Chapter Thirty-nine

Sitting on a bed in one of the VIP rooms of the Enterprise Joanna stared at the small orb in her hand and the delicate plant inside it. It was the only item she had insisted be brought from her quarters on the Intrepid while she was on medical leave aboard the Enterprise. The purple blooms were as bright as the day Salen had given the orchid to her.

Suddenly the flowers seemed to melt as her eyes blurred with tears. After brushing her tears away she reached up and rubbed her chest over her heart. Swallowing hard against the pain in her chest she refused to break down and truly cry.

"You can't leave me," Joanna whispered "you promised me that you would return...Vulcans never break their promises."

Joanna wished that her voice held more conviction in it. Bitting down on her lower lip she continued to fight her tears. In her mind to cry would be admitting that she didn't think she was going to see Salen again. Holding the sphere with the orchid closer to her chest she studied it to distract herself. Part of her felt that if the plant was still alive that Salen must be as well, she was afraid that if she looked away it might wilt and die while she wasn't paying attention. When the door chime rang out she quickly brushed away more tears that had escaped.

"Who is it?"

"Just me. May I come in?"

"Of course, Daddy."

Joanna carefully placed the orchid down on her nightstand as her father entered her room. She looked up at him and forced a brave smile. Bones forced an equally awkward smile. Walking up to the bed he hesitated for a moment before sitting down on the edge. For a while neither McCoy said anything. Bones looked over at the orchid and a more genuine smile touched his lips.

"Did Salen give you that?"

"Yes, back when we were still at the Academy. Uncle Jim told him that orchids were my favorite."

"It must be a rare plant. Sulu caught a glimpse of it when it was being brought over to the Enterprise and I thought he was going to pass out he was so excited."

"Salen bought it for me because it was purple." Joanna smiled at the memory. "I thought you had told him that I liked them because Mother used to grow them, but he told me that he was fairly certain that you wanted him to stay away from me."

"At the time I believe that I did." McCoy admitted. "Just the protective father in me."

"You thought Salen was dangerous?" Joanna asked with a flush of anger.

"The only danger I saw was you falling in love with a bright young Starfleet Officer."

"Is that such a bad thing?"

"Love is always a risk." Bones sighed.

The pair settled into an uncomfortable silence once again. Joanna's heart felt so heavy that she feared that at any moment it wasn't going to have the strength to keep beating. Her father wasn't looking at her, he was starting at the orchid with a unreadable expression on his face. Feeling the sting of tears Joanna turned her attention to the flower as well. As she watched a single petal fell from one of the largest blooms.

"He's not coming back...is he?" Joanna whimpered.

"Spock says that it isn't logical to think that any Vulcan could survive this long with Pa'nar. However, if anyone could survive it...well it would be Salen."

"What makes you believe that?"

"When I first met him I thought to myself: 'this boy has been through too much, he'll never be anything other than terrified and broken'. It took him less than six hours to show me that I was wrong."

"How did he do that?"

"He never told you the story?" McCoy asked surprised.

"He rarely tells me anything about his past."

"Ah, well, despite his fear he faced the Romulan witch who had taken over the Enterprise and poisoned the crew, including myself and Admiral Pike. Salen thought on his feet, outwitted her, and then saved my life and the lives of everyone aboard the ship."

"He saved your life? I never knew that."

"I'm sure he's not one to brag." McCoy chuckled softly.

"No, not really." Joanna smiled.

The conversation stalled and silence made the daughter and father uncomfortable. They both regretted the fact that they hadn't been closer to one another in the past. Starfleet had kept McCoy so busy after his marriage fell apart. Joanna wrapped her arms over her suddenly nauseous stomach and she wished that her father would leave.

"Are you okay, Ladybug?" Bones asked gently.

Joanna weld her eye shut and shook her head.

"I came down here because I wanted to apologize for accusing Salen of hurting you, I was scared after almost losing you and...I...uh...I needed someone to blame. I was wrong, and I am sorry. I know Salen is a good man."

"Why...why did he attack Michaels?"

"Spock explained to me that a combination of the Pa'nar Syndrome and mind melding with violent Starfleet prisoners was probably the driving force behind his aggression that caused him to attack Michaels out of primal jealousy. He wasn't thinking clearly."

"You mean he's insane." Joanna whimpered as tears streaked her face "It's my fault...he didn't want to do it...and I pushed him...I...I did this to him..."

"What are you talking about?"

Joanna couldn't speak anymore as she broke down into a bitter weeping. McCoy's eyes brightened with tears as he watched his only child wracked with painful emotion. Reaching out hesitantly he put his hand on her shoulder. Crawling into her father's comforting embrace she cried against his chest until she was breathless.

"It's okay, Honeybee." Bones soothed. "Take a deep breath."

"I killed him..."

"I don't believe that."

"When he was offered the black ops assignment he didn't want to take it, he was afraid that it was immoral. I told him that he needed to take it, that it was an amazing opportunity. The last time I saw him he hated himself for what he had done under the Black Diamond's command...I...I told him that the scum he was killing deserved it, I encouraged him. If I had told him not to do it, if I had told him to take the other assignment, he would be here, he would be on the Enterprise, he would be alive, if..."

"Hush, Jo-jo." McCoy ran his hand through Joanna's hair. "You can't blame yourself. You couldn't have known where the black ops mission was going to take him."

"There's more..." Joanna closed her eyes as more tears ran down her cheeks. "He asked me to marry him, when we were still in the Academy...I...I said 'no'. I loved him...but I was afraid...I wasn't ready."

"There is nothing wrong with that."

"Starfleet would have kept us together if I had just said 'yes'."

Joanna pushed herself away from her father. Miserable with grief and regret she dragged her hands through her hair and pulled at it hard. The pain was a needed distraction. McCoy took her wrists to keep her from hurting herself any further. Joanna stared at him, desperate for him to offer her something that would take away the heartache.

"Salen knows that you love him." McCoy said softly. "You both made decisions that you could never know the outcomes of. He is..."

"'Is', 'is', 'is'...you mean 'was'!" Joanna spat angrily. "You talk about him like he's still alive when you know that he's dead!"

"Joanna..."

"No, no, I don't want to hear it." Joanna broke into tears again. "I can't keep lying to myself. I won't be able to handle the pain of learning that he is dead if I continue to hold onto the hope that he is alive...this is becoming more painful with every breath."

"Jim is going to do everything he can to..."

"But we already know it's too late!"

"We don't know that."

"How often is Spock wrong?" Joanna demanded. "How often does that logical Vulcan brain of his miscalculate the odds?"

"Not very often...but it does happen."