Chapter Thirty-seven
"Spock? Spock, are you okay?"
Spock looked at Kirk with an expression that told the Captain that his First Officer was far from okay. Closing his eyes Spock reached up and pinched the bridge of his nose hard enough to blanch his skin. Kirk stepped up to Spock to put his hand on his shoulder in a sign of support. Spock pulled away from his friend's touch and began to pace. When the pacing didn't help alleviate his agitation Spock stopped and stared vacantly at McCoy's desk.
"Spock..."
"How am I to tell Admiral Pike that I murdered his son?" Spock asked mournfully.
"Murdered? Spock by the time we figured out what was happening it was already too late. You said so yourself. There was nothing you could have done."
"I could have insisted that Salen receive a Vulcan education. I could have taken the time to impress upon him how important it was for him to understand who and what he really is."
"Spock," Kirk said gently "you're not responsible for Salen's death."
"Salen never showed any interest in anything Vulcan, if anything it seemed to repulse him." Spock continued as a tear slipped down his cheek. "I foolishly allowed myself to believe that Admiral Pike could raise Salen to be human."
"Spock..."
"I failed them both."
Kirk sighed heavily as he searched for the words to help his guilt ridden friend. Spock closed his eyes and with his head bowed he became completely motionless. Kirk got the feeling that Spock would remain a statue in McCoy's office until starvation took him if something wasn't done.
"I never thought I would say this but, we need to think about this logically." Kirk announced. "What's done is done, and assigning blame can't change any of that. I know how much admiration you have for Admiral Pike, and I know Pike gave that kid a second chance on life that no one else could have offered him. However, it was Salen who made the decision to ignore his Vulcan heritage, and then turn around and play with fire."
"Your argument is not logical. You stated that assigning blame was not the answer and yet now you are blaming Salen for his own death."
"I suppose I am." Kirk admitted.
The pair fell back into silence once more. Kirk rubbed at his templed to try and help ease his mounting headache. Experimenting with pacing himself Kirk found that the pointless motion didn't help his emotional state anymore than it had helped Spock's.
"I wish he'd accepted my offer." Kirk sighed.
"Offer?"
"Well, maybe not an 'offer' per se. I told the Academy that I wanted Salen assigned to the Enterprise. They told me that Salen had already informed them that the Enterprise was the one Starship that he did not desire assignment to."
"Did they say why?"
"No. They just told me that he had put in a request to not be assigned here. Actually he made the request the day he entered Starfleet."
"Then the reason is clear."
"It is?"
"It is because of me that Salen desired to be placed on another ship."
"I don't understand, he admires you, I know that he does."
"He admires me as a successful Starfleet Officer, he wishes...or rather wished, to avoid me because I am Vulcan. I have always suspected that he does not feel comfortable around other Vulcans, this simply confirms my suspicions."
"Poor kid. Too Vulcan to be human, too human to be Vulcan. You two have a lot in common."
"Yes. We did."
The sorrow in Spock's tone was heartbreaking. Kirk raked his hands through his hair and shook his head sadly. Spock continued to stare at McCoy's desk. Kirk suddenly noticed that it was the sub-space communicator that was holding Spock's gaze. His blood flashed to ice when he realized that Spock was probably trying to work up the courage to call Admiral Pike and inform him that his son was never coming home.
"Spock, you know that we can't call the Admiral...right?"
"I fear that I must."
"If Salen was in black ops they will contact Pike..."
"And lie to him." Spock interrupted.
"Yes. I'm sure they'll tell him that there was an accident of some sort aboard the Excelsior, but perhaps that is for the best."
"The best?"
"I think it will help Pike with the grief if he believes that nothing could be done to prevent this."
"I can not lie to Admiral Pike, he deserves to know the truth."
"I'm not arguing that he deserves to know the truth, but I think it will destroy him. Accidents happen, and Pike will not be able to blame himself. If you tell him that Salen died because he was never taught how to be Vulcan Pike will take that personally and he will never forgive himself."
"Captain..."
"Spock, not telling Pike the truth about Salen is an act of mercy. Please, I am begging you, don't tell the Admiral."
"What about Joanna McCoy?"
"What about her? I thought you said she was going to be fine."
"She will never believe Starfleet's lie, she knows that he was not aboard the Excelsior." Spock pointed out. "Someone must tell her that her wedding will never happen."
"Wedding?"
"During their last meeting Joanna McCoy and Salen became engaged to be married."
Kirk's heart stumbled in its rhythm as the full weight of the situation crushed down on him. He was trying to figure out the best next move when suddenly Spock looked at the door with concern.
"What's wrong Spock?"
"Joanna is awake, she is asking for answers that her father does not have. And he is asking her questions she is unwilling to answer."
"Alright, let's go." Kirk sighed. "I was almost hoping that she would sleep for a few more days."
"Are we going to tell her the fate of her mate?"
"Not if we can help it."
"She will need to be told the truth."
"Now doesn't seem like the right time."
Spock nodded and followed the Captain back to the ICU. Joanna was awake, but she was still weak. She struggled to sit up, but her father gently kept her down. Too tired to fight she peacefully laid back. McCoy brushed her hair out of her face and tucked it behind her ear.
"There has been a mistake," Joanna whimpered "he didn't attack me, I swear, he would never hurt me..."
"I don't know who 'he' is." McCoy replied.
"You asked me if a Vulcan attacked me...who else would 'he' be." Joanna growled. "And for the record I don't appreciate you calling him 'Vulcan' when you damn well mean 'Salen'."
"Salen?"
"Bones," Kirk broke into the discussion quietly "we need to talk."
"Captain," Joanna called out as she tried to sit up again "please, it's not what you think."
"What is going on here?" McCoy demanded as he guided her back down again.
"I know Spock was in my mind."
"I was." Spock admitted. "I am sorry to invade your privacy, however it was the only option."
"Please, don't expose Salen," Joanna begged "Starfleet will discharge him if they find out he came to visit me."
"Whoa, whoa, wait a minute, someone needs to stop and explain to me exactly what everyone is talking about." McCoy grumbled. "Salen was aboard the Intrepid?"
"He was on a mission." Spock informed.
"So he did this?" Bones snarled.
"He's not doing anything wrong." Joanna insisted.
"He almost killed you!" McCoy roared.
"No! I told you, it wasn't an attack, he would never hurt me!"
"Intentionally." Spock added.
"What?" Joanna asked with fear tainting her voice.
"Joanna," Spock said solemnly "Salen gave you a condition known as Pa'nar Syndrome. You nearly died from it."
"I...I've never heard of it."
"It is contracted and spread through improper mind melding. I am sure that he was unaware of the syndrome himself."
"Pa'nar..." Joanna repeated in horror "wait, does that mean that Salen is ill as well?"
Spock looked to Kirk for guidance. Sighing heavily Kirk just nodded to give Spock permission to tell her the truth. The brief silence terrified Joanna giving her the strength to sit up. Her eyes had already brightened with tears and her chest was heaving as she struggled for breath.
"Joanna," Spock said softly "you were hours from death when you were brought aboard. Salen's condition would have been more severe and would have progressed at a greater speed."
"What are you saying?"
"He could not have survived this long without treatment."
"They must have found treatment for him..."
"The only cure for Pa'nar Syndrome is a healing mind meld from another Vulcan. The men he is with would have no idea what was killing him, even if they figured it out they could not get him to Natala in time."
"No..." Joanna whimpered "he was fine when he left."
"He would instinctively hide his symptoms. I am sorry, Joanna McCoy, Salen is dead."
Joanna shook her head vehemently as tears streaked her face. McCoy reached out to sooth his daughter but she jerked away from his touch. She stared at Kirk in desperate hope that he would tell her that Spock was wrong. When he said nothing she buried her face in her hands and shook her head once more in disbelief.
McCoy offered her his support again and this time she accepted. Throwing herself into her father's arms Joanna cried bitterly against his chest. Bones held his daughter close and rocked her gently. Kirk brushed away tears of his own. Spock bowed his head and stared silently at the floor.
Joanna suddenly pulled away from her father. Using the blanket that had been keeping her warm she dried her tears. Taking a deep breath she composed herself and glared spitefully at the men in the room.
"No." Joanna said firmly. "You're wrong. He's not dead, I know he isn't. I can't explain how I know, I just know that Salen is alive."
"Joanna," Bones said softly "you said the same thing with your mother, this kind of denial isn't healthy."
"It's not denial!"
"There is more I must tell you." Spock said. "I know that Salen was involved in black operations..."
"Starfleet operations." Joanna corrected coldly. "He was acting under Starfleet direction."
"I am not contesting that, nor am I questioning his loyalty. However, as a member of black operations they will be informing Admiral Pike that his son was killed in an accident aboard the Excelsior to keep their missions a secret."
"You don't want the Admiral to know the truth, do you?" Joanna guessed.
"We feel it will be best for the Admiral if he does not."
"Has Starfleet contacted Admiral Pike about this so called 'accident'?" Joanna demanded.
"No," Kirk admitted "however, it is only a matter of time."
"Until that time I will continue to believe that Salen is alive...and that he needs our help."
"It is not logical to..." Spock began.
"Please, Spock, don't..." Joanna stopped as she broke down into tears again. "Don't give up on Salen, please."
"I do not wish to give up on him."
"Then don't."
"Joanna," McCoy said "there is nothing we can..."
"Captain, please," Joanna looked to Kirk "help him. If it was Spock or my father would you leave it at assuming they were dead? Or would you fight against the odds?"
"I would fight." Kirk admitted quietly.
"Then help me, please, help me find proof that he is dead or help me save him if he is still alive."
Kirk hesitated to answer knowing that he didn't have the authority to chase after a Starfleet black ops ship. Even if they started on the trail it was likely that they'd be recalled from their pursuit under penalty of court martial. Looking to McCoy and Spock he could tell that they were both thinking the same thing. Tears spilled from Joanna's crystal blue eyes as she silently implored him to help her.
"I will do everything in my power to find him."
