I'm sorry that there's been such a wait between chapters.
Thanks for the responses to my note. You lot want angst, so i'm going to try and make the next few chapters as angsty as possibly.
I hope that this chapter made the wait worthwhile, please let me know what you think, good and bad reviews are welcome. I need to know how I can make this better.
DISCLAIMER: SKINS ISN'T MINE.
Enjoy
Naomi's POV
"You can't just do this Naomi, you can't just come here and expect everything to be fucking fine! You hurt me, do you not get that? You broke everything, you ruined everything that we had!"
"Just go Naomi."
Everything that had happened that night was swirling around in my head. I couldn't forget what she had said to me. She doesn't want me. Even after I tell her everything she still doesn't want me back. But I meant what I said, I'm going to keep fighting, just as soon as I remove myself from this self imposed exile.
I'm alone. As usual. I should have gotten used to this feeling really, being alone is what I'm good at. I've been alone for my whole life, I know what it's like. But then one day a girl comes along and fucks it all up. Ever since I met Emily, I was scared shitless of the way she made me feel. I wanted to get to know her, and it took me three years to pluck up the courage to just talk to her, and then one night I lost who I thought I was because of one "drunken" kiss. But she wasn't drunk that night, fuck me she wasn't even on anything, she was just being herself. Acting on her own feelings, the one thing I'm most scared to do. If I could I would take back every fucked up thing I've done to hurt her. I'm such a fucking cliche. The night she left I wish I had been able to change her mind, fix it. I wish I had said 'don't go' but I didn't. The words never left my brain. They were never verbalized. She never knew how much I wanted her to stay with me. Every day after that I have thought of her. Her crimson hair, her eyes that make my heart beat faster, her quiet sarcasm. Everything that no one noticed about her because of her sister I noticed, and I missed seeing all of these things that made her Emily every day.
She was right that day on the roof. We were special, and everything is so fragile. Even me, big bad Campbell is fragile. Fucking hell i've been broken. But Emily was what put me back together. And I need to do the same for her. I need to put her back together. Bring the life back into her eyes. I make myself sound life jesus.
I spent most of our days in Leicester just sitting in our hotel room, Effy tried to get me to come out and talk to her but I could hear Katie grumbling behind her, probably pissed off at me because I upset her sister. Which yes I did do, but for once I tried to be brave and tell her the truth. She's the one that told me to want her back. And I do want her back, I'm being brave. But at the minute all I seem to be able to do is order a ridiculous amount of drinks from room service. Effy used to tell me to drink champagne when you want to get completely splattered, but champagnes for celebrating and I'm in no mood for a celebration, so instead I've had countless shots of god knows what and multiple martinis.
Being wasted does help to get everything out of your system, both physically and mentally.
I've thrown up countless times (not that i've eaten much to actually regurgitate) but it feels good to just purge myself of everything fucked up.
I've cried. Well sobbed.
I've screamed the whole hotel down.
I can't sleep, all I see is Emily's face slowly breaking down as I talk to her. Her angelic features and voice used to be my lullaby, now they are part of my nightmare.
I shouldn't do this to myself, I know I shouldn't, I need to be out there fighting for her, proving to her that I love her but my limbs seem to have disconnected themselves from my brain. Whenever I want to go and see her, I can't move. Whenever I want to text her, my fingers won't work. Even when I want to ring her, I can't even manage saying 'Hello'.
I think about her constantly, I can't think of anything else. I wonder if she's as fucked up as me at the minute. I wonder whether she's locked herself away from the world. Fucking hell, I want her back.
So another day of getting trashed, good plan.
"NAOMI! YOU'RE NOT STAYING IN THIS ROOM ANYMORE, GET THE FUCK OUT HERE NOW!" I really rathered it when Effy was quietly dangerous, but now she's decided to actually just be loudly dangerous. I really can't be fucked to argue, not that I was going to anyway, so I might as well go and see her, it might shut her up for a bit to see me actually getting some air that isn't just circulating around my hotel room.
I open the door and see Effy and Katie of course. I just smile like nothing's wrong at all until I see both of their faces drop. They don't look angry, or sad. They just look really concerned. Effy even has a slight tear building up in her eye. What the fuck is going on, why is Katie crying? Shit. I go back into my room quickly and look in the mirror at a reflection that I hardly recognize. It looks nothing like me. Huge dark bags have formed under my eyes due to complete exhaustion. My eyes are red raw, making my pupils look a pained blue colour. My lips are dry and chapped, with skin peeling off of them. I really do bite my bottom lip too much, there are teeth marks all along the underside of my lip. I'm so fucking pale. My roots have started to come through so I'm left with stained, blonde locks gripping to my face due to the grease that has built up on my hair. I look like complete shit. My eyes drift down to see the same dress I was wearing for the dinner, creased and practically falling off me, I haven't had a proper meal for at least a week now, I've just snacked my way through the week. I look at my upper arms, plagued with nail marks from where I've hugged myself, gripping to myself for dear life. I see now why they looked so worried about me. Shit.
So after spending some time sorting myself out, making myself look mildly presentable, I really hadn't realized how much I had really fucked myself up. My whole appearance was more than a shambles. I was a walking wreck. Effy had actually hugged me, which is quite weird, she then basically shoved me into the shower and left me there with water pouring onto me. When I become so sorry for myself?
I left my room and was again greeted by Effy's calm expression staring back at me. She just nodded at me, seemingly knowing what I was thinking right at this very moment. Katie had probably gone to see Emily or something, you know twin time and all.
I went to the one place I had found in Leicester that seemed calm, quiet. The big park outside the University, I know it might be near Emily but really it's the only place I can just sit, uninterrupted. There's this bit just next to a pond surrounded by trees, it's secluded and on a day like today, with the sun beating down on me yet with a nice breeze it was perfect. It reminded me of the lake of course, that's probably why it seemed so perfect to me. Back in Bristol since Emily left, I would go back to the lake and just sit there. It became my usual spot whenever everything got just a bit too much for me, and it was my main reminded of Emily. I had obviously tried to get over her.
So here I am just lying in the grass, with a chorus of screaming children invading my thoughts, I forgot that this area is right next to a little play ground. I just shut my, shut everything out, breath in and slowly drift off into my own little world.
I don't know how long I had been dead to the world but upon opening my eyes the scenery around me has completely changed, its dark, the sky is just pitch black, and again that feeling of being completely alone meets me again.
"You know you really shouldn't come out here at night, this parks kind of got a bit of a reputation." I know that voice. Emily. Why is she here talking to me? I look at her, squinting a bit to actually see her, it really is quite dark now. Confusion apparent on my face as she smirks at me again, a more genuine smirk which also makes me smile back at her. She catches onto the fact that I really have no clue what she's on about.
"Katie said you'd gone missing for the whole day, so I agreed to help her look for you." My smile drops instantly. She says all of this so nonchalantly, like she really doesn't care, she's just doing her sister a favor "I knew you'd come here. It's peaceful" Her tone completely changes, sadness, guilt, regret lacing her voice. Her eyes looking thoughtfully at me. These are the eyes that used to make my heart beat twice as fast, now they just twist my stomach because of all the pain I can see.
She knew where I would be? Obviously I'm not the only one that finds this place oddly comforting. We sit in a shared silence, neither of us really knowing what to say to each other. After the restaurant everything has become a lot more awkward apparently.
"Naomi, I'm sorry about dinner, I think we were all a bit twatish, but I meant what I said, you can't just come here and expect everything to be fine and dandy." Sadness just laces her voice.
"Good thing I didn't come here expecting that at all." I chance a smile, and it is thankfully mirrored by here "but Emily...I meant what I said as well, I'm going to fight for you." I say this with as much conviction as I can muster. She has to know that I really do mean this.
She lowers her head, looking straight at the grass beneath us, obviously that is a lot more interesting than my heart felt words.
"Naomi...you don't understand, you don't need to fight for me. You never lost me." And with that she's gone again. As quickly as she had appeared right in front of me, she's gone. I sat. Completely stunned by what she had just said. I'd never lost her? The tears start again. Fucks sake I don't cry.
How do you get back something you never lost?
It's better to make your mistakes than to live without knowing.
Thanks for reading. Emily's a mysterious one sometimes :P
I'll try to update soon, but this week is a bitch with FAR too many exams jammed into 4 days. So it may be quite a wait. sorry.
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