I forgot to mention this last week, but BPS is finally coming to America next month!!! Yippee!!! Anyway, here's episode 7.
Episode #7: You Are What You Ed
Numerous candles are lit by a silhouetted teenage girl, who's wearing a pink nightgown and slippers, which she slips her feet out of. The girl (her head cut off by the screen) proceeds to put on necklaces and bracelets made from chicken bones. Then she puts on feathered armbands, acting as chicken's wings. Then she puts on long colorful tail feathers, then feathered anklets. Finally, she puts on a chicken hat, and we see her buckteeth...
May Kanker bows before a sitting, makeshift Ed made from various odds and ends, surrounded by Ed pictures (spanning the cartoon series, timeskip, and Teen Series) and holding chickens in its outstretched hands. This is May's special Ed shrine, and exotic jungle music plays as she does a ritual dance that involves flapping and swaying her wings, shaking her tail feathers, and balancing eggs on her fingers and toes. She dances towards her makeshift Ed, wraps her arms around it...
"Only you!!..." she tenderly tells her makeshift Ed. Then suddenly...
"MAY, GET OUT HERE!" Marie yells, reaching into May's shrine (which is inside their closet) to pull her out by her ankle and hold her upside down.
"Yeah. Rachel's takin us to school, and ya ain't even ready yet." Lee scolds.
"But Lee, Marie." May whines. "You know I worship Big Ed every mor-"
"Just shuttup and get changed." Lee interrupts as Marie takes her lighter from May (which May used to light the shrine's candles) and throws her back in to change clothes.
Rachel drives the Kankers to PCH, where she parks her car in the students' parking lot. She and the Kankers meet up with Sean, Bill and Dean, and they head towards the main entrance where they see Double-D and Eddy step out of their school bus... WITHOUT ED!!
"Where's Ed?" May asks, saddened by Ed's absence.
"How unfortunate, especially since today's Chewy Chicken Monday." Rachel remarks.
"Don't worry; it's mandatory for a main character to appear sooner or later." Sean replies.
As the Kankers and goths walk down a hallway, they pass by Nazz and Jenna.
"Oh my God! Look Nazz, it's him!..." Jenna blushes at an off-screen guy. Nazz looks...
"Ian Valentine!!! Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhh!!!" Nazz screams like a rabid fangirl as she lays sight on Ian. Ian is a very attractive and physically fit guy with tanned skin, sexy black hair, and a perfect smile. He wears a gray polo shirt, tight blue jeans, black sneakers, a silver necklace, and ear piercings. With his irresistable looks, girls are always swooning over him, and Nazz is no exception!
"Oh, Ian! Ian!" Nazz calls out to Ian.
"Wassup!" Ian waves to Nazz as he continues down the hallway.
"Aaaaahhh, he said wassup to me!" Nazz pursues Ian: "Ian, come here! I wanna talk to you!"
But, much to Nazz's dismay, Ian is occupied with another girl: "Ian, can I like, hang out with you?!"
"Sure!" Ian puts his arm around the girl and walks off with her, leaving Nazz in speechless shock. Jenna comes to tell her "Don't worry, Nazz. I heard Ian has a 'one at a time' policy........... Um, Nazz?............ Yoohoo, Nazz!....."
Jenna waves her hand in Nazz's face to get her attention, but Nazz is unresponsive: ".........Nazz?.... Well, whatever. See ya in Calculus!"
After Jenna goes, Nazz regains herself but is upset that Ian ignored her: "He just ignored me and went off with some other girl." she sulks. "I just want him to notice me. What's wrong with me? What am I missing?"
"I don't know if this will help..." a guy says. "... But I heard Ian likes meaty girls."
"... Meaty girls..." Nazz repeats, checking herself in her locker's mirror: "So that's it, I'm just too skinny!"
Since today is Chewy Chicken Monday, everyone is served copious amounts of chicken meat with gravy dip, and little else. Nazz takes hers and sits with Jenna and their girl group, including Christine and Sheranne from the previous episode. Nazz immediately gorges herself on her chicken while Double-D, Eddy, Kevin, Jonny, Rolf and Paul watch from another table.
"Whoa, I've never seen Nazz eat like that!" Kevin says.
"Looks like Nazz girl finally learned of poultry's true value... yo!" Rolf says, proceeding to feast himself.
"I just hope she doesn't overdo it." Double-D hopes, trimming the fat off his chicken: "Meats such as chicken harbor high quantities of lipids. Coupling that with her rate of metabolism-"
"Oh, please!" Eddy interupts, eating a drumstick and shoving Double-D's trimmed fat into his mouth: "It ain't gonna do nothin. Rolfy boy never got fat, and the same goes for Monobrow!"
Double-D spits up the chicken fat into a paper bag, for which Kevin calls Eddy a "douchetard." Then Paul asks "Where is Armpit, anyway?"
"It is rather strange, since Ed never missed Chewy Chicken Monday until today." Double-D notes. "I'll just take the liberty to bring some to his house as a treat!"
After school, Double-D and Eddy go to Ed's house and ring the doorbell. His Mom opens it.
"Good day, Mrs. Christenen!" Double-D greets. "May we see Ed, for we have a treat for him from school!"
"Is that so?" Ed's mom takes the bag and sees the chicken and gravy-dip inside: "Sorry, he won't be having any chicken for a while."
"Eh, why not?" Eddy asks.
"My boy always ate chicken, gravy, and toast with way too much butter. All that fat and oil would do him no good, especially considering the the fact that it nearly formed his entire diet." Ed's mom explains: "I tried to get him to balance his diet with other foods, but he always threw it out behind my back in favor of his 'usual.' He simply refused to eat anything else, so I had no choice but to teach him the hard way."
"Hard way?" Double-D asks... "You don't mean..."
"I suspended chicken, gravy and butter from his diet to force him into eating other foods." Ed's mom declares. "He hasn't eaten anything yet, but he'll have to eventually when he starves. But hey, if you have anything else, feel free to give it to him!"
Ed sits idly in a corner in his room as Double-D and Eddy enter. "Yo Ed, you missed Chewy Chicken Monday." Eddy informs.
"What's the point?" Ed asks. "Mom said I can't have any more. She took everything from me. She even took all my chicken stashes and drained my tub of gravy. OH, WOE IS ME!"
"Big wup. Just go eat chicken at school or a restaurant or somethin." Eddy suggests. "Who's gonna know?"
"Mom's got tabs on me, Eddy." Ed reveals: "She told the authorities at school, and she has Sarah on my back everywhere else." he looks outside, where he sees Sarah bite the head off a flower as a warning to obey Mom. "I try sneaking some, but so far I got caught every time. You gotta help me, guys, or else I'll have to resort to eating my own bed!"
"Don't worry, Ed. Your mother's just trying to help you improve your eating habits!" Double-D says. "Sure it may be unorthodox, but at least it's justified. I can help you with your diet! Let's start with..." he takes out aparagus from his bag. "Asparagus!"
"YUCK!" the freaked-out Ed instinctively kicks the asparagus, and Double-D himself, through his door and into the opposite wall, with Double-D's upper body stuck in the wall! Eddy laughs hysterically at this.
"This is going to be more difficult than I thought..." Double-D says, muffled by the wall.
The next morning, Ed tries sneaking butter from the refrigerator to use for his morning toast, only to get slapped by his mom. She then gives him jelly for his toast, and he slumps in defeat.
Later, when Ed's going to the bus stop...
"HALT RIGHT THERE!" Sarah calls out, and Ed skids to a stop. He turns to see Sarah, with the giggling Zoe by her side. Sarah snaps her fingers, signaling Zoe to jump onto Ed and start sniffing all over him.
"Oh he's got some, Sarah!" Zoe says as she sniffs Ed, crawling inside his jacket. Ed sweats as Zoe searches inside his jacket, then Zoe throws out numerous gravy containers from inside its lining. Then, following her nose, Zoe goes into Ed's pants (yes, he's disturbed by this) and re-emerges with 3 chickens. She gives a thumbs-up to Sarah.
"Nice try, Ed. You may continue now!" Sarah and Zoe walk to their bus stop with Zoe eating the chicken she took from Ed, even though it hasn't been cooked yet.
Without his buttered toast breakfast, Ed just sits with his face down on his desk through his first 3 classes, completely oblivious to what's going on around him. He and his fellow Eds attend different classes in the morning, and the friends who do take classes with Ed are too busy with their own business to attend to him. As time passes, Ed becomes weaker and weaker. During 4th period, he has swimming class with his best friends.
"LAST ONE IN THE POOL'S A HOMO!" Eddy shouts as he and the other boys (minus Ed) jump into the pool. Double-D, Eddy, Rolf, and Jonny wear the same-colored swimsuits as when they were younger. Kevin now wears green-&-blue, and Paul's are purple. Then the girls dive in. Nazz and Jenna both wear white bikinis with polka-dots; Nazz's has red dots while Jenna's has blue. Nazz has gotten chubbier from eating. Lee wears the same red one-piece. Marie still wears a yellow bikini but it now has purple stripes instead of polka-dots, and she's revealed to have an octopus tattoo on her shoulder and several more piercings on her chest and upper back (all of which are normally hidden under her clothing). May still wears a white bikini, but it covers her upper thighs and she also has a swimcap. Rachel wears a black one-piece that reveals elegant angel wings tattooed onto her back.
The boys (except Double-D) and girls play watersports, but Nazz quickly tires due to her gained weight. Jenna asks "Nazz, why you eatin so much when you know it's gonna trouble you like this?"
As Jenna helps Nazz out of the pool, May and Rachel swim to Double-D at one of the pool's corners.
"Hey, Double-D. A moment of your time, please?" Rachel asks: "We're... concerned for Ed. Because we saw you guys coming off the bus this morning, and he looked like a wreck."
"Please tell me he's ok." May begs. "I don't wanna see him suffer."
"Oh, Ed's just going through a phase of withdrawal." Double-D explains: "His mother suspended chicken, gravy, and butter from his diet in an effort to make him resort to other foods and hence improve his eating habits. There's no need for alarm, for I've prepared a balanced and certainly likeable lunch for him."
Rachel hears Ed coming in. She looks at him, and her eyes bug out: "I suggest you give him lunch now!"
Double-D and May look, and GASP!! Ed, wearing white swim trunks, is now so malnourished from hunger that you can see his bones!! Seeing the boys diving off the diving board, he heads over, dragging his bony face along the floor and his leg bones crackling with each step!!
"Oh my God..." Lee looks on in shock, and Marie gasps upon seeing Ed's condition. As he approaches the diving board...
"What, Plank?" Jonny is alerted of Ed: "WHOA!! GUYS, LOOK!!"
"Is that Ed?..." Kevin asks. "What the happened to him?"
Eddy is rendered speechless by Ed's condition until Ed reaches the diving board, prompting Eddy to scream "ED, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!!"
"STOP THE EMACIATED ED BOY!!" Rolf shouts as he and the boys race out of the water to stop Ed from diving. Paul screams "ARMPIT, NO!!"
"Must... swim... for class participation..." Ed staggers along the diving board, but is so weak that he can't even jump when he attempts to do so, instead tripping on the board and slipping into the water. He FLOATS face-down for a few seconds, then sinks as his lungs fill with water.
"ED!!!" the boys and May all dive to save Ed. May reaches him first and manages to get him out of the pool.
"SPEAK TO ME, LAMBCHOP!!!" May tries shaking Ed back to life, only to be pushed aside by the frantic boys who take Ed and rush him into the locker room, where Rolf checks his pulse and breathing. Then he measures the approximate center of Ed's chst with his hands and tongue, shouts something in his native language, and pounds his hand into Ed's chest in a manner similar to a karate chop, expelling the water from Ed's lungs and out his mouth like a fountain.
"Anyone... chicken?... Need... chicken..." Ed says weakly.
"But Ed, remember what your mom said!" Double-D comes in with a worried tone.
"Man, FUCK Ed's mom!" Eddy shouts. "It's her fault he fell apart like this."
Double-D sighs: "Listen, guys. We must adhere to Ed's mother's words, otherwise he'll never learn. I prepared a good alternative lunch for him to help get through this stressful period of rehabilitation. Please, just let me try at least."
The lunch bell rings, and the boys head to the cafeteria with Kevin carrying Ed. Eddy tells Double-D "You better have a damn good alternative."
As they continue towards the cafeteria, two shadowy boys watch from behind a hallway corner...
To Be Continued...
Trivia: Ian is named after the show's digital effects designer, Ian Kirby. But as Nazz said, his surname is Valentine. Why Valentine, you ask? Well, let's just say it's a sign of things to come later on.
