It would not be fair toward Feliks otherwise. Feliks deserved better then that. "But... no, it's not that bad."
While Toris might have thought that Feliks was not his type, Toris realized he did not have a good type right now. Just as long as he did not hurt Feliks, would this be bad?
It would be worth a shot, if Feliks really wanted this. It would be worth it.
Notes:
Paranoia appears to run in the family. But unlike the insanity of Katyusha, Natalia, and Ivan, I cannot begin to judge between the paranoia of Toris, Eduard, and Raivis.
Alfred dragging Feliks off happens after the events in the next chapter. I just felt like this one should be put here. It makes more story sense, to me (ooh, suspense!). If any of this makes any sense at all. Of which I suppose I should remind people of right now not to have missed Chapter 131. I put that one and this one up today. The last time I did a double update people missed it. I suppose I can only do so much advertising of it before just giving up on people catching it.
