I'm sorry for this update taking so long, revision had to be done at some point. I hope you like this chapter and the little filler chapter that was put in earlier to keep you going :)
Disclaimer: I don't own skins.
enjoy
Emily's POV
So tonight; dinner, with Katie...and Effy...and Naomi. Easy I can do this.
Once I got back to my flat after being ambushed by the three musketeers all I did was cry. I sat on my bed and cried for at least an hour. Yes I know it's pathetic but that's what I get reduced to.
I rang Katie and told her where to meet me, we were meeting at 7 that evening and fucking hell I don't think I've been so nervous in my life. How does she still do this to me. It's been 3 years. I'm pretty sure she hasn't thought twice about seeing me today, that's just how she is.
It's now 6.55. I've had my eyes locked on the corner ahead of me for about 5 minutes, just waiting for her to appear. And as suspected here she is, she looks so unfazed by this whole situation, confidence radiating from her. I look her up and down, and she looks amazing, as usual. Fuck. I am Fucked!
"You alrite Em?" Yep Naomi speaks first for some reason. An alluring smirk plastered across her face and her eyebrow nearly hovering above her head.
I just nod, I'm not going to give her the satisfaction of hearing my voice wavering because of nerves cause by her. She's not getting to me that easily.
And so the games begin.
The restaurant was nice, peaceful. Well until we got in that is. Katie still doesn't seem to know how to be control her volume levels. She just goes off on one, and once she's started it's very hard to stop her. We all got to our table and found our respective seats.
I was next to Katie of course and Effy was on my other side, then there was Naomi opposite me between Katie and Effy.
I really didn't want to be here. I was scared shitless about this dinner. Being in the same room as her just brings all of the feeling that I have tried to so hard to suppress, back up to the surface. I have spent three years trying to forget her. I wanted to forget everything about her.
Her name, her face, all of the lies she's told me.
All of the times she's told me she loves me, all of them times she hasn't meant it.
I tried to forget how she never cared about me. If she had cared about me, she wouldn't have hurt me. She left me.
All I want to do is forget. And then she turns up here, and now I'm sitting opposite her being forced to remember everything.
The whole of this dinner up until now had been filled with unimportant chat. Katie has blathered on about how she is now in a stable relationship with some lad. I gave up listening when she mentioned him so I didn't catch his name. It's not that I'm not happy for her because I really am but I don't care. This is something that I've discovered about myself recently. I've stopped caring about these minor details. They really don't hold any importance to me. The one thing that I really cared about in my life is now sitting opposite, obviously trying to do the same as me. Avoid any eye contact and try and look at anything else but each other. I am failing at this. I can't help but look at her. There's so much pain in her eyes.
"Em?...Em? Hello?" Oh Katie must want my attention, well I better oblige.
"Yes Katie?"
"I said, do you have a girlfriend or anything?" Oh well this is awkward, she chooses to ask me about my general relationship status now. In a restaurant. With the love of my life sitting opposite me. She has wonderful timing, she really does. I almost spat out my food the minute she mentioned girlfriend, which then led to a rather embarrassing fit of coughs and splutters.
"No." That's all I needed to say. One word which delivered enough emotion to even get through to Katie. After this very brief conversation I think it's time for a slight glance at Naomi. She looks a cross between really pissed and slightly relieved, god knows what that means. She's still avoiding eye contact with me, I still don't get why. She broke us so why should this bother her at all.
That evening carried on in a very similar way. Katie spoke about her boyfriend while also throwing herself at the defenseless waiters. Naomi stayed quiet while steadily going through multiple glasses of wine. And Effy was quiet, just watching us. She looked concerned whenever she looked at Naomi. Like this steady drinking happens a lot.
The tension was fucking killing me. None of us were really talking to each other properly. Fucking hell I needed air.
"I'm just going to go and have a smoke, I won't be long." I really need to just get out. Being at this table is fucking intoxicating.
"I'll join you" Effy, great. I'm sure she has some shit to say to me.
Fucking hell it's cold, but I needed out. I light up and inhale. Effy does the same, and then just looks out at the sky. It's nice.
"You love her" Well someone had to break the silence between the two of us and it sure as hell wasn't going to be me.
"Yes Effy, I do. It doesn't take a genius to work it out." I've given up on pretending that I don't love her, it's easier to tell the truth sometimes.
"And she loves you"
I had to do a double take at that. Was she shitting me?
"Are you shitting me Eff? How much have you drunk tonight?"
"You love her and she loves you" she completely ignores my questions "So what's stopping you Emily? Pain? No it's not pain you can get past that, you're a Fitch, you lot eat pain for breakfast, I've learnt that from your sister. So what is it Em? Truthfully."
God she's good, for someone who has lost their mind and the love of their life she is really good at working anyone out. I've hardly ever had two conversations with her and she has seen straight through me.
I puff out my cheeks and take another drag on my cigarette.
"The thing is Eff, I don't feel like me anymore. I've lost who I am and the only way to find that person, the person who I was is to..."
"Have her right?" She actually looks like she cares, her eyes are completely different. Soft, neutral. She just wants to help.
I nod, she knows she's right anyway. "But I don't know Effy, whenever I see her or think of her, all I can think about is how much she hurt me. And fucking hell I can't do it."
I think me and Effy were outside for at least half an hour, just chatting, joking. She made me feel better for a bit.
"Effy you alrite?" I know that voice anywhere. I turn around and there is a stumbling blonde walking towards us. How much has she drunk. As she gets closer I can smell the booze on her. Effy just looks concerned again, and then walks straight past her and back into the restaurant.
"EMILYYYY!" fucking hell. I just look to the floor, and then to her. The moment my eyes meet hers she appears to sober. She can see the hurt, I know she can, but she needs to see it. Almost instantly tears start to appear around her pupils. Why is it she is allowed to do this to me! Why is she allowed to fucking cry about this, and I have to be fine.
Almost as quickly as my mood changed talking to Effy my mood changes again. I'm fuming and fucking ready to vent.
Who knew this evening was going to be so interesting.
"You can't just do this Naomi, you can't just come here and expect everything to be fucking fine! You hurt me, do you not get that? You broke everything, you ruined everything that we had!"
So yes I'm crying. Fuck, I'm practically sobbing. But not just because of her, and this whole situation. I'm crying because of me, I did have something to do with this whole fucking mess, I punished her, I pushed her away. In some ways it is partly my fault. No! Fuck she did this! She broke us beyond repair. Fucking hell I gave her everything I had. Now she's just staring at me, tears in her eyes, but Naomi Campbell doesn't cry, she doesn't show her feelings. Fucks sake.
"Emily I'm so sorry. But...I need you Em."
She needs me? Wait what? I'm not letting her lie about stuff like that. She doesn't even mean it. She obviously knows that I'm about to rip her head off right now cos she quickly cuts me off.
"Yes okay, I fucking need you. I've always needed you. I do need someone, and that someone has always been you, it always has been since the first day I met you. You don't get it Em, the first day I saw you I knew that I loved you. And yes I got scared like I always fucking do. But the day you left Bristol I didn't feel like me anymore. I felt like something was missing."
She takes a breath, fuck I don't know what to say, she's never spoken to me like this. Putting it all out there, she's actually vulnerable.
"Those two brought me here okay? They wanted me to come here to fix this. They kept saying that I was a miserable arse without you, and they're right. But there's something they didn't realise. You might think you're tricking everyone Em, but you're so far from 'okay' that it is killing me. You're empty Em. And I know that that is because of me, because I'm such a fucking prick. I'm not going to stop fighting for you Emily, I never will."
"Just go Naomi." I couldn't help it, I need to think. I need to understand what the fuck just happened. Once she's gone I fall into my bed and just lie there. How was she able to see everything about me that no one else could see, not even my own twin. She was so right about me. I am broken, but I just pretend to be okay. I smile at everyone, but I don't mean it. I can't mean it. It hurts when you let people get to know you, so instead I don't let them.
So there you go, I'm sorry I kept you lot waiting for this chapter. I hope you like it :), please ignore any silly mistakes.
SONGS:
The Best Of Me - The Used
What you do to Me - We The Kings
Down But Homeward Bound - Yashin
Trophy Eyes - You Me At Six
Please review. I could really use some help, how do you lot want it to go from here?
